Table of contents for From Rejection to Self Esteem

1. From Rejection to Self Esteem Part 1
2. From Rejection to Self Esteem Part 2

In rejection recovery, realize that negative thoughts cannot be changed without replacing them with positive ones.

This is Part 2 of a 2 part post.  If you missed Part 1, please use the series link above to read it first as Part 1 covers the two initial steps for recovering from rejection.

To overcome the negativity that is overrunning your thought life as a result of the rejection, you must actively make yourself think on thoughts that will move you forward to the productive life you should be living. There are 3 main ways to replace thoughts of rejection.

1. Base your value on God’s value of you. With all the beauty that exists in creation, with all the billions of people, God still loves you and considers you precious and honored in His sight (Is. 43:4). Scripture describes that God saw your unformed body before you were born, already knew all the days of your life before it began, and that His thoughts of you outnumber the grains of sand–because He thinks so often about you. (Ps. 139:15-18) Throughout the up’s and down’s of life, it is essential that you base your value of yourself on the value God sees in you. This is the only way your value of yourself can remain constant. It cannot be based on people because people come and go in our lives, even if it is by death. Your value cannot be based on your career or other abilities because, one day, you will no longer be able to do those things.

2. Be your own cheerleader. This is a self-help tip that I’ve heard Joel Osteen say many times and it is worth repeating. Every day, get up in the morning and be your own cheerleader. Say good things about yourself to yourself! Speak to yourself about God’s value of you. Throughout the day, remind yourself of your value and your abilities. And, it doesn’t hurt to aim high. It is like the Law of Attraction. You speak those positive things to yourself even if you are not there yet so that you will eventually develop those qualities. Here is a sample list that I compiled from a couple of Joel’s broadcasts:

-I have unprecedented favor today.
-I have new opportunities for my career and personal life.
-God is in love with me.
-People like me.
-I am talented.
-I am creative.
-I am strong.
-I have excellence and determination.
-Whatever I do prospers and succeeds.

You can add to that list accomplishments which you desire that have not taken place yet, speaking them in present tense. Such as, “I have many loving people in my life. I am free from debt. I’m taking my dream vacation, etc.” As in the Law of Attraction, speaking positively to yourself about things that you desire to accomplish will make you more creative and more aware of opportunities to help you fulfill those goals.

3. Think repeatedly throughout day about those who do love you. Most of us have several people in our lives whom we value and who value us, even though it may be at varying levels of love. Even if you are temporarily in a stage where you think the only person who values you is your pet, think throughout the day about those who do love you or care about your well-being.

Move forward.

The past is never worth staying in. It is time to move forward. In addition to ways we’ve already mentioned, move forward by taking time in your schedule for people who do love or care about you. Maybe the person who rejected you was a former friend in whom you had invested a great deal of time. Move forward by spending time with those positive relationships that may have been neglected while you were focused on that other person, such as relatives, other friends, or even co-workers. Also move forward by accomplishing a project around the house or online course you put off doing due to time constraints from the past relationship. Or, do something for yourself you have always wanted to do, such as a certain vacation.

Finally, always encourage yourself with God’s unfailing, unchanging love for you.

People’s love may change, people may move in and out of your life, or they may reject you and never even give themselves the opportunity to get to know you. God, however, will never reject you. He says in John 6:37, “The person who comes to me I will never reject.” In James 4:8, He promises, “Come near to Me and I will come near to you.” In other words, God will be responsive to your desire to know Him and have a close relationship with Him. You can trust Him! His love for you will not fail you! “I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever (Ps. 52:8).”

(1) Click here to read the article on Determining Your Destiny which lists Creflo’s 8 steps to direct the course of your life to your goals and restoration.

Other Related Posts:
Handling the Fear of God’s Rejection

Hope for the Betrayed Heart

Table of contents for From Rejection to Self Esteem

1. From Rejection to Self Esteem Part 1
2. From Rejection to Self Esteem Part 2

Rejection comes to each of us, but we can take steps to heal and move forward with the productive life we deserve and desire.

Many readers have asked for help in dealing with rejection from parents and other relationships. Whether rejection comes from a family member, friend, co-worker, or even a mere stranger, it leaves us with a wide variety of emotions, such as pain and guilt, and questions as to why someone would feel that way about us. Let’s cover several steps that help us to heal and move forward to a happier life.

First, don’t spend a great deal of time questioning why.

Unless the person broke off the relationship due to a major personality flaw on your part which they directly communicated to you as the cause of the rejection — and you already know you need to work on that aspect — quit questioning why. If there was no such communication on the offender’s part, speculation will not help you for the following reason. If the cause was a personality flaw on your part and they were not willing to communicate in such a way as to allow for healing and reconciliation in the relationship, the rejector is not presently, and may never be, in a mental/emotional state to have a long-term, healthy relationship. As it is, it is much more likely, since they were unwilling to communicate in a way as to provide for reconciliation, that the major emotional issues are on their part.

Second, quit being too hard on yourself.

If you are aware of certain mistakes you made that contributed to the rejection, you can always work on changing those behaviors, even getting profession help if needed. However, you must be realistic in accessing your failures. Usually a person who is suffering from rejection is too hard on him or herself, taking more than their share of the blame. Full blame in a relationship failure is never solely due to one person, even if it is something such as the lack of the other person being willing to communicate in such a way that adjustments in the relationship could have been made.

Similar to overcoming depression, you must replace incorrect, harmful thoughts with positive ones.  

Why? Because your thoughts will influence the direction of your life.  A book by Creflo Dollar describes the pattern of our lives very effectively. He describes it this way:

-Your thoughts, whether positive or negative, will create your emotions.
-Those emotions will then influence your decisions.
-Your decisions cause you to take action.
-Actions form habits or your lifestyle.
-Those habits determine your destiny — the final destination of your life.

You can follow the reference to read more about Creflo’s book. Realize now the absolute necessity of not allowing your thoughts of the rejection to continue. If you do, those thoughts  of rejection will produce self-defeating emotions and decisions, leading to destructive lifestyle habits. You will cause your destiny to be directed by a harmful person! Instead, you must choose to change your thoughts to beneficial ones that will direct you to the destiny you desire! (1)

This is Part 1 of a 2 part post.  In Part 2, we will cover several ways to replace thoughts of rejection as well as how to move forward with your life.

(1) Click here to read the article on Determining Your Destiny which lists Creflo’s 8 steps to direct the course of your life to your goals and restoration.

Criticism is similar to many other events in our lives in that we can choose both the extent to which it affects us, as well as the type of outcome it has upon us.

Most of us remember the old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Yet, many people carry hurt their entire lives as a result of critical words spoken to them during childhood. While there is some truth to the old saying, the error in it is that words can “never” hurt; yes, they can hurt if we are unaware of the fact that we can choose not to allow them to harm us. This is especially the case during childhood when we are supposed to be in a loving, nurturing environment in which we shouldn’t need to protect ourselves and, hence, haven’t learned how to do so. Once we begin growing and stepping out of our protected environment, we must learn to evaluate critical statements as to whether they have any value and use the situation as an opportunity for personal growth.

A reader asked specifically about dealing with unfounded criticism, so we will also cover that in the process of this post.

First of all, consider the source of the criticism and what you perceive the person’s intent to be.

Did the criticism come from someone that is usually a harmful person by nature? If that is the case, it is most likely something that needs to be discarded. Also, if the person is harmful by nature, realize that the hostility of the words they spoke also needs to be discarded from your thought life. Their words only have power over you if you continue to think on them. Whatever you think on will alter your emotions and influence your decisions. God describes it this way, “For as the thoughts of a person’s heart are, so is he (Prov. 23:7)” or so is the direction of his life. That is why God gives us 2 clear steps for dealing with harmful thoughts.

1. We bind, or stop immediately, harmful thoughts and put them out of our minds. “We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5).” People who are harmful by nature are counting on you continuing to think on their destructive words so that they can hurt you; it gives them a sense of power which, to their corrupted mind, brings pleasure. You, however, have authority and power over your thoughts, and thus the resulting emotions and decisions, so take captive those thoughts and put them out of your mind, freeing yourself from the harmful person’s influence.

2. When harmful thoughts are trying to re-surface in your mind, you cannot solely ignore them; you conquer them by replacing them. God’s second step to dealing harmful thoughts is “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable– if anything is excellent or praiseworthy– think about such things (Phil. 4:8).” You take control of your own thoughts. Do not give another person authority that is not theirs!

It is worth noting here that our perceptions of people and the purpose of their words are not always accurate. For example, if the hurtful criticism came from a friend or family member who is not usually a hurtful person, the remark may need to be dismissed due to the fact that they are speaking out of stress or illness; we all have bad days in which we speak more harshly than intended. If that is the case, forgive and forget just as you would want the person to do for you on a bad day. Or, if the criticism came from a person not normally hurtful, is it due to a prior hurt that you caused him or her and have not resolved? If so, take the needed hint and bring resolution to your valued relationship.

Second, look at the situation objectively, as if it were with someone else, and evaluate if there could be a slight element of truth in the criticism.

Whether or not the person is a harmful person by nature, for the sake of your own personal growth, it does not hurt to step back and evaluate if there is any bit of truth to the criticism. As people are rarely as effective communicators as they desire to be, many times overly critical words are spoken because frustration has built up in the individual due to a personality flaw of your own. If you have read the posts on controller and compliant personalities, this illustration will be clearer to you. For example, you may have repeatedly violated the other person’s boundaries by consistently being late for appointments or leaving responsibilities that are yours for them to do. If so, overly critical words may have resulted from frustration that you are causing, even if their words were not completely true.

I will speak a word of caution with this self-evaluation, however.  Remember, a compliant person is easily made to feel guilty by controlling people in regard to things the compliant person should not feel guilty for.  For example, a compliant person’s spouse may pound him or her with criticism for losing their temper, saying the relationship troubles are mainly the compliant’s fault.  First, no one is perfect.  No reason to beat one’s self up for a lack of perfection. Second, it is wrong for the compliant spouse to beat his or her self up for losing their temper when the actual source of the conflict was the controlling spouse  committing gross violations of the relationship with repeatedly destructive behavior. Anyone would, and actually should, become angry over consistent destructive behavior to the relationship.

Third, decide whether or not you have grown to the point of accepting positive criticism.

Though no one usually enjoys criticism, not all criticism is bad. Sometimes, the hurt we feel is not because the criticism is harmful, but because we have not grown to accept constructive criticism. For example, if the criticism came from a boss, yet you are feeling extremely hurt, it may be that you have not learned to accept even helpful criticism because your self-esteem is not well established. Though there are some bosses with issues, usually criticism on the job comes from people who have more experience on the job than you and are trying to catapult you to reach your potential. If you sense this is your situation, work on establishing your self-esteem or self-worth as well as taking captive the unrealistic thoughts that your boss doesn’t like you; make yourself focus on advancement. Click on Self Worth in the Tag Cloud in the right column for articles to help you with your self-esteem.

Last, whether or not the criticism was intentionally harmful, you can use it as an opportunity for personal growth.

The best way to explain this is to illustrate it with various examples.

• If you “wear you feelings on your shoulders” and are too easily hurt by people’s words, choose to use the situation to learn to take captive those thoughts and think on good thoughts; your emotions stay steady and your decisions be more effective.
• If you are in the habit of allowing people’s words to control you, such as with a person who is intentionally trying to harm you, again, use this opportunity to take captive those thoughts and think on good thoughts; then you will develop the habit of having authority over your own thoughts and not being manipulated by people’s words.
• If you take the opportunity to see if there are elements of truth in the criticism that are resulting from your personality flaws and adjust them, you will be a better person who is continually growing and has healthier relationships all around.
• If the criticism came from a person who is purposely harmful, using God’s 2 steps of dealing with harmful thoughts will bring you a great deal closer to living in a state of forgiveness, as your mind is not being manipulated by the negativity of their words.

You have authority over how people’s words affect your life.

Do not allow those who desire to harm you to manipulate your thoughts. Yet, do yourself a favor and take advantage of the opportunity to grow from criticism in areas of your life that you may have otherwise neglected.

I read a great post the other day by fellow SelfGrowth.com expert, Jaqui Duvall, on moving from self-criticism to positive self talk, along with the benefits of it and the how-to’s.  I’m going to give you a few highlights of her article here.  Please use this link or the link below to read Jaqui’s full article, “Proactively Start Your Day with Positive Self Talk.”

Though the old saying about sticks and stones says, “Words will never hurt me,” words do hurt; often, our own words hurt the most.

This is the premise for Jaqui’s article.  The words we speak to ourselves in our minds are often even more harsh and more harmful than the words of other people.  Interestingly enough, she has found that many of her clients admit that they are their own worst critic instead of their own best friend.

There is a common source for this type of inner, self criticism.  Psychologists say that it is directly linked to how we were talked to as children, that we “imitate the parenting we received inside our own heads, continuing the practice of praising, disciplining, etc.”  Any nurturing voice in one’s mind is usually drowned out by the critical ones.  If fear is involved, such as about finances and the economy, self criticism can quickly spiral out of control with negative inner monologues.

Deliberate, intentional action can change the inner critic to a nurturing, supportive role, leading one to positive outcomes. 

Jaqui says,

The good news is we can actually change our inner self-talk and we can change what comes out of our mouths. Catching the inner critic before it starts beating us up and shifting our words to nurturing, supportive direction, like a coach would give, can lead to more positive outcomes in our lives. Being conscious, deliberate and intentional about what we say and what we think takes raising awareness, making a choice and acting differently.

There are several specific suggestions Jaqui makes to break the self critic pattern:

1.  Observe Yourself – Pay attention to your inner talk, how you interpret situations, and what you are saying when no one is around to hear you.

2.  Journal Your Inner Talk – Re-reading the inner talk you’ve journaled helps you see more easily when thinking becomes distorted.

3.  Get an Unbiased Opinion – We cannot always be objective about ourselves; get input.  For example, when Jaqui had a lull in class attendance, an outside source essentially told her, “You can view this personally which will bring discouragement and be disempowering, or admit that people are being more cautious in this economy and use the extra time wisely.”

4.  Act Differently – You must go beyond noticing the inner criticism and follow through with new affirmations — out loud.  Speaking positively out loud is essential to establishing new patterns.

5.  Be Proactive, Not Reactive – If you allow self-critical thoughts to start, it is more difficult to change to a positive direction. Choose to be self-supportive first.

6.  Start the Morning with Positive Self Talk – Speak empowering affirmations first thing in the morning, which is a negative time for most people.

Following Jaqui’s advice can take you from the self-defeating habit of being a self-critic to developing a new positive pattern of self talk, creating better self-esteem and positive, empowering outcomes!

Jaqui Duvall is an author, life coach, and counselor.  Read her full article online here, Proactively Start Your Day with Positive Self Talk 

One’s level of abundance and wholeness in life is often determined by your own chosen responses.

One’s goal in life must be directed solely by what you know to be your God-given destiny, not by how other people respond to it. There is a incredible, thought-provoking poem said to have been on a wall in Mother Teresa’s orphanage, though the source is unknown. It aptly describes how one’s level of abundance and wholeness depend on your personal response and commitment to your goals or destiny regardless of people’s responses. These points are also key to personal growth and spiritual maturity. A brief biography of Mother Teresa follows the poem.

People are often unreasonable,
illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind,
people may accuse you
of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be Kind anyway.

If you are successful,
you will win some false friends and
some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
People may cheat you;
be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building,
someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,
it is between you and God.
It is never between you and them anyway.

For over forty five years Mother Teresa ministered to the poor, sick, orphaned, and dying, while guiding the Missionaries of Charity’s expansion, first throughout India and then in other countries. At the time of her death,it was operating 610 missions in 123 countries, including hospices and homes for people with HIV/AIDS, leprosy and tuberculosis, soup kitchens, children’s and family counseling programs, orphanages, and schools.

Rejection comes to each of us, but we can take steps to heal and move forward with the productive life we deserve and desire.

Many readers have asked for help in dealing with rejection from parents and other relationships. Whether rejection comes from a family member, friend, co-worker, or even a mere stranger, it leaves us with a wide variety of emotions, such as pain and guilt, and questions as to why would someone feel that way about us. Let’s cover several steps that help us to heal and move forward to a happier life.

First, don’t spend a great deal of time questioning why.

Unless the person broke the relationship due to a major personality flaw on your part which they directly communicated to you as the cause of the rejection–and you already know you need to work on that aspect–quit questioning why. If there was no such communication on the offender’s part, speculation will not help you for the following reason. If the cause was a personality flaw on your part and they were not willing to communicate in such as way as to allow for healing and reconciliation in the relationship, the offender is not presently, and may never be, in a mental/emotional state to have a long-term, healthy relationship. As it is, it is much more likely, since they were unwilling to communicate in a way as to provide for reconciliation, that the major emotional issues are on their part.

Second, quit being too hard on yourself.

If you are aware of certain mistakes you made that contributed to the rejection, you can always work on changing those behaviors, even getting profession help if needed. However, you must be realistic in accessing your failures. Usually a person who is suffering from rejection is too hard on him or herself, taking more than their share of the blame. Full blame in a relationship failure is never solely due to one person, even if it is something such as the lack of the other person being willing to communicate in such a way that adjustments in the relationship could have been made.

Similar to overcoming depression, you must replace incorrect, harmful thoughts with positive ones.

Why? Because your thoughts will influence the direction of your life. I referred to a book before by Creflo Dollar which describes the pattern of our lives very effectively. He describes it this way.

-Your thoughts, whether positive or negative, will create your emotions.
-Those emotions will then influence your decisions.
-Your decisions cause you to take action.
-Actions form habits or your lifestyle.
-Those habits determine your destiny-the final destination of your life.

You can follow the reference to read more about Creflo’s book. Realize now the absolute necessity of not allowing your thoughts of the rejection to continue. If you do, those thoughts will produce self-defeating emotions and decisions, leading to destructive lifestyle habits. You will cause your destiny to be directed by a harmful person! Instead, you must choose to change your thoughts to beneficial ones that will direct you to the destiny you desire! (1)

Fourth, realize that negative thoughts cannot be changed without replacing them with positive ones.

To overcome the negativity that is overrunning your thought life as a result of the rejection, you must actively make yourself think on thoughts that will move you forward to the productive life you should be living. There are 3 main ways to replace thoughts of rejection.

1. Base your value on God’s value of you. With all the beauty that exists in creation, with all the billions of people, God still loves you and considers you precious and honored in His sight (Is. 43:4). Scripture describes that God saw your unformed body before you were born, already knew all the days of your life before it began, and that His thoughts of you outnumber the grains of sand-because He thinks so often about you. (Ps. 139:15-18) Throughout the up’s and down’s of life, it is essential that you base your value of yourself on the value God sees in you. This is the only way your value of yourself can remain constant. It cannot be based on people because people come and go in our lives, even if it is by death. Your value cannot be based on your career or other abilities because, one day, you will no longer be able to do those things.

2. Be your own cheerleader. This is a self-help tip that I’ve heard Joel Osteen say many times and it is worth repeating. Every day, get up in the morning and be your own cheerleader. Say good things about yourself to yourself! Speak to yourself about God’s value of you. Throughout the day, remind yourself of your value and your abilities. And, it doesn’t hurt to aim high. It is like the Law of Attraction. You speak those positive things to yourself even if you are not there yet so that you will eventually develop those qualities. Here is a sample list that I compiled from a couple of Joel’s broadcasts:

-I have unprecedented favor today.
-I have new opportunities for my career and personal life.
-God is in love with me.
-People like me.
-I am talented.
-I am creative.
-I am strong.
-I have excellence and determination.
-Whatever I do prospers and succeeds.

You can add to that list accomplishments which you desire that have not taken place yet, speaking them in present tense. Such as, “I have many loving people in my life. I am free from debt. I’m taking my dream vacation, etc.” As in the Law of Attraction, speaking positively to yourself about things that you desire to accomplish will make you more creative and more aware of opportunities to help you fulfill those goals.

3. Think repeatedly throughout day about those who do love you. Most of us have several people in our lives whom we value and who value us, even though it may be at varying levels of love. Even if you are temporarily in a stage where you think the only person who values you is your pet, think throughout the day about those who do love you or who care about your well-being.

Move forward.

The past is never worth staying in. It is time to move forward. In addition to ways we’ve already mentioned, move forward by taking time in your schedule for people who do love or care about you. Maybe the person who rejected you was a former friend in whom you had invested a great deal of time. Move forward by spending time with those positive relationships that may have been neglected while you were focused on that other person, such as relatives, other friends, or even co-workers. Also move forward by accomplishing a project around the house or online course you have put off doing due to time constraints from the past relationship. Or, do something for yourself you have always wanted to do, such as a certain vacation.

Finally, always encourage yourself with God’s unfailing, unchanging love for you.

People’s love may change, people may move in and out of your life, or they may reject you and never even give themselves the opportunity to get to know you. God, however, will never reject you. He says in John 6:37, “The person who comes to me I will never reject.” In James 4:8, He promises, “Come near to Me and I will come near to you.” In other words, God will be responsive to your desire to know Him and have a close relationship with Him. You can trust Him! His love for you will not fail you! “I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever (Ps. 52:8).”

(1) Click here to read the article on Determining Your Destiny which lists Creflo’s 8 steps to direct the course of your life to your goals and restoration.

Other Related Posts:
Handling the Fear of God’s Rejection

Hope for the Betrayed Heart

Whether a criticism is intended to be harmful or helpful, you can still choose to be in control of how it affects you.

Criticism is similar to many other events in our lives in that we can choose both the extent to which it affects us, as well as the type of outcome it has upon us. Most of us remember the old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Yet, many people carry hurt their entire lives as a result of critical words spoken to them during childhood. While there is some truth to the old saying, the error in it is that words can “never” hurt; yes, they can hurt if we are unaware of the fact that we can choose not to allow them to harm us. This is especially the case during childhood when we are supposed to be in a loving, nurturing environment in which we shouldn’t need to protect ourselves and, hence, haven’t learned how to do so. Once we begin growing and stepping out of our protected environment, we must learn to evaluate critical statements as to whether they have any value and use the situation as an opportunity for personal growth.

A reader asked specifically about dealing with unfounded criticism, so we will also cover that in the process of this post.

First of all, consider the source of the criticism and what you perceive the person’s intent to be.

Did the criticism come from someone that is usually a harmful person by nature? If that is the case, it is most likely something that needs to be discarded. Also, if the person is harmful by nature, realize that the hostility of the words they spoke also needs to be discarded from your thought life. Their words only have power over you if you continue to think on them. Whatever you think on will alter your emotions and influence your decisions. God describes it this way, “For as the thoughts of a person’s heart are, so is he (Prov. 23:7)” or so is the direction of his life. That is why God gives us 2 clear steps for dealing with harmful thoughts.

1. We bind, or stop immediately, harmful thoughts and put them out of our minds. “We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5).” People who are harmful by nature are counting on you continuing to think on their destructive words so that they can hurt you; it gives them a sense of power which, to their corrupted mind, brings pleasure. You, however, have authority and power over your thoughts, and thus the resulting emotions and decisions, so take captive those thoughts and put them out of your mind, freeing yourself from the harmful person’s influence.

2. When harmful thoughts are trying to re-surface in your mind, you cannot solely cast them out; you conquer them by replacing them. God’s second step to dealing harmful thoughts is “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable– if anything is excellent or praiseworthy– think about such things (Phil. 4:8).” You take control of your own thoughts. Do not give another person authority that is not theirs!

It is worth noting here that our perceptions of people and the purpose of their words are not always accurate. For example, if the hurtful criticism came from a friend or family member who is not usually a hurtful person, the remark may need to be dismissed due to the fact that they are speaking out of stress or illness; we all have bad days in which we speak more harshly than intended. If that is the case, forgive and forget just as you would want the person to do for you on a bad day. Or, if the criticism came from a person not normally hurtful, is it due to a prior hurt that you caused him or her and have not resolved? If so, take the needed hint and bring resolution to your valued relationship.

Second, look at the situation objectively, as if it were with someone else, and evaluate if there could be a slight element of truth in the criticism.

Whether or not the person is a harmful person by nature, for the sake of your own personal growth, it does not hurt to step back and evaluate if there is any bit of truth to the criticism. As people are rarely as effective communicators as they desire to be, many times overly critical words are spoken because frustration has built up in the individual due to a personality flaw of your own. If you have read the posts on controller and compliant personalities, this illustration will be clearer to you. For example, you may have repeatedly violated the other person’s boundaries by consistently being late for appointments or leaving responsibilities that are yours for them to do. If so, overly critical words may have resulted from frustration that you are causing, even if their words were not completely true.

I will speak a word of caution with this self-evaluation, however. I recently spoke with a person who is a compliant and overly critical of himself. Remember, compliant’s are easily made to feel guilty by controlling people for things they should not feel guilty for. This person’s spouse was pounding him with criticism for losing his temper, making him feel like the lack of the relationship’s success was mainly his fault. I had to remind him that he needed to compare apples with apples, not apples with sewage. No one is perfect; he was beating himself up emotionally for losing his temper when the cause of him losing his temper was that his spouse was consistently committing gross violations of the relationship by majorly destructive behavior. Anyone would, and actually should, become angry over consistent destructive behavior to the relationship.

Third, decide whether or not you have grown to the point of accepting positive criticism.

Though no one usually enjoys criticism, not all criticism is bad. Sometimes, the hurt we feel is not because the criticism is harmful, but because we have not grown to accept constructive criticism. For example, if the criticism came from a boss, yet you are feeling extremely hurt, it may be that you have not learned to accept even helpful criticism because your self-esteem is not well established. Though there are some bosses with issues, usually criticism on the job comes from people who have more experience on the job than you and are trying to catapult you to reach your potential. If you sense this is your situation, work on establishing your self-esteem or self-worth as well as taking captive the unrealistic thoughts that your boss doesn’t like you; make yourself focus on advancement. Click on Self Worth in the Tag Cloud in the right column for articles to help you with your self-esteem.

Last, whether or not the criticism was intentionally harmful, you can use it as an opportunity for personal growth.

The best way to explain this is to illustrate it with various examples.

• If you “wear you feelings on your shoulders” and are too easily hurt by people’s words, choose to use the situation to learn to take captive those thoughts and think on good thoughts so your emotions stay steady and your decisions are more effective.
• If you are in the habit of allowing people’s words to control you, such as with a person who is intentionally trying to harm you, again, use this opportunity to take captive those thoughts and think on good thoughts so that you will develop the habit of having authority over your own thoughts and not being manipulated by people’s words.
• If you take the opportunity to see if there are elements of truth in the criticism that are resulting from your personality flaws and adjust them, you will be a better person who is continually growing and has healthier relationships all around.
• If the criticism came from a person who is purposely harmful, using God’s 2 steps of dealing with harmful thoughts will bring you a great deal closer to living in a state of forgiveness, as your mind is not being manipulated by the negativity of their words.

You have authority over how people’s words affect your life. Do not allow those who desire to harm you to manipulate your thoughts. Yet, do yourself a favor and take advantage of the opportunity to grow from criticism in areas of your life that you may have otherwise neglected.

I have never been one for being interested in “TV preachers.” However, I have in the recent months developed a good deal of respect for Joel Osteen, pastor of the US’s largest church, with over 30,000 in attendance. Two things I appreciate. First, his preaching is atypical. Second, he is the only pastor I have ever heard that speaks every message, even ones on hardship, failure, correction, etc. in a positive manner. It is an obvious gifting. Surprisingly, or maybe not, he consistently draws a great deal of criticism for being positive. I heard part of an interview with him once where he spoke of all the criticism he had received for not being like his dad (now deceased), a former pastor and healing evangelist. Joel believes his personal calling in life is to give a message of hope and encouragement to the world; I respect that he chose to go against the grain, to be himself, and follow his bliss.

In a message called, “Don’t Allow Criticism to Steal Your Dream,” the following quote released healing for me.

“Your destiny is not tied to what other people say about you. It does not change what God has put in your heart. Let God take care of those who hurt you. Stay focused on the future. Don’t let hurt become the central focus of your life.”

Though his examples, if I recall, were of people who allowed certain hurts to totally destroy them with bitterness or defeat, I realized how much a recent hurt had become the central focus of my life. It was repeatedly coming to my mind throughout the day. The moment the thought came, I could feel it deplete energy from my body. It was diminishing my ability to focus on my work, not to mention stealing the level of joy at which I usually function. I had to take control of this hurt. Though it was not a typical life-altering crisis–there were some of those last year–it had still become the center focus of my life without my realizing it. I had to re-focus on my destiny. I have always been a dreamer, a visionary. I had to re-focus on the joy that is mine because I am a person of destiny! I know there are divine plans for my life that will not be altered just because others don’t believe in them.

You are alive! You are a person of destiny! If there is a hurt that is staying the central focus of every day, draining the energy and focus from your life, re-focus today on the dreams and visions that you know are yours! Focus on the truth you know in your heart!

(The message referred to above is video #337 at www.joelosteen.com . You can push the scroll bar about half way through to get past the music to the 30 minute sermon.)