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Have you ever wished for a plan of action to get out of the abusive relationships in your life?

There is a step by step plan in an exceptional article written by Dr. Joseph Carver, Psychologist, explaining how to free yourself from controlling people and/or abusive people. Dr. Carver says that most people fail trying to get out of abusive relationships because “they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources.” Dr. Carver is a reputable psychologist whose articles on Love and the Stockholm Syndrome and the article we will discuss in this post are used by counseling groups across the globe.

Dr. Carver says that there are 3 necessary stages in freeing yourself from abusive and controlling people: The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection. These are only brief, paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Carver’s article. Please use the link here or below to read his article in full so that you have all the practical steps, information, and confidence you need to free yourself and start over on a new healthy path to a life that fulfills the God-given destiny for your existence!

Stage 1: The Detachment

-The abuser will have caused you isolation by methods such as controlling the finances, modes of transportation, etc. Pay attention to methods the controller is using to isolate you from freedom and help.

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, and share less feelings. The goal is to lessen the abuser’s emotional attachment to you.

- Quietly contact your family and friends to determine who can provide a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc. [An added note, only contact those who will keep your plans absolutely confidential.]

- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options.

- Slowly remove your valuables from the home. You may lose some personal items.

- Stop arguing. Stop defending and explaining yourself. Express that you are too stressed or confused to know why you are doing anything anymore. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Leisurely

Visualization or creating a mental image of your dreams is an effective technique for reaching your goals.

The terms may vary at different points in history, but visualization is a healthy, effective concept that has been used for achieving one’s personal destiny for 1000′s of years. Whether you call it dreaming, vision casting, or the current term of visualization, creating mental images of your dreams and goals is a technique emphasized now by life coaches and other career experts. Sites such as VisionBoardSite.com provide you your own space, music, images, etc. to help you visualize goals and keep focused (Link in right column Blogroll and banner at end of the post.).

I came across a quote this week by Pablo Picasso, “Everything you can imagine is real.”

I thought it was very fitting to this concept. What you imagine, dream, or visualize may not be tangible (where you can touch it or see it) at the present moment, but imagining or visualizing can make that dream tangible. Jesus spoke a similar concept in Mk. 11:23,

I most certainly tell you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and cast into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is happening; he will have whatever he says. (WEB)

Notice two things: Jesus said this is “absolutely” a true concept when He said, “I most certainly tell you…” and second, if a person believes that what he is saying is actually happening, such as moving a mountain, he would definitely be visualizing it before saying something with such an extreme level of belief. He would have to be seeing it as already done in his mind to speak it and believe it done with such confidence. Jesus said the result is then that you will have what you have said.

Visualization is often associated with the philosophy of the Law of Attraction, yet most people are unaware that it is a scriptural principle that was personally recommended by God to Abram.

Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

This is Part 3 in the series. If you missed Part 1 and 2, please click the above links to read first.

Dr. Carver states that Stockholm Syndrome develops involuntarily-the victim does not purposely develop these feelings and responses. They are done to survive a threatening and controlling environment and relationship.

The victim’s self-worth and emotional health is so tied to the relationship that they believe that they would mentally collapse if the relationship ended. The more dysfunctional the situation, the more dysfunctional the victim’s adaptation to survive and make the relationship work. When the victim reaches the point of realizing that the relationship doesn’t work and can’t be fixed, they will need to loving support of family and friends to return to a healthy, positive lifestyle.

While each situation is different, Dr. Carver provides these guidelines for friends and family:

-Your contacts with your loved one may be met with anger and resentment. This is because each contact may prompt the abuser to attack them verbally or emotionally.

-It’s often best to establish predictable, scheduled contacts. Calling every Wednesday evening, just for a status report or to go over current events, is less threatening than random calls during the week. Random calls are always viewed as “checking up on us” calls. While you may encounter an answering machine, leave a polite and loving message.

-Remember that there are many channels of communication. It’s important that we keep a channel open if at all possible. Communication channels might include phone calls, letters, cards, and e-mail.

-Importantly, don’t discuss the relationship (the controller may be listening!) unless the victim brings it up. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

A reader asked about how to move beyond an abusive relationship when you still feel love for that person.

This is actually a common feeling from people in abusive, or even just very controlling relationships. A prominent pastor’s wife in Atlanta filed for divorce when a relationship involving much emotional abuse evolved into a physical attack. She said that she still felt love toward him but decided to “take her love with her and leave” for her own welfare. A loved one of ours, after having decided some time ago to leave an abusive relationship is now feeling that he loves the other person in spite of the fact that his health, career, and family life have all been destroyed by the other person.

An initial step is to realize the difference between love and concern.

A friend in a bad relationship once had another friend tell him, “You care about her well-being, but it doesn’t sound like you really love her.” There is a major difference between love and concern. It is unlikely that you will feel completely devoid of concern over the person’s well being if you have shared a major part of your life or major events in your life with him or her. However, concern over his or her well being is not proof of the existence of a loving relationship.

People in emotionally or physically abusive situations often suffer from Stockholm syndrome, not just people in hostage situations.

In Stockholm Syndrome, the person in an abusive or controlling situation begins to experience a psychological response of defending the “captor” and showing loyalty to the abuser. (1) Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Leisurely

I have mentioned the Law of Attraction several times, as it is a secular philosophy built on scriptural principles, that has become very popular again in recent years. It involves speaking out the good that you need to see take place in your life, visualizing it, believing that it will come in to existence, and, through this focus, changing your thought patterns so that you (1) develop good, creative decisions which make you successful and (2) become aware of helpful connections and opportunities that you would have missed if you had not changed the focus of your thinking.

I came across a brief, but thorough article by Rhonda Jones which clearly describes how the Law of Attraction is scripturally based and how to effectively implement it. A link to the full article is below and is well worth reading.

Here are excerpts of her 6 steps to attract restoration and success:

Ask - The first step is deciding what it is you want from God. You need to create specific goals for your life. Be specific about what you desire by creating a vision chart or writing down your specific request…

Believe – You must believe that you have already received what you asked for. I’m talking about faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for that evidence of things not seen. Your faith is not in yourself or your own abilities. The scriptures tell us to have faith in God. That is where the power lies… Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Leisurely

Are you your own worst enemy? Are you sure? What do you believe that your life is destined for?

When you envision your present situation and then the rest of your life, what do you see? Do you see a life of continual lack, illness, struggle, and disappointments? Or instead, do you envision that you are destined for a good life, an effective, satisfying life? There is an old saying, “Be careful what you wish for.” Why do people say that? Because there is great power to your thoughts just as there is in your words. People who believe that they are destined for a satisfying, effective life are more aware of the right opportunities when they present themselves. Such people Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Leisurely

Most of us get in the typical morning rush. We wake up in such a rush to get in to the office that the word “morning” does not even create a pleasant mental picture.

I’ve often read that successful people are “morning people.” That is characteristically true for several reasons. Part of which is that most successful people do not do the typical morning rush scenario. They get up early enough to have alone time, unrushed, to meditate, think, and envision the day and their future goals. The unrushed morning actually brings healing to their lives. Why?

This type of “healing morning” develops more creative thinking, a sense of peace instead of life being out of one’s control, and allows for help and direction from a person greater than yourself, from the One who planned each day of your life before it ever existed in the physical realm (Ps. 139:15,16).

If you’ve never thought you could hear God’s voice in your spirit, a search of the term “voice” in Scripture shows numerous references to the “voice of the Lord.” More specifically, Jesus said that those who seek God know His voice and follow it (Jn. 10:27). You can make significant progress in the healing of your life by Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Leisurely

In the process of researching to build this website, I came across a blog by Susan Hanshaw which I enjoy reading. Her work is always uplifting; one is always a better person for reading it. Her January 14, 2008 blog is called, “How to Consciously Create Your Day.” She lists some quotes from a video by Dr. Joe Dispenza. Here is a small portion:

“I wake up in the morning, and I consciously create my day the way I want it to happen. Now, sometimes, because my mind is examining all the things that I need to get done, it takes me a little bit to settle down, and get to the point, of where I’m actually intentionally creating my day. But here’s the thing. When I create my day, and out of nowhere, little things happen that are so unexplainable Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Impassioned

Growing in one’s understanding of God’s love–the way it actually is, not the incompassionate or unforgiving myth that many of us were raised to believe–opens the door to many types of healing.

As you read through various of my posts, you will become aware that this one of the recurring themes. For example, growing in the understanding of God’s love for you removes fears of His rejection or punishment, opening the door to receiving His love, comfort, and forgiveness, i.e. emotional healing. This in turn allows us to forgive ourselves–more emotional healing. The process sets off a chain reaction because the removal of our fears and forgiveness of ourselves with the unnecessary guilt that carries then allows a release of negative emotions and energies which both created illnesses and aggravated existing ones, i.e. physical healing.

The quote that got me started on this personal search for new revelations of God’s love was this one:
That you may have power to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Leisurely

I have never been one for being interested in “TV preachers.” However, I have in the recent months developed a good deal of respect for Joel Osteen, pastor of the US’s largest church, with over 30,000 in attendance. Two things I appreciate. First, his preaching is atypical. Second, he is the only pastor I have ever heard that speaks every message, even ones on hardship, failure, correction, etc. in a positive manner. It is an obvious gifting. Surprisingly, or maybe not, he consistently draws a great deal of criticism for being positive. I heard part of an interview with him once where he spoke of all the criticism he had received for not being like his dad (now deceased), a former pastor and healing evangelist. Joel believes his personal calling in life is to give a message of hope and encouragement to the world; I respect that he chose to go against the grain, to be himself, and follow his bliss.

In a message called, “Don’t Allow Criticism to Steal Your Dream,” the following quote released healing for me.

“Your destiny is not tied to what other people say about you. It does not change what God has put in your heart. Let God take care of those who hurt you. Stay focused on the future. Don’t let hurt become the central focus of your life.”

Though his examples, if I recall, were of people who allowed certain hurts to totally destroy them with bitterness or defeat, I realized how much a recent hurt had become the central focus of my life. It was repeatedly coming to my mind throughout the day. The moment the thought came, I could feel it deplete energy from my body. It was diminishing my ability to focus on my work, not to mention stealing the level of joy at which I usually function. I had to take control of this hurt. Though it was not a typical life-altering crisis–there were some of those last year–it had still become the center focus of my life without my realizing it. I had to re-focus on my destiny. I have always been a dreamer, a visionary. I had to re-focus on the joy that is mine because I am a person of destiny! I know there are divine plans for my life that will not be altered just because others don’t believe in them.

You are alive! You are a person of destiny! If there is a hurt that is staying the central focus of every day, draining the energy and focus from your life, re-focus today on the dreams and visions that you know are yours! Focus on the truth you know in your heart!

(The message referred to above is video #337 at www.joelosteen.com . You can push the scroll bar about half way through to get past the music to the 30 minute sermon.)