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Tags: boundaries, boundary violations, compliant personality, emotional pain, family, guilt, personal growth, relationships, resentment, stress

Remembering the Best in Times of Loss

December 6th, 2009

Reading Level: Gratifying

Do you feel that you effectively handle the loss of a loved one?

During a time of loss and grieving, what you choose to focus on will determine how effectively you transition to life without that person. I once read of a study on people who lived to be over 100. The only common factor discovered in that particular study was their ability to go on after tragedy and still find life worth living. Since stress and negative thoughts are physically damaging as well as emotionally, it is easy to see how this would be true. There is no doubt that times of loss involve grieving over the separation. There are a variety of psychological stages one goes through during grief. However, the choice of your focus drastically affects the effectiveness of your transition.

Choosing to focus on the aspects of that person which brought joy to your life is important to your well-being.

Instead of focusing on the traumatic circumstances which took place in the physical realm that caused you to lose that person, choose to live out your life rejoicing in the positive input that person had into your life. Meditate on the various joys that person brought to you. Rejoice that your life was fuller because of those joys. Rejoice that you are a better person because of those experiences.

The next step in effectively transitioning through a time of loss is realizing the source of those joys you experienced.

This week was one of high stress for our family as I almost lost my father to 3 severe intestinal bugs that he contracted while visiting the sick in hospitals, hospices, and nursing homes the week before Thanksgiving. Visiting the sick and elderly has always been a major focus of my father’s life. I was reminded of an experience Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: comfort, crisis, depression, emotional healing, emotional health, emotional pain, grief

Posted in Personal Reflections | No Comments »

Choose Your Thoughts, Choose Your Well-Being

June 28th, 2009

Reading Level: Leisurely

Regardless of the stresses you are facing, you have the power to choose your thoughts and, as a result, choose your well-being.

It may seem an illogical and impossible statement, but it is truth none-the-less. Regardless of your circumstances, you choose your thoughts, and subsequently, your state of mind and personal well-being. People throughout history have proven it true, usually in circumstances far worse than what most of us will ever experience.

One of my favorite examples is Dr. Viktor E. Frankl, whom I have mentioned before. He is an Austrian Jew who was sent to a concentration camp with his family during World War II.

We who lived in concentration camps can remember men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms-to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances. Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor E. Frankl

Whatever circumstances you are presently you going through, any situations you may yet face, Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: anxiety, controlling thoughts, Dr. Viktor E Frankl, emotional health, emotional pain, personal growth, positive thinking, stress, wholeness, wisdom

Posted in 2 Minute Reflections | No Comments »

Spiritual Guidelines to Stay Free

April 8th, 2009

Table of contents for Freeing Yourself from Abusive Relationships

Practical Steps to Free Yourself
Spiritual Guidelines to Stay Free

Reading Level: Gratifying

Those in abusive relationships frequently live in a state of confusion and hopelessness or blaming God for not helping them because they are unable to identify why continual destruction takes place in their lives.

Unfortunately, one is usually unaware of how his daily choices, lack of boundaries, and violating of spiritual and natural laws open the doors for harm to repeatedly come to him. Today I want to help you identify areas of your life that may be “opening the door” to harm in your circumstances and relationships. If you can begin seeing where you are violating spiritual boundaries or guidelines that God set up for your own protection, you can avoid the pitfalls, protect your life, and fulfill your destiny.

A person who continually faces destruction in his life often feels that he is being loving “like God” by giving in to controlling people and not having boundaries to protect his life and destiny.

This person often becomes bitter and blames God for the hardships he or she is suffering, but it is not God that has caused these things. God is not just “loving,” He IS Iove itself. There is a difference. He is perfect love and His perfect love includes boundaries, natural and spiritual laws, correction, and justice for the sake of our protection and well-being. To have real love and beneficial results in one’s daily life and relationships, you must implement God’s type of love, a real love that has boundaries and protection built into it.

A person would not blame God for self-imposed harm that came to someone who chose to violate the laws of nature. Yet, whether or not you implement spiritual laws for daily relationships is also a decision to avoid or cause self-imposed harm.

Here is an illustration. If someone chooses to violate the natural law of gravity by jumping off a skyscraper and bringing destruction to his or her physical body, you would not blame God for the result of their choice. God did not do it to them. The person chose to violate a natural law and it resulted in personal harm. God lists in Scripture many practical, daily guidelines (I’m going to call them spiritual laws as compared to laws of nature), which are given to help us be wise in our relationships with people, particularly those who are controlling or potentially harmful to us. People often violate these laws for one of three reasons:

–A lack of knowledge. They have never received instruction on the subject.

–They know about them but mistakenly feel that compromise is a loving choice because it is what the controlling person wants them to do.

–The person is so worn out by surrounding themselves with “leech” type people instead of giving people that they do not have the strength to fight for their personal rights, well-being, and fulfillment of destiny.

By stating the following spiritual guidelines as what should be avoided, it will be easier for you to identify if you already have violations of these spiritual guidelines affecting your relationships with people, and make changes necessary to bring restoration to your life. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: boundaries, boundary violations, compliant personality, destiny, emotional baggage, emotional healing, emotional health, emotional pain, family, guilt, personal growth, relationships, restoration, wholeness

Practical Steps to Free Yourself

April 4th, 2009

Table of contents for Freeing Yourself from Abusive Relationships

Practical Steps to Free Yourself
Spiritual Guidelines to Stay Free

Reading Level: Gratifying

Have you ever wished for a plan of action to get out of the abusive relationships in your life?

There is a step by step plan in an exceptional article written by Dr. Joseph Carver, Psychologist, explaining how to free yourself from controlling people and/or abusive people. Dr. Carver says that most people fail trying to get out of abusive relationships because “they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources.” Dr. Carver is a reputable psychologist whose articles on Love and the Stockholm Syndrome and the article we will discuss in this post are used by counseling groups across the globe.

Dr. Carver says that there are 3 necessary stages in freeing yourself from abusive and controlling people: The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection. These are only brief, paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Carver’s article. Please use the link here or below to read his article in full so that you have all the practical steps, information, and confidence you need to free yourself and start over on a new healthy path to a life that fulfills the God-given destiny for your existence!

Stage 1: The Detachment

-The abuser will have caused you isolation by methods such as controlling the finances, modes of transportation, etc. Pay attention to methods the controller is using to isolate you from freedom and help.

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, and share less feelings. The goal is to lessen the abuser’s emotional attachment to you.

- Quietly contact your family and friends to determine who can provide a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc. [An added note, only contact those who will keep your plans absolutely confidential.]

- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options.

- Slowly remove your valuables from the home. You may lose some personal items.

- Stop arguing. Stop defending and explaining yourself. Express that you are too stressed or confused to know why you are doing anything anymore. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: boundaries, boundary violations, compliant personality, dreams, emotional baggage, emotional healing, emotional health, emotional pain, family, personal growth, relationships, restoration, self esteem, self worth, wholeness

Motivation Check

March 11th, 2009

Reading Level: Gratifying

Checking the often un-noticed motivations for one’s decisions and actions can reveal the source of either success or failure.

I recently re-read an example on the source of motivations from Cloud and Townsend’s “Boundaries.” It refers to a man who was burned out physically and emotionally and came to see them for help. The man’s explanation for the source of his problem was “loving people too much.” The authors’ response to him was that it could not be love, as love would not cause him to end up in the negative situation he was in. It was discovered that the source of the problem was his un-noticed motivations.

Here is a list from “Boundaries” of types of unhealthy personal motivations for decisions and actions of which we are often unaware. I’ll provide a definition of each motivation.

Fear of a Loss of Love: If, during childhood, a person frequently experienced a withdrawal of love by a parent whenever that parent was displeased with him or her, it creates an emotional pattern or habit in adulthood to base decisions and actions of the fear of a losing people’s love. One acts or decides out of compulsion, not because it is an action or decision that is in his own best interest; he is compelled to do whatever the other person wants due to fear that, if the person is displeased or disappointed, they will no longer love him.

Fear of Others’ Anger: Because of past boundary violations which caused emotional hurts (people mistreating a person as a way to manipulate his or her behavior), a person can feel instant fear when another person shows anger, or when he is in a situation which he believes will cause the other person’s anger; as a result, he immediately decides a course of action to appease the person and avoid their anger, rather than doing what is best for him personally.

Fear of Loneliness: This is similar to a loss of love. A person with this motivation will give in to other people’s unreasonable or unhealthy demands because he is trying to win the other person’s approval; he fears that the other person will end the relationship and he will be alone if he does not continually give in to win their approval. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: boundaries, boundary violations, compliant personality, destiny, emotional healing, emotional health, emotional pain, family, goals, guilt, love, relationships

Freedom Through Responsibility

February 10th, 2009

Reading Level: Impassioned

To some, this title sounds like an oxymoron-complete opposites-yet taking responsibility for your actions and decisions can actually set you free.

A large portion of the balance of our lives is dependent on what we are and are not responsible for. Becoming aware of where we have or have not drawn boundaries with our chosen responsibilities can bring some startling realizations as to the sources of needless stress, irritation, and resentments. Two recent situations drew my attention to this concept.

The initial way to Freedom through Responsibility is to be content with the decisions you make as to your level of responsibility.

The first situation that made me aware of this principle was taking place in my own life. I was feeling resentful and becoming quite negative about a particular organization with which we work at times that was not being well run by the leadership. I would probably have released my frustration by sitting down and giving them input on a few key things that were affecting their effectiveness, as I had knowledge in that area. However, this past month was so hectic that I chose not to invest my personal time into that situation, deciding the people could probably learn from their own mistakes. I realized this week, however, that I was not taking responsibility for my own decision. Since I had chosen not to take from my time the volume of time needed to give input to that organization’s leadership, I needed to be content with that decision to let them learn from their own mistakes, and choose not to be irritated by the lack of effectiveness of the present leadership.

People often clutter their lives with irritation and resentment either by (1) choosing to take on too many “extra curricular” responsibilities in what would otherwise be their free time and then resenting the people involved or (2) not choosing to be content with the boundaries they set. The first often happens with people in any type of rescue work or those with a co-dependent personality who feel they always need to be “rescuing” something or someone. The wise decision is to Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: boundaries, boundary violations, compliant personality, destiny, emotional baggage, emotional healing, emotional health, emotional pain, family, guilt, personal growth, relationships, resentment, wellness

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11 Simple Steps to Do Now

January 13th, 2009

Table of contents for Cancer Prevention

4 New Prominent Methods
11 Simple Steps to Do Now

Below is only an abbreviated list of the 11 Simple Steps to Do Now to virtually eliminate your cancer risk.

Please use this link to read Dr. Mercola’s full article. This is Part 2 of some excerpts from Dr. Mercola’s newsletter on cancer prevention.

1. Normalize your vitamin D levels with safe amounts of sun exposure…It would be best to monitor your vitamin D levels.

2. Control your insulin levels … limit your intake of processed foods and sugars as much as possible.

3. Get appropriate amounts of animal-based omega-3 fats.

4. Get appropriate exercise... it drives your insulin levels down.

5. Eat according to your nutritional type. [For an explanation, follow the link off of number 5 on Dr. Mercola's full newsletter.]

6. Have a tool to [resolve emotional hurts] permanently erase the neurological short-circuiting that can activate cancer genes. Even the CDC states that 85 percent of disease is caused by emotions. My particular favorite tool … is the Emotional Freedom Technique. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: cancer, Dr. Joseph Mercola, emotional baggage, emotional pain, healing, health, physical healing, physical health, sickness, wellness

Posted in Physical Reflections | No Comments »

4 New Prominent Methods

January 12th, 2009

Table of contents for Cancer Prevention

4 New Prominent Methods
11 Simple Steps to Do Now

With about 12.4 million people being diagnosed with some form of cancer in 2008 and 7.6 million actually dying from the disease last year, cancer prevention is an important topic for all of us.

There are 4 Preventative Measures for Cancer that have come more into the spotlight in the medical field.

Dr. Mercola recently sent out a couple of newsletters with good articles on cancer prevention. The first is on the 4 new focuses for prevention. The second contains his list of 11 simple steps to cancer prevention. I want to share the excerpts with you from those articles in these 2 posts with links to the full articles so that you can read in more detail.

Here are 4 Cancer Preventions that Dr. Mercola believes to be of major focus in the medical realm. Please use this link to read his full article.

Vitamin D

If people around the world optimized their vitamin D levels, about 30 percent of cancer deaths — which amounts to 2 million worldwide and 200,000 in the United States — could be prevented each year.

On a personal level, you can decrease your risk of cancer by more than half simply by optimizing your vitamin D levels with sun exposure.

The risk of skin cancer from the sun comes only from excessive exposure. Meanwhile, countless people around the world have an increased risk of cancer because their vitamin D levels are low or deficient. In the U.S., the late winter average vitamin D is only about 15-18 ng/ml, which is considered a very serious deficiency state. Meanwhile, it’s thought that over 95 percent of U.S. senior citizens may be deficient, along with 85 percent of the American public. If you are treating cancer it is likely that higher blood levels would be even more beneficial, probably on the order of 80-90 ng/ml. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: cancer, Dr. Joseph Mercola, emotional baggage, emotional pain, healing, health, physical healing, physical health, sickness, wellness

Posted in Physical Reflections | No Comments »

Abusive Relationships: How Friends and Family Can Help

November 25th, 2008

Table of contents for Abusive Relationship Help

Abusive Relationships: What if You Still Love Them?
Abusive Relationships: Situations-Symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome
Abusive Relationships: How Friends and Family Can Help

This is Part 3 in the series. If you missed Part 1 and 2, please click the above links to read first.

Dr. Carver states that Stockholm Syndrome develops involuntarily-the victim does not purposely develop these feelings and responses. They are done to survive a threatening and controlling environment and relationship.

The victim’s self-worth and emotional health is so tied to the relationship that they believe that they would mentally collapse if the relationship ended. The more dysfunctional the situation, the more dysfunctional the victim’s adaptation to survive and make the relationship work. When the victim reaches the point of realizing that the relationship doesn’t work and can’t be fixed, they will need to loving support of family and friends to return to a healthy, positive lifestyle.

While each situation is different, Dr. Carver provides these guidelines for friends and family:

-Your contacts with your loved one may be met with anger and resentment. This is because each contact may prompt the abuser to attack them verbally or emotionally.

-It’s often best to establish predictable, scheduled contacts. Calling every Wednesday evening, just for a status report or to go over current events, is less threatening than random calls during the week. Random calls are always viewed as “checking up on us” calls. While you may encounter an answering machine, leave a polite and loving message.

-Remember that there are many channels of communication. It’s important that we keep a channel open if at all possible. Communication channels might include phone calls, letters, cards, and e-mail.

-Importantly, don’t discuss the relationship (the controller may be listening!) unless the victim brings it up. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: boundaries, boundary violations, compliant personality, dreams, emotional baggage, emotional healing, emotional health, emotional pain, relationships, restoration, self esteem, self worth, wholeness

Abusive Relationships: Situations-Symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome

November 24th, 2008

Table of contents for Abusive Relationship Help

Abusive Relationships: What if You Still Love Them?
Abusive Relationships: Situations-Symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome
Abusive Relationships: How Friends and Family Can Help

This is Part 2 of 3 of the post regarding emotional ties that often keep a person from leaving an abusive relationship. It will cover the 4 main situations creating Stockholm Syndrome in controlling relationships and the resulting symptoms. If you missed Part 1, please click the above link to read it first. Part 3 will give guidelines for friends and family who wish to help.

As mentioned in Part 1 of this post, the feelings of love for the abuser are actually part of an emotional defense mechanism, as opposed to real love that exists in a healthy relationship. This emotional bonding is a survival strategy for victims of abuse and intimidation, though they are not fully aware of it happening.

To give thorough explanation of this topic of Stockholm Syndrome in controlling and/or abusive relationships, I’m going to refer to several quotes from an incredible article by Dr. Joseph Carver, Psychologist. The full article is many pages long, and very detailed. For those of you who desire to study this in more detail, a link to his full article is provided at the end of this post. Dr. Carver has a very beneficial website, and I’m sure we’ll be referring to it again in the future.

There are several symptoms to Stockholm Syndrome which will vary some with the individual. However, here are 5 Common Symptoms that Dr. Carver provided:

1. Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller

2. Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authorities trying to rescue/support them or win their release

3. Support of the abuser’s reasons and behaviors

4. Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim

5. Supportive behaviors by the victim, at times helping the abuser

Besides a hostage situation, the following 4 Types of Situations also occur in severely controlling, abusive relationships, creating the Stockholm Syndrome responses: Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: boundaries, boundary violations, compliant personality, emotional baggage, emotional healing, emotional pain, fear, relationships

Abusive Relationships: What if You Still Love Them?

November 20th, 2008

Table of contents for Abusive Relationship Help

Abusive Relationships: What if You Still Love Them?
Abusive Relationships: Situations-Symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome
Abusive Relationships: How Friends and Family Can Help

A reader asked about how to move beyond an abusive relationship when you still feel love for that person.

This is actually a common feeling from people in abusive, or even just very controlling relationships. A prominent pastor’s wife in Atlanta filed for divorce when a relationship involving much emotional abuse evolved into a physical attack. She said that she still felt love toward him but decided to “take her love with her and leave” for her own welfare. A loved one of ours, after having decided some time ago to leave an abusive relationship is now feeling that he loves the other person in spite of the fact that his health, career, and family life have all been destroyed by the other person.

An initial step is to realize the difference between love and concern.

A friend in a bad relationship once had another friend tell him, “You care about her well-being, but it doesn’t sound like you really love her.” There is a major difference between love and concern. It is unlikely that you will feel completely devoid of concern over the person’s well being if you have shared a major part of your life or major events in your life with him or her. However, concern over his or her well being is not proof of the existence of a loving relationship.

People in emotionally or physically abusive situations often suffer from Stockholm syndrome, not just people in hostage situations.

In Stockholm Syndrome, the person in an abusive or controlling situation begins to experience a psychological response of defending the “captor” and showing loyalty to the abuser. (1) Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: boundaries, boundary violations, compliant personality, dreams, emotional baggage, emotional healing, emotional health, emotional pain, relationships, restoration, self esteem, self worth, wholeness

Posted in Reader's Questions | 2 Comments »

From Loneliness to Joy

October 10th, 2008

Reading Level: Leisurely

Loneliness is something most people face at a variety of times throughout life.

I came across a free download for 148 pp. e-book on dealing with loneliness. It is written by internationally known public speaker and author, Josh McDowell. Though the book is aimed at college age youth, the general concepts should be applicable to overcoming loneliness no matter the age at which you are experiencing it.

Here is a brief description of the Free E-book, Friend of the Lonely Heart.

You can overcome loneliness and rejection. This book provides you with practical proven advice that will enable you to break the loneliness cycle and put real meaning into your life. Friend of the Lonely Heart can help you – Uncover the reasons you feel lonely; Find a new sense of direction and real meaning in your life; Learn to turn your lonely feelings into feelings of joy and happiness.

Here are 3 separate excerpts from the E-Book which is in .pdf format. The download link is at the end of the post: Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: depression, emotional baggage, emotional pain, family, loneliness, personal growth, relationships

Posted in 2 Minute Reflections | No Comments »

Crisis Management – The Means to Long Life

September 17th, 2008

Reading Level: Leisurely

How you deal with crises or tragedies affect the length of your life as well as the daily quality.

I once heard a report on the news about a study done with people over 100 years of age. They were expecting to discover a common health link, something those seniors did or did not eat, or some type of exercise routine. Much to the astonishment of those doing the study, there did not appear to be any common denominators in health habits. Obviously, health habits will affect the quality of one’s physical life, especially as you get older. However, the sole common denominator in these seniors who lived to be over 100 years of age was how they dealt with crises or tragedies; they had a commitment to move forward or move past the tragedy and continue to find enjoyment in life. In their view, it was worth living just to be alive, regardless of the events they experienced.

A perspective that sees value solely in being alive will benefit one’s daily life as well.

Though it wasn’t discussed in the part of the report I heard, I would imagine that people who outlived their peers due to a commitment to move beyond tragedy had also lived their daily lives with the same perspective-”This too shall pass,” “Life goes on…,” or whatever applicable saying you have heard. If one has a view to be able to enjoy life just because he or she is still alive, regardless of even facing tragedies, imagine how much less Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: crisis, emotional health, emotional pain, Law of Attraction, personal growth, positive thinking, restoration, tragedy, wholeness

Posted in 2 Minute Reflections | 1 Comment »

When is Pain Good?

September 16th, 2008

Reading Level: Impassioned

In the physical health world, the phrase “No pain, no gain,” is quite familiar. When it comes to emotional health in relationships and boundary setting, “No pain, no gain” is also an applicable phrase.

People who repeatedly allow themselves to be hurt or harmed by others, physically or emotionally, have difficulty setting boundaries. They bring a continual flow of destruction into their lives due to not setting boundaries, or not making clear what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior mainly due to a fear of the other person’s response. They fear the other person’s anger or they even fear hurting the other person’s feelings. Often, the boundaryless person fears hurting the other person because of an “over-identification with loss.” He hasn’t dealt with his own personal losses, especially those caused by the harmful relationship, so he has an unrealistic, over-emotional response to the thought of hurting the other person. It is a tragic thing to see destruction rule throughout a person’s whole life when restoration and abundance is attainable-all because he or she fears boundary setting will hurt the other person’s feelings. In such cases, pain is a good thing!

First, realize that it is possible to hurt someone’s feelings by “doing what needs to be done” and being responsible with your gift of life.

Those who follow this blog know that I frequently refer to the Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend when discussing relationship issues of this type. You do what you need to do though it may hurt the other person’s feelings. This is not a matter of being inconsiderate. You think through and evaluate how the boundary will likely hurt the other person’s feelings; that’s being empathetic and “taking into account” the other person’s feelings. But you still set the boundaries to stop the harm to your life; otherwise, you are being irresponsible to the gift of your own life. The other person will likely insult you, saying that you are cruel or unforgiving. To purposely hurt someone’s feelings without giving any consideration to the fact that the person will hurt would be wrong (Keep in mind this is exactly what the other person is doing to you when violating your boundaries.), but so is not setting the boundaries necessary so that you can fulfill your God-given destiny with the precious gift of your own life!

In boundary setting, we must recognize the clear difference between hurt and harm.

Here is the most wonderfully wise example provided by Cloud and Townsend, pp. 93-94, of the difference between hurt and harm. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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