Fellow SelfGrowth.com expert, Cassandra Lee– speaker, coach, and author– posted an article describing her personal technique of dealing with resentment and anger.  I wanted to share a few excerpts from the article with you as well as give you a link to the full article.

Ms. Lee describes the need to analyze your actions, discover the source, and confront the issue at hand for resolution.

In her article, Ms. Lee describes a situation with a friend that caused her anger and resentment.  The friend was unaware that his actions created these negatives, but in Ms. Lee’s mind, the situation grew until, when she saw him 2 days later, she treated him so coldly that they did not speak to each other for a month.  This is a quote about her technique to deal with resentment and anger:

“Squash and Release” is a technique that allows me to discover the REAL issue at hand; analyze my actions that may have caused the issue to arise; and confront the issue through discussion, apology or whatever steps necessary for me to squash my anger and release my resentment.”

In a self-evaluation, Ms. Lee asked her self these questions:

-Had I done anything to cause the issue?

-Did my attitude make the situation worse?

-Was he really being insensitive?

-Was I overreacting?

Once Ms. Lee decided that she had overacted and strained the relationship due to not feeling secure in her friend’s concern over her well-being, she explained, apologized, and healed the friendship.  The situation did not recur because her friend now knew to respond in a way that made her feel secure and she made sure not to make assumptions.

Here is a summary of the 3 steps in Ms. Lee’s Squash and Release Technique:

 • Identify the issue… behind your emotions; determine actions or situations that have caused you discomfort…

• Assess the problem: analyze your actions; make sure you have not done anything to contribute to the problem; be prepared to apologize and change your behavior,

• Confront the conflict: take the necessary actions… schedule a private moment to address the person that is frustrating you or the right time to handle the conflict head on.

Though Ms. Lee prefers face-to-face resolution, she says that you can work through methods you are comfortable with such as calls, letters, or cards, as long as you deal with the situation head on instead of being overwhelmed by negative energy.

Click here to read Ms. Lee’s full article.

Use these links to read my earlier articles on resentment and anger:

Resentment and Anger Management

Anger and Its Residual Effects

Resentment in Your Significant Other

Emotional Healing Parallels Physical Healing

Table of contents for Relationship Issues Q&A

1. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 1
2. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 2

Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, one of my favorite authors, recently appeared as a guest speaker in “The 2010 Family.”series by Bill Hybel. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” and “Safe People.”

This is a continuation of a 2 part post. If you missed Part 1, use the above series link.

These are paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s question and answer session on some of life’s toughest relationship questions. Please use the link below to watch or listen to the full video or audio. The insights will greatly benefit yourself, your friends, and family.

5. With regard to blended families and step families, how can a parent continue a close relationship with a child who is living with the other re-married parent and both parental roles are already being fulfilled in the child’s life?

This is a painful scenario and there is no way to go through this without feeling some loss. However, the first important step is to remove from your thoughts the concept of “either/or” because you are both in the child’s life. You don’t have control of when you are not there, but you do have 100% control of the relationship you have when you are together with your child. First, if you are nurturing, warm, and positive and do great stuff together, yet have requirements and expectations that he live by your rules, even if the other parent is a non-structure type, kids deep down eventually gravitate toward structure. You will face fights and some “prodigal son” moments, but continue to be the best person you can be in regards to loving and discipline. The child will develop an attachment to you based on that.

The second important point is don’t poison the other relationship with the step parent or the one with your ex. You want the child to have as many positive relationships as possible.

Third, have a transcendent desire, one that transcends any wounds, and can come together to work on what is best for the kids. It is so easy to get caught up in rehashing old hurts and wants. You can still come together, agreeing that “These are our issues. We will never get along on these points, otherwise we would still be married.” Then carve out a space where you can come together solely to work on what is best for the children.

6. What is your advice for a couple whose interests are so different that they never spend any time together?

Something is wrong if you only spend time pursuing your own personal tastes/interests. There are vital things in life that we all should be interested in, unless we are living a life only to ourselves, an ego-centric life that does not transcend our own interests. You and your spouse should be involved in some universal interests, like reaching out to the poor or extended family, doing activities with your kids, community service involvement, spiritual activities at the church. So, first find universal things to be involved in that have nothing to do with person tastes.

Second, move past your own interests to the interests of others [in your mindset and lifestyle]. Cross the fence and become of student of your spouse’s heart, mind, soul, strengths, and passions. [Dr. Cloud then gave the example of a man who hated art but loved going to his wife’s art exhibits because he realized he was able to see another part of her, a part of her life’s passion and talents that he could not see otherwise; it was another part of her person that he could fall in love with as he immersed himself in watching her in her element.

7. As a clinical psychologist, what are some of the key elements to get right with our families?

If you do the most important one, most of the others will fall into place. Go back to the original design of how God designed marriage to work. The formula God gave of leaving parents, cleaving to your spouse, and becoming one [Gen.2:24] contains life-changing dynamics.

The leaving must take first before the cleaving. When a person doesn’t do the “leave” part, it is because of not wanting to stand up to the parent’s control issues–wanting [the grown child] to stay forever or wanting intrusion rights– or because [the grown child] is still in a dependency relationship with the parent emotionally, financially or desiring approval. The Hebrew word for leave is brutal; it means utterly forsake. This does not mean to abandon your parents, because we are supposed to have intergenerational ties and relationships. However, what you forsake is that child role from your family of origin; be an adult and now cleave to your spouse.

The next step in the formula is two whole people become one. The oneness is created by two whole people coming together. Here is the typical problem, though; if you are not a complete person as an adult, if you are a half person looking for another half person to make a whole, ½ x ½ = ¼! When we bring brokenness into brokenness, we get reduced to less of a person than we were to begin with and we just want out so that the pain will stop.

To make a relationship work, the key is that both spouses must be on a path to become whole, mature, complete people. It does not mean perfect people, but that you’ve worked out the stuff so [when a crisis occurs], you don’t whine like a two year old; you get up and solve the problem. Men need to be in groups of men who will give them the support they did not get from their families of origin, and the same with women, see your [counselor] or whatever you have to do so that both people are becoming whole persons and then establish a family, and pass that wholeness on. This is the best thing you can do.

Last , you’ve got to have a strategic plan for your family and do it with intention. The rule of life is that the urgent will always crowd out the vital. Carve out purposeful times that are going to be reserved for you, and for the support groups. We also have a family meeting every week where we talk about “What can we do better this week? What do we want you to do better this week? What do you want us to do better this week?” We are working on things and we’re growing together. When you do that, if you are getting good information and you are growing, you are going to succeed.

To make full use of the vital information Dr. Cloud has provided, please use this link to watch the video or audio. Click “2010 Family” on the play list. Dr. Cloud’s session is the February 6/7 session in the play list.

Table of contents for Relationship Issues Q&A

1. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 1
2. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 2

Bill Hybels is running a series called, “The 2010 Family.”

Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, one of my favorite authors and one frequently quoted on this site, appeared as a guest speaker in “The 2010 Family” series. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” and “Safe People.”

Here are some paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s question and answer session on some of life’s toughest relationship questions. We’ll do this in a 2 part post.  Please use the link below to watch or listen to the full video or audio.

1. Where do you draw the line between tough love and unconditional love?

There is a problem with this term of “drawing the line.” When we look at God’s personality, His expectations are done in ways that are perfectly loving and honest so He never has to “draw the line” due to having gone too far down an enabling, co-dependent road. With parents, too often we have let the child go too long down a path without consequences until it is at a point where harm will come to them if he (or she does) not get control of himself. It should never get to this point, but if it does, it should be done in a loving way.

As for child discipline, in this culture people often say, “Don’t say ‘No’ to your child; give them choices.” As an adult, one runs into ‘No’s,’ with speed limits, job requirements, etc. Our job as parents is to arrange situations in a way that when they make good decisions then good things happen and when they make bad decisions bad things happen. The goal is to transfer self control to the child. They should grow to the point of being in charge of themselves and feeling, “Oh, I better do it this way so something uncomfortable does not happen.” …we must take a stance that requires them to step into maturity so they are in control and we can finally delegate that job to them.

2. How do you address character issues in marriage? How do you let a spouse know you want more from a relationship without making them feel like a bad spouse?

In response to the first part of the question, most problems are the same in every marriage whether or not it is a good marriage, unless something strange is going on. It is how it is handled that makes the difference. Research shows that you can predict divorce in couples by 90% accuracy if couples (1) are judgmental, critical in giving feedback to each other instead of problem solving and (2) if they have a lot of contempt for the spouse.

To answer the second part of the questions, the best way to talk without making the other person feel bad is to talk about what you both want in the relationship that is positive. Express how their behavior is affecting what you both want…By talking about how the behavior’s negatively affecting what you both want out of the relationship, you are not saying they are a bad person but that the situations are negatively affecting what is important to them. If you’ve been unable to make these changes on your own [as a couple], you should probably talk to a counselor or pastor, too.

3. How do I balance time between work, family, friends, hobbies, etc?

Technology has created more difficulties in this area. Before, work had walls and time boundaries. Now we bring it home. If “life” is not protected, than life will not happen. [Dr. Cloud has a book on this topic, “The One Life Solution.”] A main quote of mine is “Follow the misery and make a rule.”

It is similar to God’s rule for the Sabbath, that there should be a protected, designated time, sometime during the week, for rest. Studies show that your brain needs downtime to grow new neuro-pathways. Couples need to talk about “Where is this not working for us?” and set some boundaries, protect your relationships. Examples, no work at home or no work email at home, set weekly date night with no kids, set weekly family meeting. If you do not put the vital things of life into protective structures, something will always get in the way.

4. How can one trust again after having experienced repeated unfaithful spouses?

First, this is one of the most painful experiences a person can go through. But if you have consistently had this experience, before marrying again, you may want to check your “people picker.” Bad people do “happen” to good people, but sometimes we make it easier for it to happen with our blind spots. Go through a good divorce recovery and see why you choose self-absorbed or unfaithful spouses and why you don’t recognize it earlier on in the relationship. We sometimes come into marriage lacking wholeness. We may have parts of us that are inaccessible to bring into the relationship or we do not have the skills to handle hurts that happen. Marriage needs to be a place to bring all of yourself. When you are hurt, you are able to bring that hurt and resolve it instead of take it someplace else. Or, when your needs are not being met, you also show up with your conflict resolution skills and work it out…When you get something immature from your spouse, don’t be overcome by that. Do not let them regress you..if you don’t have that in you, get a support group so that you can take health into the relationship. (Use the link below to hear Dr. Cloud input on if you want to restore a relationship broken by unfaithfulness.)

We will continue with more paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s relationship question and answer session in Part 2 of this post. Again, please use this link to watch the video or use the audio. It is the February 6/7 session in the play list.

If you missed Bill’s Hybel’s talk on “5 Key Compatiblities” to look for to guide you through easy-to-follow principles for determining your compatibility in a relationship, be sure to read it for your own benefit and that of your friends and family. Good information for everyone! This talk is the January 9/10 session in the media player list (2nd from the bottom). Click here to go now. Click the + sign to open the 2010 Family play list.

Do you appear to choose compatible dating and marriage relationships only to see them fall apart? Some basic points can ensure your compatibility in your long-term relationships.

I came across a link to a video feed (audio only also) of Bill’s Hybel’s talk on “5 Key Compatiblities to look for to guide you through the tricky process of finding a lifetime partner.” I’ve already shared it with a friend and he benefited immensely. Bill covers such incredibly practical yet easy-to-follow principles for determining your compatibility in a relationship that I wanted to share the basic points and link with you, our readership.

This is a brief summary of the 5 Key Compatibilities but I encourage you to watch/listen to the full talk (link below). You will not be disappointed!

1. Spiritual Intensity and Purpose – Do you seek after God with a similar level of passion? Are your spiritual life — purposes similar? Faith permeates a person’s being and has massive implications in their inner world, changes how they think, behave, love, how they spend spare time, etc. It is a person’s core identity and defines them.

2. Character – You must match equally with your commitment to the same level of character or you set yourself up to face a lifetime of trust-shattering incidents.

3. Emotional Health – There is a long complicated story to each person’s past which must be uncovered thoroughly before you can have any idea of who the other person is. Have each of your you’re your past pains been processed enough to be able to make forward progress in a relationship? If not, it is not the time to feel sorry for someone and try to rescue them.

4. Communication Ability – The extent to which two people can engage each other in truthful, gracious communication is the single greatest determiner of the health and sustainability of a relationship. Pay attention to each of your abilities to resolve arguments and differences. Are you both able to handle intense arguments properly?

5. Mutual Physical Attraction – Though dismissed as unnecessary in some fields of thought, it is an important element of a lifetime relationship. There should be a physical spark that flows through you when the other person enters the room, though this is not the most important element.

Bill Hybels is running a series called, “The 2010 Family.” This talk is the January 9/10 session in the media player list. Click here to go now.

Check back for an upcoming talk by one of our favorite relationship psychologists, often quoted on this site, Dr. Henry Cloud.

On February 6/7, Bill Hybers is having Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, as a guest speaker in “The 2010 Family” series. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” “Safe People” and will tackle your toughest questions on relationships with those you love. Use the above link to go back to the site around February 9th or so to hear the session by Dr. Cloud.

How much does guilt and self rejection hold you back from what is most important to you in life?

Do guilty feelings keep you from confidence, happiness, and success? Feelings of guilt or self rejection will usually hold you back from most of what you desire out of life unless you choose to change those mindsets, restoring your confidence and self esteem.

I have been enjoying a book by Brennan Manning called, Abba’s Child; it was a recent gift from a friend. In the beginning of the book, he discusses his own path to overcoming shame and self rejection. He is aware that his own past experiences are so common in the human experience that many people will benefit from the results of his journey to self acceptance and value.

One of the main behaviors that cause a person to live with guilt and self rejection is the habit of projecting his or her feelings of self onto God.

The emotional weight is great when one feels shame or self disapproval of past choices, decisions, or just the person that you are. How much greater is that weight when one convinces himself that his Heavenly Father, his Creator, the most phenomenal being in the universe thinks all the same negative, condemning thoughts about him? Yet, this is a typical thought pattern in the human experience, though we are usually unaware that this is what we are doing.

Usually included in these projected thoughts is the idea that life’s good and bad times signal God’s approval or rejection.

As Manning says, it is easy to feel loved by God when life is going well, all your support systems are in place, and hence, your self acceptance is good; however, when dreams are shattered or failures take place, your guilt and self rejection are often projected onto God. In your mind, He appears “fickle and unpredictable.” When something good takes place, you feel that you have His love and approval. When a bad event happens, you think it is a sign of His disapproval and rejection of you as a person worth being loved. (1)

Manning has a beautiful, rather tongue-in-cheek statement about projecting one’s own self image onto God’s view of you:

We cannot assume that He feels about us the way we feel about ourselves unless we love ourselves compassionately, intensely, and freely…God is relentlessly tender and compassionate toward us, just as we are, not in spite of our sins and faults, but with them. Though God does not condone evil, He does not withhold His love because there is evil in us.” (2)

Choosing to come out of hiding in your spiritual relationship opens the doors to endless possibilities in spiritual intimacy.

Manning brings to the forefront 2 demonstrations of God’s own desire that failure and guilt not keep a person from a loving relationship with Him. One illustration is that of the father character in the Parable of the Prodigal Son; he ran to welcome home the son who returned after ruining his life. Jesus told the parable to illustrate God’s own view and subsequent actions toward us of redemptive love. The other example is historical. In the fall of mankind, Adam and Eve were hiding in shame and guilt from their daily time of loving relationship and conversation with Father God. God, even knowing their failures, came seeking Adam and Eve to continue a loving relationship with them. (3) Manning paraphrases the thoughts of God to end our self hatred:

Acknowledge and accept who I want to be for you: a Savior of boundless compassion, infinite patience, unbearable forgiveness, and love that keeps no score of wrongs. Quit projecting onto Me your own feelings about yourself. At this moment your life is a bruised reed and I will not crush it, a smoldering wick and I will not quench it. You are in a safe place. (3)

Releasing yourself from the need of perfectionism results in a blissful state of safety with self and God.

Like many religious people, Manning says he proclaimed God’s unconditional love for years, convicted in his head but never convinced in his heart. He only felt safe in his relationship with God when he saw himself as successful in being generous, noble, loving—perfect! Once he chose to end the negative projections onto God and release the need for perfectionism, Manning was able to internalize and finally feel God’s unrelenting love. Here is a great quote on his new sense of safety:

To feel safe is to…feel liked and accepted, not having to hide anymore and distract myself with books, television, movies, ice cream, shallow conversation…no need to impress. Unself-conscious, calm, unafraid, loved, valued. (4)

Rather than carrying guilt, one can strive to echo the apostle Paul’s feelings in 2 Cor.12:9, “I shall be very happy to make my weak nesses my special boast so thaqt the power of Christ may stay over me.”

Manning’s conclusion is that a “sense of safety with God results in a sense of safety with self,” with all your noble points and failures, strengths and weaknesses. Knowing you exist in a safe loving relationship with Father God, the most phenomenal being in the universe, realize there are now no limits to confidence, happiness, dreams, and success you can achieve!

Synopsis of concepts are from Brennan Manning’s “Abba’s Child,” ISBN-13: 978-1-57683-334-6
1. pg.21,pg.19
2. pp.19-20
3. pg.22
4. pg.27

Table of contents for Freeing Yourself from Abusive Relationships

1. Practical Steps to Free Yourself
2. Spiritual Guidelines to Stay Free

Reading Level: Gratifying

Those in abusive relationships frequently live in a state of confusion and hopelessness or blaming God for not helping them because they are unable to identify why continual destruction takes place in their lives.

Unfortunately, one is usually unaware of how his daily choices, lack of boundaries, and violating of spiritual and natural laws open the doors for harm to repeatedly come to him. Today I want to help you identify areas of your life that may be “opening the door” to harm in your circumstances and relationships. If you can begin seeing where you are violating spiritual boundaries or guidelines that God set up for your own protection, you can avoid the pitfalls, protect your life, and fulfill your destiny.

A person who continually faces destruction in his life often feels that he is being loving “like God” by giving in to controlling people and not having boundaries to protect his life and destiny.

This person often becomes bitter and blames God for the hardships he or she is suffering, but it is not God that has caused these things. God is not just “loving,” He IS Iove itself. There is a difference. He is perfect love and His perfect love includes boundaries, natural and spiritual laws, correction, and justice for the sake of our protection and well-being. To have real love and beneficial results in one’s daily life and relationships, you must implement God’s type of love, a real love that has boundaries and protection built into it.

A person would not blame God for self-imposed harm that came to someone who chose to violate the laws of nature. Yet, whether or not you implement spiritual laws for daily relationships is also a decision to avoid or cause self-imposed harm.

Here is an illustration. If someone chooses to violate the natural law of gravity by jumping off a skyscraper and bringing destruction to his or her physical body, you would not blame God for the result of their choice. God did not do it to them. The person chose to violate a natural law and it resulted in personal harm. God lists in Scripture many practical, daily guidelines (I’m going to call them spiritual laws as compared to laws of nature), which are given to help us be wise in our relationships with people, particularly those who are controlling or potentially harmful to us. People often violate these laws for one of three reasons:

–A lack of knowledge. They have never received instruction on the subject.

–They know about them but mistakenly feel that compromise is a loving choice because it is what the controlling person wants them to do.

–The person is so worn out by surrounding themselves with “leech” type people instead of giving people that they do not have the strength to fight for their personal rights, well-being, and fulfillment of destiny.

By stating the following spiritual guidelines as what should be avoided, it will be easier for you to identify if you already have violations of these spiritual guidelines affecting your relationships with people, and make changes necessary to bring restoration to your life. My comments on the spiritual laws will be in brackets and italics.

Avoid Selfish People:
Jas. 3:16 For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. (NIV)

Avoid Strife-Causing People:
Jas. 3:16 For where envying and strife are, there is confusion, unrest, disharmony, and all sorts of evil and vile practices. (AMP) [Notice that self-seeking people and those who cause strife create an environment filled with evil and confusion. As a result, close associations with these type of people will bring destructive circumstances into your life and difficulty in making good decisions.]

Avoid Worrying and Those Who Create Worrisome Situations:
Mr. 4:18-20 Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. [Those whose actions consistently cause you worry and create worrisome situations in your life will also drain you of energy and make your life "unfruitful" or unproductive.]

Avoid Associations or Situations Devoid of Integrity:
Prov. 10:2 Treasures of wickedness profit nothing, but righteousness, moral and spiritual rectitude [goodness and integrity] in every area and relation, delivers from death. [Just as this proverb states that a person whose character contains goodness and integrity in every aspect and relationship of his or her lifestyle delivers from "death," so the opposite is also true. Close associations with those devoid of goodness and integrity in every aspect of their person and relationships will cause death {circumstances destructive to life} not only in their own lives, but in your life.]

Avoid Close Association with Foolish Speaking People:
Prov. 10:10 The lips of the foolish will lead to ruin but he who boldly reproves makes peace. [Speaking foolishly yourself or close association with someone who does results in unnecessary harm.]

Avoid Those who Refuse Correction:
Prov. 10:17 He who heeds instruction and correction is not only himself in the way of life but also is a way of life for others. And he who neglects or refuses reproof not only himself goes astray but also causes to err and is a path toward ruin for others. [Some people live a lifestyle of refusing to accept good instruction. Neither will they take responsibility for the fact that their poor choices are the source of their problems; someone else is always to blame. Notice that God instructs that such a person not only brings ruin on himself/herself, but also causes ruin to come to those around them.]

Avoid Speaking Death over Any Area of Life:
Prov. 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue. [Rather than speak about how bad a situation is, speak how it should be. Even with your physical health, the body responds to your words. When you say, "I am sick," you are commanding your body to be, or stay, ill. Instead, if you say, "I am recovering," you are telling your body to heal itself. Either way, your body responds to your words. According to this proverb, the positive or negative aspect of your words affect the entire outcome of your life, either positively or negatively. To read my post with the information on how your words affect the nerves in your brain, click here to read "Healing Words."]

Avoid “Bad Boy Syndrome” in Relationships:
Jn. 3:16, “For God so loved that He gave…” [God loves, so He gives. Seek relationships of God-like givers, not user/abusers. I have seen friends who choose loving, giving people to be their life-long friends, but always pick controllers, users, or abusers to be romantically involved with as a husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend. Realize that the good, giving-type people you know you need as friends must be the same type of people with whom you choose to have a life-long, intimate relationship.]

Avoid All Decisions Based on Fear and/or Withdrawal of Love:
[If you missed my post on how various fears in your personal relationships can cause poor decisions, click here to read "Motivation Check." ]

Avoid a Poverty Mindset:
Ps. 35:27 Shout for joy and be glad and say continually, “Let the Lord be magnified, who takes pleasure in the prosperity of me, His servant.” [Just as your words produce death or life, so do negative or positive thoughts. What you believe determines your frame of mind and whether you are able to receive good from people, as well as whether you are able to notice beneficial opportunities. God instructs us to continually speak out loud with a mindset of joy that God takes pleasure or delight in our lives prospering in all its facets.]

Avoid Leeches Financially, Spiritually , Emotionally, Time-wise, Sleep-wise, and Energy-wise:
Prov. 30:15 “The leech has two daughters. ‘Give! Give!’ they cry. “There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, ‘Enough!’” [This is an unusual proverb, but it means, if you allow it, there will be people in your life who are like "leeches;" no matter how much you give, they expect more of you and are never satisfied with the amount of your giving. Like a blood-sucking leech, such people will drain all of the life out of you-physically, financially, spiritually, etc.]

Avoid Condoning Violations of Spiritual Laws in Your Household:
2 Thes. 3:10 For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “If a man will not work, he shall not eat.”

Prov. 18:9 He who is loose and slack in his work is brother to him who is a destroyer and he who does not use his endeavors to heal himself is brother to him who commits suicide. [These 2 verses show that it is morally wrong, a violation of God's standards, for you to support someone who refuses to work even though they are able. This concept is further explained in the next quote.]

Gal. 6:2-5 Bear one another’s burdens… But let each man test his own work, and then he will take pride in himself. For each man will carry his own load. [The word, "burdens," refers to a boulder-type obstacle, something impossible for an individual to handle. It is a situation that needs outside assistance; still, realize that you as an individual cannot handle the other person's overwhelming problem on your own instead of them either. This shows it is not morally acceptable before God for the other person to expect you to solve his problems-or make a living for him. In the same context, verse 5 says, "for each one should carry his own load." "Load" in the original Greek means a difficulty which is comparable to a backpack. In other words, in God's view, every person is responsible for the problems he or she can "carry" or take care of himself or herself.]

Gal. 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. [Do not violate the spiritual law of sowing and reaping in a person's life. It will actually harm both you and the other person. If a person takes responsibility to plant corn, and fertilize, and water, he should "reap" or eat of the harvest--the results of his responsibility. If he was too lazy to plant the corn, or planted it and then gave up on his responsibilities to nurture it, he should "reap" what he did--nothing. When you take over and keep the irresponsible person from "reaping" the discomfort or financial lack from his actions, you cause him to stay irresponsible. God established both natural and spiritual laws of sowing and reaping to protect you from abuse, as well as to protect the irresponsible person from his own harmful tendencies. If he or she "reaps" continual discomfort or financial lack from their behavior, it becomes motivational for him or her to change.]

Avoid Self-Condemnation:
Rom. 8:1 There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus, who live not after the desires of the flesh but the desires of the Spirit. [Due to the weariness that comes from extended trying circumstances, everyone has an occasional day when, emotionally, they feel discouraged, hopeless, unable to be strong for other people, etc. You make a difficult situation even harder if you listen to the negatives voices in your mind which bring self­-condemnation for not staying perfectly hopeful and strong. I heard a great word of encouragement the other day from Joel Osteen. He said, "Even Jesus fell down under the weight of His cross. He fell on the way to His victory." In the Romans 8 quote, God says that He does not condemn the person who has received forgiveness and reconciliation to Him through Jesus; this means the voices of condemnation are never from God and need to be cast out of your thought-life.

Also, just as in any healthy relationship, if the other person realizes an offense and sincerely apologizes, you forgive and go on without harboring bitterness or repeatedly bringing up the offense. Since God desires to exist in a healthy relationship with each of us, when you ask forgiveness, He truly does forgive and forget. Realizing this fact, you must not allow your imagination to think that God is continuing to punish you through your circumstances; neither should you continue to beat yourself down with guilt.]

Avoid Leaving the Sheep Gate Open:
John 10:1-5 [In this passage, Jesus clearly says that there is to be a fence of protection with a protective gate and a watchman that opens it for "good pasture" but closes it to keep out the thief, lions, bears, all that harm His sheep. It is your responsibility to "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (Pr 4:23) Most everything harmful to your body, spirit, mind, emotions, destiny, finances, etc. starts with words and actions from other people that come into your mind and begin harming your thoughts and resulting choices. Not guarding yourself from such people's influence will result in harm to all the various aspects of your life, just as if a shepherd left the sheep gate open or without a watchman to guard it. You must be an efficient watchman over the gate to your life! You must keep the fence intact. God expects you to protect your life from harmful, controlling, abusive people. When you allow harm in and keep the beneficial out, you violate the spiritual law of the sheep gate. Harm will come in all areas of your life if you live a fenceless, gateless life toward people that harm you.]

Avoid Compromise of Righteousness:
Prov. 10:11 The mouth of the [uncompromisingly] righteous man is a well of life. [Not compromising what you know is good and right for you and your God-given destiny brings a fulfilling life. The opposite is also true and must be avoided. Compromising what you know to be wisdom or what you know are healthy spiritual laws will cut off the open doors and paths that lead to your destiny-- the fulfillment of your life purpose.]

Table of contents for Freeing Yourself from Abusive Relationships

1. Practical Steps to Free Yourself
2. Spiritual Guidelines to Stay Free

Reading Level: Gratifying

Have you ever wished for a plan of action to get out of the abusive relationships in your life?

There is a step by step plan in an exceptional article written by Dr. Joseph Carver, Psychologist, explaining how to free yourself from controlling people and/or abusive people. Dr. Carver says that most people fail trying to get out of abusive relationships because “they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources.” Dr. Carver is a reputable psychologist whose articles on Love and the Stockholm Syndrome and the article we will discuss in this post are used by counseling groups across the globe.

Dr. Carver says that there are 3 necessary stages in freeing yourself from abusive and controlling people: The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection. These are only brief, paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Carver’s article. Please use the link here or below to read his article in full so that you have all the practical steps, information, and confidence you need to free yourself and start over on a new healthy path to a life that fulfills the God-given destiny for your existence!

Stage 1: The Detachment

-The abuser will have caused you isolation by methods such as controlling the finances, modes of transportation, etc. Pay attention to methods the controller is using to isolate you from freedom and help.

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, and share less feelings. The goal is to lessen the abuser’s emotional attachment to you.

- Quietly contact your family and friends to determine who can provide a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc. [An added note, only contact those who will keep your plans absolutely confidential.]

- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options.

- Slowly remove your valuables from the home. You may lose some personal items.

- Stop arguing. Stop defending and explaining yourself. Express that you are too stressed or confused to know why you are doing anything anymore.

- Drop hints that you are burned out and confused about your life. The abuser never takes responsibility for problems in any relationship and will feel better about ending it if they can put blame on you.

- Don’t start another relationship. The controller will quickly find another victim and become attached if you “lay low.”

- When the abuser/controller questions your new behavior, continue to confess confusion about your life in as boring a manner as possible. This sets the foundation for getting out.

Stage 2: Ending the Relationship

Since the abuser or controller does not take personal responsibility and would respond with anger to any criticism, your new behavior described in the detachment must continue while ending the relationship.

- While continuing to act burned out and confused, Dr. Carver says to express that “I can’t feel anything for anybody and I want to end the relationship for your benefit. I’m not right for anyone at this point in my life.”

- If “The Loser” panics, and responds acts of appreciation, react to each with a boring word thanks. If you overreact or give in, you’ve lost control again.

- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don’t agree to options for negotiating. The controller will contact you as long as they feel they can manipulate you.

- Realize the abuser/controller will try to make you feel guilty for a large variety of things. Again, do not be moved. Respond in a boring manner.

- Do not waste time trying to explain your feelings. Your feelings are irrelevant to the abuser. Explaining gives more opportunity for him to cause guilt and manipulation.

- Don’t fall for sudden changes in behavior by the controller. You know how he or she is normally and they will always return to the abusive behavior.

- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of family/friends. You will need the assistance but keep it confidential from the abuser.

- Don’t use terms like “someday”, “maybe”, or “in the future” with the relationship. The controller will put more pressure on you. Dr. Carver gives the example of how a slot machine that gives a small winning keeps a person hopeful. Stay stern, stable, [and boring] about ending the relationship with no hope of reconciliation. If you waver at all, the abuser will continue pressure. If there is no “pay off,” he or she will move on.

Stage 3: Follow-up Protection

Remember that the abuser or controller never sees himself as having a problem. He or she may think you are going through a phase and contact you after the relationship is terminated.

- Never change your original position that it’s permanently over!

- Don’t agree to meetings to discuss old times. This is his or her way to upset you.

- Do not discuss any personal information about your new life or relationships. Only mention unimportant talk, as one would with any person on the phone that you don’t want to talk to. Say that his or her life and your life are both private.

- If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad “Loser”, provide only a status report, much like you’d provide to marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else.

- When the abuser or control says how difficult the breakup has been, share general thoughts only, such as, “Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. I’m sure we’ll eventually find someone that’s right for both of us.”

- Keep all contact short and sweet – the shorter the better. Always be “on your way out the door” or cooking something, etc. Wish the person well but again in a boring, emotionally detached manner. Gadgets that produces about twenty sounds – a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. – are a great way to keep the conversation short.

Each of us need relationships that provide us with life-long love and security.

This is an excerpt from Dr. Carver’s concluding remarks in his article. Again, please use the link below to read his full article.

In all of our relationships throughout life, we will meet a variety of individuals with many different personalities. Some are a joy to have in our lives and some provide us with life-long love and security. Others we meet pose some risk to us and our future due to their personality and attitudes. Continuing a relationship with “The Loser” will result in a relationship that involves intimidation, fear, angry outbursts, paranoid control, and a total loss of your self-esteem and self-confidence. If you have been involved in a long-term relationship with “The Loser”, after you successfully escape you may notice that you have sustained some psychological damage that will require professional repair. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counselors are available in your community to assist and guide you as you recover.

Please click here to read this excellent, life-saving article in full, Detaching from Controllers and Abusers, by Dr. Joseph Carver, Psychologist.

Feelings of guilt hinder the quality of our relationships, both in the natural and spiritual realms. God desires that you live your life in confidence, free from guilt.

Guilt is a hindrance in any relationship. A person does not act according to the giftings of his personality, the best that he is capable of, when suffering from guilt, because it is a form of fear. It makes the person fear another conflict with that person or fear failure when facing a similar type situation as in the past. Guilt also often causes one to give in to manipulation from controlling people’s selfish desires, even when the decision is against his better judgment.

In one’s relationship with God, guilt also keeps a person from interacting in a healthy manner and, thus, relating to God with the confidence in which He desires us to interact with Him. If you feel that you have not already received forgiveness from God for past failures, or are struggling with the feeling that God is holding the past against you, please read the post, Hold on to Forgiveness Instead of Failure, before finishing this article. This post will deal with God’s descriptions of interacting with Him through a perspective of guilt-free confidence.

God clearly expresses His desire that each of us enjoy a favorable relationship with Him.

In the following quote from Romans 5:1,2,5, God states that He desires us to grasp the fact that we can “hold [on to] and enjoy” a relationship of peaceful reconciliation with Him.

Rom. 5:1,2,5 Since we are acquitted and given a right standing with God through faith, let us grasp the fact that we have the peace of reconciliation to hold and to enjoy through Jesus. Through Him we have by faith into this state of God’s favor in which we firmly and safely stand. Let us rejoice in our hope of experiencing and enjoying the glory of God…..Such hope never disappoints us…

The easiest way to cover the wealth contained in this quote is to list the various points based on the meaning of the key words in the original Greek with which they were written.

1. The Greek word for the phrase “peace of reconciliation” is “eirene,” containing the emotional states of quietness and rest as well as “set at one again” or reconciled.(1) Reconciliation is defined as either “restoring harmony in a friendship”(2) or “re-establishing a close relationship.”(3) God wants us to grasp the fact that, as far as He is concerned, there is rest and harmony in the close relationship between you and Him, and He wants you to live in the enjoyment of that fact.

2.You may think, “How can I feel such harmony between myself and God after all my failures?” The first phrase in the quote explains how. “Faith” in God gives you a right standing with Him. In the Greek, “faith” or “pistis” is your “moral conviction of the truthfulness of God, especially reliance upon Christ for salvation, as well as constancy in such profession.”(1) The Romans 5 quote is part of a discussion in chapter 4 on Abraham being the father of faith because he “believed God and it was credited to his account as righteousness and right standing with God (Rom.4:3,22;Gen.15:6).”

3. Your faith (reliance, continual trust) in God’s forgiveness allows you to be “acquitted” by God of your past failures, just as when a jury “acquits” an accused person, freeing him of all guilt. The discussion in Romans 4 on Abraham ends by saying, the words about Abraham’s faith giving him a right standing with God were not written for his sake alone, “but for our sakes, too. Right standing with God will be granted to us also who believe, trust in, adhere to, and rely on God who raised Jesus from the dead, who was betrayed and put to death because of our misdeeds…absolving us from all guilt before God.”

Let’s focus back on our original quote and paraphrase it, “Because of your faith or trust in God’s acquittal or removal of our guilt, He desires you to grasp the fact that you can enjoy a restored, close harmonious relationship with Him.”

4. The “state of God’s favor” in which you firmly and safely stand by faith is the word often translated as “grace.” The Greek for “grace” is “charis,” meaning “graciousness of manner or actions, especially the divine influence upon the heart and its reflection in the life; benefit, favor.”(1) To paraphrase, God desires you to realize that He is expecting you to live enjoying a favorable relationship with Him in which you benefit from His gracious attitude and actions toward you.

5. In God’s perspective, you “firmly and safely stand” in this gracious, guilt-free relationship with Him. Let your mind grasp hold of the peace involved when you realize that your standing in a relationship with someone is firm and safe. The Greek for “stand” is “histemi,” a prolonged form of the root word, meaning to abide or continue.(1) Again, God’s perspective is that the relationship between you is a gracious one that will continue to be safe and firm; it is lasting. Allow yourself to enjoy the incredible peace and satisfaction from a firm, safe relationship with God.

6. The next sentence in the Romans 5 quote says, “Let us rejoice in our hope of experiencing and enjoying the glory of God.” It is good to remind you here that the term “hope” in scripture is not like the typical concept in English. In English, the term “hope” implies wishful thinking of something that may never happen. The Greek term used in this sentence, “elpis,” means to confidently anticipate or expect; it also contains the idea that you feel pleasure because of the confidence that what you are anticipating will actually happen.(1) God wants you to rejoice because you can live each and every day confidently anticipating, expecting to enjoy a lasting relationship with God in which you experience all the glories, all the wonders that exist in His person.

7. The last part of the quote, verse 5, says “Such hope never disappoints us…” What a phenomenally wonderful thought — a relationship in which you will not be disappointed. When you by faith accept God’s forgiveness or acquittal of your failures, you enter a relationship with Him of guilt-free confidence. That is where God desires you to exist. He desires you to grasp hold of that fact, enjoy it, live in confident anticipation that a harmonious relationship with God of favor, graciousness, and benefits is also a firm, safe, and lasting relationship in which you can daily experience all the glories existing in His personality. No wonder He tells us that we will not be disappointed!

Let’s wrap up by briefly looking at 2 benefits from a guilt-free, confident relationship with God.

When you exist in a guilt-free relationship with God, it changes how you communicate with God in prayer.

Look at this beautiful quote from Heb 4:15,16 about confidence in your relationship with God.

For we do not have a High Priest [reference to Jesus] who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning. Let us then fearlessly and confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of grace (the throne of God’s unmerited favor to us sinners), that we may receive mercy for our failures and find grace to help in good time for every need, appropriate help and well-timed help, coming just when we need it.

Remember what I said about guilt in the beginning of this post? Guilt is a type of fear that keeps you from living at your best in a relationship. When you realize that God has removed your guilt and you live in a firm, safe relationship with Him, that confidence changes all your conversation with Him. You freely come to God with your needs, feeling confident in His help. The word “confidence” in the Hebrews 4 quote is the Greek term, “parrhesia,” meaning “outspokenness, bluntness, boldness of speech, freely, openly, plainly.” A clear understanding of your relationship with God will cause you to be confident enough to talk freely and plainly with God about your needs, desires, and dreams.

When you exist in a guilt-free relationship with God, it changes the level of prayers that you see answered.

Remember in Matthew 9:29 what Jesus said regarding results from our prayers, “According to your faith it will be done to you.” When you realize that you have a firm, safe relationship with God upon which you trust and rely, such confidence greatly increases your faith. You believe in God’s loving care for you. You believe that He listens to your prayers and follows through with the promises to you that you see in scripture. As a result, you freely come to God with your needs, feeling completely confident in His help or having “faith”, and thus receive the answers to your prayers. According to your faith – your trust and reliance on the relationship with Him – the answers to your prayers take place.

1. Greek definitions were taken from Strong’s Dictionary of New Testament Words.
2. Meriam-Webster Dictionary
3. thefreedictionary.com

]]> http://receivehealing.com/blog/390/guilt-free-confidence/feed/ 0 http://receivehealing.com/blog/367/freedom-through-responsibility/ http://receivehealing.com/blog/367/freedom-through-responsibility/#comments Tue, 10 Feb 2009 22:21:54 +0000 R.H. http://receivehealing.com/blog/?p=367 Reading Level: Impassioned

To some, this title sounds like an oxymoron-complete opposites-yet taking responsibility for your actions and decisions can actually set you free.

A large portion of the balance of our lives is dependent on what we are and are not responsible for. Becoming aware of where we have or have not drawn boundaries with our chosen responsibilities can bring some startling realizations as to the sources of needless stress, irritation, and resentments. Two recent situations drew my attention to this concept.

The initial way to Freedom through Responsibility is to be content with the decisions you make as to your level of responsibility.

The first situation that made me aware of this principle was taking place in my own life. I was feeling resentful and becoming quite negative about a particular organization with which we work at times that was not being well run by the leadership. I would probably have released my frustration by sitting down and giving them input on a few key things that were affecting their effectiveness, as I had knowledge in that area. However, this past month was so hectic that I chose not to invest my personal time into that situation, deciding the people could probably learn from their own mistakes. I realized this week, however, that I was not taking responsibility for my own decision. Since I had chosen not to take from my time the volume of time needed to give input to that organization’s leadership, I needed to be content with that decision to let them learn from their own mistakes, and choose not to be irritated by the lack of effectiveness of the present leadership.

People often clutter their lives with irritation and resentment either by (1) choosing to take on too many “extra curricular” responsibilities in what would otherwise be their free time and then resenting the people involved or (2) not choosing to be content with the boundaries they set. The first often happens with people in any type of rescue work or those with a co-dependent personality who feel they always need to be “rescuing” something or someone. The wise decision is to limit optional responsibilities to a level you will be happy with. If you are feeling irritated or resentful, you need to cut back with these optional responsibilities and then be happy with your decision. The other source of irritation and resentment is what I was experiencing, choosing not to be involved in someone else’s problem and then allowing myself to be irritated and resentful with the delays involved to more effectiveness in the organization while the people learn their lessons themselves. The first scenario is by far the most common.

The secondary way to Freedom through Responsibility is to be aware of which responsibilities in life are truly yours!

In one situation, a friend has lost his health and career due to taking on responsibilities of other family members that they should have done for themselves. At this point, he only sees that he was trying to be helpful. He feels that he has lost everything by doing what was right. He is suffering due to a false view of responsibility. You are responsible, first, to your gift of life, including your own health and purpose or career. As your primary focus is responsibility to yourself and life purpose, you will, first, free yourself from wastes of time and energy and, second, be a more valuable contributor to society as a whole because you are a healthy, balanced person who is fully living out his or her life purpose.

Taking on responsibilities that are not yours violates scriptural principles as well as your own purpose of existence.

I’ve mentioned in a previous blog the quote that many people use to justify taking on responsibilities that are not theirs or expecting others to take their responsibilities. Scripture says in Gal. 6:2, “Carry each other’s burdens.” People misinterpret that to mean any problem someone else does not want to deal with. First, the quote must be studied in the original language as it is rarely correctly translated into English, and, second, the quote must be taken in context. The word, “burdens” in 6:2 refers to a boulder-type obstacle, something impossible for an individual to handle. It is a situation that needs outside assistance; still, realize that you as an individual cannot handle the problem on your own instead of the person either, so this negates the other person’s excuse for you solving his problems. In the same context, verse 5 says, “for each one should carry his own load.” “Load” in the original Greek means a difficulty comparable to a backpack. In other words, before God every person is responsible for the problems he or she can carry himself or herself.

Two other quotes are important with regard to personal responsibility. In 2 Thes. 3:10, it says, “We gave you this rule: ‘If a man will not work, he shall not eat.’ ” The obvious point from this quote is that you should not be giving handouts to someone who refuses to be a productive member of society. A similar analogy to all of life’s responsibilities is that someone not willing to work or take care of his or her individual responsibilities should not be receiving from someone else’s work the benefits he would have received for doing the responsibilities himself. It may sound harsh, but it is not. It is a safety rule set up by God for both people’s lives-the person prone to take and the person prone to give. To add someone else’s responsibilities to your own and thereby give them the results of your labor, “eating” in the above passage, is to violate another spiritual law-that of sowing and reaping. Gal. 6:7 states, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” It is an analogy to farming. If a person takes responsibility to plant corn, and fertilize, and water, he should “reap” or eat of the harvest-the results of his responsibility. If he was too lazy to plant the corn, or planted it and then gave up on his responsibilities, he should “reap” what he planted-nothing.

The law of sowing and reaping is a God-given personal safety law.

If you continue to take on the responsibilities of the irresponsible person, and then giving them the results of your work, you put yourself on a path to self-destruction as well as enabling the irresponsible person’s self-destruction. Why? Because if he/she would have continued to reap “nothing” from their irresponsibility, the consequences of going without their needs met would eventually have become motivational to change and become a productive part of society. Lastly, there is the point of your own purpose of existence; you are violating your gift of life by putting time and energy into responsibilities that are not yours when those time and energies should be going into your God-given life goals and leading a fulfilling life, an abundant life (Jn.10:10).

Free yourself today by responsibility. Free yourself from exhaustion, unfulfillment, and resentment by only being responsible for the life duties that are yours. Free yourself to enjoy good health, happiness, and fulfillment by being aware of the responsibilities which are truly yours. Free yourself from irritation and frustration by being content with your choice of responsibilities. Acting upon your own life’s real responsibilities will leave you happy, healthy, and allow you to fulfill your God-given life purpose.

Table of contents for Cancer Prevention

1. 4 New Prominent Methods
2. 11 Simple Steps to Do Now

Below is only an abbreviated list of the 11 Simple Steps to Do Now to virtually eliminate your cancer risk.

Please use this link to read Dr. Mercola’s full article. This is Part 2 of some excerpts from Dr. Mercola’s newsletter on cancer prevention.

1. Normalize your vitamin D levels with safe amounts of sun exposure…It would be best to monitor your vitamin D levels.

2. Control your insulin levels … limit your intake of processed foods and sugars as much as possible.

3. Get appropriate amounts of animal-based omega-3 fats.

4. Get appropriate exercise... it drives your insulin levels down.

5. Eat according to your nutritional type. [For an explanation, follow the link off of number 5 on Dr. Mercola's full newsletter.]

6. Have a tool to [resolve emotional hurts] permanently erase the neurological short-circuiting that can activate cancer genes. Even the CDC states that 85 percent of disease is caused by emotions. My particular favorite tool … is the Emotional Freedom Technique.

7. Only 25 percent of people eat enough vegetables, so by all means eat as many vegetables as you are comfortable with. Ideally, they should be fresh and organic. However, fresh conventionally grown vegetables are healthier than organic wilted ones…

8. Maintain an ideal body weight.

10. Reduce your exposure to environmental toxins.

11. Boil, poach or steam your foods, rather than frying or charbroiling them.

Please click here to read Dr. Joseph Mercola’s full article, 11 Simple Steps to Do Now.