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In the physical health world, the phrase “No pain, no gain,” is quite familiar. When it comes to emotional health in relationships and boundary setting, “No pain, no gain” is also an applicable phrase.

People who repeatedly allow themselves to be hurt or harmed by others, physically or emotionally, have difficulty setting boundaries. They bring a continual flow of destruction into their lives due to not setting boundaries, or not making clear what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior mainly due to a fear of the other person’s response. They fear the other person’s anger or they even fear hurting the other person’s feelings. Often, the boundaryless person fears hurting the other person because of an “over-identification with loss.” He hasn’t dealt with his own personal losses, especially those caused by the harmful relationship, so he has an unrealistic, over-emotional response to the thought of hurting the other person. It is a tragic thing to see destruction rule throughout a person’s whole life when restoration and abundance is attainable-all because he or she fears boundary setting will hurt the other person’s feelings. In such cases, pain is a good thing!

First, realize that it is possible to hurt someone’s feelings by “doing what needs to be done” and being responsible with your gift of life.

Those who follow this blog know that I frequently refer to the Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend when discussing relationship issues of this type. You do what you need to do though it may hurt the other person’s feelings. This is not a matter of being inconsiderate. You think through and evaluate how the boundary will likely hurt the other person’s feelings; that’s being empathetic and “taking into account” the other person’s feelings. But you still set the boundaries to stop the harm to your life; otherwise, you are being irresponsible to the gift of your own life. The other person will likely insult you, saying that you are cruel or unforgiving. To purposely hurt someone’s feelings without giving any consideration to the fact that the person will hurt would be wrong (Keep in mind this is exactly what the other person is doing to you when violating your boundaries.), but so is not setting the boundaries necessary so that you can fulfill your God-given destiny with the precious gift of your own life!

In boundary setting, we must recognize the clear difference between hurt and harm.

Here is the most wonderfully wise example provided by Cloud and Townsend, pp. 93-94, of the difference between hurt and harm. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Rejection comes to each of us, but we can take steps to heal and move forward with the productive life we deserve and desire.

Many readers have asked for help in dealing with rejection from parents and other relationships. Whether rejection comes from a family member, friend, co-worker, or even a mere stranger, it leaves us with a wide variety of emotions, such as pain and guilt, and questions as to why would someone feel that way about us. Let’s cover several steps that help us to heal and move forward to a happier life.

First, don’t spend a great deal of time questioning why.

Unless the person broke the relationship due to a major personality flaw on your part which they directly communicated to you as the cause of the rejection–and you already know you need to work on that aspect–quit questioning why. If there was no such communication on the offender’s part, speculation will not help you for the following reason. If the cause was a personality flaw on your part and they were not willing to communicate in such as way as to allow for healing and reconciliation in the relationship, the offender is not presently, and may never be, in a mental/emotional state to have a long-term, healthy relationship. As it is, it is much more likely, since they were unwilling to communicate in a way as to provide for reconciliation, that the major emotional issues are on their part.

Second, quit being too hard on yourself.

If you are aware of certain mistakes you made that contributed to the rejection, you can always work on changing those behaviors, even getting profession help if needed. However, you must be realistic in accessing your failures. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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A misunderstanding of forgiveness can keep you from receiving the desired resolution to the hurts you have suffered.

Some people continue to allow others to harm them because they wrongly believe that, to be loving and forgiving, they must keep giving in to the other person’s demands or lifestyle. Other people avoid forgiveness due to the fear that it requires a lowering their boundaries and allowing the person to hurt them again.

Such misconceptions takes place due to not understanding the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. God is clear that we always need to forgive, but He is also clear that you cannot always reconcile with the person who hurt you. You may recall my mentioning in another post God’s instructions in Matthew 18 on dealing with someone who harms you. In verse 15, He says that we are to confront those who harm us, clearly letting them know how they wronged us so that they will have a definite opportunity to change and make things right. However, in verse 17, God describes that, after a process of varying attempts to allow the harmful person to make a life change, it is spiritually and morally correct to distance yourself from a person who continues to harm you. When you have a clear understanding of this resolution process, and of the definitions of forgiveness and reconciliation, it (1) frees you from the past to move forward and (2) releases you from the guilt one usually feels from breaking off a relationship.

Learning to have a voice and speak of how you were wronged to those you trust as well as to the person who harmed you is an important part of personal growth and establishing boundaries.

Let’s take a slight detour and focus on why you need to be able to express your personal boundaries as well as violations to them. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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As mentioned in a recent post, resentment or bitterness results from you not dealing with past hurts. But what can be done about resentment toward you in the person or persons closest to you?

First of all, remember you can only change yourself.

You cannot make the other person forgive you or reconcile; neither can you make him or her discuss the sources of the resentment, if they are not willing. By being wise and non-confrontational in your approach, hopefully you can create a non-threatening atmosphere that will allow your significant other to be willing to discuss the hurts which bred the resentment. If you are willing to listen to the criticism and accept it in a constructive way, even if the communication toward you is not necessarily in the most pleasant of form, you will have examples to work with to make needed changes on your end. If the person is absolutely unwilling to talk at this time, you have to begin with expressing your sorrow for causing him hurt, and make changes in any areas in which you are already aware that have caused resentment. In other words, begin by not adding to the resentment that already exists, making changes to your habits or personality which you already know are offensive to your loved one.

To more easily identify problem areas, let’s take a look again at what causes resentment.

Not Confronting Boundary Violations – Due to childhood environment, some people have a very difficult time saying, “No,” for a variety of reasons:

-Especially in religious circles, people are often made to feel that they can never say “No;” they are told that a “No” response is always unloving and selfish instead of self-sacrificing. However, in Matthew 18:15 and following, God very specifically says that if someone wrongs you, you are to clearly let the person know so that he can change. Verse 17 also makes it clear that if the person is unwilling to stop the inappropriate behavior or abuse, you should distance yourself from that person. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Whether a criticism is intended to be harmful or helpful, you can still choose to be in control of how it affects you.

Criticism is similar to many other events in our lives in that we can choose both the extent to which it affects us, as well as the type of outcome it has upon us. Most of us remember the old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Yet, many people carry hurt their entire lives as a result of critical words spoken to them during childhood. While there is some truth to the old saying, the error in it is that words can “never” hurt; yes, they can hurt if we are unaware of the fact that we can choose not to allow them to harm us. This is especially the case during childhood when we are supposed to be in a loving, nurturing environment in which we shouldn’t need to protect ourselves and, hence, haven’t learned how to do so. Once we begin growing and stepping out of our protected environment, we must learn to evaluate critical statements as to whether they have any value and use the situation as an opportunity for personal growth.

A reader asked specifically about dealing with unfounded criticism, so we will also cover that in the process of this post.

First of all, consider the source of the criticism and what you perceive the person’s intent to be.

Did the criticism come from someone that is usually a harmful person by nature? If that is the case, it is most likely something that needs to be discarded. Also, if the person is harmful by nature, realize that the hostility of the words they spoke also needs to be discarded from your thought life. Their words only have power over you if you continue to think on them. Whatever you think on will alter your emotions and influence your decisions. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Depression is the result of external pressure getting inside and weighing down your thoughts/emotions.

There is a depression that has its root in physical causes, such as a deficiency of certain naturally occurring chemicals in the brain, the 3 main ones being serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. Sometimes, in mild cases, these chemicals can be replaced by protein drinks with tyrosine and phenalylanine. I read that the late Dr. Atkins has such a diet available. If you suspect you’re your depression is physically related rather than from circumstancial pressures, you may want to see your doctor for a blood test to determine a proper course of treatment. Probably the most common form of depression, however, is due to allowing the pressure of circumstances to conform one’s thoughts. I’ve mentioned this quote before, “Above all else, guard your heart [mind and will], for it is the wellspring of life (Prov. 4:23).” We must admit to the absolute necessity of controlling our thoughts for the wellbeing of our lives. Another passage says, “For as the thoughts of man’s heart are, so is he (Prov. 23:7).”

Thoughts form our emotions.

The other week I referred you to a new book out, called “Eight Steps to Create the Life You Want.” I quoted the premise for the chapters in this book of how the whole course of one’s life starts with the positive or negative words we speak; those words form our thoughts; our thoughts create emotions, etc. I’ll reference the post below if you still need to read it. The eight steps in this book illustrate how the whole direction of one’s life is altered by words, thoughts, and emotions. I listened to a talk today on depression by the author of that book, Creflo Dollar. He used to be a professional therapist in a ward for suicidal teens before becoming a pastor.

Here are the 4 steps Dr. Dollar mentioned for recovery from depression due to external circumstances: Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Resentment not dealt with is a roadblock to emotional and physical healing.

Resentment usually results from a lack of dealing with conflicts. This doesn’t necessarily mean you must resolve the conflict with the other person; sometimes, that isn’t possible, especially if the person is volatile or hostile. However, you must deal with your feelings toward the past conflict in your own mind. As will be mentioned later in this post, emotional and physical ailments result from not coming to terms with past events and dealing with your resentment.

The first step in ridding yourself of resentment is to own up to your own choices.

As the old saying goes, “It takes two to tangle.” By admitting to the mistakes you made in the situation, it enables you to stop the blame game-to stop your focus of solely blaming the other person for your problems. This does not condone the other person’s harmful behavior toward you. This does not mean that you pretend that such behavior is wrong. However, instead of being focused on solely blaming the other person, you take responsibility for your own poor choices. For example, maybe you chose to get into an abusive relationship by ignoring the warning signs. Or, maybe the conflict arose because you insisted on discussing a difficult topic when you knew the other person was too tired or ill. Or, if you are a compliant dealing with a controlling person, you need to admit that you “allowed” the other person to control you and did something that you later resented when, instead, you should have set boundaries by refusing to do what you knew was not in your best interest. If your resentment stems from being over-giving to loved ones or over-involved in a good cause, again you need to Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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This is the fifth article in our series in answer to Readers’ Questions.

First, since God is the source of love, focus on demonstrating His characteristics to those in crisis.

For some of us this will be easier than others, depending on your knowledge of God’s character. If you grew up in a religious culture of misinformation that portrayed God as unforgiving, unkind, basically inhumane, you may not have as much knowledge in that area to draw from. You may want to read through or listen to some of my previous posts on that topic, such as, “Healing by an Understanding of God’s Love” and “A Love that Isn’t Earned.” God describes Himself as compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, having mercy (undeserved favor) that is everlasting, forgiving, patient, comforting, encouraging, protective; this is just a partial list. These characteristics of God are all traits that each of us need in our lives. We were created with the need to receive these emotional, spiritual, relational exchanges with God. In the same way, we were also created with the need to share or live out these character traits with each other. Usually, life is so busy that pouring these traits of God into each other’s lives gets set aside. It is worth mentioning that most all of us need to restructure our lives so as to have the time to consistently invest in this valuable and necessary exchange with each other, but we most certainly must focus on expressing God’s loving aspects with those who are in crisis. If you are already in the habit of living this way, it will be easier, but if your life has been too busy and you’ve neglected fine tuning these traits, God will still help you and honor your efforts to bless the person in crisis by living out His loving characteristics to them in their time of need. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Leisurely

A reader asked, “Define harmful behavior.” There are many ways one can define or recognize the harmful behavior of others in your life, or even behavior of your own that is harmful to others or yourself, but the easiest way is to evaluate the results.

God says that real love does not do harm to another person, so living according to real love causes a person to completely obey all the laws of God due to living a loving lifestyle (Rom. 10:13). Thus, a person who truly loves you will not consistently live a lifestyle that brings harmful results in your life. Granted, we all lose our tempers at time and say or do things that later we have to apologize for, but the key difference is whether or not a person brings more harm than good.

Let’s take a look at how to evaluate behavior by the results. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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A reader recently asked, “How does God desire for us to handle abusive relationships?” I already have some other posts related to this topic such as recognizing real love and how to move forward after getting out of the situation which I will reference below.

Let’s cover now 6 specific steps important for anyone in an abusive relationship or trying to recover after one.

Forgive Yourself- Admit any mistakes you made in the situation. There are always mistakes on both sides. You may need to forgive yourself for getting into that relationship to begin with, especially, if in retrospect, you realize you ignored all the warning signs. Or, you may now see that you should have not waited so long to confront or abandon the relationship. Also, people often feel the need to forgive themselves for the valuable time that was lost while devoted to an unhealthy relationship.

Forget - Leave the past in the past. We all make decisions that we later regret. They cannot be changed, but we can keep from living under their shadow the rest of our lives. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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When facing extended trying circumstances, it is necessary to belligerently believe that hope still exists even when no visible signs of hope are evident. “Hope that is seen is not hope at all (Rom. 8:24).” If you did not yet read the explanation of this principle in Part 1 of The Best Hope is Not Seen, please read it first as that is the full discussion. This section, Part 2, is taking apart one of the main quotes in that post, giving the definitions from the original Greek language.

We are going to dissect the following quote from its original language as it is very beautiful, “Let us hold fast to the confession of our faith without wavering, for He who promised is faithful Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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A lack of change in trying circumstances over an extended length of time often creates a feeling of hopelessness.

I have recently talked to a couple of different loved ones who are going through situations that are creating severe emotional struggles and feelings of hopelessness. Various difficult situations in each person’s life have gone on unchanged for so long that there is no visible sign of hope, no discernable way out of their trying circumstances. We have talked in previous posts about the necessity of positive thinking and speaking in an attitude of faith over one’s life; this is especially beneficial when one speaks the promises of God over one’s life. Scripture speaks of holding fast to what you confess in faith “without wavering (Heb. 10:23).” (The meaning in the Greek of this verse is wonderful. I’ll do a follow-up post on it.) The popular philosophy of Law of Attraction also promotes speaking out the positive changes in your life in an unwavering manner until you see them come to reality.

It takes a level of belligerence to hold on to hope.

I recall hearing a study on the news some years ago on people who lived to be over 100 years old. The sole factor they had in common was not any particular health habits but a decision to Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Leisurely

Want physical health? Your emotional hurts may be as much as 85% of the root cause of your physical health problems!

There was an astounding statistic in an article on 12 Tips to Preventing Cancer from Dr. Mercola’s email newsletter which said, “Even the CDC [government's Center for Disease Prevention and Control] states that 85 percent of disease is caused by emotions. It is likely that this factor may be more important than all the other physical ones listed here…”(1) Those of us who readily acknowledge our need for emotional healing will have little difficulty listing a broad range of physical conditions that are in need of healing as well.

To see physical healing, we must come to terms with the emotional hurts of the past and present.

If you are struggling with past hurts, Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Gratifying

There are occasionally those times in each of our lives when we are faced with the pain of a broken relationship, whether it be a trusted friend, spouse, or significant other.

The pain is very real and the grieving process is natural and necessary. Yet, there are a couple of easy, helpful ways to daily restore hope and joy to your wounded heart while going through that grieving process. You can choose to restore hope and joy to your heart on a daily basis instead of groveling in (staying focused on) the pain and betrayal. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

Reading Level: Impassioned

Please read Recognizing Real Love Part 1 before continuing this post. It contains all the foundational points for the illustration I will be covering below.

It is not God’s desire for any person to come to the end of his/her life having never experienced truly loving relationships on a consistent basis. However, many times religious beliefs or a compliant personality cause many people to endure long-term, emotionally unhealthy relationships because they suffer from an unrealistic guilt about getting help and/or getting away from the abusive relationship.

The abuser frequently tells the submissive person that he/she loves them, but then lives a lifetime of behavior that causes emotional and even physical harm to the other person. For a compliant personality type, the extreme contradiction in words and behavior is not enough to compel them to get help or make a change to bring the necessary healing to their lives.

Again, let me emphasize, infrequent, low-level hurtful behavior does take place in healthy relationships. However, allowing another person to treat you with consistent, immensely hurtful behavior will have lasting effects, deepening harm to one’s emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being the longer it is allowed to continue. If you are having difficulty in dealing with such a relationship in ways that will bring definite healing to your life, finding a reputable counselor is must. As the boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable behavior are not always clearly defined in our minds, we utilized a detailed definition of real love in Part One. A good starting place for distinguishing between acceptable and unacceptable behavior, between healthy and destructive relationships in your life, is using Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »