I came across a helpful article by fellow SelfGrowth.com author Laurie McAnaugh; here are some excerpts from it to help you overcome the negativity and enjoy your holiday experience. Use the links in the footnotes to read her full article.  (This is one of the classic holiday “help” articles– a good reminder for each of us each Christmas/New Year’s season.)

Ms. McAnaugh discusses that if holidays are emotionally draining to you rather than a time to enjoy remembrances of all you have to be thankful for, you may need to ask yourself the following questions:

-Why do I behave that way when I’m around certain members of my family?

-I don’t always like who I am when I am around that person.

-What is it about that person that they constantly say things that hurt my feelings?

-What is it about me that I allow that person to get under my skin?

If the holidays cause you to have the above thoughts, Ms. McAnaugh encourages you to ponder these questions:

-How would it feel to spend the holidays with each of your family members and still feel good about yourself, during and after the experience?

-How would it feel to imagine a solid bubble around yourself that protects you from any insult or negative words?

-How would it feel to believe so strongly in your positive contribution to the world that you simply have no need to react at all to anything anyone says or thinks about you?

This is a great quote from Laurie on having true power during your holiday interactions:

When we focus our energy on someone else’s choices…we let them affect us in ways that cause us frustration, guilt and defensiveness. If we could consider that this person is doing the best they can with the tools they have…and their choices are a reflection on them…it would remind us that how we react to others is a choice that only we can make. As much as we want to believe that controlling the actions of others would make our lives easier, in fact it’s really the other way around. Being in control of our own actions and most of all, reactions, is a characteristic of true power.

Rather than focusing on the words and actions of others, Ms. McAnaugh admonishes us to focus on what we can control—our own behavior and being who we want to be.

It should be noted, when interacting with others, it’s always necessary to take responsibility for our own behavior. Learning to step away from a situation to ask ourselves, “Is this who I want to be?…Am I acting out of guilt, jealousy or an unnecessary need to be understood by others?” When we step away to observe our own actions, it is…a time to own it, fix it and then move on. There’s nothing more powerful then saying, “That behavior and way of thinking is not in line with who I want to be. I know I can do better.”

Laurie concludes her article with the well stated point that when we decide that our own positive opinion of ourselves is the most important one, we are less affected by others’ opinions and can simply ignore others’ negativity.

Click Here to Read Laurie’s Full Article: Learning to Enjoy The Holidays No Matter Where You Are 
Laurie McAnaugh is the founder of Access Your Power and achieves her mission through teaching workshops, consulting privately with clients and presenting to groups nationwide.  Her website is http://www.choosetobepowerful.com

Generous people are often compulsive givers, quickly responding to the needs around them, even to their own detriment. It does not take too many years of a lifestyle of compulsive giving to leave one wondering why — when he (or she) has been such a good, caring person — he is struggling with exhaustion and resentment. Ever catch yourself wondering, “How can my life be so miserable and out of control when all I have done is spent my life helping people in need?” People with generous spirits often burn out due to not having healthy generosity. No, not all generosity is healthy; just as with every other area of your life, it must be controlled by wisdom.

A generous person who is also a religious person tends to be more readily trapped into a lifestyle of unhealthy, unwise giving.

As I have mentioned in prior posts, the life of a religious person that is unhappy and out of balance is often due to childhood teaching that is based on religious tradition rather than the truth of Scripture. Let’s look at a quote on giving that is frequently misunderstood due to religious tradition.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus. Phil. 2:3-5

This quote is used by religious tradition to promote a life of self abasement, or self neglect, when, in actuality, it is promoting a lifestyle of balance in the attitude of giving. First, it expresses the need for those who struggle with selfish ambition and pride to combat that unhealthy, imbalanced attitude by thinking better of others. The second sentence, used by religious tradition to make people feel guilty for taking care of their own needs, does not promote unhealthy giving that only looks to the interests of others. Look at the quote again, “Look not only to your own interests…”

The words “not only” mean 2 things are to be taking place — Yes, take care of your own interests (or needs), but remember to also take care of the needs of others. God does not say to only give to others’ needs and neglect your own interests; on the contrary, He says to take care of your own needs and the needs of others. It is significant that taking care of your own needs is mentioned first, as you cannot effectively take care of other people’s needs unless you first take care of your own so that you are a “whole” person.

To have a healthy, wise, and balanced lifestyle of giving, it is also important to remember that givers usually have difficulty discerning which situations are the other person’s actual needs.

A person who is a user/abuser tries to get out of his personal life responsibilities by promoting his irresponsibilities as needs. It is unwise and unhealthy for both people involved when a giving person takes care of situations that are the user’s personal responsibility. It enables the user to stay irresponsible and overloads and burns out the giver. If you need more information on these types of situations, use these links to read about it in detail.
Spiritual Guidelines to Stay Free From Abusive Relationships
Freedom Through Responsibility

Let’s look at one last quote that effectively describes healthy, wise, controlled giving.

For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have. Our desire is not that others might be relieved while you are hard pressed, but that there might be equality. At the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need. Then there will be equality. 2 Cor. 8:12-14

The easiest way to explain this quote is to again paraphrase. If you have a willingness to give, you are to give based on what you have, so that you are not hard pressed. If you are depleted of both energy and time, you are “hard pressed;” you need to rest and be refreshed so that you will again be able to give of what you have, i.e. time and energy. If someone keeps expecting you to pay their bills and it is causing you to be “hard pressed,” it is not healthy giving. The person’s need may be real, but you are not the one to be giving at this time. Get the person in touch with a charity organization, food pantry, church, etc. which has avenues available to help needy people.

Take a self inventory to determine the healthiness of your giving.

How happy, rested, and refreshed are you now-physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually? If you are exhausted, depleted, and struggling with resentment, it is time to step back and re-evaluate your giving. God doesn’t expect you to give until you are hard-pressed. He desires “equality” or balance in your life and relationships. Evaluate which areas of your life and relationships are unhealthy, out-of-control and causing you to be hard-pressed. Make the necessary changes so that you are refreshed and restored. Controlled giving is truly wise and healthy giving.

People who repeatedly allow themselves to be hurt or harmed by others, physically or emotionally, have difficulty setting boundaries. They bring a continual flow of harm into their lives due to not setting boundaries, or not making clear what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior mainly due to a fear of the other person’s response. They fear the other person’s anger or they even fear hurting the other person’s feelings. Often, the boundaryless person fears hurting the controlling person because of an “over-identification with loss.” He or she hasn’t dealt with their own personal losses, especially those caused by the harmful relationship, so there is an unrealistic, over-emotional response to the thought of hurting the other person. It is a tragic thing to see destruction rule throughout a person’s whole life when restoration and abundance is attainable — all because he or she fears boundary setting will hurt the other person’s feelings. In such cases, pain is a good thing!

First, realize that it is possible to hurt someone’s feelings by “doing what needs to be done” to be responsible with your gift of life.

I’ve referred before to the Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend when discussing relationship issues of this type. You do what you need to do to be responsible with the gift of your life though it may hurt the other person’s feelings. This is not a matter of being inconsiderate. You think through and evaluate how the boundary will likely hurt the other person’s feelings; that’s being empathetic and “taking into account” the other person’s feelings. But you still set the boundaries to stop the harm to your life; otherwise, you are being irresponsible to the gift of your own life. The other person will likely insult you, saying that you are cruel or unforgiving. To purposely hurt someone’s feelings without giving any consideration to the fact that the person will hurt would be wrong (Keep in mind this is exactly what the controlling person is doing when violating your boundaries.), but it is also wrong to not set the boundaries necessary for you to fulfill your God-given destiny with the precious gift of your own life!

In boundary setting, we must recognize there is a clear difference between hurt and harm!

Here is the most wonderfully wise example provided by Cloud and Townsend, pp. 93-94, of the difference between hurt and harm:

When a dentist drilled into your tooth to remove a cavity, did it hurt you? Yes. Did he harm you? No, he improved your health and life. Hurt and harm are different. Did the sugar that gave you the cavity hurt? No, it was enjoyable. Did the sugar harm you? Yes.

Things [such as boundary setting] can hurt a person but not harm them. It is actually good and healthy for the controlling person. On the other hand, things that feel good can be very harmful. (1)

In Scripture, Jesus refers to this as the broad and narrow gate to life principle. The broad gate is the easiest one to go through but it is always the path to sure destruction. You do not avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or anger. Setting boundaries is crucial to living a purpose-filled life.

No one likes to be made aware of their faults, but a wise person, a loving person learns from it.

Proverbs of the wise refer to this, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful (Pr. 27:6).” A friend will “wound” a person he or she loves or cares about when it is necessary for healing and restoration-just like the dentist. On the opposite side, the harmful person pretending that the “pleasantness” –  the easier route of allowing him or her to violate the boundaries of your life – should continue is just like deceitful kisses of an enemy; the seemingly pleasant actions truly hide the destructive purposes and results of those actions. God also urges that we “speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15).” For you to continue to allow the harm, to not to set boundaries and restore a daily, progressive pattern of wellness to your life is to not speak the truth, to not act in love. Avoiding the truth of the situation is possibly just as deceitful to yourself as the other person’s actions — as those “kisses of an enemy” are toward you.

Like a good dentist removing a cavity or a quality surgeon removing a cancer, pain can be a positive thing when it is a temporary step to a restored life!

Yes, pain can be good when it is a step in the process of your restoration. Keep in mind the temporary pain you cause the controlling person or yourself in the process is minute in contrast to the never-ending pain of a destructive, boundaryless life. I’m going to end with this quote from p. 95:“

We need to evaluate the pain our confrontation causes other people. We need to see how this hurt is helpful to others and sometimes the best thing we can do for them and the relationship. We need to evaluate the pain in a positive light.” (1)

(1) Boundaries: When to Say, “Yes,” When to Say, “No,” to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. ISBN # is 0-310-24745-4.

Do you appear to choose compatible dating and marriage relationships only to see them fall apart? Some basic points can ensure your compatibility in your long-term relationships.

I came across a link to a video feed (audio only also) of Bill’s Hybel’s talk on “5 Key Compatiblities to look for to guide you through the tricky process of finding a lifetime partner.” I’ve already shared it with a friend and he benefited immensely. Bill covers such incredibly practical yet easy-to-follow principles for determining your compatibility in a relationship that I wanted to share the basic points and link with you, our readership.

This is a brief summary of the 5 Key Compatibilities but I encourage you to watch/listen to the full talk (link below). You will not be disappointed!

1. Spiritual Intensity and Purpose – Do you seek after God with a similar level of passion? Are your spiritual life — purposes similar? Faith permeates a person’s being and has massive implications in their inner world, changes how they think, behave, love, how they spend spare time, etc. It is a person’s core identity and defines them.

2. Character – You must match equally with your commitment to the same level of character or you set yourself up to face a lifetime of trust-shattering incidents.

3. Emotional Health – There is a long complicated story to each person’s past which must be uncovered thoroughly before you can have any idea of who the other person is. Have each of your you’re your past pains been processed enough to be able to make forward progress in a relationship? If not, it is not the time to feel sorry for someone and try to rescue them.

4. Communication Ability – The extent to which two people can engage each other in truthful, gracious communication is the single greatest determiner of the health and sustainability of a relationship. Pay attention to each of your abilities to resolve arguments and differences. Are you both able to handle intense arguments properly?

5. Mutual Physical Attraction – Though dismissed as unnecessary in some fields of thought, it is an important element of a lifetime relationship. There should be a physical spark that flows through you when the other person enters the room, though this is not the most important element.

Bill Hybels is running a series called, “The 2010 Family.” This talk is the January 9/10 session in the media player list. Click here to go now.

Check back for an upcoming talk by one of our favorite relationship psychologists, often quoted on this site, Dr. Henry Cloud.

On February 6/7, Bill Hybers is having Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, as a guest speaker in “The 2010 Family” series. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” “Safe People” and will tackle your toughest questions on relationships with those you love. Use the above link to go back to the site around February 9th or so to hear the session by Dr. Cloud.

These sound like incompatible terms, but the reality is that healthy generosity will not leave you unhealthy and burned out because it is controlled by wisdom.

Generous people are often compulsive givers, quickly responding to the needs around them, even to their own detriment. It does not take too many years of a lifestyle of compulsive giving to leave one wondering why — when he (or she) has been such a good, caring person — he is struggling with exhaustion and resentment. Ever catch yourself wondering, “How can my life be so miserable and out of control when all I have done is spent my life helping people in need?” People with generous spirits often burn out due to not having healthy generosity. No, not all generosity is healthy; just as with every other area of your life, it must be controlled by wisdom.

A generous person who is also a religious person tends to be more readily trapped into a lifestyle of unhealthy, unwise giving.

As I have mentioned in prior posts, the life of a religious person that is unhappy and out of balance is often due to childhood teaching that is based on religious tradition rather than the truth of Scripture. Let’s look at a quote on giving that is frequently misunderstood due to religious tradition.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus. Phil. 2:3-5

This quote is used by religious tradition to promote a life of self abasement, or self neglect, when, in actuality, it is promoting a lifestyle of balance in the attitude of giving. First, it expresses the need for those who struggle with selfish ambition and pride to combat that unhealthy, imbalanced attitude by thinking better of others. The second sentence, used by religious tradition to make people feel guilty for taking care of their own needs, does not promote unhealthy giving that only looks to the interests of others. Look at the quote again, “Look not only to your own interests…”

The words “not only” mean 2 things are to be taking place — Yes, take care of your own interests (or needs), but remember to also take care of the needs of others. God does not say to only give to others’ needs and neglect your own interests; on the contrary, He says to take care of your own needs and the needs of others. It is significant that taking care of your own needs is mentioned first, as you cannot effectively take care of other people’s needs unless you first take care of your own so that you are a “whole” person.

To have a healthy, wise, and balanced lifestyle of giving, it is also important to remember that givers usually have difficulty discerning which situations are the other person’s actual needs.

A person who is a user/abuser tries to get out of his personal life responsibilities by promoting his irresponsibilities as needs. It is unwise and unhealthy for both people involved when a giving person takes care of situations that are the user’s personal responsibility. It enables the user to stay irresponsible and overloads and burns out the giver. If you need more information on these types of situations, use these links to read about it in detail.
Spiritual Guidelines to Stay Free From Abusive Relationships
Freedom Through Responsibility

Let’s look at one last quote that effectively describes healthy, wise, controlled giving.

For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have. Our desire is not that others might be relieved while you are hard pressed, but that there might be equality. At the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need. Then there will be equality. 2 Cor. 8:12-14

The easiest way to explain this quote is to again paraphrase. If you have a willingness to give, you are to give based on what you have, so that you are not hard pressed. If you are depleted of both energy and time, you are “hard pressed;” you need to rest and be refreshed so that you will again be able to give of what you have, i.e. time and energy. If someone keeps expecting you to pay their bills and it is causing you to be “hard pressed,” it is not healthy giving. The person’s need may be real, but you are not the one to be giving at this time. Get the person in touch with a charity organization, food pantry, church, etc. which has avenues available to help needy people.

Take a self inventory to determine the healthiness of your giving.

How happy, rested, and refreshed are you now-physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually? If you are exhausted, depleted, and struggling with resentment, it is time to step back and re-evaluate your giving. God doesn’t expect you to give until you are hard-pressed. He desires “equality” or balance in your life and relationships. Evaluate which areas of your life and relationships are unhealthy, out-of-control and causing you to be hard-pressed. Make the necessary changes so that you are refreshed and restored. Controlled giving is truly wise and healthy giving.

Table of contents for Freeing Yourself from Abusive Relationships

1. Practical Steps to Free Yourself
2. Spiritual Guidelines to Stay Free

Reading Level: Gratifying

Those in abusive relationships frequently live in a state of confusion and hopelessness or blaming God for not helping them because they are unable to identify why continual destruction takes place in their lives.

Unfortunately, one is usually unaware of how his daily choices, lack of boundaries, and violating of spiritual and natural laws open the doors for harm to repeatedly come to him. Today I want to help you identify areas of your life that may be “opening the door” to harm in your circumstances and relationships. If you can begin seeing where you are violating spiritual boundaries or guidelines that God set up for your own protection, you can avoid the pitfalls, protect your life, and fulfill your destiny.

A person who continually faces destruction in his life often feels that he is being loving “like God” by giving in to controlling people and not having boundaries to protect his life and destiny.

This person often becomes bitter and blames God for the hardships he or she is suffering, but it is not God that has caused these things. God is not just “loving,” He IS Iove itself. There is a difference. He is perfect love and His perfect love includes boundaries, natural and spiritual laws, correction, and justice for the sake of our protection and well-being. To have real love and beneficial results in one’s daily life and relationships, you must implement God’s type of love, a real love that has boundaries and protection built into it.

A person would not blame God for self-imposed harm that came to someone who chose to violate the laws of nature. Yet, whether or not you implement spiritual laws for daily relationships is also a decision to avoid or cause self-imposed harm.

Here is an illustration. If someone chooses to violate the natural law of gravity by jumping off a skyscraper and bringing destruction to his or her physical body, you would not blame God for the result of their choice. God did not do it to them. The person chose to violate a natural law and it resulted in personal harm. God lists in Scripture many practical, daily guidelines (I’m going to call them spiritual laws as compared to laws of nature), which are given to help us be wise in our relationships with people, particularly those who are controlling or potentially harmful to us. People often violate these laws for one of three reasons:

–A lack of knowledge. They have never received instruction on the subject.

–They know about them but mistakenly feel that compromise is a loving choice because it is what the controlling person wants them to do.

–The person is so worn out by surrounding themselves with “leech” type people instead of giving people that they do not have the strength to fight for their personal rights, well-being, and fulfillment of destiny.

By stating the following spiritual guidelines as what should be avoided, it will be easier for you to identify if you already have violations of these spiritual guidelines affecting your relationships with people, and make changes necessary to bring restoration to your life. My comments on the spiritual laws will be in brackets and italics.

Avoid Selfish People:
Jas. 3:16 For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. (NIV)

Avoid Strife-Causing People:
Jas. 3:16 For where envying and strife are, there is confusion, unrest, disharmony, and all sorts of evil and vile practices. (AMP) [Notice that self-seeking people and those who cause strife create an environment filled with evil and confusion. As a result, close associations with these type of people will bring destructive circumstances into your life and difficulty in making good decisions.]

Avoid Worrying and Those Who Create Worrisome Situations:
Mr. 4:18-20 Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. [Those whose actions consistently cause you worry and create worrisome situations in your life will also drain you of energy and make your life "unfruitful" or unproductive.]

Avoid Associations or Situations Devoid of Integrity:
Prov. 10:2 Treasures of wickedness profit nothing, but righteousness, moral and spiritual rectitude [goodness and integrity] in every area and relation, delivers from death. [Just as this proverb states that a person whose character contains goodness and integrity in every aspect and relationship of his or her lifestyle delivers from "death," so the opposite is also true. Close associations with those devoid of goodness and integrity in every aspect of their person and relationships will cause death {circumstances destructive to life} not only in their own lives, but in your life.]

Avoid Close Association with Foolish Speaking People:
Prov. 10:10 The lips of the foolish will lead to ruin but he who boldly reproves makes peace. [Speaking foolishly yourself or close association with someone who does results in unnecessary harm.]

Avoid Those who Refuse Correction:
Prov. 10:17 He who heeds instruction and correction is not only himself in the way of life but also is a way of life for others. And he who neglects or refuses reproof not only himself goes astray but also causes to err and is a path toward ruin for others. [Some people live a lifestyle of refusing to accept good instruction. Neither will they take responsibility for the fact that their poor choices are the source of their problems; someone else is always to blame. Notice that God instructs that such a person not only brings ruin on himself/herself, but also causes ruin to come to those around them.]

Avoid Speaking Death over Any Area of Life:
Prov. 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue. [Rather than speak about how bad a situation is, speak how it should be. Even with your physical health, the body responds to your words. When you say, "I am sick," you are commanding your body to be, or stay, ill. Instead, if you say, "I am recovering," you are telling your body to heal itself. Either way, your body responds to your words. According to this proverb, the positive or negative aspect of your words affect the entire outcome of your life, either positively or negatively. To read my post with the information on how your words affect the nerves in your brain, click here to read "Healing Words."]

Avoid “Bad Boy Syndrome” in Relationships:
Jn. 3:16, “For God so loved that He gave…” [God loves, so He gives. Seek relationships of God-like givers, not user/abusers. I have seen friends who choose loving, giving people to be their life-long friends, but always pick controllers, users, or abusers to be romantically involved with as a husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend. Realize that the good, giving-type people you know you need as friends must be the same type of people with whom you choose to have a life-long, intimate relationship.]

Avoid All Decisions Based on Fear and/or Withdrawal of Love:
[If you missed my post on how various fears in your personal relationships can cause poor decisions, click here to read "Motivation Check." ]

Avoid a Poverty Mindset:
Ps. 35:27 Shout for joy and be glad and say continually, “Let the Lord be magnified, who takes pleasure in the prosperity of me, His servant.” [Just as your words produce death or life, so do negative or positive thoughts. What you believe determines your frame of mind and whether you are able to receive good from people, as well as whether you are able to notice beneficial opportunities. God instructs us to continually speak out loud with a mindset of joy that God takes pleasure or delight in our lives prospering in all its facets.]

Avoid Leeches Financially, Spiritually , Emotionally, Time-wise, Sleep-wise, and Energy-wise:
Prov. 30:15 “The leech has two daughters. ‘Give! Give!’ they cry. “There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, ‘Enough!’” [This is an unusual proverb, but it means, if you allow it, there will be people in your life who are like "leeches;" no matter how much you give, they expect more of you and are never satisfied with the amount of your giving. Like a blood-sucking leech, such people will drain all of the life out of you-physically, financially, spiritually, etc.]

Avoid Condoning Violations of Spiritual Laws in Your Household:
2 Thes. 3:10 For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “If a man will not work, he shall not eat.”

Prov. 18:9 He who is loose and slack in his work is brother to him who is a destroyer and he who does not use his endeavors to heal himself is brother to him who commits suicide. [These 2 verses show that it is morally wrong, a violation of God's standards, for you to support someone who refuses to work even though they are able. This concept is further explained in the next quote.]

Gal. 6:2-5 Bear one another’s burdens… But let each man test his own work, and then he will take pride in himself. For each man will carry his own load. [The word, "burdens," refers to a boulder-type obstacle, something impossible for an individual to handle. It is a situation that needs outside assistance; still, realize that you as an individual cannot handle the other person's overwhelming problem on your own instead of them either. This shows it is not morally acceptable before God for the other person to expect you to solve his problems-or make a living for him. In the same context, verse 5 says, "for each one should carry his own load." "Load" in the original Greek means a difficulty which is comparable to a backpack. In other words, in God's view, every person is responsible for the problems he or she can "carry" or take care of himself or herself.]

Gal. 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. [Do not violate the spiritual law of sowing and reaping in a person's life. It will actually harm both you and the other person. If a person takes responsibility to plant corn, and fertilize, and water, he should "reap" or eat of the harvest--the results of his responsibility. If he was too lazy to plant the corn, or planted it and then gave up on his responsibilities to nurture it, he should "reap" what he did--nothing. When you take over and keep the irresponsible person from "reaping" the discomfort or financial lack from his actions, you cause him to stay irresponsible. God established both natural and spiritual laws of sowing and reaping to protect you from abuse, as well as to protect the irresponsible person from his own harmful tendencies. If he or she "reaps" continual discomfort or financial lack from their behavior, it becomes motivational for him or her to change.]

Avoid Self-Condemnation:
Rom. 8:1 There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus, who live not after the desires of the flesh but the desires of the Spirit. [Due to the weariness that comes from extended trying circumstances, everyone has an occasional day when, emotionally, they feel discouraged, hopeless, unable to be strong for other people, etc. You make a difficult situation even harder if you listen to the negatives voices in your mind which bring self­-condemnation for not staying perfectly hopeful and strong. I heard a great word of encouragement the other day from Joel Osteen. He said, "Even Jesus fell down under the weight of His cross. He fell on the way to His victory." In the Romans 8 quote, God says that He does not condemn the person who has received forgiveness and reconciliation to Him through Jesus; this means the voices of condemnation are never from God and need to be cast out of your thought-life.

Also, just as in any healthy relationship, if the other person realizes an offense and sincerely apologizes, you forgive and go on without harboring bitterness or repeatedly bringing up the offense. Since God desires to exist in a healthy relationship with each of us, when you ask forgiveness, He truly does forgive and forget. Realizing this fact, you must not allow your imagination to think that God is continuing to punish you through your circumstances; neither should you continue to beat yourself down with guilt.]

Avoid Leaving the Sheep Gate Open:
John 10:1-5 [In this passage, Jesus clearly says that there is to be a fence of protection with a protective gate and a watchman that opens it for "good pasture" but closes it to keep out the thief, lions, bears, all that harm His sheep. It is your responsibility to "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (Pr 4:23) Most everything harmful to your body, spirit, mind, emotions, destiny, finances, etc. starts with words and actions from other people that come into your mind and begin harming your thoughts and resulting choices. Not guarding yourself from such people's influence will result in harm to all the various aspects of your life, just as if a shepherd left the sheep gate open or without a watchman to guard it. You must be an efficient watchman over the gate to your life! You must keep the fence intact. God expects you to protect your life from harmful, controlling, abusive people. When you allow harm in and keep the beneficial out, you violate the spiritual law of the sheep gate. Harm will come in all areas of your life if you live a fenceless, gateless life toward people that harm you.]

Avoid Compromise of Righteousness:
Prov. 10:11 The mouth of the [uncompromisingly] righteous man is a well of life. [Not compromising what you know is good and right for you and your God-given destiny brings a fulfilling life. The opposite is also true and must be avoided. Compromising what you know to be wisdom or what you know are healthy spiritual laws will cut off the open doors and paths that lead to your destiny-- the fulfillment of your life purpose.]

Table of contents for Freeing Yourself from Abusive Relationships

1. Practical Steps to Free Yourself
2. Spiritual Guidelines to Stay Free

Reading Level: Gratifying

Have you ever wished for a plan of action to get out of the abusive relationships in your life?

There is a step by step plan in an exceptional article written by Dr. Joseph Carver, Psychologist, explaining how to free yourself from controlling people and/or abusive people. Dr. Carver says that most people fail trying to get out of abusive relationships because “they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources.” Dr. Carver is a reputable psychologist whose articles on Love and the Stockholm Syndrome and the article we will discuss in this post are used by counseling groups across the globe.

Dr. Carver says that there are 3 necessary stages in freeing yourself from abusive and controlling people: The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection. These are only brief, paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Carver’s article. Please use the link here or below to read his article in full so that you have all the practical steps, information, and confidence you need to free yourself and start over on a new healthy path to a life that fulfills the God-given destiny for your existence!

Stage 1: The Detachment

-The abuser will have caused you isolation by methods such as controlling the finances, modes of transportation, etc. Pay attention to methods the controller is using to isolate you from freedom and help.

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, and share less feelings. The goal is to lessen the abuser’s emotional attachment to you.

- Quietly contact your family and friends to determine who can provide a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc. [An added note, only contact those who will keep your plans absolutely confidential.]

- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options.

- Slowly remove your valuables from the home. You may lose some personal items.

- Stop arguing. Stop defending and explaining yourself. Express that you are too stressed or confused to know why you are doing anything anymore.

- Drop hints that you are burned out and confused about your life. The abuser never takes responsibility for problems in any relationship and will feel better about ending it if they can put blame on you.

- Don’t start another relationship. The controller will quickly find another victim and become attached if you “lay low.”

- When the abuser/controller questions your new behavior, continue to confess confusion about your life in as boring a manner as possible. This sets the foundation for getting out.

Stage 2: Ending the Relationship

Since the abuser or controller does not take personal responsibility and would respond with anger to any criticism, your new behavior described in the detachment must continue while ending the relationship.

- While continuing to act burned out and confused, Dr. Carver says to express that “I can’t feel anything for anybody and I want to end the relationship for your benefit. I’m not right for anyone at this point in my life.”

- If “The Loser” panics, and responds acts of appreciation, react to each with a boring word thanks. If you overreact or give in, you’ve lost control again.

- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don’t agree to options for negotiating. The controller will contact you as long as they feel they can manipulate you.

- Realize the abuser/controller will try to make you feel guilty for a large variety of things. Again, do not be moved. Respond in a boring manner.

- Do not waste time trying to explain your feelings. Your feelings are irrelevant to the abuser. Explaining gives more opportunity for him to cause guilt and manipulation.

- Don’t fall for sudden changes in behavior by the controller. You know how he or she is normally and they will always return to the abusive behavior.

- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of family/friends. You will need the assistance but keep it confidential from the abuser.

- Don’t use terms like “someday”, “maybe”, or “in the future” with the relationship. The controller will put more pressure on you. Dr. Carver gives the example of how a slot machine that gives a small winning keeps a person hopeful. Stay stern, stable, [and boring] about ending the relationship with no hope of reconciliation. If you waver at all, the abuser will continue pressure. If there is no “pay off,” he or she will move on.

Stage 3: Follow-up Protection

Remember that the abuser or controller never sees himself as having a problem. He or she may think you are going through a phase and contact you after the relationship is terminated.

- Never change your original position that it’s permanently over!

- Don’t agree to meetings to discuss old times. This is his or her way to upset you.

- Do not discuss any personal information about your new life or relationships. Only mention unimportant talk, as one would with any person on the phone that you don’t want to talk to. Say that his or her life and your life are both private.

- If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad “Loser”, provide only a status report, much like you’d provide to marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else.

- When the abuser or control says how difficult the breakup has been, share general thoughts only, such as, “Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. I’m sure we’ll eventually find someone that’s right for both of us.”

- Keep all contact short and sweet – the shorter the better. Always be “on your way out the door” or cooking something, etc. Wish the person well but again in a boring, emotionally detached manner. Gadgets that produces about twenty sounds – a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. – are a great way to keep the conversation short.

Each of us need relationships that provide us with life-long love and security.

This is an excerpt from Dr. Carver’s concluding remarks in his article. Again, please use the link below to read his full article.

In all of our relationships throughout life, we will meet a variety of individuals with many different personalities. Some are a joy to have in our lives and some provide us with life-long love and security. Others we meet pose some risk to us and our future due to their personality and attitudes. Continuing a relationship with “The Loser” will result in a relationship that involves intimidation, fear, angry outbursts, paranoid control, and a total loss of your self-esteem and self-confidence. If you have been involved in a long-term relationship with “The Loser”, after you successfully escape you may notice that you have sustained some psychological damage that will require professional repair. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counselors are available in your community to assist and guide you as you recover.

Please click here to read this excellent, life-saving article in full, Detaching from Controllers and Abusers, by Dr. Joseph Carver, Psychologist.

Checking the often un-noticed motivations for one’s decisions and actions can reveal the source of either success or failure.

I recently re-read an example on the source of motivations from Cloud and Townsend’s “Boundaries.” It refers to a man who was burned out physically and emotionally and came to see them for help. The man’s explanation for the source of his problem was “loving people too much.” The authors’ response to him was that it could not be love, as love would not cause him to end up in the negative situation he was in. It was discovered that the source of the problem was his un-noticed motivations.

Here is a list from “Boundaries” of types of unhealthy personal motivations for decisions and actions of which we are often unaware. I’ll provide a definition of each motivation.

Fear of a Loss of Love: If, during childhood, a person frequently experienced a withdrawal of love by a parent whenever that parent was displeased with him or her, it creates an emotional pattern or habit in adulthood to base decisions and actions of the fear of a losing people’s love. One acts or decides out of compulsion, not because it is an action or decision that is in his own best interest; he is compelled to do whatever the other person wants due to fear that, if the person is displeased or disappointed, they will no longer love him.

Fear of Others’ Anger: Because of past boundary violations which caused emotional hurts (people mistreating a person as a way to manipulate his or her behavior), a person can feel instant fear when another person shows anger, or when he is in a situation which he believes will cause the other person’s anger; as a result, he immediately decides a course of action to appease the person and avoid their anger, rather than doing what is best for him personally.

Fear of Loneliness: This is similar to a loss of love. A person with this motivation will give in to other people’s unreasonable or unhealthy demands because he is trying to win the other person’s approval; he fears that the other person will end the relationship and he will be alone if he does not continually give in to win their approval.

Guilt: A person’s decisions and actions can be motivated by guilt from the past. Rather than confessing the past to God and being free of the guilt, and admitting to himself that God will no longer hold the past against him, he makes decisions to compensate for past failures; instead, his past needs to be submitted to God for forgiveness and then left in the past. God counsels us in Phil.3:13 to “Forget what is behind and strain toward what is ahead.”

On the other hand, a person with an unhealthy guilt motivation can–instead of acting on past guilt–be easily manipulated into choices by other people who purposely attempt to make him feel guilty. The other person expresses their extreme displeasure at the possibility of him refusing their demand and adds to their complaint an explanation of how his refusing their demand will “harm” them. In reality, refusing to give in to the other person will not harm them, but the controller is skilled enough in their conversation to convince this person that it will do so and makes him give in because he is overcome by feelings of guilt that the choice he truly desires would “harm” them.

Fear of Losing the “Good Me”: God is love; being created in the image of God and being a reflection of the divine nature, each person has the need to exist in loving relationships. Sometimes a person is motivated by a misunderstanding that to be loving means he must always say, Yes” to others. This perspective causes his emotions to “lie” to him and believe that he is unloving when he says, “No.” He feels emotional pain as if he were not being the loving person he was created to be, losing the “Good Me.” Instead of being motivated by fear, to make healthy, wise decisions, a person must feel free to express and act on the concept that “I love you, but I do not want to do that.”

Payback: This person has people in his life who manipulate him into decisions by insisting that he has it better in life than they do and implying that he does not deserve to have a better life than them. Or, it could be a parent who insists that all they have done for him, the time and money invested into him, is a reason for him to give in to their demands. They insist that he “owes it to them” to give in to their demands, as opposed to the past help being given out of love with no strings attached. The person with this unhealthy motivation feels sorry for the other person, usually unworthy of any good in his life, and makes decisions based on such motivation.

Approval: A person who, during his childhood, had a parent (or other authority figure) whom often expressed displeasure at his behavior, withdrew their love during disagreements, or complained about the child being born, will continue to be motivated in adulthood, not only to please that parent, but any authority figure. Rather than basing decisions on his destiny, goals, and what is best for his present life and future, his decisions are based on the unhealthy motivation of winning other people’s approval at his own expense.

Overidentification with Others’ Loss: This motivation begins as a result of a person not dealing with the emotional hurts of his own disappointments and losses. As a result, he has an excessively emotional response to any other person’s loss. He will frequently act with unreasonable responses in an effort to “rescue” or fix the other person’s problem or loss. Additional harm comes to his life, however, by those who realize that they can manipulate his over-emotional response, and thus his decisions, by their expressions of disappointment, hurt, or loss. In reality, the other person’s hurt or loss may not even be as extensive or may be issues of their own choosing, but this person’s overidentification will invariable evoke such an overwhelmingly emotional reaction that his decisions are based more on emotion than what is best for him or the other person.

Rather than being motivated by unhealthy fears which lead to decisions of failure, a person needs to live by truly loving motivations which bring a state of freedom and positive results.

If your motivations are based on unhealthy fears, the results will be negative in your life-failures, exhaustion, unhappiness, etc. Remember the example of the man at the beginning of this post? Decisions and behavior based on love would not have brought the destructive results he was experiencing. Decisions based on love instead of fear bring results of healthy relationships and fulfillment of personal, God-given destiny. Cloud and Townsend have an incredible quote that sums up this entire concept of healthy motivations:

Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure. Let God work on the fears, resolve them, and create some healthy boundaries to guard the freedom you were called to.

List of unhealthy types of motivations and quote from pp. 91-92 of ” Boundaries: When to Say, ‘Yes,’ When to Say, ‘No,’ to Take Control of Your Life” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. ISBN # is 0-310-24745-4.

To some, this title sounds like an oxymoron-complete opposites-yet taking responsibility for your actions and decisions can actually set you free.

A large portion of the balance of our lives is dependent on what we are and are not responsible for. Becoming aware of where we have or have not drawn boundaries with our chosen responsibilities can bring some startling realizations as to the sources of needless stress, irritation, and resentments. Two recent situations drew my attention to this concept.

The initial way to Freedom through Responsibility is to be content with the decisions you make as to your level of responsibility.

The first situation that made me aware of this principle was taking place in my own life. I was feeling resentful and becoming quite negative about a particular organization with which we work at times that was not being well run by the leadership. I would probably have released my frustration by sitting down and giving them input on a few key things that were affecting their effectiveness, as I had knowledge in that area. However, this past month was so hectic that I chose not to invest my personal time into that situation, deciding the people could probably learn from their own mistakes. I realized this week, however, that I was not taking responsibility for my own decision. Since I had chosen not to take from my time the volume of time needed to give input to that organization’s leadership, I needed to be content with that decision to let them learn from their own mistakes, and choose not to be irritated by the lack of effectiveness of the present leadership.

People often clutter their lives with irritation and resentment either by (1) choosing to take on too many “extra curricular” responsibilities in what would otherwise be their free time and then resenting the people involved or (2) not choosing to be content with the boundaries they set. The first often happens with people in any type of rescue work or those with a co-dependent personality who feel they always need to be “rescuing” something or someone. The wise decision is to limit optional responsibilities to a level you will be happy with. If you are feeling irritated or resentful, you need to cut back with these optional responsibilities and then be happy with your decision. The other source of irritation and resentment is what I was experiencing, choosing not to be involved in someone else’s problem and then allowing myself to be irritated and resentful with the delays involved to more effectiveness in the organization while the people learn their lessons themselves. The first scenario is by far the most common.

The secondary way to Freedom through Responsibility is to be aware of which responsibilities in life are truly yours!

In one situation, a friend has lost his health and career due to taking on responsibilities of other family members that they should have done for themselves. At this point, he only sees that he was trying to be helpful. He feels that he has lost everything by doing what was right. He is suffering due to a false view of responsibility. You are responsible, first, to your gift of life, including your own health and purpose or career. As your primary focus is responsibility to yourself and life purpose, you will, first, free yourself from wastes of time and energy and, second, be a more valuable contributor to society as a whole because you are a healthy, balanced person who is fully living out his or her life purpose.

Taking on responsibilities that are not yours violates scriptural principles as well as your own purpose of existence.

I’ve mentioned in a previous blog the quote that many people use to justify taking on responsibilities that are not theirs or expecting others to take their responsibilities. Scripture says in Gal. 6:2, “Carry each other’s burdens.” People misinterpret that to mean any problem someone else does not want to deal with. First, the quote must be studied in the original language as it is rarely correctly translated into English, and, second, the quote must be taken in context. The word, “burdens” in 6:2 refers to a boulder-type obstacle, something impossible for an individual to handle. It is a situation that needs outside assistance; still, realize that you as an individual cannot handle the problem on your own instead of the person either, so this negates the other person’s excuse for you solving his problems. In the same context, verse 5 says, “for each one should carry his own load.” “Load” in the original Greek means a difficulty comparable to a backpack. In other words, before God every person is responsible for the problems he or she can carry himself or herself.

Two other quotes are important with regard to personal responsibility. In 2 Thes. 3:10, it says, “We gave you this rule: ‘If a man will not work, he shall not eat.’ ” The obvious point from this quote is that you should not be giving handouts to someone who refuses to be a productive member of society. A similar analogy to all of life’s responsibilities is that someone not willing to work or take care of his or her individual responsibilities should not be receiving from someone else’s work the benefits he would have received for doing the responsibilities himself. It may sound harsh, but it is not. It is a safety rule set up by God for both people’s lives-the person prone to take and the person prone to give. To add someone else’s responsibilities to your own and thereby give them the results of your labor, “eating” in the above passage, is to violate another spiritual law-that of sowing and reaping. Gal. 6:7 states, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” It is an analogy to farming. If a person takes responsibility to plant corn, and fertilize, and water, he should “reap” or eat of the harvest-the results of his responsibility. If he was too lazy to plant the corn, or planted it and then gave up on his responsibilities, he should “reap” what he planted-nothing.

The law of sowing and reaping is a God-given personal safety law.

If you continue to take on the responsibilities of the irresponsible person, and then giving them the results of your work, you put yourself on a path to self-destruction as well as enabling the irresponsible person’s self-destruction. Why? Because if he/she would have continued to reap “nothing” from their irresponsibility, the consequences of going without their needs met would eventually have become motivational to change and become a productive part of society. Lastly, there is the point of your own purpose of existence; you are violating your gift of life by putting time and energy into responsibilities that are not yours when those time and energies should be going into your God-given life goals and leading a fulfilling life, an abundant life (Jn.10:10).

Free yourself today by responsibility. Free yourself from exhaustion, unfulfillment, and resentment by only being responsible for the life duties that are yours. Free yourself to enjoy good health, happiness, and fulfillment by being aware of the responsibilities which are truly yours. Free yourself from irritation and frustration by being content with your choice of responsibilities. Acting upon your own life’s real responsibilities will leave you happy, healthy, and allow you to fulfill your God-given life purpose.

Table of contents for Abusive Relationship Help

1. Abusive Relationships: What if You Still Love Them?
2. Abusive Relationships: Situations-Symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome
3. Abusive Relationships: How Friends and Family Can Help

This is Part 3 in the series. If you missed Part 1 and 2, please click the above links to read first.

Dr. Carver states that Stockholm Syndrome develops involuntarily-the victim does not purposely develop these feelings and responses. They are done to survive a threatening and controlling environment and relationship.

The victim’s self-worth and emotional health is so tied to the relationship that they believe that they would mentally collapse if the relationship ended. The more dysfunctional the situation, the more dysfunctional the victim’s adaptation to survive and make the relationship work. When the victim reaches the point of realizing that the relationship doesn’t work and can’t be fixed, they will need to loving support of family and friends to return to a healthy, positive lifestyle.

While each situation is different, Dr. Carver provides these guidelines for friends and family:

-Your contacts with your loved one may be met with anger and resentment. This is because each contact may prompt the abuser to attack them verbally or emotionally.

-It’s often best to establish predictable, scheduled contacts. Calling every Wednesday evening, just for a status report or to go over current events, is less threatening than random calls during the week. Random calls are always viewed as “checking up on us” calls. While you may encounter an answering machine, leave a polite and loving message.

-Remember that there are many channels of communication. It’s important that we keep a channel open if at all possible. Communication channels might include phone calls, letters, cards, and e-mail.

-Importantly, don’t discuss the relationship (the controller may be listening!) unless the victim brings it up.

-The goal of these scheduled calls is to maintain contact, remind your loved one that you are always there to help, and to quietly remind the controller that family and loved ones of the victim are nearby and haven’t disappeared.

-The victim needs to know and feel they are not rejected because of their behavior. They know they are being treated badly and/or controlled by their partner. Frequent reminders of this will only make them want less contact. We naturally avoid people who remind us of things or situations that are emotionally painful.

-Victims may slightly open the door and provide information about their relationship or hint they may be considering leaving. When the door opens, don’t jump through with the Marines behind you! Listen and simply offer support such as “You know your family is behind any decision you need to make and at any time you make it.”

-Try to remain calm and await an opportunity to show your love and support when your loved one needs it. As relatives or friends of a victim involved with a controller or abuser, our normal reaction is to consider dramatic action. We become angry, resentful, and aggressive at times. Any aggression toward the controller/abuser will result in additional difficulties for your loved one.

Click Here to Read the Full Article by Psychologist, Dr. Joseph Carver, Love and the Stockholm Syndrome.