Table of contents for Relationship Issues Q&A

1. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 1
2. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 2

Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, one of my favorite authors, is a frequent guest speaker for the Family Series event hosted by Bill Hybel.  There are some excerpts of one of his talks. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” and “Safe People.” You can listen or watch the full talk by Dr. Cloud at this link (Part VI on their page).

This is a continuation of a 2 part post. If you missed Part 1, use the above series link.

These are paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s question and answer session on some of life’s toughest relationship questions. Please use the link below to watch or listen to the full video or audio. The insights will greatly benefit yourself, your friends, and family.

5. With regard to blended families and step families, how can a parent continue a close relationship with a child who is living with the other re-married parent and both parental roles are already being fulfilled in the child’s life?

This is a painful scenario and there is no way to go through this without feeling some loss. However, the first important step is to remove from your thoughts the concept of “either/or” because you are both in the child’s life. You don’t have control of when you are not there, but you do have 100% control of the relationship you have when you are together with your child. First, if you are nurturing, warm, and positive and do great stuff together, yet have requirements and expectations that he live by your rules, even if the other parent is a non-structure type, kids deep down eventually gravitate toward structure. You will face fights and some “prodigal son” moments, but continue to be the best person you can be in regards to loving and discipline. The child will develop an attachment to you based on that.

The second important point is don’t poison the other relationship with the step parent or the one with your ex. You want the child to have as many positive relationships as possible.

Third, have a transcendent desire, one that transcends any wounds, and can come together to work on what is best for the kids. It is so easy to get caught up in rehashing old hurts and wants. You can still come together, agreeing that “These are our issues. We will never get along on these points, otherwise we would still be married.” Then carve out a space where you can come together solely to work on what is best for the children.

6. What is your advice for a couple whose interests are so different that they never spend any time together?

Something is wrong if you only spend time pursuing your own personal tastes/interests. There are vital things in life that we all should be interested in, unless we are living a life only to ourselves, an ego-centric life that does not transcend our own interests. You and your spouse should be involved in some universal interests, like reaching out to the poor or extended family, doing activities with your kids, community service involvement, spiritual activities at the church. So, first find universal things to be involved in that have nothing to do with person tastes.

Second, move past your own interests to the interests of others [in your mindset and lifestyle]. Cross the fence and become of student of your spouse’s heart, mind, soul, strengths, and passions. [Dr. Cloud then gave the example of a man who hated art but loved going to his wife’s art exhibits because he realized he was able to see another part of her, a part of her life’s passion and talents that he could not see otherwise; it was another part of her person that he could fall in love with as he immersed himself in watching her in her element.

7. As a clinical psychologist, what are some of the key elements to get right with our families?

If you do the most important one, most of the others will fall into place. Go back to the original design of how God designed marriage to work. The formula God gave of leaving parents, cleaving to your spouse, and becoming one [Gen.2:24] contains life-changing dynamics.

The leaving must take first before the cleaving. When a person doesn’t do the “leave” part, it is because of not wanting to stand up to the parent’s control issues–wanting [the grown child] to stay forever or wanting intrusion rights– or because [the grown child] is still in a dependency relationship with the parent emotionally, financially or desiring approval. The Hebrew word for leave is brutal; it means utterly forsake. This does not mean to abandon your parents, because we are supposed to have intergenerational ties and relationships. However, what you forsake is that child role from your family of origin; be an adult and now cleave to your spouse.

The next step in the formula is two whole people become one. The oneness is created by two whole people coming together. Here is the typical problem, though; if you are not a complete person as an adult, if you are a half person looking for another half person to make a whole, ½ x ½ = ¼! When we bring brokenness into brokenness, we get reduced to less of a person than we were to begin with and we just want out so that the pain will stop.

To make a relationship work, the key is that both spouses must be on a path to become whole, mature, complete people. It does not mean perfect people, but that you’ve worked out the stuff so [when a crisis occurs], you don’t whine like a two year old; you get up and solve the problem. Men need to be in groups of men who will give them the support they did not get from their families of origin, and the same with women, see your [counselor] or whatever you have to do so that both people are becoming whole persons and then establish a family, and pass that wholeness on. This is the best thing you can do.

Last , you’ve got to have a strategic plan for your family and do it with intention. The rule of life is that the urgent will always crowd out the vital. Carve out purposeful times that are going to be reserved for you, and for the support groups. We also have a family meeting every week where we talk about “What can we do better this week? What do we want you to do better this week? What do you want us to do better this week?” We are working on things and we’re growing together. When you do that, if you are getting good information and you are growing, you are going to succeed.

To make full use of the vital information Dr. Cloud has provided, please use this link to watch the video or audio. Click Part VI on their play list.

Table of contents for Relationship Issues Q&A

1. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 1
2. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 2

Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, one of my favorite authors, is a frequent guest speaker for the Family Series event hosted by Bill Hybel.  There are some excerpts of one of his talks. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” and “Safe People.” You can listen or watch the full talk by Dr. Cloud at this link (Part VI on their page).

Here are some paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s question and answer session on some of life’s toughest relationship questions. We’ll do this in a 2 part post.  Please use the link below to watch or listen to the full video or audio.

1. Where do you draw the line between tough love and unconditional love?

There is a problem with this term of “drawing the line.” When we look at God’s personality, His expectations are done in ways that are perfectly loving and honest so He never has to “draw the line” due to having gone too far down an enabling, co-dependent road. With parents, too often we have let the child go too long down a path without consequences until it is at a point where harm will come to them if he (or she does) not get control of himself. It should never get to this point, but if it does, it should be done in a loving way.

As for child discipline, in this culture people often say, “Don’t say ‘No’ to your child; give them choices.” As an adult, one runs into ‘No’s,’ with speed limits, job requirements, etc. Our job as parents is to arrange situations in a way that when they make good decisions then good things happen and when they make bad decisions bad things happen. The goal is to transfer self control to the child. They should grow to the point of being in charge of themselves and feeling, “Oh, I better do it this way so something uncomfortable does not happen.” …we must take a stance that requires them to step into maturity so they are in control and we can finally delegate that job to them.

2. How do you address character issues in marriage? How do you let a spouse know you want more from a relationship without making them feel like a bad spouse?

In response to the first part of the question, most problems are the same in every marriage whether or not it is a good marriage, unless something strange is going on. It is how it is handled that makes the difference. Research shows that you can predict divorce in couples by 90% accuracy if couples (1) are judgmental, critical in giving feedback to each other instead of problem solving and (2) if they have a lot of contempt for the spouse.

To answer the second part of the questions, the best way to talk without making the other person feel bad is to talk about what you both want in the relationship that is positive. Express how their behavior is affecting what you both want…By talking about how the behavior’s negatively affecting what you both want out of the relationship, you are not saying they are a bad person but that the situations are negatively affecting what is important to them. If you’ve been unable to make these changes on your own [as a couple], you should probably talk to a counselor or pastor, too.

3. How do I balance time between work, family, friends, hobbies, etc?

Technology has created more difficulties in this area. Before, work had walls and time boundaries. Now we bring it home. If “life” is not protected, than life will not happen. [Dr. Cloud has a book on this topic, “The One Life Solution.”] A main quote of mine is “Follow the misery and make a rule.”

It is similar to God’s rule for the Sabbath, that there should be a protected, designated time, sometime during the week, for rest. Studies show that your brain needs downtime to grow new neuro-pathways. Couples need to talk about “Where is this not working for us?” and set some boundaries, protect your relationships. Examples, no work at home or no work email at home, set weekly date night with no kids, set weekly family meeting. If you do not put the vital things of life into protective structures, something will always get in the way.

4. How can one trust again after having experienced repeated unfaithful spouses?

First, this is one of the most painful experiences a person can go through. But if you have consistently had this experience, before marrying again, you may want to check your “people picker.” Bad people do “happen” to good people, but sometimes we make it easier for it to happen with our blind spots. Go through a good divorce recovery and see why you choose self-absorbed or unfaithful spouses and why you don’t recognize it earlier on in the relationship. We sometimes come into marriage lacking wholeness. We may have parts of us that are inaccessible to bring into the relationship or we do not have the skills to handle hurts that happen. Marriage needs to be a place to bring all of yourself. When you are hurt, you are able to bring that hurt and resolve it instead of take it someplace else. Or, when your needs are not being met, you also show up with your conflict resolution skills and work it out…When you get something immature from your spouse, don’t be overcome by that. Do not let them regress you..if you don’t have that in you, get a support group so that you can take health into the relationship. (Use the link below to hear Dr. Cloud input on if you want to restore a relationship broken by unfaithfulness.)

We will continue with more paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s relationship question and answer session in Part 2 of this post. To make full use of the vital information Dr. Cloud has provided, please use this link to watch the video or audio. Click Part VI on their play list.

If you missed Bill’s Hybel’s talk on “5 Key Compatiblities” to look for to guide you through easy-to-follow principles for determining your compatibility in a relationship, be sure to read it for your own benefit and that of your friends and family. Good information for everyone! This talk is Part II in their media player list.

In actuality, all the people you love, those that you have expended yourself to help and sacrificed your own well-being, will be better off after you re-focus on self help! This article by fellow SelfGrowth.com professional, Lori Snyder, covers 10 basic steps for getting back to daily care for yourself.

Lori admits that she herself was so busy with everyone else’s needs that she sidelined her own needs, only to discover that the reality was, by neglecting her own needs and not meeting them first, she was not able to give her best to those she loves. These are brief excerpts from Ms. Snyder’s article. Use the link in the footnote below to read the full article.

1. Start each day filled with gratitude for all that you are…Appreciate the beauty all around you. [I would suggest, at the beginning, to make a list of self appreciation points. If you’ve neglected yourself for a long time, it will be difficult at the beginning to really focus on your own value.]

2. Count your blessings for the people who you love and who love you…They all come, and some go, for a reason.

3. Take a moment of silence for yourself to meditate, and think about what your needs of the day are, and what you would like to accomplish.

4. Be mindful of your health, and incorporate a wellness schedule into your week. Exercise, eat healthy, get enough rest.

5. Look at your goals sheet quickly each week, and evaluate how you are doing with them.

6. Learn new things, research something you have always been interested in. Talk about them with your loved ones.

7. Take the time to give loved ones and friends, a squeezing hug.

8. Come from a positive mindset. This will help you to create a happier state of being.

9. Take time to play. This can be any hobby or activity that you truly enjoy.

10. Do not be afraid to say no to someone…Tell them you still care about their needs, it is just that you cannot do what they ask of you at this time. You can choose to state your reasons for your decision or not.

This ending quote by Lori is both a good summary and challenge:

If your needs are met, you will be in much better spiritual, mental and physical shape to be there for all the people in your life who are important to you. And you will be in a much happier frame of mind to want to support them with their needs.

Please use this link to read Lori Snyder’s full article, Looking Out for Number One. 

I came across a helpful article by fellow SelfGrowth.com author Laurie McAnaugh; here are some excerpts from it to help you overcome the negativity and enjoy your holiday experience. Use the links in the footnotes to read her full article.  (This is one of the classic holiday “help” articles– a good reminder for each of us each Christmas/New Year’s season.)

Ms. McAnaugh discusses that if holidays are emotionally draining to you rather than a time to enjoy remembrances of all you have to be thankful for, you may need to ask yourself the following questions:

-Why do I behave that way when I’m around certain members of my family?

-I don’t always like who I am when I am around that person.

-What is it about that person that they constantly say things that hurt my feelings?

-What is it about me that I allow that person to get under my skin?

If the holidays cause you to have the above thoughts, Ms. McAnaugh encourages you to ponder these questions:

-How would it feel to spend the holidays with each of your family members and still feel good about yourself, during and after the experience?

-How would it feel to imagine a solid bubble around yourself that protects you from any insult or negative words?

-How would it feel to believe so strongly in your positive contribution to the world that you simply have no need to react at all to anything anyone says or thinks about you?

This is a great quote from Laurie on having true power during your holiday interactions:

When we focus our energy on someone else’s choices…we let them affect us in ways that cause us frustration, guilt and defensiveness. If we could consider that this person is doing the best they can with the tools they have…and their choices are a reflection on them…it would remind us that how we react to others is a choice that only we can make. As much as we want to believe that controlling the actions of others would make our lives easier, in fact it’s really the other way around. Being in control of our own actions and most of all, reactions, is a characteristic of true power.

Rather than focusing on the words and actions of others, Ms. McAnaugh admonishes us to focus on what we can control—our own behavior and being who we want to be.

It should be noted, when interacting with others, it’s always necessary to take responsibility for our own behavior. Learning to step away from a situation to ask ourselves, “Is this who I want to be?…Am I acting out of guilt, jealousy or an unnecessary need to be understood by others?” When we step away to observe our own actions, it is…a time to own it, fix it and then move on. There’s nothing more powerful then saying, “That behavior and way of thinking is not in line with who I want to be. I know I can do better.”

Laurie concludes her article with the well stated point that when we decide that our own positive opinion of ourselves is the most important one, we are less affected by others’ opinions and can simply ignore others’ negativity.

Click Here to Read Laurie’s Full Article: Learning to Enjoy The Holidays No Matter Where You Are 
Laurie McAnaugh is the founder of Access Your Power and achieves her mission through teaching workshops, consulting privately with clients and presenting to groups nationwide.  Her website is http://www.choosetobepowerful.com

Generous people are often compulsive givers, quickly responding to the needs around them, even to their own detriment. It does not take too many years of a lifestyle of compulsive giving to leave one wondering why — when he (or she) has been such a good, caring person — he is struggling with exhaustion and resentment. Ever catch yourself wondering, “How can my life be so miserable and out of control when all I have done is spent my life helping people in need?” People with generous spirits often burn out due to not having healthy generosity. No, not all generosity is healthy; just as with every other area of your life, it must be controlled by wisdom.

A generous person who is also a religious person tends to be more readily trapped into a lifestyle of unhealthy, unwise giving.

As I have mentioned in prior posts, the life of a religious person that is unhappy and out of balance is often due to childhood teaching that is based on religious tradition rather than the truth of Scripture. Let’s look at a quote on giving that is frequently misunderstood due to religious tradition.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus. Phil. 2:3-5

This quote is used by religious tradition to promote a life of self abasement, or self neglect, when, in actuality, it is promoting a lifestyle of balance in the attitude of giving. First, it expresses the need for those who struggle with selfish ambition and pride to combat that unhealthy, imbalanced attitude by thinking better of others. The second sentence, used by religious tradition to make people feel guilty for taking care of their own needs, does not promote unhealthy giving that only looks to the interests of others. Look at the quote again, “Look not only to your own interests…”

The words “not only” mean 2 things are to be taking place — Yes, take care of your own interests (or needs), but remember to also take care of the needs of others. God does not say to only give to others’ needs and neglect your own interests; on the contrary, He says to take care of your own needs and the needs of others. It is significant that taking care of your own needs is mentioned first, as you cannot effectively take care of other people’s needs unless you first take care of your own so that you are a “whole” person.

To have a healthy, wise, and balanced lifestyle of giving, it is also important to remember that givers usually have difficulty discerning which situations are the other person’s actual needs.

A person who is a user/abuser tries to get out of his personal life responsibilities by promoting his irresponsibilities as needs. It is unwise and unhealthy for both people involved when a giving person takes care of situations that are the user’s personal responsibility. It enables the user to stay irresponsible and overloads and burns out the giver. If you need more information on these types of situations, use these links to read about it in detail.
Spiritual Guidelines to Stay Free From Abusive Relationships
Freedom Through Responsibility

Let’s look at one last quote that effectively describes healthy, wise, controlled giving.

For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have. Our desire is not that others might be relieved while you are hard pressed, but that there might be equality. At the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need. Then there will be equality. 2 Cor. 8:12-14

The easiest way to explain this quote is to again paraphrase. If you have a willingness to give, you are to give based on what you have, so that you are not hard pressed. If you are depleted of both energy and time, you are “hard pressed;” you need to rest and be refreshed so that you will again be able to give of what you have, i.e. time and energy. If someone keeps expecting you to pay their bills and it is causing you to be “hard pressed,” it is not healthy giving. The person’s need may be real, but you are not the one to be giving at this time. Get the person in touch with a charity organization, food pantry, church, etc. which has avenues available to help needy people.

Take a self inventory to determine the healthiness of your giving.

How happy, rested, and refreshed are you now-physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually? If you are exhausted, depleted, and struggling with resentment, it is time to step back and re-evaluate your giving. God doesn’t expect you to give until you are hard-pressed. He desires “equality” or balance in your life and relationships. Evaluate which areas of your life and relationships are unhealthy, out-of-control and causing you to be hard-pressed. Make the necessary changes so that you are refreshed and restored. Controlled giving is truly wise and healthy giving.

I recently read a very valuable article which covered many essential aspects of rebuilding your life to be the healthy, effective life that you desire to live. Kim Child’s article featured quotes from 3 life coach experts, footnoted below, to explain how to make lasting changes for a life that you will love. She discovered most effective life makeovers involve starting with (a) small steps, (b) setting boundaries, and (c) reaching out for support. Here are excerpts from the main points in Ms. Child’s article:

First, look at what is already working well in your life.

Even when a person feels like everything in his life must be changed, usually there are some things that are working well which should be noted and appreciated. Life coach Victoria Moran suggests to list 10 things for which you are grateful about in your life each morning before getting out of bed.(1)

Second, take time for prayer, meditation, and/or journaling before the day’s agenda begins.

This is essential to craft a health lifestyle and stay centered [on what is healthful, best, and important] in the midst of change.(1)

Third, it is importance to focus on a daily plan of nutrition and exercise.

Moran refers to this as “taking care of the vehicle,” saying, “Regardless of what you want in life, you have to get it in this physical body…You’re not going to have a very good shot at changing your attitude and thinking positive thoughts if those thoughts have to be filtered through a brain that is living on junk food and doesn’t have enough oxygen because you don’t exercise.(1)

Fourth, once one has begun to make positive changes, he needs to clean up the environment in which the old, self-destructive habits flourished.

Ms. Childs next refers to life coach Cheryl Richardson for input on how people pleasers have to start saying “No” and setting boundaries where boundaries did not exist before. Ms. Richardson says that as people learn to practice taking better care of themselves, former habits in relationships need to change. “In order to live a high-quality life – a life that truly honors your self-care — you have to master the art of disappointing people, making them angry or hurting their feelings.” Avoiding the discomfort of displeasing others results in “living for others, becoming resentful or even sick, and struggling with relationships when resentments build.” Richardson advises people to think ahead of time of a response that is truthful, respectful, but direct enough to communicate that you are saying “No.”(2)  [This is similar to the chapter from Cloud and Townsend's "Boundaries" in which says it is often necessary to hurt people to do what is right and healthy for you; this does not "harm" the person, even though it may hurt their feelings. This realization helps you implement such changes. Click here to read the post, When is Pain Good? ]

Fifth, starting over with re-making one’s life means setting boundaries for yourself, too, by changing areas that are messy, neglected, or out of balance.

Home and work environments need to be de-cluttered to “honor your deepest need for things like joy, beauty, rest, creative expression, and peace.” Investing in these basic needs first will then allow one to focus successfully on areas such as financial debt and poor relationships. An uncluttered home is soul nourishing and an investment in your financial health. With relationships that are “one way streets, you need to focus on telling the truth in your relationships and letting toxic people go.”(2)

Sixth, create a circle of support to practice self-care and stay on track as your true dreams and desires become more apparent.

This is especially necessary when family members or friends do not understand or appreciate one’s new ways. Without support and accountability, old habits will slip back in, causing you to fall short of success. These support groups are essential to keep you from feeling that you have lost your mind when family and friends are lacking in understanding.(2)

Seventh, envision the life that you dream of having.

[As with the Law of Attraction, and even with the scriptural principle of visualization that God gave Abraham for his promised descendants, it is important to be able to visualize where your life needs to go. For more on this, read the post Visualizing Your Dreams.] As described by Bob Doyle in his program “Wealth Beyond Reason,” a person’s thoughts, emotions, and expectations shape their life experiences.”   Doyle also encourages a network of support, making the valid point that “It doesn’t matter how much you know intellectually about a particular thing, there’s always going to be somebody who sees you differently than you are able to see yourself.”(3)

Excerpts from “Fall in Love with Your Life,” Kim Childs, pp. 24-27, Natural Awakenings, February 2009 issue.

(1) Quotes from life coach Victoria Moran’s “Living a Charmed Life: Your Guide to Finding Magic in Every Moment and Meaning in Every Day.”
(2) Quotes from life coach Cheryl Richardson’s “The Art of Extreme Self-Care.”
(3) Quotes from Bob Doyle’s at BoundlessLiving.com

The question itself is almost an oxymoron  (opposite terms). You usually do not think of calling someone a “friend” who is harmful to you. However, depending on one’s personality, some people tend to repeatedly choose relationships with people who are harmful to them — emotionally or physically. Other times, it may not be that the person is harmful, but that there is an idiosyncrasy in the friend’s personality that, if discussed and dealt with, would heal the relationship .

Let’s take a look at how to determine if the relationship is harmful, why you chose the relationship, and when to change friends.

A few simple questions can help you determine if the friendship is healthy for you or not.

Answer each of the following questions either (1) most of the time, (2) about half the time, or (3) rarely.

1. Does the relationship with your friend lessen your self-esteem?

2. Does the relationship hinder you from achieving short and/or long term goals?

3. Does the relationship create various stress-related physical health problems, such as headaches, stomachaches, nervousness, or lack of sleep?

4. Does the relationship cause emotional health issues, such as fear, worry, or intimidation?

If your answers were in the 1 or 2 range, the friendship is showing signs of harmful behavior which is negatively affecting the well-being of your life in significant amounts.

If the friendship is affecting your life mainly in negative ways, ask yourself why you became involved in that relationship.

If you repeatedly choose to be in relationships with people who are not good for you and your life, you need to ask yourself why? There is most likely a harmful situation in your past, either childhood or early adulthood, which drastically reduced your self-esteem. Sometimes such an experience causes a subconscious response in which you choose people that are not good for you because you do not place enough value on yourself; you subconsciously feel that you do not deserve a wonderful friend. Identify the past situation, and then focus on changing your self worth.

If choosing poor friendships is not a common pattern in your life, why is this relationship different? Usually, it would then have begun for a reason that is not near as important as your well-being, such as status, the person’s appearance, pressure from other friends or family, etc. If the relationship was begun by such a poor quality decision, why continue it? It is doubtful that good will come from it.

Next, change the focus to your self-worth.

Your value is limitless and unending. It is based on the value God sees in you as a unique individual who was given the gift of life to live out with purpose and accomplishment. When you change your focus to that of the unending value God sees in you, people’s responses will not change your feeling of value. That does not mean that you still choose poor friendships — just the opposite. Because you realize your value, you choose friendships that affirm or acknowledge that value and your emotions are less deeply affected by the passing person who does not show proper appreciation for your value.

So when is it time to change the friendship versus just making some adjustments?

If your answers at the beginning of this post were that the relationship is harmful more than half of the time, it is unlikely that the person values you enough to make major changes to his/her behavior or personality. You can try to discuss the situation, but you should do so with a trusted third party, such as a counselor or pastor, especially if you feel there is a chance of an extremely harmful response. Realize also that, if you feel there is a chance of an extreme response, that relationship is probably very unlikely to change. Discussing the possibility of saving the relationship with the help of a third party would be more for the purpose of helping you release the relationship, knowing you gave the person an honest, final chance to change.

If you now feel that your friend’s harmful behavior is more of a personality peculiarity, discussing the needed change can bring the benifical, desired changes. It should be done in a non-confrontational way in a pleasant setting. Let the friend know that you realize the hurt was probably not intentional; then explain how the behavior brings harm to you, whether emotionally, physically, or to your goals. Realize that a good person who cares for you may feel slightly hurt or embarrassed at having to discuss the situation, but a person who values you will always be willing the make changes to behavior that is harming your life and the friendship.

People who repeatedly allow themselves to be hurt or harmed by others, physically or emotionally, have difficulty setting boundaries. They bring a continual flow of harm into their lives due to not setting boundaries, or not making clear what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior mainly due to a fear of the other person’s response. They fear the other person’s anger or they even fear hurting the other person’s feelings. Often, the boundaryless person fears hurting the controlling person because of an “over-identification with loss.” He or she hasn’t dealt with their own personal losses, especially those caused by the harmful relationship, so there is an unrealistic, over-emotional response to the thought of hurting the other person. It is a tragic thing to see destruction rule throughout a person’s whole life when restoration and abundance is attainable — all because he or she fears boundary setting will hurt the other person’s feelings. In such cases, pain is a good thing!

First, realize that it is possible to hurt someone’s feelings by “doing what needs to be done” to be responsible with your gift of life.

I’ve referred before to the Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend when discussing relationship issues of this type. You do what you need to do to be responsible with the gift of your life though it may hurt the other person’s feelings. This is not a matter of being inconsiderate. You think through and evaluate how the boundary will likely hurt the other person’s feelings; that’s being empathetic and “taking into account” the other person’s feelings. But you still set the boundaries to stop the harm to your life; otherwise, you are being irresponsible to the gift of your own life. The other person will likely insult you, saying that you are cruel or unforgiving. To purposely hurt someone’s feelings without giving any consideration to the fact that the person will hurt would be wrong (Keep in mind this is exactly what the controlling person is doing when violating your boundaries.), but it is also wrong to not set the boundaries necessary for you to fulfill your God-given destiny with the precious gift of your own life!

In boundary setting, we must recognize there is a clear difference between hurt and harm!

Here is the most wonderfully wise example provided by Cloud and Townsend, pp. 93-94, of the difference between hurt and harm:

When a dentist drilled into your tooth to remove a cavity, did it hurt you? Yes. Did he harm you? No, he improved your health and life. Hurt and harm are different. Did the sugar that gave you the cavity hurt? No, it was enjoyable. Did the sugar harm you? Yes.

Things [such as boundary setting] can hurt a person but not harm them. It is actually good and healthy for the controlling person. On the other hand, things that feel good can be very harmful. (1)

In Scripture, Jesus refers to this as the broad and narrow gate to life principle. The broad gate is the easiest one to go through but it is always the path to sure destruction. You do not avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or anger. Setting boundaries is crucial to living a purpose-filled life.

No one likes to be made aware of their faults, but a wise person, a loving person learns from it.

Proverbs of the wise refer to this, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful (Pr. 27:6).” A friend will “wound” a person he or she loves or cares about when it is necessary for healing and restoration-just like the dentist. On the opposite side, the harmful person pretending that the “pleasantness” –  the easier route of allowing him or her to violate the boundaries of your life – should continue is just like deceitful kisses of an enemy; the seemingly pleasant actions truly hide the destructive purposes and results of those actions. God also urges that we “speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15).” For you to continue to allow the harm, to not to set boundaries and restore a daily, progressive pattern of wellness to your life is to not speak the truth, to not act in love. Avoiding the truth of the situation is possibly just as deceitful to yourself as the other person’s actions — as those “kisses of an enemy” are toward you.

Like a good dentist removing a cavity or a quality surgeon removing a cancer, pain can be a positive thing when it is a temporary step to a restored life!

Yes, pain can be good when it is a step in the process of your restoration. Keep in mind the temporary pain you cause the controlling person or yourself in the process is minute in contrast to the never-ending pain of a destructive, boundaryless life. I’m going to end with this quote from p. 95:“

We need to evaluate the pain our confrontation causes other people. We need to see how this hurt is helpful to others and sometimes the best thing we can do for them and the relationship. We need to evaluate the pain in a positive light.” (1)

(1) Boundaries: When to Say, “Yes,” When to Say, “No,” to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. ISBN # is 0-310-24745-4.

Do you appear to choose compatible dating and marriage relationships only to see them fall apart? Some basic points can ensure your compatibility in your long-term relationships.

I came across a link to a video feed (audio only also) of Bill’s Hybel’s talk on “5 Key Compatiblities to look for to guide you through the tricky process of finding a lifetime partner.” I’ve already shared it with a friend and he benefited immensely. Bill covers such incredibly practical yet easy-to-follow principles for determining your compatibility in a relationship that I wanted to share the basic points and link with you, our readership.

This is a brief summary of the 5 Key Compatibilities but I encourage you to watch/listen to the full talk (link below). You will not be disappointed!

1. Spiritual Intensity and Purpose – Do you seek after God with a similar level of passion? Are your spiritual life — purposes similar? Faith permeates a person’s being and has massive implications in their inner world, changes how they think, behave, love, how they spend spare time, etc. It is a person’s core identity and defines them.

2. Character – You must match equally with your commitment to the same level of character or you set yourself up to face a lifetime of trust-shattering incidents.

3. Emotional Health – There is a long complicated story to each person’s past which must be uncovered thoroughly before you can have any idea of who the other person is. Have each of your you’re your past pains been processed enough to be able to make forward progress in a relationship? If not, it is not the time to feel sorry for someone and try to rescue them.

4. Communication Ability – The extent to which two people can engage each other in truthful, gracious communication is the single greatest determiner of the health and sustainability of a relationship. Pay attention to each of your abilities to resolve arguments and differences. Are you both able to handle intense arguments properly?

5. Mutual Physical Attraction – Though dismissed as unnecessary in some fields of thought, it is an important element of a lifetime relationship. There should be a physical spark that flows through you when the other person enters the room, though this is not the most important element.

Bill Hybels is running a series called, “The 2010 Family.” This talk is the January 9/10 session in the media player list. Click here to go now.

Check back for an upcoming talk by one of our favorite relationship psychologists, often quoted on this site, Dr. Henry Cloud.

On February 6/7, Bill Hybers is having Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, as a guest speaker in “The 2010 Family” series. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” “Safe People” and will tackle your toughest questions on relationships with those you love. Use the above link to go back to the site around February 9th or so to hear the session by Dr. Cloud.

These sound like incompatible terms, but the reality is that healthy generosity will not leave you unhealthy and burned out because it is controlled by wisdom.

Generous people are often compulsive givers, quickly responding to the needs around them, even to their own detriment. It does not take too many years of a lifestyle of compulsive giving to leave one wondering why — when he (or she) has been such a good, caring person — he is struggling with exhaustion and resentment. Ever catch yourself wondering, “How can my life be so miserable and out of control when all I have done is spent my life helping people in need?” People with generous spirits often burn out due to not having healthy generosity. No, not all generosity is healthy; just as with every other area of your life, it must be controlled by wisdom.

A generous person who is also a religious person tends to be more readily trapped into a lifestyle of unhealthy, unwise giving.

As I have mentioned in prior posts, the life of a religious person that is unhappy and out of balance is often due to childhood teaching that is based on religious tradition rather than the truth of Scripture. Let’s look at a quote on giving that is frequently misunderstood due to religious tradition.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus. Phil. 2:3-5

This quote is used by religious tradition to promote a life of self abasement, or self neglect, when, in actuality, it is promoting a lifestyle of balance in the attitude of giving. First, it expresses the need for those who struggle with selfish ambition and pride to combat that unhealthy, imbalanced attitude by thinking better of others. The second sentence, used by religious tradition to make people feel guilty for taking care of their own needs, does not promote unhealthy giving that only looks to the interests of others. Look at the quote again, “Look not only to your own interests…”

The words “not only” mean 2 things are to be taking place — Yes, take care of your own interests (or needs), but remember to also take care of the needs of others. God does not say to only give to others’ needs and neglect your own interests; on the contrary, He says to take care of your own needs and the needs of others. It is significant that taking care of your own needs is mentioned first, as you cannot effectively take care of other people’s needs unless you first take care of your own so that you are a “whole” person.

To have a healthy, wise, and balanced lifestyle of giving, it is also important to remember that givers usually have difficulty discerning which situations are the other person’s actual needs.

A person who is a user/abuser tries to get out of his personal life responsibilities by promoting his irresponsibilities as needs. It is unwise and unhealthy for both people involved when a giving person takes care of situations that are the user’s personal responsibility. It enables the user to stay irresponsible and overloads and burns out the giver. If you need more information on these types of situations, use these links to read about it in detail.
Spiritual Guidelines to Stay Free From Abusive Relationships
Freedom Through Responsibility

Let’s look at one last quote that effectively describes healthy, wise, controlled giving.

For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have. Our desire is not that others might be relieved while you are hard pressed, but that there might be equality. At the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need. Then there will be equality. 2 Cor. 8:12-14

The easiest way to explain this quote is to again paraphrase. If you have a willingness to give, you are to give based on what you have, so that you are not hard pressed. If you are depleted of both energy and time, you are “hard pressed;” you need to rest and be refreshed so that you will again be able to give of what you have, i.e. time and energy. If someone keeps expecting you to pay their bills and it is causing you to be “hard pressed,” it is not healthy giving. The person’s need may be real, but you are not the one to be giving at this time. Get the person in touch with a charity organization, food pantry, church, etc. which has avenues available to help needy people.

Take a self inventory to determine the healthiness of your giving.

How happy, rested, and refreshed are you now-physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually? If you are exhausted, depleted, and struggling with resentment, it is time to step back and re-evaluate your giving. God doesn’t expect you to give until you are hard-pressed. He desires “equality” or balance in your life and relationships. Evaluate which areas of your life and relationships are unhealthy, out-of-control and causing you to be hard-pressed. Make the necessary changes so that you are refreshed and restored. Controlled giving is truly wise and healthy giving.