Fear or anxiety left undealt with can quickly destroy one’s quality of life, causing lack of sleep, lowering of productivity on the job, stress in relationships, poor decision making, and countless physical ailments. 

This past Christmas, we gave out several copies of a book on the topic of overcoming fear to several co-workers. There were two different issues of the book, one dealing with the life fears of the average person, the other dealing with the additional fears particular to the family members of those in the military.  We received incredible feedback, to the extent that co-workers came looking for copies to give to family and friends.  The book had an unusual format, using Psalm 91 to go line by line through various life fears.  I had not particularly noticed before how many types of fears are dealt with in this Psalm.  The focus on One more powerful and knowledgeable than yourself can be a major source of comfort and strength in times of fear.

Guarding the content of your words is a necessary aid to controlling your fearful thoughts.

In past posts, I have covered how your words affect your thoughts and your body’s physical responses, as well as how to break the negative word habit by learning to speak positive words.  I’ll put some links to a few of these past articles at the end of this post (See below**) 

One of our co-workers mentioned that she has greatly benefited from quoting out loud various phrases from Psalm 91 over situations in her day-to-day life.  Since Psalm 91 does cover a vast number of life fears, I am pasting here excerpts in a few different translations which, as you will see, will be helpful to speak out loud and assist you in controlling your thoughts and conquering your fears.  The pronouns are changed to first person to also assist you in using the phrases for positive speaking. Some portions are bolded or underlined for emphasis.

Psalm 91  Amplified Version

     ¹ Because I dwell in the secret place of the Most High, I will remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty, whose power no foe can withstand.

     ² I will say of the Lord, He is my Refuge and my Fortress, my God; on Him I lean and rely, and in Him I confidently trust!

    ³ For He will deliver me from the snare of the fowler [one who pursues and kills] and from the deadly pestilence.

    ⁴ He will cover me with His pinions, and under His wings will I trust and find refuge; His truth and His faithfulness are a shield and a buckler [means of protection].

    ⁵ I will not be afraid of the terror of the night, nor of the evil plots and slanders of the wicked that flies by day,

    ⁶ Nor of the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor of the destruction and sudden death that surprise and lay waste at noonday.

    ⁷ A thousand may fall at my side, and ten thousand at my right hand, but it will not come near me.

    ⁸ Only a spectator I will be, inaccessible in the secret place of the Most High as I witness the reward of the wicked.

    ⁹ Because I have made the Lord my refuge, and the Most High my dwelling place,

    ¹⁰ No evil befalls me, nor any plague or calamity comes near my dwelling.

    ¹¹ For He will give His angels special charge over me to accompany and defend and preserve me in all my ways of obedience and service.

    ¹² They shall bear me up on their hands, lest I dash my foot against a stone.

    ¹³ I will tread upon the lion and adder; the young lion and the serpent will I trample underfoot. [Any seemingly powerful or dangerous thing in my path is rendered powerless.]

     ^{14 “}Because you has set your love upon Me, therefore will I deliver you; I will set you on high, because you know and understand My name, have a personal knowledge of My mercy, love, and kindness–trusts and relies on Me, knowing I will never forsake you, no, never.

    ¹⁵  You will call upon Me, and I will answer you; I will be with you in trouble, I will deliver you and honor you.

    ¹⁶ I will give you a satisfying long life and show you My salvation [deliverance].

Psalm 91 Message Translation Excerpts

He rescues me from hidden traps, shields me from deadly hazards. His huge outstretched arms protect me — under them I am perfectly safe; his arms fend off all harm. Fear nothing…not disease…not disaster… no harm will even graze me.  I will stand untouched, watching it all from a distance…“If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God, “I’ll get you out of any trouble.  I’ll give you the best of care if you’ll only get to know and trust me.  Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times; I’ll rescue you…

Psalm 91  New Century Version

  ^10-16 Nothing bad will happen to you; no disaster will come to your home.  The Lord says, “Whoever loves me, I will save.  I will protect those who know me.  You will call to me, and I will answer you.  I will be with you in trouble; I will rescue you and honor you.  I will give you a long, full life, and you will see how I can save.”

**Related Posts

Healing Words

Determine Your Destiny  Though this is not on the topic of fear, it reveals how words affect your whole life process.

Take Charge of Your Thoughts, Take Charge of Your Life!

Practical Ideas for Overcoming Fear

In this field of work, I come across many people in emotional pain created by a wide variety of circumstances.  Each of us, at some point during life, go through periods when we feel oppressed, almost crushed by the weight of the circumstances.  In Scripture, Paul talked about his feelings in such circumstances,

We are pressed on every side, yet not crushed; perplexed, yet not to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, yet not destroyed. (2Cor.4:8)

Since we each face “crushing” circumstances at times, it would definitely be beneficial to be able to go through them as Paul did, not denying the gravity of the situation, but not allowing the situation to destroy him emotionally. Paul’s faith, or hope, kept him from losing heart in trying times.  Faith is defined in Scripture as not only believing God exists, but that He responds positively to those who seek Him. (Heb.11:6)

It is knowledge of the nature of God that gives one hope during times of brokenness or oppression.

It is the difference between knowing without a doubt that someone cares about you and what is taking place, especially Someone with greater abilities and resources, as opposed to feeling there is no one to care at all.  Jesus purpose while on earth, other than the plan of salvation, was to illustrate in living form the nature of God to us.  Listen to this quote of how He did that:

Jesus…with the Holy Spirit and with strength and ability and power…went about doing good curing all who were harassed and oppressed. (Acts10:38 Amp)

Jesus both illustrated the nature of God to bring us out of oppressing circumstances and broken hearts, but proclaimed it to be a part of God’s nature.

This is a quote of Jesus speaking to those who are broken hearted, oppressed, and crushed by calamity:

Father God has anointed Me to send forth as delivered those who are oppressed, who are downtrodden, bruised, crushed, and broken down by calamity, to proclaim the year of the Lord, the day when salvation and the free favors of God profusely abound. (Lk.4:18,19)

Notice a couple of points from this quote:

 -It is God’s desire to help you and bring you out of that hurtful situation, ie. “send forth as delivered”

 -God wants you to not try to handle the hurt yourself, but look to Him for help, as is meant by the references to God’s intervention, “year of the Lord,” and the “day of salvation.”

 -The type of help God wants to give you is not minimal, but “profusely abounding,” or more than you would expect to receive.

Researching a few definitions brings an even greater realization of how personally involved God wants to be in your circumstance.

I decided, for my own benefit, to look up the definitions of certain words in the Greek, since this passage was originally written in Greek.  The term “year of the Lord” actually means “a whole new age (1).”  Through Jesus, God proclaimed a whole new age of His involvement in your life.  What is this involvement like? 

First, it is continuous.  The Greek word for day in this passage means, “perpetually present,” or continuously present. In this whole new age, God’s help is continuously present to deliver you, and bring you profuse salvation and free favors.

Second, the word for salvation includes deliverance, provision, rescue, aid (1).  God’s perpetually present help brings you whatever you need in your oppression and broken heartedness.

Third, though many people who seek after God still struggle with the question of whether or not God will help them or whether they can possible earn His help, the phrase “free favors” is defined as unmerited gifts (1)!  No, you do not need to struggle under condemnation feeling that you must try to earn God’s help and still fall short; God has proclaimed to you that the help in your crushing circumstance is an unearned gift!

Let’s look at a paraphrase of this quote, including the Greek definitions:

Father God has anointed Me to send forth as delivered those who are oppressed, who are downtrodden, bruised, crushed, and broken down by calamity, to proclaim to you the whole new age of the Lord, the perpetually present time when salvation – deliverance, provision, rescue, aid — and unmerited gifts from God profusely abound.

You can be free from emotional harm though dealing with life’s oppressive circumstances. 

Hope is there for you, as it was for Paul, to be hard pressed, yet not crushed, not in despair.  The realization that God, through Jesus, announced a whole new age of God’s continual offer of profuse unearned gifts, deliverance, provision, rescue, and aid for you!  Believe His offer!  Ask Him for what you need in your circumstance!  Look for the answers with expectancy!

1. Strong’s Dictionary of Greek New Testament Words

You can choose to respond to fearful situations in ways other than panic, being withdrawn, or some other solely, defensive protective mode. You have the option of choosing not to react to your fear, letting it manipulate you, but to think creatively, outside of the box, and discover responses that will actually enhance your life.

A recent study of the economy illustrates that most people react to fear instead of being creatively proactive.

The present economic situation in the US has affected all kinds of businesses, large and small. One of the categories of institutions largely affected is charitable organizations. Statistician George Barna of the Barna Group recently posted 3 articles with the results of his year long study of how the economy affected churches and other non-profit organizations, as well as how the churches responded to the fearful economic situation.

What stood out to me was Barna’s comments that most churches responded, in my terminology, by reacting to the economy, rather than seeing opportunities to respond creatively and actually enhance their situation and the lives of the people in their communities. Many churches adjusted budgets, cut spending, and cut staff. While it is the right thing to do to re-evaluate the budget and eliminate unnecessary spending, Barna notes, “For the most part, church leaders seem to have been in a hunker-down mode, attempting to get through the tough economy…”, a protective fear response. Similar to most people in fearful situations, few organizations set fear aside enough to think proactively and see where the current economic situation was actually providing new opportunities to interact with the community in helpful ways. Regarding this Barna says,

When pastors were asked to identify the changes they had made as a result of the economic downturn only about one out of every eight church leaders (13%) identified what might be described as activities that proactively position the church as a valuable resource to churchgoers and to those in the community.

This included hosting support groups and classes for those with have lost jobs, classes for those experiencing money problems, increasing the amount of prayer, provide financial counseling, and offering special talks on how to handle money problems. This next quote is not to speak negatively of the church organizations in any way, but to notice how often each of us respond the exact same way to crises situations in our lives.

Yet, the surprise is how few churches seem to have clearly and intentionally developed a proactive response to the downturn. Perhaps they have been so busy keeping the programs running that they have failed to see the significant opportunities as well as unique challenges represented in the new economic reality… Like so many others, church leaders have been focused on surviving; now is the time, though, to calibrate ministries and strategies to the opportunities brought by the new economy.

Similarly, whatever your fear situation, you do not want to just survive but thrive by seeing and implementing new opportunities.

Make a new effort to step back emotionally from your present fearful situation. Sometimes it helps to think about it as if it were someone else’s problem and what you would advise them to do, viewing it from the outside. If you cannot do this on your own, you may need to get help from a counselor, pastor, or a trusted, wise friend. Open your mind to the option of thinking creatively; take the offensive and look for ways to be creatively proactive, taking life-enhancing measures that will put you on the road to conquering your fearful situation, or at least living life a level above it.

Quotes are from “The Economies Impact on Churches (Part 2 of 3): How Churches Have Adapted” by Barna Group, Barna.org

We each go through times in life in which peace of mind is a little more of a struggle to maintain.

As I was going through journal notes this morning from the past several months, I came across several quotes on peace that I thought I’d share with you. This is an unusual type of post for this blog. My desire is that these points will help to solidify your peace of mind when fear tries to rob it. Following most quotes, I’ll have some comments to ensure the steps for attaining peace are as clear as possible.

Peace of Mind Begins by Your Communication with God Controlling Your Thought Life.

Col. 3:15 Let the peace of Christ continually act as umpire in your hearts, settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds…and be thankful, giving praise.

God encourages us in this quote to allow His peace to umpire the fearful thoughts that battle in your mind. When faced with fear, one has a choice to let the fears in his mind run rampant, or allow God’s peace to put those questions and fears to rest with finality.

Ex. 14:13,14 Fear not; stand firm, confident, undismayed and see the salvation of the Lord which He will work for you today. For the oppression you have seen today you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest.

See in this peace quote the instruction from God to not fear or be dismayed. More importantly for this section of our discussion, He says, “You hold your peace and remain at rest.” Again, some disciplined action on your own part to control your thoughts is necessary for peace of mind.

Peace of Mind Comes from a Knowledge of God’s Character and Your Reflection of His Character:

2 Tim. 1:5,7 I am reminded of your sincere faith, the leaning of your entire personality on God in absolute trust and confidence in His power, wisdom, goodness, faith. God did not give us a spirit of timidity but He has given us a spirit of power, love, of calm and well-balanced mind, discipline, and self-control.

If you still struggle with religious misconceptions from childhood of an evil, unforgiving, condemning God, it will be difficult to obtain peace. You need to resolve those with truth. As this peace quote says, God’s desire is that your entire personality relies on His ability and goodness due to you having a state of total confidence in His character.

Knowledge of God’s Favor Brings Peace of Mind:

Ps. 97:11 Light is sown for the uncompromisingly righteous and strewn along their pathway, and joy for the upright in heart, the irrepressible joy which comes from consciousness of His favor and protection.

Consciousness of God’s favor and protection brings peace resulting in great joy; the consciousness of God’s favor precede the peace and resulting joy.

Sensing the Depth of Father God’s Love for You Brings Peace:

Jn. 17:26 [Jesus prayed...] I have… revealed Your character and Your very Self, and I will continue to make You known, that the love which You have bestowed upon Me may be felt in their hearts.

Just as in a healthy marriage, knowing the depth of your spouse’s love for you brings peace in many situations, so it is with knowing God’s love. In this quote, Jesus is praying about His revealing the character of Father God to mankind; notice the purpose-that the same amount and type of love Father God has for Jesus Himself would be felt in our hearts.

Jn. 16:24,27 Now ask and keep on asking and you will receive, so that your joy, gladness, delight may be full and complete…For the Father Himself tenderly loves you.

Knowing You have Reconciled Matters between You and God Brings Peace:

Rom. 5:1,2 Since we are acquitted and given a right standing with God through faith, let us grasp the fact that we have the peace of reconciliation to hold and to enjoy through Jesus. Through Him we have by faith into this state of God’s favor in which we firmly and safely stand.

God expects us to derive joy and peace from the knowledge that we have a right standing with God, that the relationship between us and Him has been reconciled and made right. Notice that this healing of the relationship is through faith; also take note that this state of favor with God is rock-firm and safe, not unstable like relationships are with people. Knowing we have His favor means knowing we have His attentiveness and help. The result is inner peace.

Dependence on God Brings Peace:

Col. 3:17 Do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus and in dependence upon His Person, giving praise…

If you continually feel that you must solve the insolvable of life on your own, peace will come and go at a moment’s notice. When suddenly hit with a situation that brings fear or dismay, one’s first response should be that you are not in this alone, you have a higher power upon which to depend, and countless promises from Him for whatever the source of your fear.

Jn. 16:33 In Me you may have perfect peace and confidence…Be of good cheer-take courage, be confident, certain, undaunted-for I have overcome the world. I have deprived it of the power to harm you.

Table of contents for Conquering Day to Day Fears

1. Is Fear the Center of Your Attention?
2. The Link Between Fear and Expectation

Reading Level: Gratifying

Expectation plays a large part in what takes place in your life.

Your expectations are important. Expectation affects your emotions as well as your responses to both people and circumstances. (This is Part 2 on Fear. If you missed the first post, “Is Fear the Center of Your Attention?,” please use this link to read it first.) It is easy to understand that if you are “expecting” a situation to go badly or “expecting” a person to respond to you negatively, you yourself will not speak or behave in the same positive manner as when you are anticipating good. This is how a person, by living according to fears, actually triggers situations to turn out poorly or people to respond to him negatively without even realizing his influence.

Mark Twain said,

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

Most of our fearful expectations never take place; however, the consequences of those fearful expectations in one’s physical health, relationships, and reactions to situations still produce negative effects that would not have been there if one was not expecting bad to happen.

When feeling the tendency to fear and expect negative outcomes, choose instead to focus your attention on good possibilities.

If your fearful expectations cause you to interact in a negative way with people and circumstances, then creating less than favorable results, the opposite is also true. Choosing to anticipate good resolutions to situations and positive interactions with people will cause you to speak and act in healthy, constructive ways; your positive, healthy words and actions then bring about more favorably responses in both people and circumstances.

Let’s take a look at 2 practical examples of how a person’s positive expectations, rather than fearful ones, affect his or her interactions with people and situations.

Look first at this illustration about a blind beggar:

As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city of Jericho, a blind man, Bartimaeus, was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth walking by, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” Mk. 10:46-48

Here is a man whom likely had many fearful expectations. Blindness had taken from him his career and livelihood, as well as many other enjoyments of life we take for granted. People would have treated him differently all his life due to being a blind beggar. Yet, having heard of God’s power working through Jesus to heal, his expectations of (1) good, positive personal interaction with Jesus and (2) the possibility of being healed caused him to yell to get Jesus’ attention. He continued to cry out even though the crowd yelled at him to stop. Jesus did hear him, stop, and heal him. The blind man’s life was restored to all the good for which he had hoped. Realize that the key to this man’s new life was his expectation. If he had given in to fearful expectations, of Jesus’ rejection or of not being healed, he would never have yelled out to attract Jesus’ attention, especially after being harassed by the crowd.

Here is a similar illustration with the friends of a paralytic:

Some men came carrying a paralytic on a mat and tried to take him into the house to lay him before Jesus. When they could not find a way to do this because of the crowd, they went up on the roof and lowered him on his mat through the tiles into the middle of the crowd, right in front of Jesus. Luke 5:18-19

These four friends (Mk. 2:3) of the paralytic had positive expectations. They would not have carried their friend on a mat through a mob-size crowd unless they had first been motivated by good expectations, both relationship-wise with Jesus and in the paralytic’s circumstance. Once they were unable to even get their paralytic friend into the house where Jesus was, people with fearful expectations, who really did not believe in a good outcome, would have given up and gone home. Instead, by anticipating good, they had healthy emotions and constructive actions which overcame the obstacles in an innovative manner. What was the result? They received the anticipated outcome – a good personal response from Jesus and a change in the paralytic’s circumstances; he could now walk!

Make a decision to daily have positive expectations instead of fearful ones!

Even during unexpected difficulties, you will still respond better in your emotions and decision-making. Your anticipation of good resolutions and positive people interactions will bring far more favorable results in life than by living in fear.

Table of contents for Conquering Day to Day Fears

1. Is Fear the Center of Your Attention?
2. The Link Between Fear and Expectation

Reading Level: Leisurely

As the ideas of economic upheaval, threats and dangers of war, disease, or other factors beyond one’s ability vie for control of your thoughts, where is your attention?

Fear is a major factor of everyday life in the times in which we live. It is a force that one must come to terms with. Fear can control one’s life, altering your every decision. It can change your health due to the stress it creates. It can steal creativity and rational thought. It hinders spiritual receptivity. It is a force that cannot be ignored or it will grow in control and dominate your life.

Make the decision to be in control of your thoughts.

It is vital to control your thoughts, rather than allowing them to have free, random access to your mind – the center of all your decision making. Scripture refers to this as “taking captive” every thought (2 Cor. 10:5).   A simpler way to express it may be to say whatever controls your thought life controls you. Is fear the center of your attention?

You may feel that it is necessary to fear. With all the uncertainty with the economy, with the instability of the political world, it may give you a false sense of doing something constructive by worrying about all of it. However, worrying about what is beyond your control is destructive in far more ways than just those mentioned in the first paragraph of this post. No one else can do this for you. Neither will it be easy at first, especially if it is a long engrained habit, but you must make the decision to “take captive” your thoughts, removing the fear that runs rampant in your mind.

Here is an illustration to help you grasp how vital it is to the well-being of the various aspects of your life to remove fear from the center of your attention.

I want you to imagine the fears in your thought life as raging waves of the ocean. You are in the center of all these raging waves. As you keep the center of your focus on all the raging waves, the fear is overwhelming. You may say, “But I have to focus on the raging waves! They are a danger to me. It would be irresponsible not to focus my attention on their threat.” All the while, someone has come up behind you in a ship and thrown out a life preserver to you. The life preserver is there bobbing in the water, but you are completely missing the life-giving, life-preserving opportunities because you are focused on what is causing you fear.

Many things in life will bring fear and those fears will take control if you do not decide to take fearful thoughts captive. Freedom from fear only comes as you first start with the decision to remove fear from the center of your attention.

Do you consider yourself a “perpetual worrier?”

Is there always something in your life about which you are worrying? Do family pressures, financial pressures, and hectic schedules that are part of normal everyday life overload you with stress and anxiety to the point of negatively affecting your physical health, emotional health, and spiritual well-being? If so, you certainly are not alone. You can learn to have a worry-free life, but it takes some changes in your thought patterns.

First, remember that worrying does not accomplish anything positive for you.

Along this thought, Jesus said, “Who of you by worrying and being anxious can add a single unit of measure to the span of his life (Mt.6:27 Amp)?” Imagine that! All the volumes of time and energy you put into worrying will not even accomplish something as small as adding a single second to the length of your life! And, as many doctors and studies show, it is proven to do just the opposite and remove time from the length of your life as well as from its quality.

Second, realize that you cannot put trust for your well being in physical objects.

There is a very famous discourse by Jesus on worry in Matthew 6. Most people think it begins in verse 25, but I think verses 19-24 are actually a significant part of the instructions, particularly verse 24 which says,

No one can serve two masters for he will stand by and be devoted to one and despise and be against the other. You cannot serve God and deceitful riches, money, possessions as what is trusted in.

This quote is not condemning money, but rather the concept of being deceived into putting your trust in money and possessions. If your trust is there, you will still worry about the safety and stability of your life. I had a friend who had been very wealthy in her younger days, before her husband died. She loved to talk about the house she had and how she used to wear a different pair of shoes to work every day of the year! However, in spite of all her wealth, she said they went to bed every night worrying about whether or not they had put their money in the right investments. Admit to yourself that money, possessions, and investments will not keep you worry free. Neither can they be counted on for life-long stability. The world is full of stories of people of great wealth who lost everything overnight.

Third, admit that God does realize you need possessions and money to live.

Immediately after Jesus said that it is a type of deception to trust in money or possessions, He states,

Stop being perpetually uneasy, anxious, and worried about your life-what you will eat or what you will drink, and about what you will put on. Is not life greater in quality than food and the body far more excellent than clothes?…Therefore, do not worry and be anxious saying, “What are we going to eat? or What are we going to drink? or What are we going to wear?”…For your Heavenly Father knows that you need them all (Mt.6:25,31).

God created mankind with the need for shelter, food, and clothing. God knows it takes money in our society to obtain these things. He has not forgotten.

Fourth, ask God for help.

There is a fairly modern translation of Scriptures called The Message Bible. It is one of the translations that Joel Osteen often quotes from. It has a great translation of Romans 10:11-13:

No one who trusts God like this-heart and soul-will ever regret it. It’s exactly the same no matter what a person’s religious background may be: the same God for all of us, acting the same incredibly generous way to everyone who calls out for help. Everyone who calls, “Help, God!” gets help!

Probably more well known are God’s instructions for us to ask,

Do not be anxious about anything. But in everything, by prayer, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind (Phil.4:6,7).

God tells us to ask for help because He wants to help us. He is not an evil dictator who tells us to ask just so that He can turn us away empty handed. However, do remember the quote, “According to your faith it will be done to you (Mt.9:29).” To put it simply, if you do not believe that God will help you, He will not. This is not due to a lack of compassion as countless Scriptures mention God’s limitless compassion, but due to the fact that it is a spiritual law. Spiritual laws, like natural laws, remain constant.

Fifth, be thankful for the smallest good.

The above quote said to pray with thanksgiving. Keep things in perspective; no matter how much help you need from God, there are good things and good people in your life. Stay appreciative for everything good, no matter how small. I heard another person comment on this quote by saying, “If you really believe God is going to answer your request, you should already be thankful.” That is a good point as well.

Last, consistently do things in your life that are of lasting value.

There is a secular saying, “What goes around comes around.” It means that a person eventually receives back the same type of words, actions, and lifestyle he has given to people. If he has lived selfishly, eventually, people will not be there for him when he needs help. A person who is giving will eventually be on the receiving end when he is in need. Jesus said it this way, “Seek for, aim at, and strive after, first of all, God’s Kingdom and His way of doing and being right, and then all these things [money, possessions, clothing, etc.] will be given to you besides (Mt.6:33 Amp).”

Do things that are of lasting value. The quality of your life will be increased, your joy and peace will be increase, and the good you have done will come back to you!

Table of contents for Abusive Relationship Help

1. Abusive Relationships: What if You Still Love Them?
2. Abusive Relationships: Situations-Symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome
3. Abusive Relationships: How Friends and Family Can Help

This is Part 2 of 3 of the post regarding emotional ties that often keep a person from leaving an abusive relationship. It will cover the 4 main situations creating Stockholm Syndrome in controlling relationships and the resulting symptoms. If you missed Part 1, please click the above link to read it first. Part 3 will give guidelines for friends and family who wish to help.

As mentioned in Part 1 of this post, the feelings of love for the abuser are actually part of an emotional defense mechanism, as opposed to real love that exists in a healthy relationship. This emotional bonding is a survival strategy for victims of abuse and intimidation, though they are not fully aware of it happening.

To give thorough explanation of this topic of Stockholm Syndrome in controlling and/or abusive relationships, I’m going to refer to several quotes from an incredible article by Dr. Joseph Carver, Psychologist. The full article is many pages long, and very detailed. For those of you who desire to study this in more detail, a link to his full article is provided at the end of this post. Dr. Carver has a very beneficial website, and I’m sure we’ll be referring to it again in the future.

There are several symptoms to Stockholm Syndrome which will vary some with the individual. However, here are 5 Common Symptoms that Dr. Carver provided:

1. Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller

2. Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authorities trying to rescue/support them or win their release

3. Support of the abuser’s reasons and behaviors

4. Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim

5. Supportive behaviors by the victim, at times helping the abuser

Besides a hostage situation, the following 4 Types of Situations also occur in severely controlling, abusive relationships, creating the Stockholm Syndrome responses:

1. The presence of a perceived threat to one’s physical or psychological survival and the belief that the abuser would carry out the threat

2. The presence of a perceived small kindness from the abuser to the victim

3. Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser

4. The perceived inability to escape the situation

As a person with Stockholm Syndrome often becomes incapable of carrying out the necessary behaviors to detach emotionally and physically and so escape the environment, it is helpful to take a deeper look at:

(1) How the 4 situations create Stockholm responses

2) What friends and family should do to help

These illustrations are also from Dr. Carver’s article.

Situation 1: Perceiving a Psychological or Physical Threat

First realize that the threat does not have to have been carried out or acted upon for the victim to sense danger. Here are examples of threatening situations experienced by someone with Stockholm Sydrome.

Witnessing violence or aggression is also a perceived threat. Witnessing a violent temper directed at a television set, others on the highway, or a third party clearly sends us the message that we could be the next target for violence. Hearing threatening and intimidating thoughts and attitudes of the abuser/controller and realizing that we will be the target of those thoughts in the future.

Situation 2: Experiencing a Small Kindness from the Abuser

In controlling or abusive situations, the victim looks for and holds on to any small sign of hope that the situations may improve, such as:

When an abuser/controller shows the victim some small kindness, even though it is to the abuser’s benefit as well, the victim interprets that small kindness as a positive trait of the captor…In relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually provided after a period of abuse), or a special treat are interpreted as not only positive, but evidence that the abuser is not “all bad” and may at some time correct his/her behavior. Abusers and controllers are often given positive credit for not abusing their partner in a certain type of situation in which the partner would have normally been subjected to verbal or physical abuse.

An additional situation that is similar to the small kindness is the abuser occasionally exhibiting a “soft side,” such as in these examples:

The abuser/controller may share information about their past – how they were mistreated, abused, neglected, or wronged. The victim begins to feel the abuser/controller may be capable of fixing their behavior or worse yet, that they (abuser) may also be a “victim”. Sympathy may develop toward the abuser. Abusers may admit they need psychiatric help or acknowledge they are mentally disturbed, however, it’s almost always after they have already abused or intimidated the victim. The admission is a way of denying responsibility for the abuse.

Please take careful note of what Dr. Carver says is actually happening when the abuser shows a softer side. This is urgent to understand!

In truth, personality disorders have learned over the years that personal responsibility for their violent/abusive behaviors can be minimized and even denied by blaming their bad upbringing. While it may be true that the abuser/controller had a difficult upbringing – showing sympathy for his/her history produces no change in their behavior and in fact, prolongs the length of time you will be abused. While “sad stories” are always included in their apologies – after the abusive/controlling event – their behavior never changes! Keep in mind; once you become hardened to the “sad stories”, they will simply try another approach!

Situation 3: Being Isolated from Other Perspectives Outside of the Abusive Relationship

The fear of outbursts from the abuser becomes a controlling factor in the victim’s life. For survival, the goal becomes to anticipate anything that may result in an outburst for the controlling person and avoiding it at all costs. The abused person becomes preoccupied with the needs, desires, and habits of the abusive, controlling person.

Especially for those of us with loved one’s in an abusive or controlling situation, read this quote from Dr. Carver explaining why the abused person refuses help.

Taking the abuser’s perspective as a survival technique can become so intense that the victim actually develops anger toward those trying to help them. The abuser is already angry and resentful toward anyone who would provide the victim support…Victims then turn on their family… Supportive others are now viewed as “causing trouble” and must be avoided.. On the surface it would appear that the victim has sided with the abuser/controller. In truth, they are trying to minimize contact situation that might make them a target of additional verbal abuse or intimidation. If a casual phone call from Mom prompts a two-hour temper outburst with threats and accusations – the victim quickly realizes it’s safer if Mom stops calling.

In Stockholm Syndrome relationships, there is a daily preoccupation with “trouble”. Trouble is any individual, group, situation, comment, casual glance, or cold meal that may produce a temper tantrum or verbal abuse from the controller or abuser. To survive, “trouble” is to be avoided at all costs.. The victim does not hate family and friends; they are only avoiding “trouble”! The victim also cleans the house, calms the children, scans the mail, avoids certain topics, and anticipates every issue of the controller or abuse in an effort to avoid “trouble”. .. In truth, the victim knows the abuser/controller will retaliate against him/her if …they don’t personally apologize for the situation – as though it was their fault.

Situation 4: Feeling Unable to Escape

In romantic relationships, the belief that one can’t escape is also very common. The victims feels he or she are bound for life to the abuser due to:

Financial Problems: The couple will be locked together by mutual financial issues/assets, mutual intimate knowledge, or legal situations. Controlling partners have increased the financial obligations/debt in the relationship to the point that neither partner can financially survive on their own. Controllers who sense their partner may be leaving will often make large purchases, later claiming they can’t pay… [Or the abuser controls all the money.] In clinical practice I’ve heard “I’d leave but I can’t even get money out of the savings account! I don’t know the PIN number.”

Threats: The Controller often uses extreme threats including …, threatening public exposure of the victim’s personal issues, or assuring the victim they will never have a peaceful life due to nonstop harassment. In severe cases, the Controller may threaten an action that will undercut the victim’s support such as “I’ll see that you lose your job.” Controllers often keep the victim locked into the relationship with severe guilt – threatening suicide if the victim leaves.

Loss of Self-Esteem and Depression: In relationships with an abuser or controller, the victim has also experienced a loss of self-esteem, self-confidence, and psychological energy. The victim may feel “burned out” and too depressed to leave.

(5) Other Factors:

Studies show that ordeals create strong bonds of loyalty, even if it is to an unhealthy relationship that is difficult and humiliating. See these examples Dr. Carver provides of how the person in a controlling relationship feels bound by the personal investment:

Emotional Investment – We’ve invested so many emotions, cried so much, and worried so much that we feel we must see the relationship through to the finish.

Social Investment – We’ve got our pride! To avoid social embarrassment and uncomfortable social situations, we remain in the relationship.

Family Investments – If children are present in the relationship, decisions regarding the relationship are clouded by the status and needs of the children.

Financial Investment – In many cases, the controlling and abusive partner has created a complex financial situation. Many victims remain in a bad relationship, waiting for a better financial situation to develop that would make their departure and detachment easier.

Lifestyle Investment – Many controlling/abusive partners use money or a lifestyle as an investment. Victims in this situation may not want to lose their current lifestyle.

Click Here to Read the Full Article by Psychologist, Dr. Joseph Carver, Love and the Stockholm Syndrome.

A reader asked what to do about harmful friends?

The question itself is almost an oxymoron-opposite terms. You usually do not think of calling someone a “friend” who is harmful to you. However, depending on one’s personality, some people tend to repeatedly choose relationships with people who are harmful to them — emotionally or physically. Other times, it may simply be an idiosyncrasy in the friend’s personality that needs to be discussed.
Let’s take a look at how to determine if the relationship is harmful, why you chose the relationship, and when to change friends.

A few simple questions can help you determine if the friendship is healthy for you or not.

Answer each of the following questions either (1) most of the time, (2) about half the time, or (3) rarely.

1. Does the relationship with your friend lessen your self-esteem?

2. Does the relationship hinder you from achieving short and/or long term goals?

3. Does the relationship create various stress-related physical health problems, such as headaches, stomachaches, nervousness, or lack of sleep?

4. Does the relationship cause emotional health issues, such as fear, worry, or intimidation?

If your answers were in the 1 or 2 range, the friendship is showing signs of harmful behavior which is negatively affecting the well-being of your life in significant amounts.

If the friendship is affecting your life mainly in negative ways, ask yourself why you became involved in that relationship.

If you repeatedly choose to be in relationships with people who are not good for you and your life, you need to ask yourself why? There is most likely a harmful situation in your past, either childhood or early adulthood, which drastically reduced your self-esteem. Sometimes such an experience causes a subconscious response in which you choose people that are not good for you because you do not place enough value on yourself; you subconsciously feel that you do not deserve a wonderful friend. Identify the past situation, and then focus on changing your self worth.

If choosing poor friendships is not a common pattern in your life, why is this relationship different? Usually, it would then have begun for a reason that is not near as important as your well-being, such as status, the person’s appearance, pressure from other friends or family, etc. If the relationship was begun for such a weak and unhealthy reason, why continue it? It is doubtful that good will come from it.

In either case, change the focus to your self-worth.

Your value is limitless and unending. It is based on the value God sees in you as a unique individual who was given the gift of life to live out with purpose and accomplishment. When you change your focus to that of the unending value God sees in you, people’s responses will not change your feeling of value. That does not mean that you still choose poor friendships — just the opposite. Because you realize your value, you choose friendships that affirm or acknowledge that value and your emotions are not deeply affected by the passing person who does not show appreciation for your value.

So when is it time to change the friendship versus when is it time to adjust?

If your answers at the beginning of this post were that the relationship is harmful more than half of the time, it is unlikely that the person values you enough to make major changes to his/her behavior or personality. You can try to discuss the situation, but you should do so with a trusted third party, such as a counselor or pastor, especially if you feel there is a chance of an extremely harmful response. Personally, I would think that if you feel there is a chance of an extreme response, that relationship is very unlikely to change. Discussing the possibility of saving the relationship with the help of a third party would be more for the purpose of helping you release the relationship, knowing you gave the person an honest, final chance to change.

If you now feel that your friend’s harmful behavior is more of a personality peculiarity, discussing the needed change is absolutely necessary. It can usually be done in a non-confrontational way in a pleasant setting. Let the friend know that you realize the hurt was probably not intentional; then explain how the behavior brings harm to you, whether emotionally, physically, or to your goals. Realize that a good person who cares for you may feel slightly hurt or embarrassed at having to discuss the situation, but a person who values you will always be willing the make changes to behavior that is harming your life and the friendship.

You can identify the typical stress patterns you experience when facing life’s struggles and follow a clear plan to leave them behind.

Fellow SelfGrowth.com expert, Jeanie Marshall, Personal Development expert, has written a helpful article to teach you to release the various stress reactions that occur in your body when facing life’s struggles. It begins with helping you identify the reactions that take place in your body so you can train yourself to be aware of when you are beginning to struggle with something. She then gives a couple of creative ideas for permanently releasing old hurts that are adding to your current struggles.

Here is an excerpt from Jeanie Marshalls’ article with a link to the full article below:

Struggle is a common expectation in our society. We tend to plan for it, anticipate it, and invite it into our lives. It has become so familiar that we often push away joy or peace or harmony, declaring such experiences to be unreal or temporary or frivolous.

Select something real in your life that you struggle against, just to give yourself a laboratory. Practicing on something real but not overwhelming will give you courage to explore something you consider a major struggle. Bring this idea or subject into your mind and feel the feelings. You may find it helpful to close your eyes to stay focused on the task. What does the struggle feel like? What sensations do you feel in your body and where do you feel them? What emotions do you feel and how do you feel them? Hear what you say about this subject to yourself. What does the resistance/struggle sound like? What color is the struggle? How big or small is the struggle?

Identify all the reactions, signals, sensations, feelings, and emotions that you can. Try not to ignore anything that comes into your awareness as you read this. How does your neck feel? Your shoulders? Your stomach? Do you feel agitated or impatient?

How you respond to these questions suggests how you respond to struggle in other parts of your life. While you may want to believe that this is just a hypothetical exercise, it’s not. It’s a real exercise, one that can train your awareness and all the muscles in your being to choose responses other than struggle. It’s helpful to know how you struggle if you wish to change your pattern.

So, are you ready to graduate from the School of Struggle? If you choose to stay longer, you’ll continue to learn…, though, that you’re likely to learn and re-learn and re-learn again the same lessons. Other schools await your enrollment. The School of Joy. The School of Peace. The School of Abundance. The School of Love. The School of Health. The School of Laughter. The School of Enlightenment. The School of Mastery.

Give up struggle for freedom, fear for love, illness for health, pain for joy, hopelessness for mastery, etc . Say goodbye to those experiences you’ve completed or to those persons whose relationships with you have ended. You won’t be able to stay in The School of Joy if you hold onto struggle – you’ll be expelled or asked to take a leave of absence. Merely enrolling in The School of Love is not enough, you must practice unconditional love and not cut classes.

You won’t be successful claiming that all is well or life is good while fierce anger or pain or unresolved issues are stuck inside you. Let the unwanted stuff go. If struggle has been your friend, give a going away party or a hello freedom party to celebrate the release of this energy…

Read Jeanie’s full article for the description of the Going Away Party to release old hurts that are causing recurring struggles.