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Tags: apprehension, controlling thoughts, emotional healing, emotional health, fear, personal growth

Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 1

February 19th, 2010

Table of contents for Relationship Issues Q&A

Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 1

Bill Hybels is running a series called, “The 2010 Family.”

Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, one of my favorite authors and one frequently quoted on this site, appeared as a guest speaker in “The 2010 Family” series. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” and “Safe People.”

Here are some paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s question and answer session on some of life’s toughest relationship questions. We’ll do this in a 2 part post. Please use the link below to watch or listen to the full video or audio.

1. Where do you draw the line between tough love and unconditional love?

There is a problem with this term of “drawing the line.” When we look at God’s personality, His expectations are done in ways that are perfectly loving and honest so He never has to “draw the line” due to having gone too far down an enabling, co-dependent road. With parents, too often we have let the child go too long down a path without consequences until it is at a point where harm will come to them if he (or she does) not get control of himself. It should never get to this point, but if it does, it should be done in a loving way.

As for child discipline, in this culture people often say, “Don’t say ‘No’ to your child; give them choices.” As an adult, one runs into ‘No’s,’ with speed limits, job requirements, etc. Our job as parents is to arrange situations in a way that when they make good decisions then good things happen and when they make bad decisions bad things happen. The goal is to transfer self control to the child. They should grow to the point of being in charge of themselves and feeling, “Oh, I better do it this way so something uncomfortable does not happen.” …we must take a stance that requires them to step into maturity so they are in control and we can finally delegate that job to them.

2. How do you address character issues in marriage? How do you let a spouse know you want more from a relationship without making them feel like a bad spouse?

In response to the first part of the question, most problems are the same in every marriage whether or not it is a good marriage, unless something strange is going on. It is how it is handled that makes the difference. Research shows that you can predict divorce in couples by 90% accuracy if couples (1) are judgmental, critical in giving feedback to each other instead of problem solving and (2) if they have a lot of contempt for the spouse. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: boundaries, discouragement, emotional baggage, emotional healing, emotional health, failure, family, guilt, personal growth, relationships, resentment

Posted in Reader's Questions | No Comments »

Lifestyle: Enjoyable or Tolerable?

February 7th, 2010

Reading Level: Leisurely

When you look at your life, is your lifestyle one of true enjoyment, solely maintenance, or survivable chaos?

I mentioned recently about the need to “plan for life,” especially when life’s responsibilities appear to be squeezing your dreams out of the picture and life becomes a process solely of maintenance. However, I have been reminded how easy it is for people to believe their lifestyles are intended to be chaotic to be fulfilling.

My spouse has been doing business for the past year with a couple whose lives are in a constant state of chaos — by choice. The one person’s personality lends to feeling that this state of chaos is necessary for a fulfilling life. Both of them, being in a religious environment, either consciously or subconsciously believe that this state of “chaos” is a matter of religious sacrifice or higher calling. Working in religious fields, I’ve seen this concept too often in religious people, and unknowingly lived by that philosophy myself in my 20’s and 30’s. The effects of this barely tolerable lifestyle are already becoming visible in their business decisions, as time for restful meditation is lacking, and in their kids.

If your lifestyle is not one of true enjoyment, the mental perspective needs to be engrained that a healthy, restful way of life is intended by design and necessary for fulfillment. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: abundance, emotional health, goals, joy, peace, personal growth, physical health, wellness, wholeness

Guilty Feelings to Self Esteem

January 16th, 2010

Reading Level: Impassioned

How much does guilt and self rejection hold you back from what is most important to you in life?

Do guilty feelings keep you from confidence, happiness, and success? Feelings of guilt or self rejection will usually hold you back from most of what you desire out of life unless you choose to change those mindsets, restoring your confidence and self esteem.

I have been enjoying a book by Brennan Manning called, Abba’s Child; it was a recent gift from a friend. In the beginning of the book, he discusses his own path to overcoming shame and self rejection. He is aware that his own past experiences are so common in the human experience that many people will benefit from the results of his journey to self acceptance and value.

One of the main behaviors that cause a person to live with guilt and self rejection is the habit of projecting his or her feelings of self onto God.

The emotional weight is great when one feels shame or self disapproval of past choices, decisions, or just the person that you are. How much greater is that weight when one convinces himself that his Heavenly Father, his Creator, the most phenomenal being in the universe thinks all the same negative, condemning thoughts about him? Yet, this is a typical thought pattern in the human experience, though we are usually unaware that this is what we are doing.

Usually included in these projected thoughts is the idea that life’s good and bad times signal God’s approval or rejection.

As Manning says, it is easy to feel loved by God when life is going well, all your support systems are in place Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: discouragement, dreams, emotional baggage, emotional healing, emotional health, failure, Father God, goals, God's love, guilt, projection, rejection, self esteem, self worth

Posted in Reader's Questions | No Comments »

Getting Back to a Self Help Priority

January 7th, 2010

Reading Level: Leisurely

If you are a giver and your giving has left yourself in need, it is time to re-prioritize.

In actuality, all the people you love, those that you have expended yourself to help and sacrificed your own well-being, will be better off after you re-focus on self help! This article by fellow SelfGrowth.com professional, Lori Snyder, covers 10 basic steps for getting back to daily care for yourself.

Lori admits that she herself was so busy with everyone else’s needs that she sidelined her own needs, only to discover that the reality was, by neglecting her own needs and not meeting them first, she was not able to give her best to those she loves. These are brief excerpts from Ms. Snyder’s article. Use the link in the footnote below to read the full article.

1. Start each day filled with gratitude for all that you are…Appreciate the beauty all around you. [I would suggest, at the beginning, to make a list of self appreciation points. If you’ve neglected yourself for a long time, it will be difficult at the beginning to really focus on your own value.]

2. Count your blessings for the people who you love and who love you…They all come, and some go, for a reason.

3. Take a moment of silence for yourself to meditate, and think about what your needs of the day are, and what you would like to accomplish.

4. Be mindful of your health, and incorporate a wellness schedule into your week. Exercise, eat healthy, get enough rest.

5. Look at your goals sheet quickly each week, and evaluate how you are doing with them. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: boundaries, decisions, emotional health, family, guilt, personal growth, relationships, resentment, self esteem, self worth, wellness, wholeness, wisdom

Remembering the Best in Times of Loss

December 6th, 2009

Reading Level: Gratifying

Do you feel that you effectively handle the loss of a loved one?

During a time of loss and grieving, what you choose to focus on will determine how effectively you transition to life without that person. I once read of a study on people who lived to be over 100. The only common factor discovered in that particular study was their ability to go on after tragedy and still find life worth living. Since stress and negative thoughts are physically damaging as well as emotionally, it is easy to see how this would be true. There is no doubt that times of loss involve grieving over the separation. There are a variety of psychological stages one goes through during grief. However, the choice of your focus drastically affects the effectiveness of your transition.

Choosing to focus on the aspects of that person which brought joy to your life is important to your well-being.

Instead of focusing on the traumatic circumstances which took place in the physical realm that caused you to lose that person, choose to live out your life rejoicing in the positive input that person had into your life. Meditate on the various joys that person brought to you. Rejoice that your life was fuller because of those joys. Rejoice that you are a better person because of those experiences.

The next step in effectively transitioning through a time of loss is realizing the source of those joys you experienced.

This week was one of high stress for our family as I almost lost my father to 3 severe intestinal bugs that he contracted while visiting the sick in hospitals, hospices, and nursing homes the week before Thanksgiving. Visiting the sick and elderly has always been a major focus of my father’s life. I was reminded of an experience Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: comfort, crisis, depression, emotional healing, emotional health, emotional pain, grief

Be Grateful and Enjoy the Benefits

November 14th, 2009

Reading Level: Leisurely

Do you have a clear perspective of daily being grateful for the life you are now living—in spite of any unreached goals—and for what you already possess? Or do you become easily disgruntled due to comparing your life and possessions with those of others’?

The other day I read an illustrated lesson for children on thankfulness in which the teacher had hidden various amounts of candy under the students’ chairs in the classroom. As the children came in and sat down, they settled in for the day’s lesson, content in their present circumstances, having nothing extra beyond that with which they entered the room. After the teacher announced that there was candy hidden under each chair, the students immediately became discontent upon discovering that the amounts of candy were not the same. The main points the teacher drew out for the students’ from that experience were:

1. Each student was content when he or she came in the classroom, having only the things that were already in their possession. They could have easily continued to be content by being grateful solely for what they already had.

2. When the students’ compared the varying amounts of candy they had received, they were immediately discontent; yet, each of them now possessed more than when they came in the room. Each of them could have felt appreciation for the fact that they had received a gift and had more than they did a few moments before.

When you start the comparison game between your life and the lives of others Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: abundance, blessing, controlling thoughts, emotional health, positive thinking, wholeness

Do You See Life as Half Full or Half Empty?

October 14th, 2009

Reading Level: Gratifying

Though most everyone is aware of the old expression, acting on it truly empowers your life.

Like the old expression of whether a glass is half full or half empty, how you daily perceive your life, as either half full or half empty, will determine whether you empower yourself to succeed and be happy or drain the very life force (energy-wise) from your day-to-day existence.

Grasping the urgency of this concept can be a key factor to restoration.

I have been recently talking with a friend who has not yet grasped the urgency of this concept in bringing restoration to his life. He was in a very abusive family relationship. The controlling, self-motivated spouse lived a destructive lifestyle that deeply affected every member of that family. Eventually, even the children as they became adults began to adopt many of her user/abuser behavior traits. Eventually, my friend’s life came completely crashing down around him with the loss of his physical and emotional health, self worth, career, and financial stability. He has been out of the household for about 8 months, though career issues and financial problems caused by the relationship aren’t remedied by a geographic change. The effects from the amount of time – 20 years – in such a abusive relationship are not easily or quickly corrected. Yet, day after day, my friend beats himself down in his thoughts by focusing on what has not yet been restored, i.e. a healthy family setting, new career, and freedom from debt.

By focusing on the “half full” in his journey to restoration, my friend could be living in a state of joy that would bring energy, creativity, vision, motivation, and awareness of good opportunities to his daily life.

Those of us around him can rejoice in the tremendous healings that have visibly taken place: his physical health is doing well, his personality and sense of humor have returned, he has free time/personal time, he is now surrounded by people who deeply love and support him instead of drain him and abuse him. These aspects alone would bring great consolation to many people who are in situations needing improvement. It could to him, too, if he would only allow it.

The decision to focus on what is not yet resolved will drain the life force from anyone’s day, making difficult any type of effectiveness and clarity of perception. In addition, staying focused on the problem causes you to only see the problem, not the solutions.

Look at these examples of life benefits from focusing on the “half full.”

The decision to focus on the “half full” part of my friend’s life would: Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: abundance, controlling thoughts, emotional health, peace, positive thinking, restoration, self esteem, self worth, wellness, wisdom

Reach to be Complete

October 2nd, 2009

Reading Level: Gratifying

Is your life focus right now on the main problem area of your life?

What is that controlling area? A job, finances, marriage, other personal relationships, health? Though we must give attention to the problem area if it is going to improve, it is healthier and more effective to be focused on completeness or wholeness than give the totality of your attention to a problem.

Since the beginning of creation, God’s desire for mankind is to be complete.

At the beginning of creation, all was in perfection and harmony. Everything mankind needed was readily available. Yes, man’s rebellion brought devastation, but God still desires for your life to return to a state of wholeness or completeness, and so should you.

Look at this greeting out of Scripture:

1Sam. 25:6 And say this, “May all be well for you: peace be to you and your house and all you have.”

We are to speak the desire for all to be well in others’ lives; certainly, we should speak and desire it over our own lives.

Let’s take a more in depth look with this quote:

Jer.33:9 They will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide.

God speaks here of people being in awe, both mentally and physically at the prosperity and peace He provides for His people. Sounds simple, but, as I’ve mentioned before, much is lost in the translation to English. Look at the depth and expanse of completeness in life (or wholeness — whichever term is easier for you to envision) that is intended to be ours: Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: blessing, destiny, emotional health, encouragement, goals, positive thinking, prosperity, success, wellness, wholeness, wisdom

Cherishing the Ones You Love

September 9th, 2009

Reading Level: Leisurely

We all know that the people we love are more important than any thing or event or responsibility in life.

Though we all know this fact, more often than not we allow life’s busyness to override that knowledge, pushing aside the priorities that are the utmost in importance. I decided this week to check in on a few of my favorite blog authors. I stopped by one of the sites run by Jennifer Jones, a Psychologist and Mental Health Counselor, called The Art of Love and Intimacy. She recently lost her brother to cancer.

Jennifer put up a post very effectively reminding us all of what is important in life, “Love Your Beloved…Let go of the unimportant.”

I’m putting an excerpt here from her post, but please use the link below to read it in full. It is a valuable reminder that we do not hear enough!

It is these very difficult times in life, when we remember what is really important. What is important is not our home, our position, our possessions; it is not who wins a fight, has picked up the laundry, or taken out the trash.

What is important is our loved ones. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: emotional health, family, personal growth, relationships, wholeness

Cultivating an Environment of Self Esteem

August 25th, 2009

Reading Level: Leisurely

Do your efforts to maintain your self esteem cultivate an environment of self worth or defeat for those around you?

Some of the most difficult people with whom to maintain healthy long-term relationships are those who feel that every conflict of opinion is an opportunity to prove that they are “right,” rather than come to a mutual understanding of other people’s points of views. Every disagreement instantly puts them into a “challenge to win” mode, which, unfortunately for the people in the relationships around them, means someone else must first lose. Another person is never allowed to have a different way of doing something because this person’s way is always better, as far as he or she is concerned. We cannot always avoid this type of person, as they may be a required part of the environment at work, home, or other frequented social settings. Today, however, let’s look at this in a more personal way.

Ask yourself, “Am I the type of person whose determination to always win produces an environment of defeat for other people?” Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: emotional health, family, JoelOsteen.com, personal growth, positive thinking, relationships, self esteem, self worth, wholeness

Peace of Mind

August 21st, 2009

Reading Level: Impassioned

We each go through times in life in which peace of mind is a little more of a struggle to maintain.

As I was going through journal notes this morning from the past several months, I came across several quotes on peace that I thought I’d share with you. This is an unusual type of post for this blog. My desire is that these points will help to solidify your peace of mind when fear tries to rob it. Following most quotes, I’ll have some comments to ensure the steps for attaining peace are as clear as possible.

Peace of Mind Begins by Your Communication with God Controlling Your Thought Life.

Col. 3:15 Let the peace of Christ continually act as umpire in your hearts, settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds…and be thankful, giving praise.

God encourages us in this quote to allow His peace to umpire the fearful thoughts that battle in your mind. When faced with fear, one has a choice to let the fears in his mind run rampant, or allow God’s peace to put those questions and fears to rest with finality. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: comfort, discouragement, emotional health, encouragement, fear, God's love, meditation, peace, positive thinking, stress, worry

Bad Day Recovery Plan

August 13th, 2009

Reading Level: Leisurely

There is no need to stay stuck in the misery of a bad day.

I cam across a very practical, helpful article by psychologist and life coach Melissa McCreery with tips to move on from the guilt, anger, hurt, or frustrations of a bad day and get back to the peace and productivity of a positive mindset.

Ms. McCreery says that the secret to thriving is learning how to move forward in spite of bad days.

Here are some excerpts of from Melissa’s article, “How to Recover from a Bad Day:”

1. Give yourself permission to have a bad day. Stop beating yourself up so that you can move on. Let go of blame and guilt, realizing that a bad day does not mean you failed.

2. Ask, “What will I need to let go of to do move on?” You must be willing to stop beating yourself up, feeling miserable (or hurt or angry), drowning your sorrows, or feeling victimized.

3. Decide what do you want to move on TO? How do you want things to be? How do you want to feel? What do you want your mindset or mental attitude to be?

4. Take a look in the mirror at your posture and facial expressions; make sure you aren’t still carrying your bad day with you. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: anger, anxiety, controlling thoughts, emotional health, guilt, personal growth, positive thinking, wellness

Controlled Generosity

August 9th, 2009

Reading Level: Gratifying

These sound like incompatible terms, but the reality is that healthy generosity will not leave you unhealthy and burned out because it is controlled by wisdom.

Generous people are often compulsive givers, quickly responding to the needs around them, even to their own detriment. It does not take too many years of a lifestyle of compulsive giving to leave one wondering why — when he (or she) has been such a good, caring person — he is struggling with exhaustion and resentment. Ever catch yourself wondering, “How can my life be so miserable and out of control when all I have done is spent my life helping people in need?” People with generous spirits often burn out due to not having healthy generosity. No, not all generosity is healthy; just as with every other area of your life, it must be controlled by wisdom.

A generous person who is also a religious person tends to be more readily trapped into a lifestyle of unhealthy, unwise giving.

As I have mentioned in prior posts, the life of a religious person that is unhappy and out of balance is often due to childhood teaching that is based on religious tradition rather than the truth of Scripture. Let’s look at a quote on giving that is frequently misunderstood due to religious tradition.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus. Phil. 2:3-5

This quote is used by religious tradition to promote a life of self abasement, or self neglect, when, in actuality, it is promoting a lifestyle of balance in the attitude of giving. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: boundaries, boundary violations, compliant personality, emotional health, guilt, relationships, wellness, wholeness, wisdom

Choose Your Thoughts, Choose Your Well-Being

June 28th, 2009

Reading Level: Leisurely

Regardless of the stresses you are facing, you have the power to choose your thoughts and, as a result, choose your well-being.

It may seem an illogical and impossible statement, but it is truth none-the-less. Regardless of your circumstances, you choose your thoughts, and subsequently, your state of mind and personal well-being. People throughout history have proven it true, usually in circumstances far worse than what most of us will ever experience.

One of my favorite examples is Dr. Viktor E. Frankl, whom I have mentioned before. He is an Austrian Jew who was sent to a concentration camp with his family during World War II.

We who lived in concentration camps can remember men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms-to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances. Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor E. Frankl

Whatever circumstances you are presently you going through, any situations you may yet face, Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: anxiety, controlling thoughts, Dr. Viktor E Frankl, emotional health, emotional pain, personal growth, positive thinking, stress, wholeness, wisdom