Too often we base the all-important decision of choosing the relationship closest to us on something so completely deceptive as our emotions, or even more foolish, solely on appearance. We then put time, effort, and our very souls into building the desired lasting relationship when there is not a real foundation for it to be built upon. The relationship is like a sandcastle at high tide, doomed to disintegrate.

Fortunately, we can gain wisdom and discernment that will enable us to find and commit to genuine love.

Dr. Dorothy Neddermeyer, Phd, a professional therapist and counselor, has posted a fantastic article called, “Love is Not a Feeling.” In this article, she explains what is happening when we experience euphoric feelings for another individual, why these feelings are not proof of genuine love, how to give genuine love and how to recognize whether the other person has genuine love toward you, being committed to your emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being.

Here are some portions from Dr. Dorothy’s article, “Love is Not a Feeling.” It is one of the most effective discussions on this topic that I’ve seen. Be sure to follow the link to the full article at the bottom of the post.

Love is Not a Feeling. What? You exclaim, of course, love is a feeling. I feel it in my chest, stomach and my body tingles sometimes. Yes, those are the physiological manifestations when one has the sensation of ‘falling in love.’ Falling in love and love are two different phenomena. Falling in love can be either a flash of emotions-the giddiness or euphoric feelings-or a first step towards genuine love.

Falling in love is a strong instinctive attraction to a person. If it is mutual and both people work at building a relationship bond; one day that euphoric experience called, ‘falling in love,’ can grow into genuine love…We usually fall in love with the person’s appearance, with the way she/he walks, the way he/she talks. Sometimes we impute to our object of love some mystic illusion, ideal qualities and, the more we get to know the person, the less we fall for him or her…

The euphoric feelings we call ‘love’ is the emotion that accompanies the experience of cathecting. Cathecting is the process by which an object becomes important to a person. Once cathected, the object, often referred to as a ‘love object’ is invested with our energy as if it were a part of oneself, and this relationship between oneself and the invested object is called a cathexis…The concern and commitment to another’s spiritual and emotional growth is the purest form of love. It is for this reason that commitment is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship-friends, significant others, husband/wife. Genuine love transcends the matter of cathexis…it is possible to love without cathexis and without loving feelings, and it is in the fulfillment of this possibility that genuine and transcendent love is distinguished…

Click here to read Dr. Dorothy’s article in its entirety!

It is both more enjoyable as well as beneficial to improve your health through key foods as opposed to using synthetic vitamins or prescription drugs whenever possible.

It is obvious through the warnings on commercials or the fine print on labels that prescription drugs contain a wide variety of potential negative side effects. A large number of vitamins are made synthetically through a chemical process, rather than derived directly from plants. (1) [Links to research articles will be posted at the end of the post.] The more you can derive health benefits directly from the food you eat, the better off you will be.

Adding these key foods into your daily intake will help boost your immune system, lower cholesterol, as well as fight heart disease and various forms of cancer.

Tomatoes - Lycopene is a cancer-fighting antioxidant from tomatoes and other red fruits. Of all the carotenoids, lycopene is one of the most potent antioxidants; researchers have found a correlation between increasing the consumption of tomatoes and reducing the risk of cancer. (2) With most foods, the health benefits are lost through the heat of cooking. Lycopene is one of the few necessary substances that is more easily absorbed into the body after being cooked. Tomatoes can decrease your risk of bad cholesterol building up inside arteries (plaque formation) and help prevent future heart attacks. (3) In another study done over a 6 year period by Harvard Medical School and Harvard School of Public Health, the diets of more than 47,000 men were studied. Of 46 fruits and vegetables evaluated, only the tomato products showed a measurable relationship to reduce prostate cancer risk. (4)

Lemons - Easily boost your immune system by just squeezing a slice of lemon into your drinking water. Lemons are rich in vitamins, particularly vitamin C, having enough to boost your immune system or help fight off a cold. (5) I add lemon to every glass of water I drink during the day.

Water - More water than what most of us drink is necessary for the proper functioning of our bodies, including flushing out toxins. Up to 60 percent of the human body is water, the brain being composed of 70 percent water, and the lungs nearly 90 percent water. (6) Be sure to drink water that is as free of toxins as you can afford. (See my post on Water Filter for Drinking Water for info on clean drinking water in your home. ) To know how much water you should drink per day, take your weight in pounds, divide it by 2, and drink that many ounces. For example, a 200 lb. man should drink a minimum of 100 oz. of water per day.

Dark berries - Purple, red, and blue berries boost anti-oxidants as well as ward off UV damage. A landmark study shows that just one cup of berries provides all the disease-fighting antioxidants you need in a single day.This newest study used updated technology to assess antioxidant levels in more than 100 foods, including fruits, vegetables, cereals, breads, nuts, and spices. Blueberries, cranberries, blackberries, raspberries, and strawberries ranked highest among the fruits studied. Wild blue berries had 10 times the USDA recommendation of antioxidants in 1 cup. (7)
Spices - B vitamins are the most difficult vitamin for our bodies to absorb. Spices can be one source for your B vitamins. The vitamin B-6 content of 42 spices was measured in duplicate using a microbiological assay. Relatively high sources were the red pepper spices such as chili, cayenne, and paprika, garlic, and certain leaves such as basil, bay leaf, dill weed, oregano, rosemary, sage, and tarragon. (8)

Honey - Honey has long been known to contain a large amount of anti-oxidants, as well as anti-inflammatory properties, and can easily be incorporated into your daily intake by substituting it for sugar in coffee, tea, oatmeal, on toast, etc. Be sure to buy an uncooked type. Honey also contains protein, vitamins and minerals, but no cholesterol. Darker honeys have more nutrients and antioxidants than light ones and the antioxidant levels vary with the flower type. Buckwheat flower honey has the highest antioxidants of any honey, clover is in the middle of the range. For allergy sufferers, eating locally grown honey can prevent seasonal allergies. Recent studies are now able to prove its as an antibacterial topical treatment for burns and ulcers. It also produces hydrogen peroxide, which generate highly reactive free radicals in the body, killing bacteria, further contributing to its antibacterial properties. (9)

Olive Oil - Omega 3 fatty acids are very publicized now as a necessary element for good health, of which olive oil is a good source. The beneficial health effects of olive oil are due to both its high content of monounsaturated fatty acids and antioxidants. Studies have shown that it lowers heart disease by lowering bad cholesterol and raising good cholesterol. Studies have also shown that it reduces the risk of colon cancer and gallstone formation by activating the secretion of bile and pancreatic hormones naturally. It has a beneficial effect on ulcers and gastritis, too. (10) It is important to not just eliminate harmful fats from the diet, but incorporate healthy ones. Increasing your intake of healthy fats also enables you to absorb more anti-oxidants from your food. 2 tablespoons daily is recommended for healthy cholesterol levels. I use light tasting olive oil (Lighter tasting will be specified on the label.), usually immediately before a snack or meal just to get the taste out of my mouth. Check the label to get a brand that is extra virgin oil and cold pressed, as this will be the least processed and retain the most health benefits.

Flax seed - This is another healthy source of plant-derived omega 3 fatty acid, similar to those found in fish such as salmon. Though we personally still eat wild caught fish, some doctors do not recommend fish at all as your omega 3 source due to problems with toxic mercury levels. Studies show flax seed lowering total cholesterol and the bad cholesterol levels, as well as helping to lower blood triglyceride and blood pressure. It may also keep platelets from becoming sticky therefore reducing the risk of a heart attack. Flax seed is also believed to reduce the risk of cancers, especially breast cancer. In addition, the oil from flax seed benefits those with Crohn’s disease and Colitis. (11) I buy a 14 oz. package of Spectrum Naturals Organic Ground Flax Seed at The Vitamin Shoppe (also online at vitaminshoppe.com) for about $5 US and take 1 tablespoon per day in cereal or oatmeal. For women who have trouble with fibrocystic breast disease, in addition to eliminating caffeine and toxins from the diet, adding flax seed to the your food intake helps to decrease cyst size and pain.

1 Click here for further reading on synthetic versus natural vitamins.

2 Lycopene info

3 Lycopene and heart attack prevention

4 Lycopene reduces prostate cancer

5 Lemon info

6 Water and the body

7 Dark Berries and antioxidants

8 Spices and B vitamins

9 Honey for burns and wounds
Honey and antioxidant rates

10 Olive Oil benefits

11 Flax Seed benefits

A misunderstanding of forgiveness can keep you from receiving the desired resolution to the hurts you have suffered.

Some people continue to allow others to harm them because they wrongly believe that, to be loving and forgiving, they must keep giving in to the other person’s demands or lifestyle. Other people avoid forgiveness due to the fear that it requires a lowering their boundaries and allowing the person to hurt them again.

Such misconceptions takes place due to not understanding the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. God is clear that we always need to forgive, but He is also clear that you cannot always reconcile with the person who hurt you. You may recall my mentioning in another post God’s instructions in Matthew 18 on dealing with someone who harms you. In verse 15, He says that we are to confront those who harm us, clearly letting them know how they wronged us so that they will have a definite opportunity to change and make things right. However, in verse 17, God describes that, after a process of varying attempts to allow the harmful person to make a life change, it is spiritually and morally correct to distance yourself from a person who continues to harm you. When you have a clear understanding of this resolution process, and of the definitions of forgiveness and reconciliation, it (1) frees you from the past to move forward and (2) releases you from the guilt one usually feels from breaking off a relationship.

Learning to have a voice and speak of how you were wronged to those you trust as well as to the person who harmed you is an important part of personal growth and establishing boundaries.

Let’s take a slight detour and focus on why you need to be able to express your personal boundaries as well as violations to them. ACC, referenced below, says that confronting a person who wronged us was considered a positive action even under Mosaic law and that the Jews had a saying that the ruin of a nation was caused by not confronting the person who harms other people, “No man reproving another.” It is easy to see how the complete breakdown of relationships, families, and all social structures are described as stemming from not confronting a destructive person. Such action is not taken out of ill-will or hatred, but with the desire of restoration of the relationship. Restoration may not be possible, but the voicing of the harm done to you is necessary for your own well-being. Look at these 3 translations of Lev. 19:17 in the Mosaic law.

-You shall not hate your brother in your heart but you shall surely rebuke your him lest you incur sin because of him. AMP

-Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke him frankly so you will not share in his guilt. NIV

-Let there be no hate in your heart for your brother; but you may make a protest to your neighbor, so that he may be stopped from doing evil. BBE

God’s Scriptural guidelines on confronting a harmful person are still effective for us in modern culture.

After doing research on this passage from Matthew 18, I was so impressed with how the accurately Scriptural instructions to dealing with a harmful person still apply in modern culture that I want to share with you the research from these two sources. Let me briefly list the process and then share the detailed commentary on it.

1. Privately speak to the person who harmed you and explain why their words or actions were a violation of your boundaries and socially acceptable behavior. [The exception to this would be if you are in a situation were physical harm is possible.]

2. If the destructive person does not desire to make a lifestyle change after this initial discussion, take 2 or 3 people of credibility who are familiar with the situation to again speak to the person in hopes of restoration. [This is similar to family members confronting the person before taking the matter outside the family.]

3. If the person with harmful behavior still feels no remorse and motivation to change, one last attempt is made by a group of credible people to again explain the violations of the boundaries and the need for change for healing to take place in the relationships. In Scriptural context, this is referring to a group of church leaders such as the pastor and elders. This is actually comparable to doing what is termed an Intervention in our culture, where you have family, credible friends, and a therapist as a group sit down and reason with the destructive person.

4. If all attempts fail, Scripture says that the person is to be treated as “a Publican or tax collector,” meaning that you should no longer have social interaction with the person due to their decision to continue a destructive lifestyle. Publicans and tax collectors were people that Jews did not have social interaction with due to their lack of moral character.

This is a paraphrase of comments on the Matthew 18 passage by Adam Clarke’s Commentary, as it was written in old English.

Note that first there is a public step to solve a private dispute. Men capable of injuring their fellow man are often so hardened that they reject the kindest expostulation [The effort to reason earnestly with someone in an effort to correct them. thefreedictionary.com] If a person acts in this way, shall we give him up? No, we must make an internal effort: Tell it to the group. The whole assembly must hear the situation, and they plead with him. He is to have the opportunity of hearing the judgment and advice of the group. Should this last attempt fail, he must be considered incapable of being corrected. The brother is then left to himself. We desire a person’s deliverance from a destructive life. In all probability, the obstinate person will ridicule the action of the group, and yet there is some possibility that he will be led to a change of heart and mind. Nothing is done vindictively, but with the purpose of setting the person right. The harmful person who will not be reconciled incurs much guilt by resisting the attempts of love.

In the Matthew Henry Commentary, he makes another valid point. As in the Matthew 18 passage and others, Scripture recommends that if someone in a church group has harmful behavior, use this process to try to resolve it within the group, rather than take it to a judicial system that is run by non-godfearing people. His take is that if the person refuses changing the destructive lifestyle, a person then may feel justified in using the courts to correct the situation. I’ll again paraphrase this as it is in old English.

If he…persists in the wrong …and proceeds to do you more wrong, let him be as an unbeliever; take the benefit of the law against him, but let that always be the last remedy …break off your friendship and social interactions with him, though you should be no means act out of revenge…You should desire healing of his life, desire to preserve his friendship, but, since he would not, he has forfeited it.

This withdrawing of social interaction is (1) in hopes that the person will be ashamed of his or her harmful actions but also (2) that you will not continue to be affected by it. Henry goes on to say, “Those who show contempt for the rules of society forfeit the honors and privileges of it until they are willing to change, submit to [society rules] and follow through with reconciliation.”

Resolution can come to your heart either way, via forgiveness alone or forgiveness and reconciliation, but, since the actual wrong can never be undone, forgiveness within yourself, canceling the person’s debt to you, must take place.

A Definition of Forgiveness is:

“Forgiveness is something that we do in our hearts; we release someone from a debt that they owe us. We no longer condemn them…The person who owes me the debt does not have to ask my forgiveness. It is a work of grace in my heart. It is freedom from the abusive person who hurt you. The Bible compares forgiving people to releasing them from a legal debt. (pp. 251, 262 Boundaries, Townsend and Cloud).”

This can be very difficult, for as Townsend and Cloud say, forgiveness means “that we will never get from the other person what was owed us [because we have decided to cancel the debt and not try to collect]. And this is what we do not like, because it involves grieving for what will never be. (Boundaries, p. 263).” Realizing grieving is part of the healing process, we have to allow ourselves to grieve over the fact that the past cannot be changed; it cannot be the way we wished it would have been. Unforgiveness keeps you involved in the destructive relationship because you are still expecting some form of repayment from the harmful person. Allow yourself to grieve over the past so that you can release it, be freed from it, and live for the present and future.

Though we should desire it when possible, reconciliation cannot always take place because it involves the cooperation of both people.

Other than the Matthew 18 example already given, another example is with Jesus Himself. His spiritual work through His death and resurrection was to bring a “legal” payment in the spiritual realm for our sins so that we can be forgiven of the guilt from them and have restoration and reconciliation in our relationship with God. Yet, though God has offered forgiveness on His part to all mankind, not everyone appropriates or takes advantage of the opportunity to have reconciliation with Him. It takes both people to have reconciliation. Though you forgive someone for hurting you, it does not mean that they are trustworthy; it takes time for them to prove a lifestyle change. In Mattew 3:7,8, John the Baptist, the prophet who announced Jesus’ coming as Messiah to the Jewish people, condemned the religious leaders of his day because of their hypocrisy, pretending to be repentant - changed. He told them that they had to produce a lifestyle that was a proper expression of repentance or proved their repentance. The point for us today is the same; there are people living harmful lives who verbally say they are sorry, but then continue to live the same harmful, destructive lives. Such a lifestyle is so horrendous in the sight of God that the prophet called these religious leaders a brood of poisonous snakes and enemies of all that is good. A changed life is the only proof of a changed heart. The Greek term here for repentance, metanoeo, is a reversal of one’s decision, including the reversal of one’s thinking and feeling–the logical result then being a reversal in one’s actions (Strong’s Dictionary of NT Words).

Whereas forgiveness focuses on releasing the past, reconciliation is a matter of having a healthy future with proper boundaries.

As mentioned earlier, if the harmful person is not repentant and will not change the destructive patterns of his or her life, forgiveness is all you can do. Forgiveness alone will bring you resolution. However, when a true change of heart and then of lifestyle takes place in the hurtful person, reconciliation is the next step. Realize that it takes a passage of time for the repentant lifestyle to be proven. Many therapists suggest that once the social separation has taken place, as mentioned earlier in the Scriptural example, you need to see that a socially appropriate lifestyle-one that is not destructive-is lived out by the person who harmed you for a period of at least 6 months before working toward social interaction again and reconciliation in the relationship. Your part in the reconciliation is to live out proper boundaries in your life, only allowing healthy social interactions and speaking out clear messages when someone violates the rules of healthy social behavior. Proper boundaries also involve resulting consequences for those who violate your boundaries, consequences varying with the situation. If someone dumps responsibility on you that isn’t yours, don’t do their work for them again; let them experience the loss. If someone is verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive, speak out the violation of your boundaries, but, as in the Scriptural example, stopping social interaction with that person is necessary so they experience the consequences of their behavior, i.e. the loss of a relationship with you.

When people fail you, you continue to forgive, even if it is solely for your own benefit. But reconciliation can only take place with people who are honest about their failures, learn from the mistakes, and make changes in their lifestyles. This is the type of social situation that is healthy and one you can work with. As Scripture says, “We all fail in many ways (Jms. 3:2)” Here is the clear difference, though, in a person with whom you cannot work toward reconciliation. When a person continues in dishonesty by denying that they have hurt you, or like the religious leaders of Jesus’ time, by claiming to have changed when they do not live out a real life complete change of direction, your boundaries need to stay in tact, keeping out the harm, even though you have forgiven them.

“Boundaries: When to Say, “Yes,” When to Say, “No,” to Take Control of Your Life” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It is an average reading level and the book gives real life relationship examples throughout to make it easy for you to identify your personality type, weaknesses, personality types of friends, family, co-workers, etc. I believe it was on the NY Best Sellers List for several years. The ISBN on the softcover version is 0-310-24745-4.

As mentioned in a recent post, resentment or bitterness results from you not dealing with past hurts. But what can be done about resentment toward you in the person or persons closest to you?

First of all, remember you can only change yourself.

You cannot make the other person forgive you or reconcile; neither can you make him or her discuss the sources of the resentment, if they are not willing. By being wise and non-confrontational in your approach, hopefully you can create a non-threatening atmosphere that will allow your significant other to be willing to discuss the hurts which bred the resentment. If you are willing to listen to the criticism and accept it in a constructive way, even if the communication toward you is not necessarily in the most pleasant of form, you will have examples to work with to make needed changes on your end. If the person is absolutely unwilling to talk at this time, you have to begin with expressing your sorrow for causing him hurt, and make changes in any areas in which you are already aware that have caused resentment. In other words, begin by not adding to the resentment that already exists, making changes to your habits or personality which you already know are offensive to your loved one.

To more easily identify problem areas, let’s take a look again at what causes resentment.

Not Confronting Boundary Violations - Due to childhood environment, some people have a very difficult time saying, “No,” for a variety of reasons:

-Especially in religious circles, people are often made to feel that they can never say “No;” they are told that a “No” response is always unloving and selfish instead of self-sacrificing. However, in Matthew 18:15 and following, God very specifically says that if someone wrongs you, you are to clearly let the person know so that he can change. Verse 17 also makes it clear that if the person is unwilling to stop the inappropriate behavior or abuse, you should distance yourself from that person.

-Afraid of hurting other people’s feelings

-Afraid of angry responses/conflict resulting from speaking truthfully from his heart

Giving Under Compulsion - The hurting person outwardly complies but inwardly resents giving in to your demands. He resents giving in due to missing out of something important to his own life or because it violates what he personally feels is right to do in the situation. A resentful person usually feels compelled to give for the following reasons:

- The giving is initially out of compassion but then the controlling person manipulates him to give more than what he feels able to or is right to.

- He makes the choice to win your approval and avoid conflict.

- He makes the choice because an “oversensitive” conscience [one that isn't working properly] makes him feel guilty to say “No” and disappoint you.

- Similar to the oversensitive conscience, he gives in based on his own sense of what he “needs” to do, even though it is incorrect, such as taking responsibilities that you were supposed to do and didn’t follow through with.

Give clear, verbal admission to your spouse or significant other that you are willing for him to make needed changes on his end to prevent further resentment, that you will not respond selfishly or in anger to him expressing his boundaries.

Make it clear that the other person is free to:

- Give in to his own sense of what should he should or should not do in a situation, rather than being afraid of disappointing or angering you.

- Give you clear descriptions of what he feels the proper rules of your relationship are and how whatever specific circumstance is taking place at a particular moment is not going according to healthy relationship rules.

- Be in control of his choices in spite of what his oversensitive feeling may be saying internally. Be clear that you do not want him to do something because he feels that he “had to.” In reality, there is no such thing as “had to.” We are in control of our choices regardless of our emotions.

- Say “No” to your wants when he feels you are expecting too much or something that violates his boundaries in another way. You, in turn, need to be willing to quit wanting too much of other people, as is typical of a controlling personality.

As you both desire change, be willing to face the fact that if nothing changes, nothing changes.

That sounds silly, but way too many people go through life earnestly desiring their lives to change but never making any changes.

-You must each identify your own failures. If you are manipulative and expecting too much, admit it and change. If your significant other who is struggling with resentment is compliant, as is often the case, he needs to admit that he should have spoken clear boundaries and done what he felt was right, and now change-speak and act according to his boundaries in the future.

- Be aware that you each must change how you handle situations. For example, you make a commitment to be aware of when you are being too controlling and handle the situation differently by limiting your wants and asking what the other person’s needs are. The resentful person chooses to become aware of when he is feeling afraid to speak or act truthful to his desires and now speak and act truthfully in spite of past fears. He should also take notice of when you are not recognizing his need or boundary in a situation and handle the situation differently than in the past by verbalizing his boundary or his need.

Related Article: Resentment and Anger Management

Whether a criticism is intended to be harmful or helpful, you can still choose to be in control of how it affects you.

Criticism is similar to many other events in our lives in that we can choose both the extent to which it affects us, as well as the type of outcome it has upon us. Most of us remember the old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Yet, many people carry hurt their entire lives as a result of critical words spoken to them during childhood. While there is some truth to the old saying, the error in it is that words can “never” hurt; yes, they can hurt if we are unaware of the fact that we can choose not to allow them to harm us. This is especially the case during childhood when we are supposed to be in a loving, nurturing environment in which we shouldn’t need to protect ourselves and, hence, haven’t learned how to do so. Once we begin growing and stepping out of our protected environment, we must learn to evaluate critical statements as to whether they have any value and use the situation as an opportunity for personal growth.

A reader asked specifically about dealing with unfounded criticism, so we will also cover that in the process of this post.

First of all, consider the source of the criticism and what you perceive the person’s intent to be.

Did the criticism come from someone that is usually a harmful person by nature? If that is the case, it is most likely something that needs to be discarded. Also, if the person is harmful by nature, realize that the hostility of the words they spoke also needs to be discarded from your thought life. Their words only have power over you if you continue to think on them. Whatever you think on will alter your emotions and influence your decisions. God describes it this way, “For as the thoughts of a person’s heart are, so is he (Prov. 23:7)” or so is the direction of his life. That is why God gives us 2 clear steps for dealing with harmful thoughts.

1. We bind, or stop immediately, harmful thoughts and put them out of our minds. “We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5).” People who are harmful by nature are counting on you continuing to think on their destructive words so that they can hurt you; it gives them a sense of power which, to their corrupted mind, brings pleasure. You, however, have authority and power over your thoughts, and thus the resulting emotions and decisions, so take captive those thoughts and put them out of your mind, freeing yourself from the harmful person’s influence.

2. When harmful thoughts are trying to re-surface in your mind, you cannot solely cast them out; you conquer them by replacing them. God’s second step to dealing harmful thoughts is “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable– if anything is excellent or praiseworthy– think about such things (Phil. 4:8).” You take control of your own thoughts. Do not give another person authority that is not theirs!

It is worth noting here that our perceptions of people and the purpose of their words are not always accurate. For example, if the hurtful criticism came from a friend or family member who is not usually a hurtful person, the remark may need to be dismissed due to the fact that they are speaking out of stress or illness; we all have bad days in which we speak more harshly than intended. If that is the case, forgive and forget just as you would want the person to do for you on a bad day. Or, if the criticism came from a person not normally hurtful, is it due to a prior hurt that you caused him or her and have not resolved? If so, take the needed hint and bring resolution to your valued relationship.

Second, look at the situation objectively, as if it were with someone else, and evaluate if there could be a slight element of truth in the criticism.

Whether or not the person is a harmful person by nature, for the sake of your own personal growth, it does not hurt to step back and evaluate if there is any bit of truth to the criticism. As people are rarely as effective communicators as they desire to be, many times overly critical words are spoken because frustration has built up in the individual due to a personality flaw of your own. If you have read the posts on controller and compliant personalities, this illustration will be clearer to you. For example, you may have repeatedly violated the other person’s boundaries by consistently being late for appointments or leaving responsibilities that are yours for them to do. If so, overly critical words may have resulted from frustration that you are causing, even if their words were not completely true.

I will speak a word of caution with this self-evaluation, however. I recently spoke with a person who is a compliant and overly critical of himself. Remember, compliant’s are easily made to feel guilty by controlling people for things they should not feel guilty for. This person’s spouse was pounding him with criticism for losing his temper, making him feel like the lack of the relationship’s success was mainly his fault. I had to remind him that he needed to compare apples with apples, not apples with sewage. No one is perfect; he was beating himself up emotionally for losing his temper when the cause of him losing his temper was that his spouse was consistently committing gross violations of the relationship by majorly destructive behavior. Anyone would, and actually should, become angry over consistent destructive behavior to the relationship.

Third, decide whether or not you have grown to the point of accepting positive criticism.

Though no one usually enjoys criticism, not all criticism is bad. Sometimes, the hurt we feel is not because the criticism is harmful, but because we have not grown to accept constructive criticism. For example, if the criticism came from a boss, yet you are feeling extremely hurt, it may be that you have not learned to accept even helpful criticism because your self-esteem is not well established. Though there are some bosses with issues, usually criticism on the job comes from people who have more experience on the job than you and are trying to catapult you to reach your potential. If you sense this is your situation, work on establishing your self-esteem or self-worth as well as taking captive the unrealistic thoughts that your boss doesn’t like you; make yourself focus on advancement. Click on Self Worth in the Tag Cloud in the right column for articles to help you with your self-esteem.

Last, whether or not the criticism was intentionally harmful, you can use it as an opportunity for personal growth.

The best way to explain this is to illustrate it with various examples.

• If you “wear you feelings on your shoulders” and are too easily hurt by people’s words, choose to use the situation to learn to take captive those thoughts and think on good thoughts so your emotions stay steady and your decisions are more effective.
• If you are in the habit of allowing people’s words to control you, such as with a person who is intentionally trying to harm you, again, use this opportunity to take captive those thoughts and think on good thoughts so that you will develop the habit of having authority over your own thoughts and not being manipulated by people’s words.
• If you take the opportunity to see if there are elements of truth in the criticism that are resulting from your personality flaws and adjust them, you will be a better person who is continually growing and has healthier relationships all around.
• If the criticism came from a person who is purposely harmful, using God’s 2 steps of dealing with harmful thoughts will bring you a great deal closer to living in a state of forgiveness, as your mind is not being manipulated by the negativity of their words.

You have authority over how people’s words affect your life. Do not allow those who desire to harm you to manipulate your thoughts. Yet, do yourself a favor and take advantage of the opportunity to grow from criticism in areas of your life that you may have otherwise neglected.

As over 5 million Americans suffer from Alzheimer’s and over 500,000 of them are under the age of 65, it is well worth looking into preventative measures.

I’m highlighting 10 points from an AOL article by Vicki Salemi with a link below to the full article. The sentences in parentheses are my comments on some of the points. The doctor in Ms. Salemi’s article does recommend certain drugs as preventative measures; we, personally, prefer non-drug methods as much as possible, as all drugs have some negative side effects which can outweigh any benefits.

Vitamin B Work with your doctor to put together a plan to incorporate whatever vitamins you are deficient in, particularly Vitamin B. [Our doctor said that Vitamin B is the most difficult vitamin for the body to absorb, so he suggests a quality B complex even if it is the only vitamin you take.]

Heart Healthy Foods Implement a heart healthy diet that’s low in fat and high in fruits, vegetables and whole grains.

Red Wine Red wine has anti-oxidants so we mention it as one of the many things you can do to reduce your risk of Alzheimer’s. [Due to my studies, I personally disagree with this recommendation. Though the media promotes red wine as an anti-oxidant, this appears to be more money marketing; as wine has potentially harmful side effects to the liver and brain, red grapes are a much safer source of red fruit anti-oxidants. There are also a wide variety of pomegranate anti-oxidant drinks on the market. Just be sure to read the label and not use those with added sugar or high fructose corn syrup. A second point, if you are using fruit juice instead of grapes, it is easier on your liver to dilute the fruit juice with water. We were created to eat fruit with the pulp so it would digest slowly; the sudden large intake of even natural sugar via a fruit juice can be a shock to your liver. That is the reason we have switched to vegetable juices during fasting as opposed to fruit juices. I had a negative reaction with my liver to the sudden overload of fruit juice during fasting.]

Mental Gymnastics Taking your brain out of the comfort zone is one way to make connections and remain stimulated, such as doing crossword puzzles, creates a multi-dimensional connection.

Exercise Thirty minutes of exercise several times a week is beneficial for brain health. Exercise brings more oxygen to your brain, it helps burn excess sugar, it enhances hormones and is good for blood flow.

Avoid Heavy Metal Contamination Avoid shrimp and shellfish due to the mercury. Avoid exposure to aluminum in general, aluminum foil, pots and pans or deodorant with aluminum as an ingredient. [When buying fish, we look for "wild caught" on the label, and albacore in tuna, as they are supposed to be lower in heavy metals, though some doctors avoid fish completely, such as Dr. Mercola.]

Anti-Inflammatory Drugs Naproxens (Aleve) and ibuprofens (Advil and other over the counter drugs) have shown that using pain relievers can reduce the risk of developing Alzheimer’s. Essentially these medications block enzymes that promote inflammation, fevers and pain. [As mentioned earlier, we personally prefer non-drug methods.]

Statins A study showed that statins, a cholesterol-reducing drug, lowered the risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease by 73%. [Again, we personally prefer non-drug methods.]

Lose Weight According to a recent study, abdominal fat (sometimes described as having an apple shaped body rather than a pear shape) has been linked to boosting your risk of getting Alzheimer’s disease or dementia.

Social Interaction Community activities, attending a religious service, volunteering, going to museums or movie theater or other activities that involve social interaction stimulates the brain muscle, similar to what lifting weights does for other muscles in the body.

Click here to read the full article by Vicki Salemi.

A recent study showed a high success rate in Alzheimer’s prevention and recovery with organic blueberries.

Blueberries are a high source of anti-oxidants. You will find them in many of the anti-oxidant drinks on the market. However, I heard a talk by Dr. Don Colbert, it is briefly mentioned in his book, Seven Pillars of Heatlh, p. 213, that a study was done on rats with Alzheimer’s symptoms. After receiving blueberries in their diets, the Alzheimer’s symptoms disappeared. Dr. Colbert suggests that anyone middle-age or older has ¼ cup of organic blueberries per day (organic so you won’t be taking in pesticides), to prevent, and possibly reverse, symptoms of Alzheimer’s.

Time spent with God creates in you the healing qualities that exist in God Himself.

In my last post, I used a quote contrasting human love and Divine love, showing the differing effects on our relationships. The more time one spends seeking God, the more His character becomes evident in your relationships with others, just the same as spending time in the presence of evil people adversely affects your character. With life’s busyness, it is easy to miss otherwise clear opportunities to bring healing to people’s broken hearts via the aspects of God’s nature that He has poured into us through our time spent with Him. I wanted to share with you a personal experience for the purpose of encouraging you to be aware of those opportunities.

During a particular year, there was a great deal of additional stress due to my parents having been in a severe auto accident. A couple of weeks into that accident, while they were still hospitalized, God spoke this verse to me while in prayer one morning, “You will be called, ‘Repairer of Broken Walls.’ (Is.58:12)” I didn’t even remember where the quote was located at the time. It was only vaguely familiar, so I looked it up in a software search so I could meditate on the meaning. I didn’t even have much time to meditate as we were about to leave again for the hospital.

A relative was coming into town that day to visit my parents. My spouse mentioned that we should do lunch. I stressed at the thought of time at a restaurant when the crisis had put us so far behind in various aspects of our lives, but then submitted myself to the possibility of this being a divine opportunity. My relative wanted to do lunch. Due to a busload of high schoolers at the restaurant, we had a half hour wait for a table. While talking about certain issues with my parents, the subject came up of how emotionally abusive my maternal grandfather had been and how it influenced certain aspects of my parents’ lives even in adulthood. I noticed that my relative’s face suddenly fill with pain and anger. I recalled an incident from the childhood in which my grandfather had deeply hurt this relative. He had made fun of this relative singing; the person had never sung since.

This relative had recently received custody of a grandchild. The child had been watching children’s shows on TV but, as the child had come out of a bad situation, the child was hesitant to talk and sing along with the programs. My relative wanted to help the child overcome this difficulty, but was still feeling the result of their personal own childhood hurts. Referring to my grandfather, I said, “He’s gone now. He’s dead. Don’t let him harm your life anymore. You need to sing for you! Your grandchild needs you to sing. It is something that will be memorable to that child for life!” My relative began to weep and said, “Thank you, thank you!” I almost missed that opportunity to heal a broken heart due to (1) my own stress and busyness and (2) that I would not have been visualizing myself as a “Repairer of Broken Walls” if God had not just spoken it to me that morning.

Similar to the Law of Attraction, if you visualize yourself as being the healer God desires you to be due to His qualities in you, it will cause you to be aware of healing opportunities.

In Isaiah 61, God lists various aspects of healing in His nature that can flow through our natures as well once we decide to be aware of them. It speaks to “bind up the brokenhearted, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve– to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations.” By allowing God’s healing nature to flow through you, you can restore the lives of people that have been long devastated, even for generations!

If you feel that you don’t know people who have “walls” to be repaired, you are not taking time to get to know people well enough! Another person recently said to me, “My life was falling apart physically, spiritually, and emotionally until God brought you along.” Every person, no matter how well adjusted or successful, in whom I take the time to show an interest in the details of their lives, has proven that there are deep hurts, issues, “walls” that need to be repaired.

Our culture today puts so much emphasis on “programs” by churches and other organizations, and they have their place, but it doesn’t replace the effect we have on those people we encounter in our daily lives. If we are being stretched too thin time-wise to even get to know people well enough for them to confide in us about their broken walls, we are missing out on one of the single most valuable parts of life. Don’t let culture or religious tradition cloud your focus. Visualize yourself as allowing God’s healing nature to move through you to heal broken hearts. Be a Repairer of Broken Walls!

Sometimes our lack of satisfaction with the love we are giving and receiving results from operating solely in the human level instead of the Divine.

I want to share with you a quote I had kept that aptly describes how operating solely in human love instead of Divine love affects the quality of our relationships. The quote is from the late Kenneth Hagin. It is in his book, Faith Food.

Natural love is selfish. Divine love is giving, unselfish. Natural love can turn to hatred when it doesn’t get its way. Divine love, when it is reviled [treated hatefully], reviles not again. God’s divine love is not interested in what it can get but in what it can give. After our new spiritual birth, it is natural for divine love to flow through us and dominate how we live our lives.

As husbands and wives, God’s divine love must dominate us, not natural love, for it is too shallow. Not only can we love our spouse with natural affection, but with divine love that seeks other’s welfare, and never seeks its own. Reciprocate in always putting each other first and outdoing one another in love.

Love is patient and kind; sometimes we endure a situation but we are not kind about it. It is the flesh that is haughty, rude, boastful, arrogant, conceited or unmannerly.

When temptation comes [to respond in a natural love that turns to hatred when you don't get what you want], speak this confession: I am born of the love of God. I will allow the love of God within me to dominate this situation. God loves those who are undeserving and unlovely. Because of the nature of God in me, I now love those who are undeserving and unlovely and do not respond out of my natural affinities [natural likes and dislikes]. Faith Food, February 13th post.

For a related article with a description of God’s type of love, read my post “Recognizing Real Love.”

Various health concerns can be addressed through a shift to eating more alkaline, rather than acidic, foods.

Your body is intended to function with an internal alkaline environment. Many body processes only function at peak performance with a proper body pH. Poor eating and health practices turn the body’s internal environment into an acidic one. Ailments such as weight gain, diabetes, heart disease, cancer, eczema, ulcers, chronic fatigue, arthritis, osteoporosis, and depression are only a partial list of results from an acidic body. Unless your eating practices are extremely tragic in nature, it is easy to move to an intake of a majority of alkaline foods, rather than acidic, without making the harsh changes normally associated with the word “diet.”

Here is a quote to help you understand the pH’s effect in the body from the Price-Pottenger Foundation for Nutrition:

First, let us define the terms acidity and alkalinity and get familiar with some basic chemistry. In terms of chemistry, when one talks about acidity or alkalinity, one is talking about hydrogen. An acid is a substance that releases hydrogen into a solution and an alkali or base is one that removes hydrogen from a solution. Inside the human body, the acid-alkaline balance is important since many functions in the body occur only at a certain level of acidity or alkalinity. Many enzymes and chemical reactions in the body work best at a particular pH. A small change in pH can have a profound effect on body function. For example, muscle contractibility declines and hormones like adrenaline and aldosterone increase as the body becomes slightly more acid. In addition, different parts of the body have different levels of acidity and alkalinity.

You can easily and inexpensively test your body’s pH level on a daily basis.

To get your body back to a proper pH level, you can easily test your body’s pH with a urine test strip and have the result in 15 seconds. The test strip will also work with saliva, though I have read that saliva results are less accurate. Though many companies grossly overcharge for test strips, we found a health company with a great price on the test strips, good instructions, and easy-to-read color charts. One of people’s usual complaints with test strips is being unable to match the colors to the chart. These are supposed to be the most accurate test strips on the market, with 2 color readings on each strip and a chart of 14 variations with which to match it. A pH value below 7 is considered acid and above 7 alkaline. The optimum health range is 7.0 to 7.5. A range of 6.5 to 6.75 needs minor dietary adjustments. A range of 6.0 to 6.25 needs significant dietary adjustments. A level below 6.0 suggests seeing your physician.

We are in no way associate with this company but are very happy with this product’s price and quality, as are the people we’ve referred to it. You can find the box of 80 test strips for only $7.99 US at ph-ion.com. Shipping prices vary with the shipping method you prefer. Click here for the test strips from pH Ion Balance.

What appears to be only a slightly lower than optimum PH can be misleading.

Often people think that if their pH level is a 6 on a pH scale of 1 to 14 that 1 point low cannot be significant. However, the levels are on what is called an exponential scale. Every point drop means that your body is 10 times more acidic. So a second point drop would be 100 times more acidic —10 x 10. For a more detailed description, here is a biologist’s explanation:

Unfortunately, the simplicity of the pH scale is somewhat misleading. Most folks tend to think that each unit change in pH is equal. If this were so, then a 2- unit change in pH would equal twice the amount of acid/base difference as that of a 1-unit change. Thus, it would take twice as much acid to drop from pH 7 to 5 as that needed to drop from pH 7 to 6.

However, pH is actually an exponential scale. Every unit change in pH equals a 10-fold increase or decrease in acidity (or basicity). Thus, dropping from pH 7 to 6 is a 10-fold increase in acidity. However, dropping further to pH 5 is another 10-fold increase, or a 100-fold increase (10 x 10 = 100) in acidity from pH 7. For this reason, even minor deviations in pH around the more extreme values constitute much greater changes in acidity (or basicity) than seemingly major changes around the neutral mark. For example, merely dropping from pH 3.1 to 3.0 equals an increase in acidity more than 238 times greater than dropping from pH 7 to 6.

An easy-to-read food chart of alkaline and acidic foods will readily assist you in adjusting your food intake.

There is a wonderful chart of alkaline and acidic foods provided by Essence of Life. Take note of the last page of the chart which lists the alkaline foods from the most alkalizing to the least alkalizing. That way you can focus on the foods with the higher alkaline levels and make few changes in your eating habits. However, you need to go to their site at Essence-of-Life.com and print out the full chart because the remainder of the chart on their site lists over 4 pages of alkaline and acidic foods.

You don’t need to keep testing you pH every day for the rest of your life to be healthy.

In the beginning, you will want to test your pH every day while you are adding more alkaline foods to your diet. Once you have figured out what types and amounts of foods appear to keep your pH at the optimum level on a daily basis, switch to testing once a week. After a month, if you are staying consistent in your pH and holding to the food changes you decided were necessary, you probably can feel comfortable with only testing your pH once a month.

I have mentioned the Law of Attraction several times, as it is a secular philosophy built on scriptural principles, that has become very popular again in recent years. It involves speaking out the good that you need to see take place in your life, visualizing it, believing that it will come in to existence, and, through this focus, changing your thought patterns so that you (1) develop good, creative decisions which make you successful and (2) become aware of helpful connections and opportunities that you would have missed if you had not changed the focus of your thinking.

I came across a brief, but thorough article by Rhonda Jones which clearly describes how the Law of Attraction is scripturally based and how to effectively implement it. A link to the full article is below and is well worth reading.

Here are excerpts of her 6 steps to attract restoration and success:

Ask - The first step is deciding what it is you want from God. You need to create specific goals for your life. Be specific about what you desire by creating a vision chart or writing down your specific request…

Believe - You must believe that you have already received what you asked for. I’m talking about faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for that evidence of things not seen. Your faith is not in yourself or your own abilities. The scriptures tell us to have faith in God. That is where the power lies…

Receive - Step three is to receive. The scriptures tell us to, “speak those things that are not as though they were.” Again Jesus said, believe that you have received it and you shall have it. Before anything can manifest on earth, it must first be manifested in heaven–the spiritual realm. Therefore you must see and imagine that your desire has arrived or already taken place…

Wait - Another component of receiving is waiting on the promise…The scriptures tell us that through faith and patience we will inherit what God has promised. Give God the time and opportunity to bring your desires to fruition. Don’t dig up your seed before it has time to grow. Don’t let others or discouragement steal your seed as well.

Weed - Focus on what it is you want, and not what you don’t have…If you plant seed-thoughts of fear then you will receive more the fear. Whatever you dwell or focus on will expand. Weed out negative thoughts or debilitating mindsets through daily meditation and use of relevant scriptures. Keep the vision alive by spending a few moments each day meditating on your desired outcomes, goals or vision…

Contentment - Learn to live in the moment- enjoying and appreciating the blessings in your life today while you prepare to receive more in the future. For godliness with contentment is great gain. Never let the accumulation of things or new circumstances out shadow your love and commitment to Christ. For it is God who gives you all things richly to enjoy…

Click here to read Rhonda’s full article on the Law of attraction.