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How much do you live life in the present moment?  Or is your daily life a constant mental battle between past problems and future concerns?

I’ve mentioned that I’ve been reading again through Dr. Richard Carlson’s book, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.”  I wasn’t going to make another reference to it but then I came across the chapter on being present-minded or “living on purpose,” as author, Dawna Markova, also challenges.  The tendency to not live present-minded is such a wide spread mental trap that most people unknowingly fall into — one which literally steals the joy out of life — that I could not deprive you of the opportunity to discuss it again. 

Listen to this quote from Dr. Carlson which aptly describes not living a present-minded life:

We allow past problems and future concerns to dominate our present moments, so much so that we end up anxious, frustrated, depressed, and hopeless.  On the flip side, we also postpone our gratification, our stated priorities, and our happiness, convincing ourselves that “someday” will be better than today.  While we’re busy Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Living without the buffer of a margin in your finances, schedule, and even energy level will cause you to live daily life in an unnecessary state of stress and exhaustion.

What is a margin? 

Dr. Don Colbert defines a margin as “a buffer between feelings of being overwhelmed and feeling at peace (1).”  According to Dr. Richard Swenson in The Overload Syndrome, “a margin is the difference between vitality and exhaustion (1).”  Either way you define a margin, the definition is something anyone would desire in his or her daily life.

What are the typical scenarios of living life without a buffer? 

Schedule-wise, an example is giving yourself only enough time to get ready to leave the house for an appointment so that any phone calls or other unexpected items which require your attention suddenly put you under the stress of possibly being late.  Or, another schedule example without a margin is only leaving with just enough time to arrive for an appointment providing you have a high percentage of green lights and no traffic jams.  

Financially, many people create continual stress and anxiety by Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Unless dealt with, struggles with guilt can hold you back from your goals, dreams, daily positive social interaction, and even physical and spiritual health.

Facing your guilt issues will bring about new avenues of freedom in your life that have long back lacking.  What guilt are you holding on to now?  Guilt does not fill any positive purpose. 

–Holding on to guilt will keep you from pursuing open opportunities to reach your goals and dreams.

Usually you will either fear more failure or feel that you do not deserve the good opportunities.

–Guilt over the past keeps you from positive social interaction. 

It is the same principle as the Law of Attraction.  If you feel that people like you, that you deserve good, and that good will come to you, it subconsciously causes you to interact with people in positive ways; then, due to Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Identifying and releasing underlying causes of anger and resentment are a necessary part of personal growth.

Fellow SelfGrowth.com expert, Cassandra Lee– speaker, coach, and author– posted an article describing her personal technique of dealing with resentment and anger.  I wanted to share a few excerpts from the article with you as well as give you a link to the full article.

Ms. Lee describes the need to analyze your actions, discover the source, and confront the issue at hand for resolution.

In her article, Ms. Lee describes a situation with a friend that caused her anger and resentment.  The friend was unaware that his actions created these negatives, but in Ms. Lee’s mind, the situation grew until, when she saw him 2 days later, she treated him so coldly that they did not speak to each other for a month.  This is a quote about her technique to deal with resentment and anger: Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, one of my favorite authors, recently appeared as a guest speaker in “The 2010 Family.”series by Bill Hybel. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” and “Safe People.”

This is a continuation of a 2 part post. If you missed Part 1, use the above series link.

These are paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s question and answer session on some of life’s toughest relationship questions. Please use the link below to watch or listen to the full video or audio. The insights will greatly benefit yourself, your friends, and family.

5. With regard to blended families and step families, how can a parent continue a close relationship with a child who is living with the other re-married parent and both parental roles are already being fulfilled in the child’s life?

This is a painful scenario and there is no way to go through this without feeling some loss. However, the first important step is to remove from your thoughts the concept of “either/or” because you are both in the child’s life. You don’t have control of when you are not there, but you do have 100% control of the relationship you have when you are together with your child. First, if you are nurturing, warm, and positive and do great stuff together, yet have requirements and expectations that he live by your rules, even if the other parent is a non-structure type, kids deep down eventually gravitate toward structure. You will face fights and some “prodigal son” moments, but continue to be the best person you can be in regards to loving and discipline. The child will develop an attachment to you based on that.

The second important point is don’t poison the other relationship with the step parent or the one with your ex. You want the child to have as many Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Do your worries cause you to react or do you overcome fear by being creatively proactive?

You can choose to respond to fearful situations in ways other than panic, being withdrawn, or some other solely, defensive protective mode. You have the option of choosing not to react to your fear, letting it manipulate you, but to think creatively, outside of the box, and discover responses that will actually enhance your life.

A recent study of the economy illustrates that most people react to fear instead of being creatively proactive.

The present economic situation in the US has affected all kinds of businesses, large and small. One of the categories of institutions largely affected is charitable organizations. Statistician George Barna of the Barna Group recently posted 3 articles with the results of his year long study of how the economy affected churches and other non-profit organizations, as well as how the churches responded to the fearful economic situation.

What stood out to me was Barna’s comments that most churches responded, in my terminology, by reacting to the economy, rather than seeing opportunities to respond creatively and actually enhance their situation and the lives of the people in their communities. Many churches adjusted budgets, cut spending, and cut staff. While it is the right thing to do to re-evaluate the budget and eliminate unnecessary spending, Barna notes, “For the most part, church leaders seem to have been in a hunker-down mode, attempting to get through the tough economy…”, a protective fear response. Similar to most people in fearful situations Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Bill Hybels is running a series called, “The 2010 Family.”

Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, one of my favorite authors and one frequently quoted on this site, appeared as a guest speaker in “The 2010 Family” series. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” and “Safe People.”

Here are some paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s question and answer session on some of life’s toughest relationship questions. We’ll do this in a 2 part post.  Please use the link below to watch or listen to the full video or audio.

1. Where do you draw the line between tough love and unconditional love?

There is a problem with this term of “drawing the line.” When we look at God’s personality, His expectations are done in ways that are perfectly loving and honest so He never has to “draw the line” due to having gone too far down an enabling, co-dependent road. With parents, too often we have let the child go too long down a path without consequences until it is at a point where harm will come to them if he (or she does) not get control of himself. It should never get to this point, but if it does, it should be done in a loving way.

As for child discipline, in this culture people often say, “Don’t say ‘No’ to your child; give them choices.” As an adult, one runs into ‘No’s,’ with speed limits, job requirements, etc. Our job as parents is to arrange situations in a way that when they make good decisions then good things happen and when they make bad decisions bad things happen. The goal is to transfer self control to the child. They should grow to the point of being in charge of themselves and feeling, “Oh, I better do it this way so something uncomfortable does not happen.” …we must take a stance that requires them to step into maturity so they are in control and we can finally delegate that job to them.

2. How do you address character issues in marriage? How do you let a spouse know you want more from a relationship without making them feel like a bad spouse?

In response to the first part of the question, most problems are the same in every marriage whether or not it is a good marriage, unless something strange is going on. It is how it is handled that makes the difference. Research shows that you can predict divorce in couples by 90% accuracy if couples (1) are judgmental, critical in giving feedback to each other instead of problem solving and (2) if they have a lot of contempt for the spouse. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Leisurely

When you look at your life, is your lifestyle one of true enjoyment, solely maintenance, or survivable chaos?

I mentioned recently about the need to “plan for life,” especially when life’s responsibilities appear to be squeezing your dreams out of the picture and life becomes a process solely of maintenance. However, I have been reminded how easy it is for people to believe their lifestyles are intended to be chaotic to be fulfilling.

My spouse has been doing business for the past year with a couple whose lives are in a constant state of chaos — by choice. The one person’s personality lends to feeling that this state of chaos is necessary for a fulfilling life. Both of them, being in a religious environment, either consciously or subconsciously believe that this state of “chaos” is a matter of religious sacrifice or higher calling. Working in religious fields, I’ve seen this concept too often in religious people, and unknowingly lived by that philosophy myself in my 20’s and 30’s. The effects of this barely tolerable lifestyle are already becoming visible in their business decisions, as time for restful meditation is lacking, and in their kids.

If your lifestyle is not one of true enjoyment, the mental perspective needs to be engrained that a healthy, restful way of life is intended by design and necessary for fulfillment. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Impassioned

How much does guilt and self rejection hold you back from what is most important to you in life?

Do guilty feelings keep you from confidence, happiness, and success? Feelings of guilt or self rejection will usually hold you back from most of what you desire out of life unless you choose to change those mindsets, restoring your confidence and self esteem.

I have been enjoying a book by Brennan Manning called, Abba’s Child; it was a recent gift from a friend. In the beginning of the book, he discusses his own path to overcoming shame and self rejection. He is aware that his own past experiences are so common in the human experience that many people will benefit from the results of his journey to self acceptance and value.

One of the main behaviors that cause a person to live with guilt and self rejection is the habit of projecting his or her feelings of self onto God.

The emotional weight is great when one feels shame or self disapproval of past choices, decisions, or just the person that you are. How much greater is that weight when one convinces himself that his Heavenly Father, his Creator, the most phenomenal being in the universe thinks all the same negative, condemning thoughts about him? Yet, this is a typical thought pattern in the human experience, though we are usually unaware that this is what we are doing.

Usually included in these projected thoughts is the idea that life’s good and bad times signal God’s approval or rejection.

As Manning says, it is easy to feel loved by God when life is going well, all your support systems are in place Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Leisurely

If you are a giver and your giving has left yourself in need, it is time to re-prioritize.

In actuality, all the people you love, those that you have expended yourself to help and sacrificed your own well-being, will be better off after you re-focus on self help! This article by fellow SelfGrowth.com professional, Lori Snyder, covers 10 basic steps for getting back to daily care for yourself.

Lori admits that she herself was so busy with everyone else’s needs that she sidelined her own needs, only to discover that the reality was, by neglecting her own needs and not meeting them first, she was not able to give her best to those she loves. These are brief excerpts from Ms. Snyder’s article. Use the link in the footnote below to read the full article.

1. Start each day filled with gratitude for all that you are…Appreciate the beauty all around you. [I would suggest, at the beginning, to make a list of self appreciation points. If you’ve neglected yourself for a long time, it will be difficult at the beginning to really focus on your own value.]

2. Count your blessings for the people who you love and who love you…They all come, and some go, for a reason.

3. Take a moment of silence for yourself to meditate, and think about what your needs of the day are, and what you would like to accomplish.

4. Be mindful of your health, and incorporate a wellness schedule into your week. Exercise, eat healthy, get enough rest.

5. Look at your goals sheet quickly each week, and evaluate how you are doing with them. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Gratifying

Do you feel that you effectively handle the loss of a loved one?

During a time of loss and grieving, what you choose to focus on will determine how effectively you transition to life without that person. I once read of a study on people who lived to be over 100. The only common factor discovered in that particular study was their ability to go on after tragedy and still find life worth living. Since stress and negative thoughts are physically damaging as well as emotionally, it is easy to see how this would be true. There is no doubt that times of loss involve grieving over the separation. There are a variety of psychological stages one goes through during grief. However, the choice of your focus drastically affects the effectiveness of your transition.

Choosing to focus on the aspects of that person which brought joy to your life is important to your well-being.

Instead of focusing on the traumatic circumstances which took place in the physical realm that caused you to lose that person, choose to live out your life rejoicing in the positive input that person had into your life. Meditate on the various joys that person brought to you. Rejoice that your life was fuller because of those joys. Rejoice that you are a better person because of those experiences.

The next step in effectively transitioning through a time of loss is realizing the source of those joys you experienced.

This week was one of high stress for our family as I almost lost my father to 3 severe intestinal bugs that he contracted while visiting the sick in hospitals, hospices, and nursing homes the week before Thanksgiving. Visiting the sick and elderly has always been a major focus of my father’s life. I was reminded of an experience Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Leisurely

Do you have a clear perspective of daily being grateful for the life you are now living—in spite of any unreached goals—and for what you already possess?  Or do you become easily disgruntled due to comparing your life and possessions with those of others’?

The other day I read an illustrated lesson for children on thankfulness in which the teacher had hidden various amounts of candy under the students’ chairs in the classroom. As the children came in and sat down, they settled in for the day’s lesson, content in their present circumstances, having nothing extra beyond that with which they entered the room. After the teacher announced that there was candy hidden under each chair, the students immediately became discontent upon discovering that the amounts of candy were not the same. The main points the teacher drew out for the students’ from that experience were:

1. Each student was content when he or she came in the classroom, having only the things that were already in their possession. They could have easily continued to be content by being grateful solely for what they already had.

2. When the students’ compared the varying amounts of candy they had received, they were immediately discontent; yet, each of them now possessed more than when they came in the room. Each of them could have felt appreciation for the fact that they had received a gift and had more than they did a few moments before.

When you start the comparison game between your life and the lives of others Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Gratifying

Though most everyone is aware of the old expression, acting on it truly empowers your life.

Like the old expression of whether a glass is half full or half empty, how you daily perceive your life, as either half full or half empty, will determine whether you empower yourself to succeed and be happy or drain the very life force (energy-wise) from your day-to-day existence.

Grasping the urgency of this concept can be a key factor to restoration.

I have been recently talking with a friend who has not yet grasped the urgency of this concept in bringing restoration to his life.  He was in a very abusive family relationship. The controlling, self-motivated spouse lived a destructive lifestyle that deeply affected every member of that family. Eventually, even the children as they became adults began to adopt many of her user/abuser behavior traits. Eventually, my friend’s life came completely crashing down around him with the loss of his physical and emotional health, self worth, career, and financial stability. He has been out of the household for about 8 months, though career issues and financial problems caused by the relationship aren’t remedied by a geographic change. The effects from the amount of time – 20 years – in such a abusive relationship are not easily or quickly corrected. Yet, day after day, my friend beats himself down in his thoughts by focusing on what has not yet been restored, i.e. a healthy family setting, new career, and freedom from debt.

By focusing on the “half full” in his journey to restoration, my friend could be living in a state of joy that would bring energy, creativity, vision, motivation, and awareness of good opportunities to his daily life.

Those of us around him can rejoice in the tremendous healings that have visibly taken place: his physical health is doing well, his personality and sense of humor have returned, he has free time/personal time, he is now surrounded by people who deeply love and support him instead of drain him and abuse him. These aspects alone would bring great consolation to many people who are in situations needing improvement. It could to him, too, if he would only allow it.

The decision to focus on what is not yet resolved will drain the life force from anyone’s day, making difficult any type of effectiveness and clarity of perception. In addition, staying focused on the problem causes you to only see the problem, not the solutions.

Look at these examples of life benefits from focusing on the “half full.”

The decision to focus on the “half full” part of my friend’s life would: Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Gratifying

Is your life focus right now on the main problem area of your life?

What is that controlling area? A job, finances, marriage, other personal relationships, health? Though we must give attention to the problem area if it is going to improve, it is healthier and more effective to be focused on completeness or wholeness than give the totality of your attention to a problem.

Since the beginning of creation, God’s desire for mankind is to be complete.

At the beginning of creation, all was in perfection and harmony. Everything mankind needed was readily available. Yes, man’s rebellion brought devastation, but God still desires for your life to return to a state of wholeness or completeness, and so should you.

Look at this greeting out of Scripture:

1Sam. 25:6 And say this, “May all be well for you: peace be to you and your house and all you have.”

We are to speak the desire for all to be well in others’ lives; certainly, we should speak and desire it over our own lives.

Let’s take a more in depth look with this quote:

Jer.33:9 They will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide.

God speaks here of people being in awe, both mentally and physically at the prosperity and peace He provides for His people. Sounds simple, but, as I’ve mentioned before, much is lost in the translation to English. Look at the depth and expanse of completeness in life (or wholeness — whichever term is easier for you to envision) that is intended to be ours: Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Leisurely

We all know that the people we love are more important than any thing or event or responsibility in life.

Though we all know this fact, more often than not we allow life’s busyness to override that knowledge, pushing aside the priorities that are the utmost in importance. I decided this week to check in on a few of my favorite blog authors. I stopped by one of the sites run by Jennifer Jones, a Psychologist and Mental Health Counselor, called The Art of Love and Intimacy. She recently lost her brother to cancer.

Jennifer put up a post very effectively reminding us all of what is important in life, “Love Your Beloved…Let go of the unimportant.”

I’m putting an excerpt here from her post, but please use the link below to read it in full. It is a valuable reminder that we do not hear enough!

It is these very difficult times in life, when we remember what is really important. What is important is not our home, our position, our possessions; it is not who wins a fight, has picked up the laundry, or taken out the trash.

What is important is our loved ones. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »