I came across a helpful article by fellow SelfGrowth.com author Laurie McAnaugh; here are some excerpts from it to help you overcome the negativity and enjoy your holiday experience. Use the links in the footnotes to read her full article.  (This is one of the classic holiday “help” articles– a good reminder for each of us each Christmas/New Year’s season.)

Ms. McAnaugh discusses that if holidays are emotionally draining to you rather than a time to enjoy remembrances of all you have to be thankful for, you may need to ask yourself the following questions:

-Why do I behave that way when I’m around certain members of my family?

-I don’t always like who I am when I am around that person.

-What is it about that person that they constantly say things that hurt my feelings?

-What is it about me that I allow that person to get under my skin?

If the holidays cause you to have the above thoughts, Ms. McAnaugh encourages you to ponder these questions:

-How would it feel to spend the holidays with each of your family members and still feel good about yourself, during and after the experience?

-How would it feel to imagine a solid bubble around yourself that protects you from any insult or negative words?

-How would it feel to believe so strongly in your positive contribution to the world that you simply have no need to react at all to anything anyone says or thinks about you?

This is a great quote from Laurie on having true power during your holiday interactions:

When we focus our energy on someone else’s choices…we let them affect us in ways that cause us frustration, guilt and defensiveness. If we could consider that this person is doing the best they can with the tools they have…and their choices are a reflection on them…it would remind us that how we react to others is a choice that only we can make. As much as we want to believe that controlling the actions of others would make our lives easier, in fact it’s really the other way around. Being in control of our own actions and most of all, reactions, is a characteristic of true power.

Rather than focusing on the words and actions of others, Ms. McAnaugh admonishes us to focus on what we can control—our own behavior and being who we want to be.

It should be noted, when interacting with others, it’s always necessary to take responsibility for our own behavior. Learning to step away from a situation to ask ourselves, “Is this who I want to be?…Am I acting out of guilt, jealousy or an unnecessary need to be understood by others?” When we step away to observe our own actions, it is…a time to own it, fix it and then move on. There’s nothing more powerful then saying, “That behavior and way of thinking is not in line with who I want to be. I know I can do better.”

Laurie concludes her article with the well stated point that when we decide that our own positive opinion of ourselves is the most important one, we are less affected by others’ opinions and can simply ignore others’ negativity.

Click Here to Read Laurie’s Full Article: Learning to Enjoy The Holidays No Matter Where You Are 
Laurie McAnaugh is the founder of Access Your Power and achieves her mission through teaching workshops, consulting privately with clients and presenting to groups nationwide.  Her website is http://www.choosetobepowerful.com

It may seem an illogical and impossible statement, but it is truth none-the-less.  Regardless of your circumstances, you choose your thoughts, and subsequently, your state of mind and personal well-being.  People throughout history have proven it true, usually in circumstances far worse than what most of us will ever experience.

One of my favorite examples is Dr. Viktor E. Frankl, whom I have mentioned before.  He is an Austrian Jew who was sent to a concentration camp with his family during World War II.

We who lived in concentration camps can remember men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.  Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor E. Frankl

Whatever circumstances you are presently you going through, any situations you may yet face, even if they are horrifically unthinkable as those experienced by Frankl, inside you is still the power to choose the state of your personal well-being by choosing your thoughts and perspectives.

Scripture reinforces this truth that your well-being is determined by your choice of thoughts.

All the days of the despondent are made evil by anxious and foreboding thoughts, but he who has a glad heart has a continual feast regardless of the circumstances.

Notice the days of the despondent are made bad by their thoughts; in contrast, the person who takes authority over his thoughts, uses his personal power to control his perspective and have a glad heart, will experience continual good regardless of his or her circumstances. 

You alone have the power to choose your thoughts.  Choose ones that will ensure your well-being!

Below is only an abbreviated list from Dr. Mercola’s “11 Simple Steps to Do Now” to virtually eliminate your cancer risk.  Please use this link to read Dr. Mercola’s full article.   The is the 2nd post on cancer prevention.  If you missed the first post, please click to go there now.

1. Normalize your vitamin D levels with safe amounts of sun exposure…It would be best to monitor your vitamin D levels.

2. Control your insulin levels … limit your intake of processed foods and sugars as much as possible.

3. Get appropriate amounts of animal-based omega-3 fats.

4. Get appropriate exercise… it drives your insulin levels down.

5. Eat according to your nutritional type. [For an explanation, follow the link off of number 5 on Dr. Mercola's full newsletter.]

6. Have a tool to resolve emotional hurts permanently erase the neurological short-circuiting that can activate cancer genes. Even the CDC states that 85 percent of disease is caused by emotions. My particular favorite tool … is the Emotional Freedom Technique.

7. Only 25 percent of people eat enough vegetables, so by all means eat as many vegetables as you are comfortable with. Ideally, they should be fresh and organic. However, fresh conventionally grown vegetables are healthier than organic wilted ones…

8. Maintain an ideal body weight.

10. Reduce your exposure to environmental toxins.

11. Boil, poach or steam your foods, rather than frying or charbroiling them.

Please click here to read Dr. Joseph Mercola’s full article, 11 Simple Steps to Do Now.

There are 4 Preventative Measures for Cancer that have come more into the spotlight in the medical field.

Dr. Mercola recently sent out a couple of newsletters with good articles on cancer prevention. The first is on the 4 new focuses for prevention. The second contains his list of 11 simple steps to cancer prevention. I want to share the excerpts with you from those articles in these 2 posts with links to the full articles so that you can read in more detail.

Here are 4 Cancer Preventions that Dr. Mercola believes to be of major focus in the medical realm. Please use this link to read his full article.

Vitamin D

If people around the world optimized their vitamin D levels, about 30 percent of cancer deaths — which amounts to 2 million worldwide and 200,000 in the United States — could be prevented each year.

On a personal level, you can decrease your risk of cancer by more than half simply by optimizing your vitamin D levels with sun exposure.

The risk of skin cancer from the sun comes only from excessive exposure. Meanwhile, countless people around the world have an increased risk of cancer because their vitamin D levels are low or deficient. In the U.S., the late winter average vitamin D is only about 15-18 ng/ml, which is considered a very serious deficiency state. Meanwhile, it’s thought that over 95 percent of U.S. senior citizens may be deficient, along with 85 percent of the American public. If you are treating cancer it is likely that higher blood levels would be even more beneficial, probably on the order of 80-90 ng/ml.

Vitamin D has a protective effect against cancer in several ways, including:
• Increasing the self-destruction of mutated cells (which, if allowed to replicate, could lead to cancer)
• Reducing the spread and reproduction of cancer cells
• Causing cells to become differentiated (cancer cells often lack differentiation)
• Reducing the growth of new blood vessels from pre-existing ones, which is a step in the transition of dormant tumors turning cancerous

For those interested, Dr. Mercola has a 1 hr. lecture on the importance of vitamin D through safe sun exposure.

Optimizing Your Insulin Levels

Otto Warburg actually received a Nobel Prize for his observation of cancer cell physiology in 1934 that clearly demonstrated cancer cells require more sugar to thrive.

Unfortunately, many of us have insulin levels that are too high, a condition that can cause major damage to your body. The good news is that controlling your insulin levels is relatively straightforward. First, limit your intake of processed foods, grains and sugars as much as possible to prevent your insulin levels from becoming elevated in the first place. Next, exercise regularly, as this will drive your insulin levels down.

Thermography

This is a safer, more effective alternatives to mammograms. Thermographic screening is brilliantly simple. It measures the radiation of infrared heat from your body and translates this information into anatomical images.

Thermography uses no mechanical pressure or ionizing radiation, and can detect signs of breast cancer as much as 10 years earlier than either mammography or a physical exam! It can even detect the potential for cancer before any tumors have formed because it can image the early stages of angiogenesis.

Heal Your Emotions

When you open your mind to the world of treatment and prevention strategies available outside the bounds of conventional medicine, you find that many options exist right now to help you prevent and treat this “incurable” disease.

The conservative Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) states that 85 percent of all diseases have an emotional element. Treatments from doctors like Ryke Geerd Hamer have achieved a 95 percent success rate in overcoming cancer — all by helping people to heal their emotional traumas.

One of my other favorite strategies is to focus on W. Clement Stone’s strategy. He was the most financially successful student of Napoleon Hill and was a billionaire in Chicago. He died at 100 years old a few years ago. He was fond of taking the position of an “inverse paranoid”. He firmly believed that most of the negative events that occur in your life can be viewed from the perspective of life trying to teach you something that will ultimately improve you. [The quote on Stone's strategy is from a related newsletter. Click this link to read it in full.]

[Lastly} Even the conservative American Cancer Society states that one-third of cancer deaths are linked to poor diet, physical inactivity, and carrying excess weight. So making healthy lifestyle changes is one of the most important ways to protect yourself from cancer.

Excerpts from 4 Cancer Preventions by Dr. Joseph Mercola. Please read his full article.

Table of contents for From Rejection to Self Esteem

1. From Rejection to Self Esteem Part 1
2. From Rejection to Self Esteem Part 2

In rejection recovery, realize that negative thoughts cannot be changed without replacing them with positive ones.

This is Part 2 of a 2 part post.  If you missed Part 1, please use the series link above to read it first as Part 1 covers the two initial steps for recovering from rejection.

To overcome the negativity that is overrunning your thought life as a result of the rejection, you must actively make yourself think on thoughts that will move you forward to the productive life you should be living. There are 3 main ways to replace thoughts of rejection.

1. Base your value on God’s value of you. With all the beauty that exists in creation, with all the billions of people, God still loves you and considers you precious and honored in His sight (Is. 43:4). Scripture describes that God saw your unformed body before you were born, already knew all the days of your life before it began, and that His thoughts of you outnumber the grains of sand–because He thinks so often about you. (Ps. 139:15-18) Throughout the up’s and down’s of life, it is essential that you base your value of yourself on the value God sees in you. This is the only way your value of yourself can remain constant. It cannot be based on people because people come and go in our lives, even if it is by death. Your value cannot be based on your career or other abilities because, one day, you will no longer be able to do those things.

2. Be your own cheerleader. This is a self-help tip that I’ve heard Joel Osteen say many times and it is worth repeating. Every day, get up in the morning and be your own cheerleader. Say good things about yourself to yourself! Speak to yourself about God’s value of you. Throughout the day, remind yourself of your value and your abilities. And, it doesn’t hurt to aim high. It is like the Law of Attraction. You speak those positive things to yourself even if you are not there yet so that you will eventually develop those qualities. Here is a sample list that I compiled from a couple of Joel’s broadcasts:

-I have unprecedented favor today.
-I have new opportunities for my career and personal life.
-God is in love with me.
-People like me.
-I am talented.
-I am creative.
-I am strong.
-I have excellence and determination.
-Whatever I do prospers and succeeds.

You can add to that list accomplishments which you desire that have not taken place yet, speaking them in present tense. Such as, “I have many loving people in my life. I am free from debt. I’m taking my dream vacation, etc.” As in the Law of Attraction, speaking positively to yourself about things that you desire to accomplish will make you more creative and more aware of opportunities to help you fulfill those goals.

3. Think repeatedly throughout day about those who do love you. Most of us have several people in our lives whom we value and who value us, even though it may be at varying levels of love. Even if you are temporarily in a stage where you think the only person who values you is your pet, think throughout the day about those who do love you or care about your well-being.

Move forward.

The past is never worth staying in. It is time to move forward. In addition to ways we’ve already mentioned, move forward by taking time in your schedule for people who do love or care about you. Maybe the person who rejected you was a former friend in whom you had invested a great deal of time. Move forward by spending time with those positive relationships that may have been neglected while you were focused on that other person, such as relatives, other friends, or even co-workers. Also move forward by accomplishing a project around the house or online course you put off doing due to time constraints from the past relationship. Or, do something for yourself you have always wanted to do, such as a certain vacation.

Finally, always encourage yourself with God’s unfailing, unchanging love for you.

People’s love may change, people may move in and out of your life, or they may reject you and never even give themselves the opportunity to get to know you. God, however, will never reject you. He says in John 6:37, “The person who comes to me I will never reject.” In James 4:8, He promises, “Come near to Me and I will come near to you.” In other words, God will be responsive to your desire to know Him and have a close relationship with Him. You can trust Him! His love for you will not fail you! “I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever (Ps. 52:8).”

(1) Click here to read the article on Determining Your Destiny which lists Creflo’s 8 steps to direct the course of your life to your goals and restoration.

Other Related Posts:
Handling the Fear of God’s Rejection

Hope for the Betrayed Heart

Table of contents for From Rejection to Self Esteem

1. From Rejection to Self Esteem Part 1
2. From Rejection to Self Esteem Part 2

Rejection comes to each of us, but we can take steps to heal and move forward with the productive life we deserve and desire.

Many readers have asked for help in dealing with rejection from parents and other relationships. Whether rejection comes from a family member, friend, co-worker, or even a mere stranger, it leaves us with a wide variety of emotions, such as pain and guilt, and questions as to why someone would feel that way about us. Let’s cover several steps that help us to heal and move forward to a happier life.

First, don’t spend a great deal of time questioning why.

Unless the person broke off the relationship due to a major personality flaw on your part which they directly communicated to you as the cause of the rejection — and you already know you need to work on that aspect — quit questioning why. If there was no such communication on the offender’s part, speculation will not help you for the following reason. If the cause was a personality flaw on your part and they were not willing to communicate in such a way as to allow for healing and reconciliation in the relationship, the rejector is not presently, and may never be, in a mental/emotional state to have a long-term, healthy relationship. As it is, it is much more likely, since they were unwilling to communicate in a way as to provide for reconciliation, that the major emotional issues are on their part.

Second, quit being too hard on yourself.

If you are aware of certain mistakes you made that contributed to the rejection, you can always work on changing those behaviors, even getting profession help if needed. However, you must be realistic in accessing your failures. Usually a person who is suffering from rejection is too hard on him or herself, taking more than their share of the blame. Full blame in a relationship failure is never solely due to one person, even if it is something such as the lack of the other person being willing to communicate in such a way that adjustments in the relationship could have been made.

Similar to overcoming depression, you must replace incorrect, harmful thoughts with positive ones.  

Why? Because your thoughts will influence the direction of your life.  A book by Creflo Dollar describes the pattern of our lives very effectively. He describes it this way:

-Your thoughts, whether positive or negative, will create your emotions.
-Those emotions will then influence your decisions.
-Your decisions cause you to take action.
-Actions form habits or your lifestyle.
-Those habits determine your destiny — the final destination of your life.

You can follow the reference to read more about Creflo’s book. Realize now the absolute necessity of not allowing your thoughts of the rejection to continue. If you do, those thoughts  of rejection will produce self-defeating emotions and decisions, leading to destructive lifestyle habits. You will cause your destiny to be directed by a harmful person! Instead, you must choose to change your thoughts to beneficial ones that will direct you to the destiny you desire! (1)

This is Part 1 of a 2 part post.  In Part 2, we will cover several ways to replace thoughts of rejection as well as how to move forward with your life.

(1) Click here to read the article on Determining Your Destiny which lists Creflo’s 8 steps to direct the course of your life to your goals and restoration.

Table of contents for Believe You Deserve to Be Well

1. Believe You Deserve to be Well- Part 1
2. Believe You Deserve to be Well- Part 2

What can practically be done about the past failures and guilt?

There are some simple steps you can daily implement to help you move past guilt.  (If you missed Part 1 of this 2-part post, please use the above series link. Part 1 explains what God Himself says about His compassionate, forgiving, uncomdemning nature to help you remove emotional hindrances in receiving the good He desires to bring into your life. This is heavier reading than most posts on this site but should help those of you struggling with guilt, condemnation, and other negative thought patterns that hinder healing. )

First, a reminder– as mentioned in Part 1, to receive healing it is only logical that all habits of a destructive lifestyle need to be left in the past.   Scripture refers to this as repentance, a 180 degree turn around. Otherwise, it is like the continually unsuccessful dieter who starves herself or himself for a couple of days, only to binge for several days thereafter. Next, as also mentioned in Part 1 of this post, just as God’s mercies toward us are new every morning we need to have mercy on ourselves and release the guilt of past failures. If God deems us worthy of such mercy, we can honestly show such mercy to ourselves.

But what about those who are plagued by guilt, not as much self-imposed, but from inaccurate childhood teachings about God that have left them with images of an angry, harmful, unforgiving God? If you suffer from harmful, inaccurate childhood teachings about God, it will take some discipline of focusing on truth to eradicate that input.

On the practical side, many people print out a list of verses such as covered in this article and spend sometimes even months of daily repeating out loud the truth God says about Himself, i.e., God’s continually renewing compassion, graciousness, desire for our wholeness and superabundant life in quality. Another beneficial verse along this line is Psalm 103:10, “He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.” If people have put into your mind as a child the image of God standing over you eagerly desiring to punish you for the slightest mistake, it is a fallacy to be eradicated. ( For those who would like to read an extended passage of Scripture that discusses numerous groups of people who suffered from their own failures yet God, in His compassion, restored their lives, Psalm 107 is posted below this article.)

On a similar vein, Psalm 103 speaks of numerous good that God eagerly bestows on us, but verse 5 specifically says that He is the God “who satisfies your desires with good things.” A person ridden with guilt, self-imposed or from inaccurate religious teaching, needs to admit to himself that such feelings result in anything but feeling of an overwhelmingly satisfied life. God, on the other hand, satisfies our lives with good things. There does need to be a level of cooperation here, and some self-evaluation is necessary to determine if we are cooperating in receiving the good.

You can begin anew in your view of yourself and of God.

Cooperate with God in letting go of the guilt from false images of Him—replacing them with truth—and in the forgiving of yourself. Taking the verses discussed in this article, these truths about God, and focusing on them will go a long way in aiding your healing. As you come to terms with how much good God desires for you, how much healing He desires for you, (Scripture calls this renewing your mind), it will bring relief from the self-abasement. The realization that God values you so highly that He continually exists in a state of desiring your healing and well-being can increase one’s self worth and cause you to grasp hold of wanting the same healing, wholeness, and well-being for you that God wants for you.

Psalm 107

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.
Let the redeemed of the LORD say this– those he redeemed from the hand of the foe,
those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north and south.
Some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle.
They were hungry and thirsty, and their lives ebbed away. Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.

Some sat in darkness and the deepest gloom, prisoners suffering in iron chains,
for they had rebelled against the words of God and despised the counsel of the Most High. So he subjected them to bitter labor; they stumbled, and there was no one to help.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.
He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron.

Some became fools through their rebellious ways and suffered affliction because of their iniquities. They loathed all food and drew near the gates of death. Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave. Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men. Let them sacrifice thank offerings and tell of his works with songs of joy.

Others went out on the sea in ships; they were merchants on the mighty waters.
They saw the works of the LORD, his wonderful deeds in the deep. For he spoke and stirred up a tempest that lifted high the waves. They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths; in their peril their courage melted away. They reeled and staggered like drunken men; they were at their wits’ end. Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men. Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people and praise him in the council of the elders.

He turned rivers into a desert, flowing springs into thirsty ground, and fruitful land into a salt waste, because of the wickedness of those who lived there. He turned the desert into pools of water and the parched ground into flowing springs; there he brought the hungry to live, and they founded a city where they could settle. They sowed fields and planted vineyards that yielded a fruitful harvest; he blessed them, and their numbers greatly increased, and he did not let their herds diminish. Then their numbers decreased, and they were humbled by oppression, calamity and sorrow; he who pours contempt on nobles made them wander in a trackless waste. But he lifted the needy out of their affliction and increased their families like flocks. The upright see and rejoice, but all the wicked shut their mouths.

Whoever is wise, let him heed these things and consider the great love of the LORD.

Table of contents for Believe You Deserve to Be Well

1. Believe You Deserve to be Well- Part 1
2. Believe You Deserve to be Well- Part 2

Whether or Not You Believe You Deserve to be Well Greatly Affects All Aspects of Your Health!

Though it sounds like an absurd question, but medical science has proven that your mental perspective, what you think about yourself and God, has a great effect on physical, emotional, and spiritual health. (This is Part 1 of a 2-part post. It is heavier reading than most posts on this site but should help those of you struggling with guilt, condemnation, and other negative thought patterns that hinder healing. )

For the purpose of example, there is a particular area in the medical field in which the procedure actually brings back to one’s mind past emotional hurts that are causing current physical health problems. Brief, physical treatments are then done which actually remove the pent up emotion from that bad emotional experience which has been stored in the body. During the physical treatment, you are asked to state out loud phrases along the lines of, “I deserve to be healthy. I deserve to be free from allergies” etc. People are then cured of various recurring physical ailments once that stored negative emotion from a past experience was removed from the body.

Believing that you deserve to be well is just as necessary a perspective in the area of faith and the spiritual realm.

In Matthew 9:29, while bringing healing to people, Jesus said, “According to your faith will it be done to you.” The Amplified Version (expanded from the Greek) says, “According to your faith and trust and reliance on the power invested in Me be it done to you.” Most anyone you talk to, regardless of their religious beliefs or the lack of them, believes that Jesus healed people. Yet even Jesus said that people’s healing was dependent on whether or not people believed that they would be healed or, one may say, whether or not they believed that God desired to heal them. (1. Click on the text link for “faith” to open a window with the Greek definition. 2.Click on “to be done” for the Greek definition. 3. Click the text link here to read why I use Greek definitions.)

Whether you are a believer in God, or if you are just interested in knowing what Scripture says about God’s desire to heal our lives, it will be beneficial to focus on a few brief examples which show God’s heart and character with regard to healing. This insight will help one develop a perspective that believes he or she deserves to be well.

Regardless of our past failures, we can believe that we “deserve to be healed” or that God desires for us to be healed. Scripture says, “Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. (Lam. 3:22,23)” The phrase “great love” is, at times, translated into English as “mercy.” Hence, you may hear people say that God’s mercy towards us is new every morning. When this verse is studied in the original Hebrew, it does speak that, first, God’s loving-kindness and compassions toward us start over new and fresh every morning, as if we had a clean slate.

Second, these feelings toward us from God are far superior to what we experience in the fluctuating human emotions of the people around us. Not only are God’s feelings of loving-kindness and multiple compassions toward us secure and steady, i.e. faithful, but they are exceedingly, abundantly, plenteously secure and steady. Where on earth can one find such a relationship as that? Meditating on that reality alone of God’s true feelings toward us can bring a flood of healing to one’s spirit.

Third, once we realize that God’s mercies toward us are new every morning, it is time to have mercy on ourselves, to forgive ourselves of our failures and stop allowing the guilt of the past to keep us from physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual healing! (In a future article, we will discuss in more detail how to deal with recurring guilt.) (4. Click links for full definitions in Hebrew of the main words in the above verses: great love, compassions, great, faithfulness. 5. Click here to read why I use Hebrew definitions.)

When we feel undeserving of being healed, or feel that there is some reason that God does not desire us to be well, we need to change our focus from guilt and self-abasement to the truth of what God says about His perspective in this matter.

At one point in my life, when I was going through deep grief from the loss of a dear friend to cancer, God spoke a specific word of encouragement to my spirit. Knowing that the untimely death of my friend was humanly inexplainable, God said to me, “When you face things in life which you are not capable of understanding, which seem to make absolutely no sense in the human realm, focus on what you know to be true.” Throughout Scripture, God says of Himself, “I am compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.” It was holding on to the truths regarding the nature and character of God that brought healing in that time of grief. This principle has come back to mind many times through the years and has brought healing in a variety of situations.

There are countless names that God uses to describe Himself throughout Scripture; they address His nature or character. In Exodus 15:16, God says, “…for I am the LORD, who heals you.” The name God uses in the Hebrew is Y@hovah Rapha’, meaning the eternal, self-existent one who heals and makes thoroughly whole. (6. Click here for Hebrew definition of “Lord who heals you.”) It would be negligent not to mention that this statement is prefaced by a condition of obedience to righteous standards. However, I think most people would agree that it goes without saying that if one lives a life that is destructive in nature to yourself or others, it would be absurd to expect healing when you are repeatedly causing the damage yourself. God chose this name to express to us that it is His nature to heal, to make our lives thoroughly whole. This means God desires healing for us in every aspect of our lives—physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.

This desire of God to exist in a healing relationship with us, that it is His very nature to do so, is again expressed through Jesus’ life and words.

In John 10:10, Jesus says, “The thief [referring to satan or forces of evil] does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” (7. Click here for the Greek definition of “abundance.”) The translation into the English word, “abundantly,” does not do justice to what Jesus was saying here. The Greek word refers to exceedingly, superabundantly, above and beyond measure in quantity and quality, even vehemently so. God’s expression of Himself through Jesus and the work that He completed while here in human form, was to bring to each person the type of well-being physically, emotionally, etc. that usually we only dream of. Yet Jesus said His purpose in coming was to bring exactly that to us. Yes, God desires all aspects of your life to be healed!

(In Part 2 of this post, we will more specifically discuss dealing with feelings of guilt and past failures.)

I once heard a report on the news about a study done with people over 100 years of age.  They were expecting to discover a common health link, something those seniors did or did not eat, or some type of exercise routine.  Much to the astonishment of those doing the study, there did not appear to be any common denominators in health habits.  Obviously, health habits will affect the quality of one’s physical life, especially as you get older. However, the sole common denominator in these seniors who lived to be over 100 years of age was how they dealt with crises or tragedies;  they had a commitment to move forward or move past the tragedy and continue to find enjoyment in life. In their view, it was worth living just to be alive, regardless of the events they experienced.

A perspective that sees value solely in being alive will benefit one’s daily life as well.

Though it wasn’t discussed in the part of the report I heard, I would imagine that people who outlived their peers due to a commitment to move beyond tragedy had also lived their daily lives with the same perspective- ”This too shall pass,”  “Life goes on…,” or whatever applicable saying you have heard.  If one has a view to be able to enjoy life just because he or she is still alive, regardless of even facing tragedies, imagine how much less that type of person stresses over the typical daily struggles.  During those times in life when daily struggles start coming at you from every side all at the same time – with the children, on the job, with finances, in one’s marriage or other close relationships – many of us become faint of heart (discouraged) and question the quality of our lives.

Learning from these long – living seniors, it would be healthy for each of us to develop a new mindset that values solely being alive.

Here are a few thoughts I had.  I’m sure you can add some of your own.  Feel free to use the comment box on my site to do so.

1. Build a daily awareness of what is good around you.  Greatly appreciate the little things.  Not to use too many clichés in this post, but this is a “stop and smell the roses” scenario. I  have over 30 rose bushes in my yard.  I often stay too busy to enjoy them as I should.  On particularly stressful days, I need to stop the rushing, stressing, and bring some roses inside just to enjoy that part of life.  A while back, I encouraged some loved ones going through a disheartening time that was out of their control to have their daily cup of coffee or tea in the fine china; enjoy what is right there to enjoy.  If the kids have been stressing you, stop and do something you know that you enjoy doing with them—just to enjoy them while they are still children.  Daily find the value in just being alive.

2. Don’t “snowball” in your thinking  by thinking of troubles that will need to be addressed on another day. Scripture says each day has enough trouble of its own, so don’t stress now over what you aren’t yet dealing with.

3. Eliminate the habit of imagining the worst – case scenarios which usually never happen.  There is a popular saying of Mark Twain that was along the lines of, “I’ve experienced some terrible things in my life, and some of them actually happened.”  Do not allow yourself to “experience” negative that has not even happened.

4. Focus on the future.  Realize, with most crises, this too will pass.  Or, in the case of a death or something else permanent, commit to enjoying other aspects of life that still exist other than that relationship—even start new friendships.  Envision better days.  I’ve read of many authors who had lost everything-their wealth, their careers, their families, their homes and cars-and, and by envisioning and believing in life restoration, moved past the tragedies by believing better days would return; they continued to believe it until they saw restoration come to their lives.

Whether or not you want to live past 100, learn to manage the daily crises as well as major life ones with a view that moves beyond the hardship and believes there is value solely in being alive.

People who repeatedly allow themselves to be hurt or harmed by others, physically or emotionally, have difficulty setting boundaries. They bring a continual flow of harm into their lives due to not setting boundaries, or not making clear what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior mainly due to a fear of the other person’s response. They fear the other person’s anger or they even fear hurting the other person’s feelings. Often, the boundaryless person fears hurting the controlling person because of an “over-identification with loss.” He or she hasn’t dealt with their own personal losses, especially those caused by the harmful relationship, so there is an unrealistic, over-emotional response to the thought of hurting the other person. It is a tragic thing to see destruction rule throughout a person’s whole life when restoration and abundance is attainable — all because he or she fears boundary setting will hurt the other person’s feelings. In such cases, pain is a good thing!

First, realize that it is possible to hurt someone’s feelings by “doing what needs to be done” to be responsible with your gift of life.

I’ve referred before to the Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend when discussing relationship issues of this type. You do what you need to do to be responsible with the gift of your life though it may hurt the other person’s feelings. This is not a matter of being inconsiderate. You think through and evaluate how the boundary will likely hurt the other person’s feelings; that’s being empathetic and “taking into account” the other person’s feelings. But you still set the boundaries to stop the harm to your life; otherwise, you are being irresponsible to the gift of your own life. The other person will likely insult you, saying that you are cruel or unforgiving. To purposely hurt someone’s feelings without giving any consideration to the fact that the person will hurt would be wrong (Keep in mind this is exactly what the controlling person is doing when violating your boundaries.), but it is also wrong to not set the boundaries necessary for you to fulfill your God-given destiny with the precious gift of your own life!

In boundary setting, we must recognize there is a clear difference between hurt and harm!

Here is the most wonderfully wise example provided by Cloud and Townsend, pp. 93-94, of the difference between hurt and harm:

When a dentist drilled into your tooth to remove a cavity, did it hurt you? Yes. Did he harm you? No, he improved your health and life. Hurt and harm are different. Did the sugar that gave you the cavity hurt? No, it was enjoyable. Did the sugar harm you? Yes.

Things [such as boundary setting] can hurt a person but not harm them. It is actually good and healthy for the controlling person. On the other hand, things that feel good can be very harmful. (1)

In Scripture, Jesus refers to this as the broad and narrow gate to life principle. The broad gate is the easiest one to go through but it is always the path to sure destruction. You do not avoid setting boundaries because someone responds with hurt or anger. Setting boundaries is crucial to living a purpose-filled life.

No one likes to be made aware of their faults, but a wise person, a loving person learns from it.

Proverbs of the wise refer to this, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful (Pr. 27:6).” A friend will “wound” a person he or she loves or cares about when it is necessary for healing and restoration-just like the dentist. On the opposite side, the harmful person pretending that the “pleasantness” –  the easier route of allowing him or her to violate the boundaries of your life – should continue is just like deceitful kisses of an enemy; the seemingly pleasant actions truly hide the destructive purposes and results of those actions. God also urges that we “speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15).” For you to continue to allow the harm, to not to set boundaries and restore a daily, progressive pattern of wellness to your life is to not speak the truth, to not act in love. Avoiding the truth of the situation is possibly just as deceitful to yourself as the other person’s actions — as those “kisses of an enemy” are toward you.

Like a good dentist removing a cavity or a quality surgeon removing a cancer, pain can be a positive thing when it is a temporary step to a restored life!

Yes, pain can be good when it is a step in the process of your restoration. Keep in mind the temporary pain you cause the controlling person or yourself in the process is minute in contrast to the never-ending pain of a destructive, boundaryless life. I’m going to end with this quote from p. 95:“

We need to evaluate the pain our confrontation causes other people. We need to see how this hurt is helpful to others and sometimes the best thing we can do for them and the relationship. We need to evaluate the pain in a positive light.” (1)

(1) Boundaries: When to Say, “Yes,” When to Say, “No,” to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. ISBN # is 0-310-24745-4.