Table of contents for Relationship Issues Q&A

1. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 1
2. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 2

Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, one of my favorite authors, is a frequent guest speaker for the Family Series event hosted by Bill Hybel.  There are some excerpts of one of his talks. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” and “Safe People.” You can listen or watch the full talk by Dr. Cloud at this link (Part VI on their page).

This is a continuation of a 2 part post. If you missed Part 1, use the above series link.

These are paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s question and answer session on some of life’s toughest relationship questions. Please use the link below to watch or listen to the full video or audio. The insights will greatly benefit yourself, your friends, and family.

5. With regard to blended families and step families, how can a parent continue a close relationship with a child who is living with the other re-married parent and both parental roles are already being fulfilled in the child’s life?

This is a painful scenario and there is no way to go through this without feeling some loss. However, the first important step is to remove from your thoughts the concept of “either/or” because you are both in the child’s life. You don’t have control of when you are not there, but you do have 100% control of the relationship you have when you are together with your child. First, if you are nurturing, warm, and positive and do great stuff together, yet have requirements and expectations that he live by your rules, even if the other parent is a non-structure type, kids deep down eventually gravitate toward structure. You will face fights and some “prodigal son” moments, but continue to be the best person you can be in regards to loving and discipline. The child will develop an attachment to you based on that.

The second important point is don’t poison the other relationship with the step parent or the one with your ex. You want the child to have as many positive relationships as possible.

Third, have a transcendent desire, one that transcends any wounds, and can come together to work on what is best for the kids. It is so easy to get caught up in rehashing old hurts and wants. You can still come together, agreeing that “These are our issues. We will never get along on these points, otherwise we would still be married.” Then carve out a space where you can come together solely to work on what is best for the children.

6. What is your advice for a couple whose interests are so different that they never spend any time together?

Something is wrong if you only spend time pursuing your own personal tastes/interests. There are vital things in life that we all should be interested in, unless we are living a life only to ourselves, an ego-centric life that does not transcend our own interests. You and your spouse should be involved in some universal interests, like reaching out to the poor or extended family, doing activities with your kids, community service involvement, spiritual activities at the church. So, first find universal things to be involved in that have nothing to do with person tastes.

Second, move past your own interests to the interests of others [in your mindset and lifestyle]. Cross the fence and become of student of your spouse’s heart, mind, soul, strengths, and passions. [Dr. Cloud then gave the example of a man who hated art but loved going to his wife’s art exhibits because he realized he was able to see another part of her, a part of her life’s passion and talents that he could not see otherwise; it was another part of her person that he could fall in love with as he immersed himself in watching her in her element.

7. As a clinical psychologist, what are some of the key elements to get right with our families?

If you do the most important one, most of the others will fall into place. Go back to the original design of how God designed marriage to work. The formula God gave of leaving parents, cleaving to your spouse, and becoming one [Gen.2:24] contains life-changing dynamics.

The leaving must take first before the cleaving. When a person doesn’t do the “leave” part, it is because of not wanting to stand up to the parent’s control issues–wanting [the grown child] to stay forever or wanting intrusion rights– or because [the grown child] is still in a dependency relationship with the parent emotionally, financially or desiring approval. The Hebrew word for leave is brutal; it means utterly forsake. This does not mean to abandon your parents, because we are supposed to have intergenerational ties and relationships. However, what you forsake is that child role from your family of origin; be an adult and now cleave to your spouse.

The next step in the formula is two whole people become one. The oneness is created by two whole people coming together. Here is the typical problem, though; if you are not a complete person as an adult, if you are a half person looking for another half person to make a whole, ½ x ½ = ¼! When we bring brokenness into brokenness, we get reduced to less of a person than we were to begin with and we just want out so that the pain will stop.

To make a relationship work, the key is that both spouses must be on a path to become whole, mature, complete people. It does not mean perfect people, but that you’ve worked out the stuff so [when a crisis occurs], you don’t whine like a two year old; you get up and solve the problem. Men need to be in groups of men who will give them the support they did not get from their families of origin, and the same with women, see your [counselor] or whatever you have to do so that both people are becoming whole persons and then establish a family, and pass that wholeness on. This is the best thing you can do.

Last , you’ve got to have a strategic plan for your family and do it with intention. The rule of life is that the urgent will always crowd out the vital. Carve out purposeful times that are going to be reserved for you, and for the support groups. We also have a family meeting every week where we talk about “What can we do better this week? What do we want you to do better this week? What do you want us to do better this week?” We are working on things and we’re growing together. When you do that, if you are getting good information and you are growing, you are going to succeed.

To make full use of the vital information Dr. Cloud has provided, please use this link to watch the video or audio. Click Part VI on their play list.

Table of contents for Relationship Issues Q&A

1. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 1
2. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 2

Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, one of my favorite authors, is a frequent guest speaker for the Family Series event hosted by Bill Hybel.  There are some excerpts of one of his talks. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” and “Safe People.” You can listen or watch the full talk by Dr. Cloud at this link (Part VI on their page).

Here are some paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s question and answer session on some of life’s toughest relationship questions. We’ll do this in a 2 part post.  Please use the link below to watch or listen to the full video or audio.

1. Where do you draw the line between tough love and unconditional love?

There is a problem with this term of “drawing the line.” When we look at God’s personality, His expectations are done in ways that are perfectly loving and honest so He never has to “draw the line” due to having gone too far down an enabling, co-dependent road. With parents, too often we have let the child go too long down a path without consequences until it is at a point where harm will come to them if he (or she does) not get control of himself. It should never get to this point, but if it does, it should be done in a loving way.

As for child discipline, in this culture people often say, “Don’t say ‘No’ to your child; give them choices.” As an adult, one runs into ‘No’s,’ with speed limits, job requirements, etc. Our job as parents is to arrange situations in a way that when they make good decisions then good things happen and when they make bad decisions bad things happen. The goal is to transfer self control to the child. They should grow to the point of being in charge of themselves and feeling, “Oh, I better do it this way so something uncomfortable does not happen.” …we must take a stance that requires them to step into maturity so they are in control and we can finally delegate that job to them.

2. How do you address character issues in marriage? How do you let a spouse know you want more from a relationship without making them feel like a bad spouse?

In response to the first part of the question, most problems are the same in every marriage whether or not it is a good marriage, unless something strange is going on. It is how it is handled that makes the difference. Research shows that you can predict divorce in couples by 90% accuracy if couples (1) are judgmental, critical in giving feedback to each other instead of problem solving and (2) if they have a lot of contempt for the spouse.

To answer the second part of the questions, the best way to talk without making the other person feel bad is to talk about what you both want in the relationship that is positive. Express how their behavior is affecting what you both want…By talking about how the behavior’s negatively affecting what you both want out of the relationship, you are not saying they are a bad person but that the situations are negatively affecting what is important to them. If you’ve been unable to make these changes on your own [as a couple], you should probably talk to a counselor or pastor, too.

3. How do I balance time between work, family, friends, hobbies, etc?

Technology has created more difficulties in this area. Before, work had walls and time boundaries. Now we bring it home. If “life” is not protected, than life will not happen. [Dr. Cloud has a book on this topic, “The One Life Solution.”] A main quote of mine is “Follow the misery and make a rule.”

It is similar to God’s rule for the Sabbath, that there should be a protected, designated time, sometime during the week, for rest. Studies show that your brain needs downtime to grow new neuro-pathways. Couples need to talk about “Where is this not working for us?” and set some boundaries, protect your relationships. Examples, no work at home or no work email at home, set weekly date night with no kids, set weekly family meeting. If you do not put the vital things of life into protective structures, something will always get in the way.

4. How can one trust again after having experienced repeated unfaithful spouses?

First, this is one of the most painful experiences a person can go through. But if you have consistently had this experience, before marrying again, you may want to check your “people picker.” Bad people do “happen” to good people, but sometimes we make it easier for it to happen with our blind spots. Go through a good divorce recovery and see why you choose self-absorbed or unfaithful spouses and why you don’t recognize it earlier on in the relationship. We sometimes come into marriage lacking wholeness. We may have parts of us that are inaccessible to bring into the relationship or we do not have the skills to handle hurts that happen. Marriage needs to be a place to bring all of yourself. When you are hurt, you are able to bring that hurt and resolve it instead of take it someplace else. Or, when your needs are not being met, you also show up with your conflict resolution skills and work it out…When you get something immature from your spouse, don’t be overcome by that. Do not let them regress you..if you don’t have that in you, get a support group so that you can take health into the relationship. (Use the link below to hear Dr. Cloud input on if you want to restore a relationship broken by unfaithfulness.)

We will continue with more paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s relationship question and answer session in Part 2 of this post. To make full use of the vital information Dr. Cloud has provided, please use this link to watch the video or audio. Click Part VI on their play list.

If you missed Bill’s Hybel’s talk on “5 Key Compatiblities” to look for to guide you through easy-to-follow principles for determining your compatibility in a relationship, be sure to read it for your own benefit and that of your friends and family. Good information for everyone! This talk is Part II in their media player list.

How much does guilt and self rejection hold you back from what is most important to you in life?

Do guilty feelings keep you from confidence, happiness, and success? Feelings of guilt or self rejection will usually hold you back from most of what you desire out of life unless you choose to change those mindsets and bring restoration to your confidence and self esteem.

I have been enjoying a book by Brennan Manning called, Abba’s Child; it was a recent gift from a friend. In the beginning of the book, he discusses his own path to overcoming shame and self rejection. He is aware that his own past experiences are so common in the human experience that many people will benefit from the results of his journey to self acceptance and value.

One of the main behaviors that cause a person to live with guilt and self rejection is the habit of projecting his or her feelings of self onto God.

The emotional weight is great when one feels shame or self disapproval of past choices, decisions, or just the person that you are. How much greater is that weight when one convinces himself that his Heavenly Father, his Creator, the most phenomenal being in the universe thinks all the same negative, condemning thoughts about him? Yet, this is a typical thought pattern in the human experience, though we are usually unaware that this is what we are doing.

Usually included in these projected thoughts is the idea that life’s good and bad times signal God’s approval or rejection.

As Manning says, it is easy to feel loved by God when life is going well, all your support systems are in place, and hence, your self acceptance is good; however, when dreams are shattered or failures take place, your guilt and self rejection are often projected onto God. In your mind, He appears “fickle and unpredictable.” When something good takes place, you feel that you have His love and approval. When a bad event happens, you think it is a sign of His disapproval and rejection of you as a person worth being loved. (1)

Manning has a beautiful, rather tongue-in-cheek statement about projecting one’s own self image onto God’s view of you:

We cannot assume that He feels about us the way we feel about ourselves unless we love ourselves compassionately, intensely, and freely…God is relentlessly tender and compassionate toward us, just as we are, not in spite of our sins and faults, but with them. Though God does not condone evil, He does not withhold His love because there is evil in us.” (2)

Choosing to come out of hiding in your spiritual relationship opens the doors to endless possibilities in spiritual intimacy.

Manning brings to the forefront 2 demonstrations of God’s own desire that failure and guilt not keep a person from a loving relationship with Him. One illustration is that of the father character in the Parable of the Prodigal Son; he ran to welcome home the son who returned after ruining his life. Jesus told the parable to illustrate God’s own view and subsequent actions toward us of redemptive love. The other example is historical. In the fall of mankind, Adam and Eve were hiding in shame and guilt from their daily time of loving relationship and conversation with Father God. God, even knowing their failures, came seeking Adam and Eve to continue a loving relationship with them. (3) Manning paraphrases the thoughts of God to end our self hatred:

Acknowledge and accept who I want to be for you: a Savior of boundless compassion, infinite patience, unbearable forgiveness, and love that keeps no score of wrongs. Quit projecting onto Me your own feelings about yourself. At this moment your life is a bruised reed and I will not crush it, a smoldering wick and I will not quench it. You are in a safe place. (3)

Releasing yourself from the need of perfectionism results in a blissful state of safety with self and God.

Like many religious people, Manning says he proclaimed God’s unconditional love for years, convicted in his head but never convinced in his heart. He only felt safe in his relationship with God when he saw himself as successful in being generous, noble, loving—perfect! Once he chose to end the negative projections onto God and release the need for perfectionism, Manning was able to internalize and finally feel God’s unrelenting love. Here is a great quote on his new sense of safety:

To feel safe is to…feel liked and accepted, not having to hide anymore and distract myself with books, television, movies, ice cream, shallow conversation…no need to impress. Unself-conscious, calm, unafraid, loved, valued. (4)

Rather than carrying guilt, one can strive to echo the apostle Paul’s feelings in 2 Cor.12:9, “I shall be very happy to make my weak nesses my special boast so thaqt the power of Christ may stay over me.”

Manning’s conclusion is that a “sense of safety with God results in a sense of safety with self,” with all your noble points and failures, strengths and weaknesses. Knowing you exist in a safe loving relationship with Father God, the most phenomenal being in the universe, realize there are now no limits to confidence, happiness, dreams, and success you can achieve!

Synopsis of concepts are from Brennan Manning’s “Abba’s Child,” ISBN-13: 978-1-57683-334-6
1. pg.21,pg.19
2. pp.19-20
3. pg.22
4. pg.27

You can choose to respond to fearful situations in ways other than panic, being withdrawn, or some other solely, defensive protective mode. You have the option of choosing not to react to your fear, letting it manipulate you, but to think creatively, outside of the box, and discover responses that will actually enhance your life.

A recent study of the economy illustrates that most people react to fear instead of being creatively proactive.

The present economic situation in the US has affected all kinds of businesses, large and small. One of the categories of institutions largely affected is charitable organizations. Statistician George Barna of the Barna Group recently posted 3 articles with the results of his year long study of how the economy affected churches and other non-profit organizations, as well as how the churches responded to the fearful economic situation.

What stood out to me was Barna’s comments that most churches responded, in my terminology, by reacting to the economy, rather than seeing opportunities to respond creatively and actually enhance their situation and the lives of the people in their communities. Many churches adjusted budgets, cut spending, and cut staff. While it is the right thing to do to re-evaluate the budget and eliminate unnecessary spending, Barna notes, “For the most part, church leaders seem to have been in a hunker-down mode, attempting to get through the tough economy…”, a protective fear response. Similar to most people in fearful situations, few organizations set fear aside enough to think proactively and see where the current economic situation was actually providing new opportunities to interact with the community in helpful ways. Regarding this Barna says,

When pastors were asked to identify the changes they had made as a result of the economic downturn only about one out of every eight church leaders (13%) identified what might be described as activities that proactively position the church as a valuable resource to churchgoers and to those in the community.

This included hosting support groups and classes for those with have lost jobs, classes for those experiencing money problems, increasing the amount of prayer, provide financial counseling, and offering special talks on how to handle money problems. This next quote is not to speak negatively of the church organizations in any way, but to notice how often each of us respond the exact same way to crises situations in our lives.

Yet, the surprise is how few churches seem to have clearly and intentionally developed a proactive response to the downturn. Perhaps they have been so busy keeping the programs running that they have failed to see the significant opportunities as well as unique challenges represented in the new economic reality… Like so many others, church leaders have been focused on surviving; now is the time, though, to calibrate ministries and strategies to the opportunities brought by the new economy.

Similarly, whatever your fear situation, you do not want to just survive but thrive by seeing and implementing new opportunities.

Make a new effort to step back emotionally from your present fearful situation. Sometimes it helps to think about it as if it were someone else’s problem and what you would advise them to do, viewing it from the outside. If you cannot do this on your own, you may need to get help from a counselor, pastor, or a trusted, wise friend. Open your mind to the option of thinking creatively; take the offensive and look for ways to be creatively proactive, taking life-enhancing measures that will put you on the road to conquering your fearful situation, or at least living life a level above it.

Quotes are from “The Economies Impact on Churches (Part 2 of 3): How Churches Have Adapted” by Barna Group, Barna.org

Do you feel that you effectively handle the loss of a loved one?

During a time of loss and grieving, what you choose to focus on will determine how effectively you transition to life without that person. I once read of a study on people who lived to be over 100. The only common factor discovered in that particular study was their ability to go on after tragedy and still find life worth living. Since stress and negative thoughts are physically damaging as well as emotionally, it is easy to see how this would be true. There is no doubt that times of loss involve grieving over the separation. There are a variety of psychological stages one goes through during grief. However, the choice of your focus drastically affects the effectiveness of your transition.

Choosing to focus on the aspects of that person which brought joy to your life is important to your well-being.

Instead of focusing on the traumatic circumstances which took place in the physical realm that caused you to lose that person, choose to live out your life rejoicing in the positive input that person had into your life. Meditate on the various joys that person brought to you. Rejoice that your life was fuller because of those joys. Rejoice that you are a better person because of those experiences.

The next step in effectively transitioning through a time of loss is realizing the source of those joys you experienced.

This week was one of high stress for our family as I almost lost my father to 3 severe intestinal bugs that he contracted while visiting the sick in hospitals, hospices, and nursing homes the week before Thanksgiving. Visiting the sick and elderly has always been a major focus of my father’s life. I was reminded of an experience from years back, the first time that I almost lost my father to an illness. I was grieving at the possibility of the loss. My father’s love for people and God has always been a source of inspiration to my life. I was not able to feel any peace until God spoke a concept very clearly to my heart. He said, “Everything good that you love about your father came from Me. Those things are in Me and I am always with you.”

As you focus on the aspect that the joys you experienced in the person you lost actually have their source in God, and He is always with you, you realize in a deeper, more complete way that those joys can continue in your life.

God has forever made clear His commitment to be with you. In the Old Testament, He says not to be discouraged or afraid because He goes before you, is with you, and will never leave you or forsake you. (Deut. 31:8)

Again in the New Testament, this is reiterated:

Surely I am will you always, even to the very of the age. Matt. 28:20
I will never leave you and never forsake you. Heb. 13:5

In the Greek, the tense of the word “never” in Hebrews 13 is actually never x 7 (never times 7), stressing the complete reality of God’s presence with you.

Now let’s focus on a moment on God’s goodness. James 1:17 says that every good and perfect gift is from your Heavenly Father. Every good that your loved one poured into your life, every joy that was imparted, had its source in the personality and person of Father God. Like God impressed on me in my time of trial, “Every good thing that you love about the person exists in Me, came from Me, and I am always with you!”

During your time of loss, deal effectively with your time of transition.

Meditate on the joys that your loved one brought to you and then stay focused on that fact that Father God is the source of those joys. He cannot die, so His promise to always be with you, continuing to pour those joys into you, is a lasting one that you can count on for the rest of your life.

Table of contents for From Rejection to Self Esteem

1. From Rejection to Self Esteem Part 1
2. From Rejection to Self Esteem Part 2

In rejection recovery, realize that negative thoughts cannot be changed without replacing them with positive ones.

This is Part 2 of a 2 part post.  If you missed Part 1, please use the series link above to read it first as Part 1 covers the two initial steps for recovering from rejection.

To overcome the negativity that is overrunning your thought life as a result of the rejection, you must actively make yourself think on thoughts that will move you forward to the productive life you should be living. There are 3 main ways to replace thoughts of rejection.

1. Base your value on God’s value of you. With all the beauty that exists in creation, with all the billions of people, God still loves you and considers you precious and honored in His sight (Is. 43:4). Scripture describes that God saw your unformed body before you were born, already knew all the days of your life before it began, and that His thoughts of you outnumber the grains of sand–because He thinks so often about you. (Ps. 139:15-18) Throughout the up’s and down’s of life, it is essential that you base your value of yourself on the value God sees in you. This is the only way your value of yourself can remain constant. It cannot be based on people because people come and go in our lives, even if it is by death. Your value cannot be based on your career or other abilities because, one day, you will no longer be able to do those things.

2. Be your own cheerleader. This is a self-help tip that I’ve heard Joel Osteen say many times and it is worth repeating. Every day, get up in the morning and be your own cheerleader. Say good things about yourself to yourself! Speak to yourself about God’s value of you. Throughout the day, remind yourself of your value and your abilities. And, it doesn’t hurt to aim high. It is like the Law of Attraction. You speak those positive things to yourself even if you are not there yet so that you will eventually develop those qualities. Here is a sample list that I compiled from a couple of Joel’s broadcasts:

-I have unprecedented favor today.
-I have new opportunities for my career and personal life.
-God is in love with me.
-People like me.
-I am talented.
-I am creative.
-I am strong.
-I have excellence and determination.
-Whatever I do prospers and succeeds.

You can add to that list accomplishments which you desire that have not taken place yet, speaking them in present tense. Such as, “I have many loving people in my life. I am free from debt. I’m taking my dream vacation, etc.” As in the Law of Attraction, speaking positively to yourself about things that you desire to accomplish will make you more creative and more aware of opportunities to help you fulfill those goals.

3. Think repeatedly throughout day about those who do love you. Most of us have several people in our lives whom we value and who value us, even though it may be at varying levels of love. Even if you are temporarily in a stage where you think the only person who values you is your pet, think throughout the day about those who do love you or care about your well-being.

Move forward.

The past is never worth staying in. It is time to move forward. In addition to ways we’ve already mentioned, move forward by taking time in your schedule for people who do love or care about you. Maybe the person who rejected you was a former friend in whom you had invested a great deal of time. Move forward by spending time with those positive relationships that may have been neglected while you were focused on that other person, such as relatives, other friends, or even co-workers. Also move forward by accomplishing a project around the house or online course you put off doing due to time constraints from the past relationship. Or, do something for yourself you have always wanted to do, such as a certain vacation.

Finally, always encourage yourself with God’s unfailing, unchanging love for you.

People’s love may change, people may move in and out of your life, or they may reject you and never even give themselves the opportunity to get to know you. God, however, will never reject you. He says in John 6:37, “The person who comes to me I will never reject.” In James 4:8, He promises, “Come near to Me and I will come near to you.” In other words, God will be responsive to your desire to know Him and have a close relationship with Him. You can trust Him! His love for you will not fail you! “I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever (Ps. 52:8).”

(1) Click here to read the article on Determining Your Destiny which lists Creflo’s 8 steps to direct the course of your life to your goals and restoration.

Other Related Posts:
Handling the Fear of God’s Rejection

Hope for the Betrayed Heart

Table of contents for From Rejection to Self Esteem

1. From Rejection to Self Esteem Part 1
2. From Rejection to Self Esteem Part 2

Rejection comes to each of us, but we can take steps to heal and move forward with the productive life we deserve and desire.

Many readers have asked for help in dealing with rejection from parents and other relationships. Whether rejection comes from a family member, friend, co-worker, or even a mere stranger, it leaves us with a wide variety of emotions, such as pain and guilt, and questions as to why someone would feel that way about us. Let’s cover several steps that help us to heal and move forward to a happier life.

First, don’t spend a great deal of time questioning why.

Unless the person broke off the relationship due to a major personality flaw on your part which they directly communicated to you as the cause of the rejection — and you already know you need to work on that aspect — quit questioning why. If there was no such communication on the offender’s part, speculation will not help you for the following reason. If the cause was a personality flaw on your part and they were not willing to communicate in such a way as to allow for healing and reconciliation in the relationship, the rejector is not presently, and may never be, in a mental/emotional state to have a long-term, healthy relationship. As it is, it is much more likely, since they were unwilling to communicate in a way as to provide for reconciliation, that the major emotional issues are on their part.

Second, quit being too hard on yourself.

If you are aware of certain mistakes you made that contributed to the rejection, you can always work on changing those behaviors, even getting profession help if needed. However, you must be realistic in accessing your failures. Usually a person who is suffering from rejection is too hard on him or herself, taking more than their share of the blame. Full blame in a relationship failure is never solely due to one person, even if it is something such as the lack of the other person being willing to communicate in such a way that adjustments in the relationship could have been made.

Similar to overcoming depression, you must replace incorrect, harmful thoughts with positive ones.  

Why? Because your thoughts will influence the direction of your life.  A book by Creflo Dollar describes the pattern of our lives very effectively. He describes it this way:

-Your thoughts, whether positive or negative, will create your emotions.
-Those emotions will then influence your decisions.
-Your decisions cause you to take action.
-Actions form habits or your lifestyle.
-Those habits determine your destiny — the final destination of your life.

You can follow the reference to read more about Creflo’s book. Realize now the absolute necessity of not allowing your thoughts of the rejection to continue. If you do, those thoughts  of rejection will produce self-defeating emotions and decisions, leading to destructive lifestyle habits. You will cause your destiny to be directed by a harmful person! Instead, you must choose to change your thoughts to beneficial ones that will direct you to the destiny you desire! (1)

This is Part 1 of a 2 part post.  In Part 2, we will cover several ways to replace thoughts of rejection as well as how to move forward with your life.

(1) Click here to read the article on Determining Your Destiny which lists Creflo’s 8 steps to direct the course of your life to your goals and restoration.

Performing this test will help you determine how much anxiety, fear, and stress are affecting your life, as well as some of the possible root causes. The official name of the test is the Rhomberg neurologic test and it will immediately show if you suffer from low level anxiety syndrome.

Stand with your feet put together. Then stand on your tips toes. Now close your eyes. If you cannot keep your balance once you close your eyes, you have low level anxiety syndrome. People who pass the test and can keep their balance while their eyes are closed will have an anxiety level of 10 during an immediate fearful situation, but the next day be back to level 1. Those with low level anxiety syndrome stay at an anxiety level or 4 or 5 all the time.

You may recognize these other common physical symptoms associated with low level anxiety syndrome.

People with low level anxiety often have numerous allergies. They are also sensitive to scents such as perfumes or newsprint. Caffeine may keep them up all night. In addition, they are usually very sensitive to even small doses of prescription and over-the-counter drugs.

The source of low level anxiety syndrome is holding on to undesirable emotions.

If you didn’t pass the test and realize that you live in a constant state of low level anxiety, evaluate which of the following undesirable emotions are the source of your anxiety. People who are perfectionists often suffer from low level anxiety. Unresolved bitterness, unforgiveness, or jealousy create anxiety. Broken heart issues, physical abuse, poor relationships with parents or siblings, feeling that you must jump through hoops to be accepted are all possible sources of low level anxiety.

Low level anxiety reduces the body’s ability to eliminate toxins, causing a variety of illnesses.

Due to the low level anxiety, cell membranes maintain an unhealthy level of rigidity. The increased rigidity hinders the body’s ability to eliminate toxins, drugs, and xenoestrogens (Xenoestrogens are a chemical common to many dairy and meat products–ones that contain growth hormones–and pesticides. They mimic or “act like” additional estrogen in the body, creating numerous health problems including various types of cancer.).

Illnesses such as chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, ovarian cysts, and fibrocystic cyst disease have their root in the emotions mentioned above that cause low level anxiety.

Bringing resolution to your undesirable emotions is the beginning point for reducing anxiety.

If you are a perfectionist by nature, start allowing yourself to be human. Allow more reasonable time limits for achieving goals. Rather than trying to live at a level higher than the rest of the human race, be happy with the person you are, appreciating that you are a diligent person yet being loving enough to yourself to allow and forgive mistakes.

If deep seated bitterness, unforgiveness, or jealousy is the source of your anxiety, resolution needs to take place. Realize that resolution does not need to involve the other person, as resolution with the other person is often not possible; it takes place within you. For a detailed explanation of this concept, read my post, Forgiveness or Reconciliation: Understanding the Difference.

If you have been through physical abuse, seriously consider seeing a therapist or attending a support group to work through the emotions. If finances are an issue for therapy, shelters for abused women sometimes provide free consulting with therapists.

If you feel that you must “jump through hoops” to be loved, this resolution begins within you, realizing that you are a valuable solely because you exist; your personal value must be based on what God says of you. Since His love is unfailing and unchanging, this keeps your self worth intact even when others do not value you properly. Read through the following posts:
Rejection to Self Esteem Building
Does Love Have to be Earned
A Love that Isn’t Earned
Healing One’s Self Worth

If poor relationships with family are the main source of your anxiety, you may wish to consult with a therapist or pastor for assistance. Also read through the posts:
Healing Through Overcoming Family Past
Forgiveness or Reconciliation: Understanding the Difference.

The details on the Rhomberg Test and Low Level Anxiety Syndrome came from a brochure by Dr. Peter Eckhart, www.womhoo.com .

The link at the end of this post is to the full article, as well as to a video clip of his interview with Dr. Gordon, a rare physician who encourages people with depression to take control of their health by incorporating key natural therapies into a treatment program.

Here are excerpts of the 3 natural treatments for depression from Dr. Mercola’s article. Again, the link to read the full article on his site is below.

1. Optimize Your Diet

One of the best ways to beat depression is with nutritional approaches. This includes taking high-quality, animal-based omega-3 fats daily. Omega-3 fats such as those in krill oil have been found to work just as well as antidepressants in preventing the signs of depression, but without any of the side effects. In fact, throughout my years of medical practice I’ve had large numbers of patients be able to stop their antidepressants once they started taking omega-3 fats…Next, you’ll want to eliminate most sugar and grain from your diet, as these will increase your risk of insulin resistance, which is linked to depression (and diabetes)…

2. Get Moving

A regular exercise program is one of the best things you can do for your mood and mental health. Physical movement works so well because it helps to normalize insulin resistance while boosting “feel good” hormones in your brain. Dr. Gordon says, “What we’re finding in the research on physical exercise is, the physical exercise is at least as good as antidepressants for helping people who are depressed … physical exercise changes the level of serotonin in your brain…”

3. Take Advantage of Mind-Body Approaches to Relieve Stress

Stress is one of the main causes of depression, so you must learn how to manage yours in order to feel better. My favorite method of stress relief is Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), a form of psychological acupressure that you can learn how to do yourself…EFT is far from the only stress-management method out there, though. Many people experience benefits from meditation, journaling, breathing exercises, yoga, or simply sharing their feelings with a close friend. Ideally, pick the method that feels best for you, or combine several methods and rotate them…

Click Here to Read Dr. Mercola’s Full Article. Once on his page, scrolling UP from his article will take you to the video interview with Dr. Gordon.

For more articles on freeing yourself from Depression, click the text link “Depression” in the TAG list just below this article OR in the Tag Cloud of topics in the right column.

People who repeatedly allow themselves to be hurt or harmed by others, physically or emotionally, have difficulty setting boundaries. They bring a continual flow of harm into their lives due to not setting boundaries, or not making clear what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior mainly due to a fear of the other person’s response. They fear the other person’s anger or they even fear hurting the other person’s feelings. Often, the boundaryless person fears hurting the controlling person because of an “over-identification with loss.” He or she hasn’t dealt with their own personal losses, especially those caused by the harmful relationship, so there is an unrealistic, over-emotional response to the thought of hurting the other person. It is a tragic thing to see destruction rule throughout a person’s whole life when restoration and abundance is attainable — all because he or she fears boundary setting will hurt the other person’s feelings. In such cases, pain is a good thing!

First, realize that it is possible to hurt someone’s feelings by “doing what needs to be done” to be responsible with your gift of life.

I’ve referred before to the Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend when discussing relationship issues of this type. You do what you need to do to be responsible with the gift of your life though it may hurt the other person’s feelings. This is not a matter of being inconsiderate. You think through and evaluate how the boundary will likely hurt the other person’s feelings; that’s being empathetic and “taking into account” the other person’s feelings. But you still set the boundaries to stop the harm to your life; otherwise, you are being irresponsible to the gift of your own life. The other person will likely insult you, saying that you are cruel or unforgiving. To purposely hurt someone’s feelings without giving any consideration to the fact that the person will hurt would be wrong (Keep in mind this is exactly what the controlling person is doing when violating your boundaries.), but it is also wrong to not set the boundaries necessary for you to fulfill your God-given destiny with the precious gift of your own life!

In boundary setting, we must recognize there is a clear difference between hurt and harm!

Here is the most wonderfully wise example provided by Cloud and Townsend, pp. 93-94, of the difference between hurt and harm:

When a dentist drilled into your tooth to remove a cavity, did it hurt you? Yes. Did he harm you? No, he improved your health and life. Hurt and harm are different. Did the sugar that gave you the cavity hurt? No, it was enjoyable. Did the sugar harm you? Yes.

Things [such as boundary setting] can hurt a person but not harm them. It is actually good and healthy for the controlling person. On the other hand, things that feel good can be very harmful. (1)

In Scripture, Jesus refers to this as the broad and narrow gate to life principle. The broad gate is the easiest one to go through but it is always the path to sure destruction. You do not avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or anger. Setting boundaries is crucial to living a purpose-filled life.

No one likes to be made aware of their faults, but a wise person, a loving person learns from it.

Proverbs of the wise refer to this, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful (Pr. 27:6).” A friend will “wound” a person he or she loves or cares about when it is necessary for healing and restoration-just like the dentist. On the opposite side, the harmful person pretending that the “pleasantness” –  the easier route of allowing him or her to violate the boundaries of your life – should continue is just like deceitful kisses of an enemy; the seemingly pleasant actions truly hide the destructive purposes and results of those actions. God also urges that we “speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15).” For you to continue to allow the harm, to not to set boundaries and restore a daily, progressive pattern of wellness to your life is to not speak the truth, to not act in love. Avoiding the truth of the situation is possibly just as deceitful to yourself as the other person’s actions — as those “kisses of an enemy” are toward you.

Like a good dentist removing a cavity or a quality surgeon removing a cancer, pain can be a positive thing when it is a temporary step to a restored life!

Yes, pain can be good when it is a step in the process of your restoration. Keep in mind the temporary pain you cause the controlling person or yourself in the process is minute in contrast to the never-ending pain of a destructive, boundaryless life. I’m going to end with this quote from p. 95:“

We need to evaluate the pain our confrontation causes other people. We need to see how this hurt is helpful to others and sometimes the best thing we can do for them and the relationship. We need to evaluate the pain in a positive light.” (1)

(1) Boundaries: When to Say, “Yes,” When to Say, “No,” to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. ISBN # is 0-310-24745-4.