Abusive Relationships: What if You Still Love Them?

November 20th, 2008

A reader asked about how to move beyond an abusive relationship when you still feel love for that person.

This is actually a common feeling from people in abusive, or even just very controlling relationships. A prominent pastor’s wife in Atlanta filed for divorce when a relationship involving much emotional abuse evolved into a physical attack. She said that she still felt love toward him but decided to “take her love with her and leave” for her own welfare. A loved one of ours, after having decided some time ago to leave an abusive relationship is now feeling that he loves the other person in spite of the fact that his health, career, and family life have all been destroyed by the other person.

An initial step is to realize the difference between love and concern.

A friend in a bad relationship once had another friend tell him, “You care about her well-being, but it doesn’t sound like you really love her.” There is a major difference between love and concern. It is unlikely that you will feel completely devoid of concern over the person’s well being if you have shared a major part of your life or major events in your life with him or her. However, concern over his or her well being is not proof of the existence of a loving relationship.

People in emotionally or physically abusive situations often suffer from Stockholm syndrome, not just people in hostage situations.

In Stockholm Syndrome, the person in an abusive or controlling situation begins to experience a psychological response of defending the “captor” and showing loyalty to the abuser. (1) Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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When to Change Your Friends

November 19th, 2008

Reading Level: Leisurely

A reader asked what to do about harmful friends?

The question itself is almost an oxymoron-opposite terms. You usually do not think of calling someone a “friend” who is harmful to you. However, depending on one’s personality, some people tend to repeatedly choose relationships with people who are harmful to them-emotionally or physically. Other times, it may simply be an idiosyncrasy in the friend’s personality that needs to be discussed.
Let’s take a look at how to determine if the relationship is harmful, why you chose the relationship, and when to change friends.

A few simple questions can help you determine if the friendship is healthy for you or not.

Answer each of the following questions either (1) most of the time, (2) about half the time, or (3) rarely.

1. Does the relationship with your friend lessen your self-esteem?

2. Does the relationship hinder you from achieving short and/or long term goals?

3. Does the relationship create various stress-related physical health problems, such as headaches, stomachaches, nervousness, or lack of sleep?

4. Does the relationship cause emotional health issues, such as fear, worry, or intimidation?

If your answers were in the 1 or 2 range, the friendship is showing signs of harmful behavior which is negatively affecting the well-being of your life in significant amounts.

If the friendship is affecting your life mainly in negative ways, ask yourself why you became involved in that relationship.

If you repeatedly choose to be in relationships with people who are not good for you and your life, you need to ask yourself why? Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Conflict Resolution: Overlook or Fight

November 10th, 2008

Reading Level: Leisurely

One part of conflict resolution is knowing which battles to fight.

There are times when you need to defend or protect yourself over a certain right that is being violated, especially if it is repeatedly by the same individual. If the violation is actually something harmful to your life or a hindrance to your goals, it is probably worth being addressed. However, there are so many irritations or offenses that take place in a day or a week which are isolated instances that do not have any long term affect on your life. Often, it is more to your benefit to overlook these type of offenses than make an issue to “resolve” them or fight for your rights.

When it comes to offenses or irritations that are better overlooked, the ability to choose to overlook the offense can increase your character and bring great satisfaction.

Proverbs 19:11 says, “It is to a man’s glory to overlook an offense.” In other words, it proves you have a higher level of character when you are strong enough to choose to ignore an isolated offense of limited impact, realizing that it is not worth your time and energy to “fight” in that situation.

I did a word study of this quote in 2 different English translations as well as in the original Hebrew. The additional definitions provide extra clarity to the “glory” of overlooking an offense. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Stress – How to Cope Part 2

September 26th, 2008

Table of contents for Stress

  1. Stress – Its Effects on Your Health
  2. Stress - How to Cope
  3. Stress – How to Cope Part 2

Implementing these 6 daily habits will empower you to better cope with stress.

This is Part 2 of steps for coping with stress. Please read the first 5 steps for coping with stress if you missed them by clicking on the link at the beginning of this post. These steps on how to alleviate stress are condensed from Dr. Don Colbert’s book, “The Seven Pillars of Health.”

Guard Your Mental Intake: What enters into your mind affects your health. Many people begin their day listening to national or world news, soap operas, gossipy morning talk shows, or music with negative lyrics. If your day begins by filling your mind with worries about the economy or other people’s problems and/or dysfunctions, you are bound to be stressed before you even get to work! Wisdom from Prov. 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart, for out of it spring the issues of life.” What you put into your internal being affects every issue of your life. Does your intake create strength and healing? If not, change to positive input.

Breathe Correctly: Proper breathing is one of the best de-stressing techniques and usually the least used. Dr. Colbert tells of asking a paramedic friend what made the different between a trauma patient living or dying. He answered, “I have seen others with significantly less severe injuries die because they simply quit breathing.” Though we are born breathing correctly, abdominal breathing, most of us end up chest and shoulder breathing using short breaths. Our abdomen should rise and fall when we breathe, not our chest and/or shoulders. Abdominal breathing has a calming effect on the brain and nervous system as well as relieving pain, stress, and muscle tension.

Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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