Today I am going to share with you excerpts from an article by mental health therapist, Jennifer Jones.  Jennifer is a fantastic writer and has a couple of extremely popular relationship sites on the web with practical, beneficial insight.  I encourage you to use the link below to read her full post.

Excerpts from Ten Simple Ways to Fall in Love Again by Jennifer Jones 

1. Enjoy memories together. When we reflect on good, happy memories we recreate the emotions and feelings in our body/mind that went along with the experience…

2. Plan for the future and share your dreams. Having something to look forward to is one of the keys to living a happy life…

3. Live in the present. Don’t let even one minute of joy, laughter, or pleasure be taken for granted…Look for those moments of quiet peace, or vibrant joy, or wild excitement…

4. Demonstrate appreciation. Do everything you can to make sure your beloved knows that you adore and cherish him or her…

5. Look for the good in your partner. Remember when you first met? You saw nothing wrong with your significant other…Of course in time…that impression may fade just a tad so consciously find for the great qualities…

6. Engage in new activities. Humans tend to thrive on new experiences… we often get into ruts…put some vibrancy into the relationship is to get out and do something new.

7. Have lots of fun. It is so much to laugh together. I’m thinking it is nearly impossible to not love those who make us laugh…

8. Work on projects together. …When a couple is working in unison to bring forth something beneficial to their family, their neighborhood, their community, the world, or even animals, they can create a bond that is incredibly powerful…

9. Remember what is truly important in life. Think about what is important in the long term, not what will give you a moment of pleasure…Remind yourself of your core personal values or morals…

10. Give attention and support your beloved. It sounds strange but we know that the more we give, care, or serve another the more we love them…

Please Click Here to Read Jennifer’s Full Article.

Table of contents for Relationship Issues Q&A

1. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 1
2. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 2

Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, one of my favorite authors, recently appeared as a guest speaker in “The 2010 Family.”series by Bill Hybel. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” and “Safe People.”

This is a continuation of a 2 part post. If you missed Part 1, use the above series link.

These are paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s question and answer session on some of life’s toughest relationship questions. Please use the link below to watch or listen to the full video or audio. The insights will greatly benefit yourself, your friends, and family.

5. With regard to blended families and step families, how can a parent continue a close relationship with a child who is living with the other re-married parent and both parental roles are already being fulfilled in the child’s life?

This is a painful scenario and there is no way to go through this without feeling some loss. However, the first important step is to remove from your thoughts the concept of “either/or” because you are both in the child’s life. You don’t have control of when you are not there, but you do have 100% control of the relationship you have when you are together with your child. First, if you are nurturing, warm, and positive and do great stuff together, yet have requirements and expectations that he live by your rules, even if the other parent is a non-structure type, kids deep down eventually gravitate toward structure. You will face fights and some “prodigal son” moments, but continue to be the best person you can be in regards to loving and discipline. The child will develop an attachment to you based on that.

The second important point is don’t poison the other relationship with the step parent or the one with your ex. You want the child to have as many positive relationships as possible.

Third, have a transcendent desire, one that transcends any wounds, and can come together to work on what is best for the kids. It is so easy to get caught up in rehashing old hurts and wants. You can still come together, agreeing that “These are our issues. We will never get along on these points, otherwise we would still be married.” Then carve out a space where you can come together solely to work on what is best for the children.

6. What is your advice for a couple whose interests are so different that they never spend any time together?

Something is wrong if you only spend time pursuing your own personal tastes/interests. There are vital things in life that we all should be interested in, unless we are living a life only to ourselves, an ego-centric life that does not transcend our own interests. You and your spouse should be involved in some universal interests, like reaching out to the poor or extended family, doing activities with your kids, community service involvement, spiritual activities at the church. So, first find universal things to be involved in that have nothing to do with person tastes.

Second, move past your own interests to the interests of others [in your mindset and lifestyle]. Cross the fence and become of student of your spouse’s heart, mind, soul, strengths, and passions. [Dr. Cloud then gave the example of a man who hated art but loved going to his wife’s art exhibits because he realized he was able to see another part of her, a part of her life’s passion and talents that he could not see otherwise; it was another part of her person that he could fall in love with as he immersed himself in watching her in her element.

7. As a clinical psychologist, what are some of the key elements to get right with our families?

If you do the most important one, most of the others will fall into place. Go back to the original design of how God designed marriage to work. The formula God gave of leaving parents, cleaving to your spouse, and becoming one [Gen.2:24] contains life-changing dynamics.

The leaving must take first before the cleaving. When a person doesn’t do the “leave” part, it is because of not wanting to stand up to the parent’s control issues–wanting [the grown child] to stay forever or wanting intrusion rights– or because [the grown child] is still in a dependency relationship with the parent emotionally, financially or desiring approval. The Hebrew word for leave is brutal; it means utterly forsake. This does not mean to abandon your parents, because we are supposed to have intergenerational ties and relationships. However, what you forsake is that child role from your family of origin; be an adult and now cleave to your spouse.

The next step in the formula is two whole people become one. The oneness is created by two whole people coming together. Here is the typical problem, though; if you are not a complete person as an adult, if you are a half person looking for another half person to make a whole, ½ x ½ = ¼! When we bring brokenness into brokenness, we get reduced to less of a person than we were to begin with and we just want out so that the pain will stop.

To make a relationship work, the key is that both spouses must be on a path to become whole, mature, complete people. It does not mean perfect people, but that you’ve worked out the stuff so [when a crisis occurs], you don’t whine like a two year old; you get up and solve the problem. Men need to be in groups of men who will give them the support they did not get from their families of origin, and the same with women, see your [counselor] or whatever you have to do so that both people are becoming whole persons and then establish a family, and pass that wholeness on. This is the best thing you can do.

Last , you’ve got to have a strategic plan for your family and do it with intention. The rule of life is that the urgent will always crowd out the vital. Carve out purposeful times that are going to be reserved for you, and for the support groups. We also have a family meeting every week where we talk about “What can we do better this week? What do we want you to do better this week? What do you want us to do better this week?” We are working on things and we’re growing together. When you do that, if you are getting good information and you are growing, you are going to succeed.

To make full use of the vital information Dr. Cloud has provided, please use this link to watch the video or audio. Click “2010 Family” on the play list. Dr. Cloud’s session is the February 6/7 session in the play list.

Table of contents for Relationship Issues Q&A

1. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 1
2. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 2

Bill Hybels is running a series called, “The 2010 Family.”

Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, one of my favorite authors and one frequently quoted on this site, appeared as a guest speaker in “The 2010 Family” series. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” and “Safe People.”

Here are some paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s question and answer session on some of life’s toughest relationship questions. We’ll do this in a 2 part post.  Please use the link below to watch or listen to the full video or audio.

1. Where do you draw the line between tough love and unconditional love?

There is a problem with this term of “drawing the line.” When we look at God’s personality, His expectations are done in ways that are perfectly loving and honest so He never has to “draw the line” due to having gone too far down an enabling, co-dependent road. With parents, too often we have let the child go too long down a path without consequences until it is at a point where harm will come to them if he (or she does) not get control of himself. It should never get to this point, but if it does, it should be done in a loving way.

As for child discipline, in this culture people often say, “Don’t say ‘No’ to your child; give them choices.” As an adult, one runs into ‘No’s,’ with speed limits, job requirements, etc. Our job as parents is to arrange situations in a way that when they make good decisions then good things happen and when they make bad decisions bad things happen. The goal is to transfer self control to the child. They should grow to the point of being in charge of themselves and feeling, “Oh, I better do it this way so something uncomfortable does not happen.” …we must take a stance that requires them to step into maturity so they are in control and we can finally delegate that job to them.

2. How do you address character issues in marriage? How do you let a spouse know you want more from a relationship without making them feel like a bad spouse?

In response to the first part of the question, most problems are the same in every marriage whether or not it is a good marriage, unless something strange is going on. It is how it is handled that makes the difference. Research shows that you can predict divorce in couples by 90% accuracy if couples (1) are judgmental, critical in giving feedback to each other instead of problem solving and (2) if they have a lot of contempt for the spouse.

To answer the second part of the questions, the best way to talk without making the other person feel bad is to talk about what you both want in the relationship that is positive. Express how their behavior is affecting what you both want…By talking about how the behavior’s negatively affecting what you both want out of the relationship, you are not saying they are a bad person but that the situations are negatively affecting what is important to them. If you’ve been unable to make these changes on your own [as a couple], you should probably talk to a counselor or pastor, too.

3. How do I balance time between work, family, friends, hobbies, etc?

Technology has created more difficulties in this area. Before, work had walls and time boundaries. Now we bring it home. If “life” is not protected, than life will not happen. [Dr. Cloud has a book on this topic, “The One Life Solution.”] A main quote of mine is “Follow the misery and make a rule.”

It is similar to God’s rule for the Sabbath, that there should be a protected, designated time, sometime during the week, for rest. Studies show that your brain needs downtime to grow new neuro-pathways. Couples need to talk about “Where is this not working for us?” and set some boundaries, protect your relationships. Examples, no work at home or no work email at home, set weekly date night with no kids, set weekly family meeting. If you do not put the vital things of life into protective structures, something will always get in the way.

4. How can one trust again after having experienced repeated unfaithful spouses?

First, this is one of the most painful experiences a person can go through. But if you have consistently had this experience, before marrying again, you may want to check your “people picker.” Bad people do “happen” to good people, but sometimes we make it easier for it to happen with our blind spots. Go through a good divorce recovery and see why you choose self-absorbed or unfaithful spouses and why you don’t recognize it earlier on in the relationship. We sometimes come into marriage lacking wholeness. We may have parts of us that are inaccessible to bring into the relationship or we do not have the skills to handle hurts that happen. Marriage needs to be a place to bring all of yourself. When you are hurt, you are able to bring that hurt and resolve it instead of take it someplace else. Or, when your needs are not being met, you also show up with your conflict resolution skills and work it out…When you get something immature from your spouse, don’t be overcome by that. Do not let them regress you..if you don’t have that in you, get a support group so that you can take health into the relationship. (Use the link below to hear Dr. Cloud input on if you want to restore a relationship broken by unfaithfulness.)

We will continue with more paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s relationship question and answer session in Part 2 of this post. Again, please use this link to watch the video or use the audio. It is the February 6/7 session in the play list.

If you missed Bill’s Hybel’s talk on “5 Key Compatiblities” to look for to guide you through easy-to-follow principles for determining your compatibility in a relationship, be sure to read it for your own benefit and that of your friends and family. Good information for everyone! This talk is the January 9/10 session in the media player list (2nd from the bottom). Click here to go now. Click the + sign to open the 2010 Family play list.

Do you appear to choose compatible dating and marriage relationships only to see them fall apart? Some basic points can ensure your compatibility in your long-term relationships.

I came across a link to a video feed (audio only also) of Bill’s Hybel’s talk on “5 Key Compatiblities to look for to guide you through the tricky process of finding a lifetime partner.” I’ve already shared it with a friend and he benefited immensely. Bill covers such incredibly practical yet easy-to-follow principles for determining your compatibility in a relationship that I wanted to share the basic points and link with you, our readership.

This is a brief summary of the 5 Key Compatibilities but I encourage you to watch/listen to the full talk (link below). You will not be disappointed!

1. Spiritual Intensity and Purpose – Do you seek after God with a similar level of passion? Are your spiritual life — purposes similar? Faith permeates a person’s being and has massive implications in their inner world, changes how they think, behave, love, how they spend spare time, etc. It is a person’s core identity and defines them.

2. Character – You must match equally with your commitment to the same level of character or you set yourself up to face a lifetime of trust-shattering incidents.

3. Emotional Health – There is a long complicated story to each person’s past which must be uncovered thoroughly before you can have any idea of who the other person is. Have each of your you’re your past pains been processed enough to be able to make forward progress in a relationship? If not, it is not the time to feel sorry for someone and try to rescue them.

4. Communication Ability – The extent to which two people can engage each other in truthful, gracious communication is the single greatest determiner of the health and sustainability of a relationship. Pay attention to each of your abilities to resolve arguments and differences. Are you both able to handle intense arguments properly?

5. Mutual Physical Attraction – Though dismissed as unnecessary in some fields of thought, it is an important element of a lifetime relationship. There should be a physical spark that flows through you when the other person enters the room, though this is not the most important element.

Bill Hybels is running a series called, “The 2010 Family.” This talk is the January 9/10 session in the media player list. Click here to go now.

Check back for an upcoming talk by one of our favorite relationship psychologists, often quoted on this site, Dr. Henry Cloud.

On February 6/7, Bill Hybers is having Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, as a guest speaker in “The 2010 Family” series. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” “Safe People” and will tackle your toughest questions on relationships with those you love. Use the above link to go back to the site around February 9th or so to hear the session by Dr. Cloud.

If you are a giver and your giving has left yourself in need, it is time to re-prioritize.

In actuality, all the people you love, those that you have expended yourself to help and sacrificed your own well-being, will be better off after you re-focus on self help! This article by fellow SelfGrowth.com professional, Lori Snyder, covers 10 basic steps for getting back to daily care for yourself.

Lori admits that she herself was so busy with everyone else’s needs that she sidelined her own needs, only to discover that the reality was, by neglecting her own needs and not meeting them first, she was not able to give her best to those she loves. These are brief excerpts from Ms. Snyder’s article. Use the link in the footnote below to read the full article.

1. Start each day filled with gratitude for all that you are…Appreciate the beauty all around you. [I would suggest, at the beginning, to make a list of self appreciation points. If you’ve neglected yourself for a long time, it will be difficult at the beginning to really focus on your own value.]

2. Count your blessings for the people who you love and who love you…They all come, and some go, for a reason.

3. Take a moment of silence for yourself to meditate, and think about what your needs of the day are, and what you would like to accomplish.

4. Be mindful of your health, and incorporate a wellness schedule into your week. Exercise, eat healthy, get enough rest.

5. Look at your goals sheet quickly each week, and evaluate how you are doing with them.

6. Learn new things, research something you have always been interested in. Talk about them with your loved ones.

7. Take the time to give loved ones and friends, a squeezing hug.

8. Come from a positive mindset. This will help you to create a happier state of being.

9. Take time to play. This can be any hobby or activity that you truly enjoy.

10. Do not be afraid to say no to someone…Tell them you still care about their needs, it is just that you cannot do what they ask of you at this time. You can choose to state your reasons for your decision or not.

This ending quote by Lori is both a good summary and challenge:

If your needs are met, you will be in much better spiritual, mental and physical shape to be there for all the people in your life who are important to you. And you will be in a much happier frame of mind to want to support them with their needs.

Please use this link to read Lori Snyder’s full article, Looking Out for Number One. 

Do holiday family gatherings bring joy or difficult memories and painful feelings?

I came across a helpful article by fellow SelfGrowth.com author Laurie McAnaugh; here are some excerpts from it to help you overcome the negativity and enjoy your holiday experience. Use the links in the footnotes to read her full article.

Ms. McAnaugh discusses that if holidays are emotionally draining to you rather than a time to enjoy remembrances of all you have to be thankful for, you may need to ask yourself the following questions:

-Why do I behave that way when I’m around certain members of my family?

-I don’t always like who I am when I am around that person.

-What is it about that person that they constantly say things that hurt my feelings?

-What is it about me that I allow that person to get under my skin?

If the holidays cause you to have the above thoughts, Ms. McAnaugh encourages you to ponder these questions:

-How would it feel to spend the holidays with each of your family members and still feel good about yourself, during and after the experience?

-How would it feel to imagine a solid bubble around yourself that protects you from any insult or negative words?

-How would it feel to believe so strongly in your positive contribution to the world that you simply have no need to react at all to anything anyone says or thinks about you?

This is a great quote from Laurie on having true power during your holiday interactions:

When we focus our energy on someone else’s choices…we let them affect us in ways that cause us frustration, guilt and defensiveness. If we could consider that this person is doing the best they can with the tools they have…and their choices are a reflection on them…it would remind us that how we react to others is a choice that only we can make. As much as we want to believe that controlling the actions of others would make our lives easier, in fact it’s really the other way around. Being in control of our own actions and most of all, reactions, is a characteristic of true power.

Rather than focusing on the words and actions of others, Ms. McAnaugh admonishes us to focus on what we can control—our own behavior and being who we want to be.

It should be noted, when interacting with others, it’s always necessary to take responsibility for our own behavior. Learning to step away from a situation to ask ourselves, “Is this who I want to be?…Am I acting out of guilt, jealousy or an unnecessary need to be understood by others?” When we step away to observe our own actions, it is…a time to own it, fix it and then move on. There’s nothing more powerful then saying, “That behavior and way of thinking is not in line with who I want to be. I know I can do better.”

Laurie concludes her article with the well stated point that when we decide that our own positive opinion of ourselves is the most important one, we are less affected by others’ opinions and can simply ignore others’ negativity.

Click Here to Read Laurie’s Full Article: Learning to Enjoy The Holidays No Matter Where You Are 
Laurie McAnaugh is the founder of Access Your Power and achieves her mission through teaching workshops, consulting privately with clients and presenting to groups nationwide.  Her website is http://www.choosetobepowerful.com

We all know that the people we love are more important than any thing or event or responsibility in life.

Though we all know this fact, more often than not we allow life’s busyness to override that knowledge, pushing aside the priorities that are the utmost in importance. I decided this week to check in on a few of my favorite blog authors. I stopped by one of the sites run by Jennifer Jones, a Psychologist and Mental Health Counselor, called The Art of Love and Intimacy. She recently lost her brother to cancer.

Jennifer put up a post very effectively reminding us all of what is important in life, “Love Your Beloved…Let go of the unimportant.”

I’m putting an excerpt here from her post, but please use the link below to read it in full. It is a valuable reminder that we do not hear enough!

It is these very difficult times in life, when we remember what is really important. What is important is not our home, our position, our possessions; it is not who wins a fight, has picked up the laundry, or taken out the trash.

What is important is our loved ones.

… remind yourself how much you love your beloved. Take the time to express how deeply you care; how grateful you are, and how important your love and relationship is.

Laugh together. Enjoy each other. Cherish one another.

Let go of the unimportant….More than anything…. love.

Please use this link to read Jennifer’s full post from July 31, 2009.
Click here to go to Jennifer’s hompage.

Do your efforts to maintain your self esteem cultivate an environment of self worth or defeat for those around you?

Some of the most difficult people with whom to maintain healthy long-term relationships are those who feel that every conflict of opinion is an opportunity to prove that they are “right,” rather than come to a mutual understanding of other people’s points of views. Every disagreement instantly puts them into a “challenge to win” mode, which, unfortunately for the people in the relationships around them, means someone else must first lose. Another person is never allowed to have a different way of doing something because this person’s way is always better, as far as he or she is concerned. We cannot always avoid this type of person, as they may be a required part of the environment at work, home, or other frequented social settings. Today, however, let’s look at this in a more personal way.

Ask yourself, “Am I the type of person whose determination to always win produces an environment of defeat for other people?”

Joel Osteen is well-known worldwide for his gifting of encouragement. I’ve listened to him speak in the past, but had never been to his blog. This morning I felt the unusual impression to make my way there and came across a story on Joel and Victoria’s blog about a counseling session with this type of person. This comment was very insightful:

She didn’t recognize that her desire to be right all the time was driving home the point that everyone around her was wrong. She was creating a losing environment for her husband and children and depleting their sense of worth and value. Sadly, she didn’t even realize it… If you never let your spouse or your children win, you’re creating a spirit of defeat on the inside of them. Eventually, your family will just quit trying and lose that passion to win. (See Footnote)

You do not want to be responsible for creating a spirit of defeat in those with whom you daily interact when you have the power to cultivate a self esteem-building environment instead.

The blog went on to say that if you allow others to have winning moments, building their self esteems, you will live in an environment of winners. This description gives a good mental image for this concept.

You definitely do not want to create a self esteem-destroying environment with your spouse or children. But even in your less emotionally close associations at work or other frequented social settings such as clubs, boards, councils, etc, you do not want to be responsible for creating an environment which defeats people’s self esteems.

To motivate yourself toward change, ask yourself these questions.

1. Do I really want to be responsible for negatively affecting someone’s value of their own gift of life?
2. Do I want to be responsible for anyone being less effective in what they do or not reaching as high a goal as they would have if I had not beat down their self esteem?
3. Do I want to negatively affect someone else’s destiny?

Cultivating an environment of healthy self esteem is a win/win situation.

If you have lived out the feeling of a “challenge to win and make someone else lose” whenever they have a differing opinion, the realization that such action causes you to lose as well by harming your important relationships may be motivational enough to put an end to that game once and for all. By being aware of how your proper responses can build someone else’s self worth, you are becoming a better person, a less self-focused person. Rather than being motivated by a false desire that you “win” when you make someone else “lose,” draw satisfaction from the truth that allowing others the freedom to express themselves and implement their ideas and visions makes you a participant in their personal growth and success. And, not any less vital, cultivating the environment of self esteem will allow your relationships to flourish with life-long benefits!

The first quote was taken from the August 20th, 2009, post on Joel Osteen’s site. If you would like to read their full post on the topic, click here.

Table of contents for Freeing Yourself from Abusive Relationships

1. Practical Steps to Free Yourself
2. Spiritual Guidelines to Stay Free

Reading Level: Gratifying

Those in abusive relationships frequently live in a state of confusion and hopelessness or blaming God for not helping them because they are unable to identify why continual destruction takes place in their lives.

Unfortunately, one is usually unaware of how his daily choices, lack of boundaries, and violating of spiritual and natural laws open the doors for harm to repeatedly come to him. Today I want to help you identify areas of your life that may be “opening the door” to harm in your circumstances and relationships. If you can begin seeing where you are violating spiritual boundaries or guidelines that God set up for your own protection, you can avoid the pitfalls, protect your life, and fulfill your destiny.

A person who continually faces destruction in his life often feels that he is being loving “like God” by giving in to controlling people and not having boundaries to protect his life and destiny.

This person often becomes bitter and blames God for the hardships he or she is suffering, but it is not God that has caused these things. God is not just “loving,” He IS Iove itself. There is a difference. He is perfect love and His perfect love includes boundaries, natural and spiritual laws, correction, and justice for the sake of our protection and well-being. To have real love and beneficial results in one’s daily life and relationships, you must implement God’s type of love, a real love that has boundaries and protection built into it.

A person would not blame God for self-imposed harm that came to someone who chose to violate the laws of nature. Yet, whether or not you implement spiritual laws for daily relationships is also a decision to avoid or cause self-imposed harm.

Here is an illustration. If someone chooses to violate the natural law of gravity by jumping off a skyscraper and bringing destruction to his or her physical body, you would not blame God for the result of their choice. God did not do it to them. The person chose to violate a natural law and it resulted in personal harm. God lists in Scripture many practical, daily guidelines (I’m going to call them spiritual laws as compared to laws of nature), which are given to help us be wise in our relationships with people, particularly those who are controlling or potentially harmful to us. People often violate these laws for one of three reasons:

–A lack of knowledge. They have never received instruction on the subject.

–They know about them but mistakenly feel that compromise is a loving choice because it is what the controlling person wants them to do.

–The person is so worn out by surrounding themselves with “leech” type people instead of giving people that they do not have the strength to fight for their personal rights, well-being, and fulfillment of destiny.

By stating the following spiritual guidelines as what should be avoided, it will be easier for you to identify if you already have violations of these spiritual guidelines affecting your relationships with people, and make changes necessary to bring restoration to your life. My comments on the spiritual laws will be in brackets and italics.

Avoid Selfish People:
Jas. 3:16 For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. (NIV)

Avoid Strife-Causing People:
Jas. 3:16 For where envying and strife are, there is confusion, unrest, disharmony, and all sorts of evil and vile practices. (AMP) [Notice that self-seeking people and those who cause strife create an environment filled with evil and confusion. As a result, close associations with these type of people will bring destructive circumstances into your life and difficulty in making good decisions.]

Avoid Worrying and Those Who Create Worrisome Situations:
Mr. 4:18-20 Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. [Those whose actions consistently cause you worry and create worrisome situations in your life will also drain you of energy and make your life "unfruitful" or unproductive.]

Avoid Associations or Situations Devoid of Integrity:
Prov. 10:2 Treasures of wickedness profit nothing, but righteousness, moral and spiritual rectitude [goodness and integrity] in every area and relation, delivers from death. [Just as this proverb states that a person whose character contains goodness and integrity in every aspect and relationship of his or her lifestyle delivers from "death," so the opposite is also true. Close associations with those devoid of goodness and integrity in every aspect of their person and relationships will cause death {circumstances destructive to life} not only in their own lives, but in your life.]

Avoid Close Association with Foolish Speaking People:
Prov. 10:10 The lips of the foolish will lead to ruin but he who boldly reproves makes peace. [Speaking foolishly yourself or close association with someone who does results in unnecessary harm.]

Avoid Those who Refuse Correction:
Prov. 10:17 He who heeds instruction and correction is not only himself in the way of life but also is a way of life for others. And he who neglects or refuses reproof not only himself goes astray but also causes to err and is a path toward ruin for others. [Some people live a lifestyle of refusing to accept good instruction. Neither will they take responsibility for the fact that their poor choices are the source of their problems; someone else is always to blame. Notice that God instructs that such a person not only brings ruin on himself/herself, but also causes ruin to come to those around them.]

Avoid Speaking Death over Any Area of Life:
Prov. 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue. [Rather than speak about how bad a situation is, speak how it should be. Even with your physical health, the body responds to your words. When you say, "I am sick," you are commanding your body to be, or stay, ill. Instead, if you say, "I am recovering," you are telling your body to heal itself. Either way, your body responds to your words. According to this proverb, the positive or negative aspect of your words affect the entire outcome of your life, either positively or negatively. To read my post with the information on how your words affect the nerves in your brain, click here to read "Healing Words."]

Avoid “Bad Boy Syndrome” in Relationships:
Jn. 3:16, “For God so loved that He gave…” [God loves, so He gives. Seek relationships of God-like givers, not user/abusers. I have seen friends who choose loving, giving people to be their life-long friends, but always pick controllers, users, or abusers to be romantically involved with as a husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend. Realize that the good, giving-type people you know you need as friends must be the same type of people with whom you choose to have a life-long, intimate relationship.]

Avoid All Decisions Based on Fear and/or Withdrawal of Love:
[If you missed my post on how various fears in your personal relationships can cause poor decisions, click here to read "Motivation Check." ]

Avoid a Poverty Mindset:
Ps. 35:27 Shout for joy and be glad and say continually, “Let the Lord be magnified, who takes pleasure in the prosperity of me, His servant.” [Just as your words produce death or life, so do negative or positive thoughts. What you believe determines your frame of mind and whether you are able to receive good from people, as well as whether you are able to notice beneficial opportunities. God instructs us to continually speak out loud with a mindset of joy that God takes pleasure or delight in our lives prospering in all its facets.]

Avoid Leeches Financially, Spiritually , Emotionally, Time-wise, Sleep-wise, and Energy-wise:
Prov. 30:15 “The leech has two daughters. ‘Give! Give!’ they cry. “There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, ‘Enough!’” [This is an unusual proverb, but it means, if you allow it, there will be people in your life who are like "leeches;" no matter how much you give, they expect more of you and are never satisfied with the amount of your giving. Like a blood-sucking leech, such people will drain all of the life out of you-physically, financially, spiritually, etc.]

Avoid Condoning Violations of Spiritual Laws in Your Household:
2 Thes. 3:10 For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “If a man will not work, he shall not eat.”

Prov. 18:9 He who is loose and slack in his work is brother to him who is a destroyer and he who does not use his endeavors to heal himself is brother to him who commits suicide. [These 2 verses show that it is morally wrong, a violation of God's standards, for you to support someone who refuses to work even though they are able. This concept is further explained in the next quote.]

Gal. 6:2-5 Bear one another’s burdens… But let each man test his own work, and then he will take pride in himself. For each man will carry his own load. [The word, "burdens," refers to a boulder-type obstacle, something impossible for an individual to handle. It is a situation that needs outside assistance; still, realize that you as an individual cannot handle the other person's overwhelming problem on your own instead of them either. This shows it is not morally acceptable before God for the other person to expect you to solve his problems-or make a living for him. In the same context, verse 5 says, "for each one should carry his own load." "Load" in the original Greek means a difficulty which is comparable to a backpack. In other words, in God's view, every person is responsible for the problems he or she can "carry" or take care of himself or herself.]

Gal. 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. [Do not violate the spiritual law of sowing and reaping in a person's life. It will actually harm both you and the other person. If a person takes responsibility to plant corn, and fertilize, and water, he should "reap" or eat of the harvest--the results of his responsibility. If he was too lazy to plant the corn, or planted it and then gave up on his responsibilities to nurture it, he should "reap" what he did--nothing. When you take over and keep the irresponsible person from "reaping" the discomfort or financial lack from his actions, you cause him to stay irresponsible. God established both natural and spiritual laws of sowing and reaping to protect you from abuse, as well as to protect the irresponsible person from his own harmful tendencies. If he or she "reaps" continual discomfort or financial lack from their behavior, it becomes motivational for him or her to change.]

Avoid Self-Condemnation:
Rom. 8:1 There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus, who live not after the desires of the flesh but the desires of the Spirit. [Due to the weariness that comes from extended trying circumstances, everyone has an occasional day when, emotionally, they feel discouraged, hopeless, unable to be strong for other people, etc. You make a difficult situation even harder if you listen to the negatives voices in your mind which bring self­-condemnation for not staying perfectly hopeful and strong. I heard a great word of encouragement the other day from Joel Osteen. He said, "Even Jesus fell down under the weight of His cross. He fell on the way to His victory." In the Romans 8 quote, God says that He does not condemn the person who has received forgiveness and reconciliation to Him through Jesus; this means the voices of condemnation are never from God and need to be cast out of your thought-life.

Also, just as in any healthy relationship, if the other person realizes an offense and sincerely apologizes, you forgive and go on without harboring bitterness or repeatedly bringing up the offense. Since God desires to exist in a healthy relationship with each of us, when you ask forgiveness, He truly does forgive and forget. Realizing this fact, you must not allow your imagination to think that God is continuing to punish you through your circumstances; neither should you continue to beat yourself down with guilt.]

Avoid Leaving the Sheep Gate Open:
John 10:1-5 [In this passage, Jesus clearly says that there is to be a fence of protection with a protective gate and a watchman that opens it for "good pasture" but closes it to keep out the thief, lions, bears, all that harm His sheep. It is your responsibility to "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (Pr 4:23) Most everything harmful to your body, spirit, mind, emotions, destiny, finances, etc. starts with words and actions from other people that come into your mind and begin harming your thoughts and resulting choices. Not guarding yourself from such people's influence will result in harm to all the various aspects of your life, just as if a shepherd left the sheep gate open or without a watchman to guard it. You must be an efficient watchman over the gate to your life! You must keep the fence intact. God expects you to protect your life from harmful, controlling, abusive people. When you allow harm in and keep the beneficial out, you violate the spiritual law of the sheep gate. Harm will come in all areas of your life if you live a fenceless, gateless life toward people that harm you.]

Avoid Compromise of Righteousness:
Prov. 10:11 The mouth of the [uncompromisingly] righteous man is a well of life. [Not compromising what you know is good and right for you and your God-given destiny brings a fulfilling life. The opposite is also true and must be avoided. Compromising what you know to be wisdom or what you know are healthy spiritual laws will cut off the open doors and paths that lead to your destiny-- the fulfillment of your life purpose.]

Table of contents for Freeing Yourself from Abusive Relationships

1. Practical Steps to Free Yourself
2. Spiritual Guidelines to Stay Free

Reading Level: Gratifying

Have you ever wished for a plan of action to get out of the abusive relationships in your life?

There is a step by step plan in an exceptional article written by Dr. Joseph Carver, Psychologist, explaining how to free yourself from controlling people and/or abusive people. Dr. Carver says that most people fail trying to get out of abusive relationships because “they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources.” Dr. Carver is a reputable psychologist whose articles on Love and the Stockholm Syndrome and the article we will discuss in this post are used by counseling groups across the globe.

Dr. Carver says that there are 3 necessary stages in freeing yourself from abusive and controlling people: The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection. These are only brief, paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Carver’s article. Please use the link here or below to read his article in full so that you have all the practical steps, information, and confidence you need to free yourself and start over on a new healthy path to a life that fulfills the God-given destiny for your existence!

Stage 1: The Detachment

-The abuser will have caused you isolation by methods such as controlling the finances, modes of transportation, etc. Pay attention to methods the controller is using to isolate you from freedom and help.

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, and share less feelings. The goal is to lessen the abuser’s emotional attachment to you.

- Quietly contact your family and friends to determine who can provide a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc. [An added note, only contact those who will keep your plans absolutely confidential.]

- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options.

- Slowly remove your valuables from the home. You may lose some personal items.

- Stop arguing. Stop defending and explaining yourself. Express that you are too stressed or confused to know why you are doing anything anymore.

- Drop hints that you are burned out and confused about your life. The abuser never takes responsibility for problems in any relationship and will feel better about ending it if they can put blame on you.

- Don’t start another relationship. The controller will quickly find another victim and become attached if you “lay low.”

- When the abuser/controller questions your new behavior, continue to confess confusion about your life in as boring a manner as possible. This sets the foundation for getting out.

Stage 2: Ending the Relationship

Since the abuser or controller does not take personal responsibility and would respond with anger to any criticism, your new behavior described in the detachment must continue while ending the relationship.

- While continuing to act burned out and confused, Dr. Carver says to express that “I can’t feel anything for anybody and I want to end the relationship for your benefit. I’m not right for anyone at this point in my life.”

- If “The Loser” panics, and responds acts of appreciation, react to each with a boring word thanks. If you overreact or give in, you’ve lost control again.

- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don’t agree to options for negotiating. The controller will contact you as long as they feel they can manipulate you.

- Realize the abuser/controller will try to make you feel guilty for a large variety of things. Again, do not be moved. Respond in a boring manner.

- Do not waste time trying to explain your feelings. Your feelings are irrelevant to the abuser. Explaining gives more opportunity for him to cause guilt and manipulation.

- Don’t fall for sudden changes in behavior by the controller. You know how he or she is normally and they will always return to the abusive behavior.

- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of family/friends. You will need the assistance but keep it confidential from the abuser.

- Don’t use terms like “someday”, “maybe”, or “in the future” with the relationship. The controller will put more pressure on you. Dr. Carver gives the example of how a slot machine that gives a small winning keeps a person hopeful. Stay stern, stable, [and boring] about ending the relationship with no hope of reconciliation. If you waver at all, the abuser will continue pressure. If there is no “pay off,” he or she will move on.

Stage 3: Follow-up Protection

Remember that the abuser or controller never sees himself as having a problem. He or she may think you are going through a phase and contact you after the relationship is terminated.

- Never change your original position that it’s permanently over!

- Don’t agree to meetings to discuss old times. This is his or her way to upset you.

- Do not discuss any personal information about your new life or relationships. Only mention unimportant talk, as one would with any person on the phone that you don’t want to talk to. Say that his or her life and your life are both private.

- If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad “Loser”, provide only a status report, much like you’d provide to marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else.

- When the abuser or control says how difficult the breakup has been, share general thoughts only, such as, “Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. I’m sure we’ll eventually find someone that’s right for both of us.”

- Keep all contact short and sweet – the shorter the better. Always be “on your way out the door” or cooking something, etc. Wish the person well but again in a boring, emotionally detached manner. Gadgets that produces about twenty sounds – a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. – are a great way to keep the conversation short.

Each of us need relationships that provide us with life-long love and security.

This is an excerpt from Dr. Carver’s concluding remarks in his article. Again, please use the link below to read his full article.

In all of our relationships throughout life, we will meet a variety of individuals with many different personalities. Some are a joy to have in our lives and some provide us with life-long love and security. Others we meet pose some risk to us and our future due to their personality and attitudes. Continuing a relationship with “The Loser” will result in a relationship that involves intimidation, fear, angry outbursts, paranoid control, and a total loss of your self-esteem and self-confidence. If you have been involved in a long-term relationship with “The Loser”, after you successfully escape you may notice that you have sustained some psychological damage that will require professional repair. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counselors are available in your community to assist and guide you as you recover.

Please click here to read this excellent, life-saving article in full, Detaching from Controllers and Abusers, by Dr. Joseph Carver, Psychologist.