• Self Esteem
• Forgiving Yourself
• Balance in Self Sacrifice and
• Rest

Merton on Self Esteem:

We cannot achieve greatness unless we lose all interest in being great. If we pay too much attention to [our idea of greatness], we will be lured out of the peace and stability…God gave us, and seek to live in a myth we have created for ourselves. We are truly ourselves when we lose the futile self consciousness that keep us constantly comparing ourselves with others in order to see how big we are.

We all seek to imitate one another’s imagined greatness….If I do not know who I am, it is because I think I am the sort of person everyone around me wants me to be. Perhaps I have never asked myself whether I wanted to become what everybody else seems to want to become. Perhaps if I only realized that I do not admire what everyone seem to admire, I would really begin to live after all.

Every man has a vocation to be someone: but he must understand clearly that, in order to fulfill his vocation, he can only be one person: himself…What does this mean? In order to be what we are meant to be, we must know Christ, and love him, and do what he did. Our destiny is in our own hands since God has placed it there, and has given us the grace to do the impossible. It remains for us to take up courageously and without hesitation the work he has given us, which is the task of living our own life as Christ would live it is us.

We can either Love God because we hope for something from Him, or we can hope in Him knowing that he loves us. Sometimes we begin with the first kind of hope and grow into the second.

Merton of Forgiving Yourself

It is true that we make many mistakes. But the biggest of them all is to be surprised at them: as if we had any hope of never making any. Mistakes are part of our life, and not the least important part. It is by making mistakes that we gain experience, not only for ourselves but for others.

My successes are not my own. The way to them was prepared by others. The fruits of my labors are not my own: for I am preparing the way for the achievements of another. Nor are my failures my own. They may spring from the failure of another, but they are also compensated for by another’s achievement. There for the meaning of my life is…only seen in the complete integration of my achievements and failures with the achievements and failures of my own generation.

Merton on Rest

We do not live merely in order to “do something” no matter what…We do not live more fully merely by doing more…On the contrary, some of us need to discover that we will not begin to live more fully until we have the courage to do and see and taste and experience much less…There are times, then, when, in order to keep ourselves in existence at all we simply have to sit back for a while and do nothing. And for a man who has let himself be drawn completely out of himself by his activity, nothing is more difficult than to sit still and rest.

Balance in Self Sacrifice

The saint, therefore, is sanctified not only by fasting when he should fast but also by eating when he should eat. He is not only sanctified by his prayers in the darkness of the night, but by the sleep he takes in obedience to God, who made us what we are. Not only his solitude contributes to his union with God, but also his supernatural love for his friends and his relatives and those with whom he lives and works.

All Quotes are Excerpts from Thomas Merton’s book, No Man Is an Island.

Feelings of guilt hinder the quality of our relationships, both in the natural and spiritual realms. God desires that you live your life in confidence, free from guilt.

Guilt is a hindrance in any relationship. A person does not act according to the giftings of his personality, the best that he is capable of, when suffering from guilt, because it is a form of fear. It makes the person fear another conflict with that person or fear failure when facing a similar type situation as in the past. Guilt also often causes one to give in to manipulation from controlling people’s selfish desires, even when the decision is against his better judgment.

In one’s relationship with God, guilt also keeps a person from interacting in a healthy manner and, thus, relating to God with the confidence in which He desires us to interact with Him. If you feel that you have not already received forgiveness from God for past failures, or are struggling with the feeling that God is holding the past against you, please read the post, Hold on to Forgiveness Instead of Failure, before finishing this article. This post will deal with God’s descriptions of interacting with Him through a perspective of guilt-free confidence.

God clearly expresses His desire that each of us enjoy a favorable relationship with Him.

In the following quote from Romans 5:1,2,5, God states that He desires us to grasp the fact that we can “hold [on to] and enjoy” a relationship of peaceful reconciliation with Him.

Rom. 5:1,2,5 Since we are acquitted and given a right standing with God through faith, let us grasp the fact that we have the peace of reconciliation to hold and to enjoy through Jesus. Through Him we have by faith into this state of God’s favor in which we firmly and safely stand. Let us rejoice in our hope of experiencing and enjoying the glory of God…..Such hope never disappoints us…

The easiest way to cover the wealth contained in this quote is to list the various points based on the meaning of the key words in the original Greek with which they were written.

1. The Greek word for the phrase “peace of reconciliation” is “eirene,” containing the emotional states of quietness and rest as well as “set at one again” or reconciled.(1) Reconciliation is defined as either “restoring harmony in a friendship”(2) or “re-establishing a close relationship.”(3) God wants us to grasp the fact that, as far as He is concerned, there is rest and harmony in the close relationship between you and Him, and He wants you to live in the enjoyment of that fact.

2.You may think, “How can I feel such harmony between myself and God after all my failures?” The first phrase in the quote explains how. “Faith” in God gives you a right standing with Him. In the Greek, “faith” or “pistis” is your “moral conviction of the truthfulness of God, especially reliance upon Christ for salvation, as well as constancy in such profession.”(1) The Romans 5 quote is part of a discussion in chapter 4 on Abraham being the father of faith because he “believed God and it was credited to his account as righteousness and right standing with God (Rom.4:3,22;Gen.15:6).”

3. Your faith (reliance, continual trust) in God’s forgiveness allows you to be “acquitted” by God of your past failures, just as when a jury “acquits” an accused person, freeing him of all guilt. The discussion in Romans 4 on Abraham ends by saying, the words about Abraham’s faith giving him a right standing with God were not written for his sake alone, “but for our sakes, too. Right standing with God will be granted to us also who believe, trust in, adhere to, and rely on God who raised Jesus from the dead, who was betrayed and put to death because of our misdeeds…absolving us from all guilt before God.”

Let’s focus back on our original quote and paraphrase it, “Because of your faith or trust in God’s acquittal or removal of our guilt, He desires you to grasp the fact that you can enjoy a restored, close harmonious relationship with Him.”

4. The “state of God’s favor” in which you firmly and safely stand by faith is the word often translated as “grace.” The Greek for “grace” is “charis,” meaning “graciousness of manner or actions, especially the divine influence upon the heart and its reflection in the life; benefit, favor.”(1) To paraphrase, God desires you to realize that He is expecting you to live enjoying a favorable relationship with Him in which you benefit from His gracious attitude and actions toward you.

5. In God’s perspective, you “firmly and safely stand” in this gracious, guilt-free relationship with Him. Let your mind grasp hold of the peace involved when you realize that your standing in a relationship with someone is firm and safe. The Greek for “stand” is “histemi,” a prolonged form of the root word, meaning to abide or continue.(1) Again, God’s perspective is that the relationship between you is a gracious one that will continue to be safe and firm; it is lasting. Allow yourself to enjoy the incredible peace and satisfaction from a firm, safe relationship with God.

6. The next sentence in the Romans 5 quote says, “Let us rejoice in our hope of experiencing and enjoying the glory of God.” It is good to remind you here that the term “hope” in scripture is not like the typical concept in English. In English, the term “hope” implies wishful thinking of something that may never happen. The Greek term used in this sentence, “elpis,” means to confidently anticipate or expect; it also contains the idea that you feel pleasure because of the confidence that what you are anticipating will actually happen.(1) God wants you to rejoice because you can live each and every day confidently anticipating, expecting to enjoy a lasting relationship with God in which you experience all the glories, all the wonders that exist in His person.

7. The last part of the quote, verse 5, says “Such hope never disappoints us…” What a phenomenally wonderful thought — a relationship in which you will not be disappointed. When you by faith accept God’s forgiveness or acquittal of your failures, you enter a relationship with Him of guilt-free confidence. That is where God desires you to exist. He desires you to grasp hold of that fact, enjoy it, live in confident anticipation that a harmonious relationship with God of favor, graciousness, and benefits is also a firm, safe, and lasting relationship in which you can daily experience all the glories existing in His personality. No wonder He tells us that we will not be disappointed!

Let’s wrap up by briefly looking at 2 benefits from a guilt-free, confident relationship with God.

When you exist in a guilt-free relationship with God, it changes how you communicate with God in prayer.

Look at this beautiful quote from Heb 4:15,16 about confidence in your relationship with God.

For we do not have a High Priest [reference to Jesus] who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning. Let us then fearlessly and confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of grace (the throne of God’s unmerited favor to us sinners), that we may receive mercy for our failures and find grace to help in good time for every need, appropriate help and well-timed help, coming just when we need it.

Remember what I said about guilt in the beginning of this post? Guilt is a type of fear that keeps you from living at your best in a relationship. When you realize that God has removed your guilt and you live in a firm, safe relationship with Him, that confidence changes all your conversation with Him. You freely come to God with your needs, feeling confident in His help. The word “confidence” in the Hebrews 4 quote is the Greek term, “parrhesia,” meaning “outspokenness, bluntness, boldness of speech, freely, openly, plainly.” A clear understanding of your relationship with God will cause you to be confident enough to talk freely and plainly with God about your needs, desires, and dreams.

When you exist in a guilt-free relationship with God, it changes the level of prayers that you see answered.

Remember in Matthew 9:29 what Jesus said regarding results from our prayers, “According to your faith it will be done to you.” When you realize that you have a firm, safe relationship with God upon which you trust and rely, such confidence greatly increases your faith. You believe in God’s loving care for you. You believe that He listens to your prayers and follows through with the promises to you that you see in scripture. As a result, you freely come to God with your needs, feeling completely confident in His help or having “faith”, and thus receive the answers to your prayers. According to your faith – your trust and reliance on the relationship with Him – the answers to your prayers take place.

1. Greek definitions were taken from Strong’s Dictionary of New Testament Words.
2. Meriam-Webster Dictionary
3. thefreedictionary.com

]]> http://receivehealing.com/blog/390/guilt-free-confidence/feed/ 0 http://receivehealing.com/blog/274/blessing-of-abundance/ http://receivehealing.com/blog/274/blessing-of-abundance/#comments Tue, 23 Dec 2008 02:45:12 +0000 R.H. http://receivehealing.com/blog/?p=274 I would like to speak a blessing of abundance over your lives as the first year of ReceiveHealing.com’s blog comes to a close. ReceiveHealing.com was developed and exists solely for the purpose of bringing physical, emotional, and spiritual healing to people’s lives. We trust you have benefited in a variety of ways this past year.

May your life be filled with the abundance and peace God desires for you, containing all that is beautiful, best, bountiful, cheerful, good, joyful, loving, prosperous, and wealthy [Hebrew and Greek definitions of abundance], as well as existing in a state of safety, happiness, good health, friendship, rest, and wholeness so that all is well in your life [Hebrew and Greek definitions of peace].

May you be comforted from all past and present sorrows. May you receive compassion as freely as you have shown it. May all your fears be replaced with faith and peace. May you forgive those who have harmed you in the past so that you are released to reach your future goals and desires. May the greater understanding of God’s love for you which you have gained this year be used as an unshakeable basis for your self worth and foundation for your life. May all your relationships be healthy, rewarding, and free from resentment. May the voice of God be clear in your spirit so that your words and decisions flow from His wisdom, bringing healing and wholeness to every aspect of your life.

Have a very merry and blessed Christmas! R.H. @ ReceiveHealing.com

You can identify the typical stress patterns you experience when facing life’s struggles and follow a clear plan to leave them behind.

Fellow SelfGrowth.com expert, Jeanie Marshall, Personal Development expert, has written a helpful article to teach you to release the various stress reactions that occur in your body when facing life’s struggles. It begins with helping you identify the reactions that take place in your body so you can train yourself to be aware of when you are beginning to struggle with something. She then gives a couple of creative ideas for permanently releasing old hurts that are adding to your current struggles.

Here is an excerpt from Jeanie Marshalls’ article with a link to the full article below:

Struggle is a common expectation in our society. We tend to plan for it, anticipate it, and invite it into our lives. It has become so familiar that we often push away joy or peace or harmony, declaring such experiences to be unreal or temporary or frivolous.

Select something real in your life that you struggle against, just to give yourself a laboratory. Practicing on something real but not overwhelming will give you courage to explore something you consider a major struggle. Bring this idea or subject into your mind and feel the feelings. You may find it helpful to close your eyes to stay focused on the task. What does the struggle feel like? What sensations do you feel in your body and where do you feel them? What emotions do you feel and how do you feel them? Hear what you say about this subject to yourself. What does the resistance/struggle sound like? What color is the struggle? How big or small is the struggle?

Identify all the reactions, signals, sensations, feelings, and emotions that you can. Try not to ignore anything that comes into your awareness as you read this. How does your neck feel? Your shoulders? Your stomach? Do you feel agitated or impatient?

How you respond to these questions suggests how you respond to struggle in other parts of your life. While you may want to believe that this is just a hypothetical exercise, it’s not. It’s a real exercise, one that can train your awareness and all the muscles in your being to choose responses other than struggle. It’s helpful to know how you struggle if you wish to change your pattern.

So, are you ready to graduate from the School of Struggle? If you choose to stay longer, you’ll continue to learn…, though, that you’re likely to learn and re-learn and re-learn again the same lessons. Other schools await your enrollment. The School of Joy. The School of Peace. The School of Abundance. The School of Love. The School of Health. The School of Laughter. The School of Enlightenment. The School of Mastery.

Give up struggle for freedom, fear for love, illness for health, pain for joy, hopelessness for mastery, etc . Say goodbye to those experiences you’ve completed or to those persons whose relationships with you have ended. You won’t be able to stay in The School of Joy if you hold onto struggle – you’ll be expelled or asked to take a leave of absence. Merely enrolling in The School of Love is not enough, you must practice unconditional love and not cut classes.

You won’t be successful claiming that all is well or life is good while fierce anger or pain or unresolved issues are stuck inside you. Let the unwanted stuff go. If struggle has been your friend, give a going away party or a hello freedom party to celebrate the release of this energy…

Read Jeanie’s full article for the description of the Going Away Party to release old hurts that are causing recurring struggles.

Table of contents for Attracting Abundance

1. Clear the Path to Attract Abundance
2. An Activity for Moving from Projection to Abundance

We each desire good to come to us in our relationships with other people and with God. Sometimes it is necessary to clear the path for abundance by evaluating the views we automatically project onto others and God.

Each of us have ideas of how other people will respond to us based on past experiences. There may be certain personality types which don’t mesh well with our own, so we immediately assume anyone with one of those personality types will not like us and will not bring good into our lives. Or, some have a more extreme view, going through life assuming that it is most likely that any person will not like them. Obviously, past negative experiences tend to leave a deeper mark than positive ones. It is beneficial to clear the path for abundance by evaluating and altering negative views from past experiences that we project onto people as projection repels, rather than attracts, whatever good they may bring into our lives.

Projection is the opposite of the Law of Attraction.

For those who haven’t read about projection before, it is a term from psychology which basically is the opposite of the Law of Attraction, repelling good instead of attracting it. In the Law of Attraction, no matter how bad your life has been up to that point, you choose to change and believe that your life is destined for good purposes and good results; you choose to believe that abundance will come to you. This causes you to be looking for, and eventually see, the right openings and beneficial connections which you otherwise would have missed if you had a defeatist attitude.

With projection, a person projects negative feelings and perceptions from past experiences into present job situations and relationships. He or she expects the same past bad scenarios to repeat themselves, or is afraid that they will. The person may frequently change jobs or change relationships due to this unrecognized habit of projection. Completely unaware, the person now interprets people’s responses on the new job or in the new personal life in light of those past experiences; it is like there is a negative filter on all input, hindering good, positive progress in life with regards to jobs, relationships, and other opportunities. The other people are unaware the person is wrongfully interpreting all their info. He/she then responds in a negative defensive, angry, or hurt attitude toward the new people, actually recreating a constant cycle of the same old problems in the present situations. To put it in simplest form, your negative view of how others will act toward you cause peoples to “treat you poorly” and create more negative experiences; however, it is your own response and actions based on your negative perceptions from the past that make people again react negatively toward you.

When you evaluate your job and personal life situations, do you change jobs and relationships frequently due to past problems recurring no matter what the job or who you are involved with? If so, realize the people and situations are different. It is most likely your projection, or negative info filter, which is recreating the same problems regardless of where you are or who you are with. A decision to forgive yourself and others is necessary to free yourself from the past. It does not mean that you are foolish and go into situations or relationships blindly, not protecting yourself from fraud or physical abuse, etc. However, you need to evaluate situations and responses in light of the present. Do not assume people are treating you badly. Expect people to like you. Expect good opportunities to come to you. Think and act in ways that are positive and attract abundance. And, if you think someone is treating you the same as in the past, possibly recreating a bad scenario, be sure to ask for clarification in a non-hostile way.

If you need to forgive yourself and others, take a look at these posts:

Healing by Forgiving Yourself
Holding on to Forgiveness Instead of Failure
Resentment and Anger Management
Forgiveness or Reconciliation: Understanding the Difference

In addition to opening the path of abundance by removing projection from your relationships with people, one can benefit by evaluating if similar projection is taking place in his or her relationship with God.

The causes of projection in one’s relationship with God are usually much more obvious:

1. Past abusive relationships with fathers or ex-husbands cause one to project those characteristics onto God, solely due to the intended positive analogy in Scripture of paternal characteristics in God.

2. Because of God’s position of authority, one may project bad past experiences with any authority figure, parental or otherwise, onto God.

3. Some religious leaders present God has a harsh, unforgiving, unreachable person due to either distortions regarding the character of God, or a failure to teach the full scope of God’s character (such as only teaching on His justice.)

Though Scripture makes clear that spiritual beings are neither male or female, God often uses the analogy of a father to illustrate to us certain positive characteristics seen in good earthly fathers which also exist in Himself. The analogy is intended to help us understand His undying love and compassion.

Throughout my career, I have made it a point to remind people that God’s fatherly characteristics are those of, not just a good father but, a perfect one, since God is perfect and that concept has been helpful to them in overcoming projection of the past onto God. However, the main way to overcome such negative thoughts about God is by replacing them with the truth about Himself that He has provided. If you realize that you are projecting past negative experiences onto God and you need to change, clearing the path of abundance between you and Him, take a look at these past posts. Just like any good father, Father God desires a clear path to pour all kinds of loving abundance into your life. Choose to make yourself receptive to the abundance!

God Wants Our Lives to be Well
Handling the Fear of God’s Rejection

You can do a quick self-test for your level of anxiety, fear, or stress.

Performing this test will help you determine how much anxiety, fear, and stress are affecting your life, as well as some of the possible root causes. The official name of the test is the Rhomberg neurologic test and it will immediately show if you suffer from low level anxiety syndrome.

Stand with your feet put together. Then stand on your tips toes. Now close your eyes. If you cannot keep your balance once you close your eyes, you have low level anxiety syndrome. People who pass the test and can keep their balance while their eyes are closed will have an anxiety level of 10 during an immediate fearful situation, but the next day be back to level 1. Those with low level anxiety syndrome stay at an anxiety level or 4 or 5 all the time.

You may recognize these other common physical symptoms associated with low level anxiety syndrome.

People with low level anxiety often have numerous allergies. They are also sensitive to scents such as perfumes or newsprint. Caffeine may keep them up all night. In addition, they are usually very sensitive to even small doses of prescription and over-the-counter drugs.

The source of low level anxiety syndrome is not freeing yourself from these undesirable emotions.

If you didn’t pass the test and realize that you live in a constant state of low level anxiety, evaluate which of the following undesirable emotions are the source of your anxiety. People who are perfectionists often suffer from low level anxiety. Unresolved bitterness, unforgiveness, or jealousy create anxiety. Broken heart issues, physical abuse, poor relationships with parents or siblings, feeling that you must jump through hoops to be accepted are all possible sources of low level anxiety.

Low level anxiety reduces the body’s ability to eliminate toxins, causing a variety of illnesses.

Due to the low level anxiety, cell membranes maintain an unhealthy level of rigidity. The increased rigidity hinders the body’s ability to eliminate toxins, drugs, and xenoestrogens (Xenoestrogens are a chemical common to many dairy and meat products–ones that contain growth hormones–and pesticides. They mimic or “act like” additional estrogen in the body, creating numerous health problems including various types of cancer.).

Illnesses such as chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, ovarian cysts, and fibrocystic cyst disease have their root in the emotions mentioned above that cause low level anxiety.

Bringing resolution to your undesirable emotions is the beginning point for reducing anxiety.

If you are a perfectionist by nature, start allowing yourself to be human. Allow more reasonable time limits for achieving goals. Rather than trying to live at a level higher than the rest of the human race, be happy with the person you are, appreciating that you are a diligent person yet being loving enough to yourself to allow and forgive mistakes.

If deep seated bitterness, unforgiveness, or jealousy is the source of your anxiety, resolution needs to take place. Realize that resolution does not need to involve the other person, as resolution with the other person is often not possible; it takes place within you. For a detailed explanation of this concept, read my post, Forgiveness or Reconciliation: Understanding the Difference.

If you have been through physical abuse, seriously consider seeing a therapist or attending a support group to work through the emotions. If finances are an issue for therapy, shelters for abused women sometimes provide free consulting with therapists.

If you feel that you must “jump through hoops” to be loved, this resolution begins within you, realizing that you are a valuable solely because you exist; your personal value must be based on what God says of you. Since His love is unfailing and unchanging, this keeps your self worth intact even when others do not value you properly. Read through the following posts:
Rejection to Self Esteem Building
Does Love Have to be Earned
A Love that Isn’t Earned
Healing One’s Self Worth

If poor relationships with family are the main source of your anxiety, you may wish to consult with a therapist or pastor for assistance. Also read through the posts:
Healing Through Overcoming Family Past
Forgiveness or Reconciliation: Understanding the Difference.

The details on the Rhomberg Test and Low Level Anxiety Syndrome came from a brochure by Dr. Peter Eckhart, www.womhoo.com .

A misunderstanding of forgiveness can keep you from receiving the desired resolution to the hurts you have suffered.

Some people continue to allow others to harm them because they wrongly believe that, to be loving and forgiving, they must keep giving in to the other person’s demands or lifestyle. Other people avoid forgiveness due to the fear that it requires a lowering their boundaries and allowing the person to hurt them again.

Such misconceptions takes place due to not understanding the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. God is clear that we always need to forgive, but He is also clear that you cannot always reconcile with the person who hurt you. You may recall my mentioning in another post God’s instructions in Matthew 18 on dealing with someone who harms you. In verse 15, He says that we are to confront those who harm us, clearly letting them know how they wronged us so that they will have a definite opportunity to change and make things right. However, in verse 17, God describes that, after a process of varying attempts to allow the harmful person to make a life change, it is spiritually and morally correct to distance yourself from a person who continues to harm you. When you have a clear understanding of this resolution process, and of the definitions of forgiveness and reconciliation, it (1) frees you from the past to move forward and (2) releases you from the guilt one usually feels from breaking off a relationship.

Learning to have a voice and speak of how you were wronged to those you trust as well as to the person who harmed you is an important part of personal growth and establishing boundaries.

Let’s take a slight detour and focus on why you need to be able to express your personal boundaries as well as violations to them. ACC, referenced below, says that confronting a person who wronged us was considered a positive action even under Mosaic law and that the Jews had a saying that the ruin of a nation was caused by not confronting the person who harms other people, “No man reproving another.” It is easy to see how the complete breakdown of relationships, families, and all social structures are described as stemming from not confronting a destructive person. Such action is not taken out of ill-will or hatred, but with the desire of restoration of the relationship. Restoration may not be possible, but the voicing of the harm done to you is necessary for your own well-being. Look at these 3 translations of Lev. 19:17 in the Mosaic law.

-You shall not hate your brother in your heart but you shall surely rebuke your him lest you incur sin because of him. AMP

-Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke him frankly so you will not share in his guilt. NIV

-Let there be no hate in your heart for your brother; but you may make a protest to your neighbor, so that he may be stopped from doing evil. BBE

God’s Scriptural guidelines on confronting a harmful person are still effective for us in modern culture.

After doing research on this passage from Matthew 18, I was so impressed with how the accurately Scriptural instructions to dealing with a harmful person still apply in modern culture that I want to share with you the research from these two sources. Let me briefly list the process and then share the detailed commentary on it.

1. Privately speak to the person who harmed you and explain why their words or actions were a violation of your boundaries and socially acceptable behavior. [The exception to this would be if you are in a situation were physical harm is possible.]

2. If the destructive person does not desire to make a lifestyle change after this initial discussion, take 2 or 3 people of credibility who are familiar with the situation to again speak to the person in hopes of restoration. [This is similar to family members confronting the person before taking the matter outside the family.]

3. If the person with harmful behavior still feels no remorse and motivation to change, one last attempt is made by a group of credible people to again explain the violations of the boundaries and the need for change for healing to take place in the relationships. In Scriptural context, this is referring to a group of church leaders such as the pastor and elders. This is actually comparable to doing what is termed an Intervention in our culture, where you have family, credible friends, and a therapist as a group sit down and reason with the destructive person.

4. If all attempts fail, Scripture says that the person is to be treated as “a Publican or tax collector,” meaning that you should no longer have social interaction with the person due to their decision to continue a destructive lifestyle. Publicans and tax collectors were people that Jews did not have social interaction with due to their lack of moral character.

This is a paraphrase of comments on the Matthew 18 passage by Adam Clarke’s Commentary, as it was written in old English.

Note that first there is a public step to solve a private dispute. Men capable of injuring their fellow man are often so hardened that they reject the kindest expostulation [The effort to reason earnestly with someone in an effort to correct them. thefreedictionary.com] If a person acts in this way, shall we give him up? No, we must make an internal effort: Tell it to the group. The whole assembly must hear the situation, and they plead with him. He is to have the opportunity of hearing the judgment and advice of the group. Should this last attempt fail, he must be considered incapable of being corrected. The brother is then left to himself. We desire a person’s deliverance from a destructive life. In all probability, the obstinate person will ridicule the action of the group, and yet there is some possibility that he will be led to a change of heart and mind. Nothing is done vindictively, but with the purpose of setting the person right. The harmful person who will not be reconciled incurs much guilt by resisting the attempts of love.

In the Matthew Henry Commentary, he makes another valid point. As in the Matthew 18 passage and others, Scripture recommends that if someone in a church group has harmful behavior, use this process to try to resolve it within the group, rather than take it to a judicial system that is run by non-godfearing people. His take is that if the person refuses changing the destructive lifestyle, a person then may feel justified in using the courts to correct the situation. I’ll again paraphrase this as it is in old English.

If he…persists in the wrong …and proceeds to do you more wrong, let him be as an unbeliever; take the benefit of the law against him, but let that always be the last remedy …break off your friendship and social interactions with him, though you should be no means act out of revenge…You should desire healing of his life, desire to preserve his friendship, but, since he would not, he has forfeited it.

This withdrawing of social interaction is (1) in hopes that the person will be ashamed of his or her harmful actions but also (2) that you will not continue to be affected by it. Henry goes on to say, “Those who show contempt for the rules of society forfeit the honors and privileges of it until they are willing to change, submit to [society rules] and follow through with reconciliation.”

Resolution can come to your heart either way, via forgiveness alone or forgiveness and reconciliation, but, since the actual wrong can never be undone, forgiveness within yourself, canceling the person’s debt to you, must take place.

A Definition of Forgiveness is:

“Forgiveness is something that we do in our hearts; we release someone from a debt that they owe us. We no longer condemn them…The person who owes me the debt does not have to ask my forgiveness. It is a work of grace in my heart. It is freedom from the abusive person who hurt you. The Bible compares forgiving people to releasing them from a legal debt. (pp. 251, 262 Boundaries, Townsend and Cloud).”

This can be very difficult, for as Townsend and Cloud say, forgiveness means “that we will never get from the other person what was owed us [because we have decided to cancel the debt and not try to collect]. And this is what we do not like, because it involves grieving for what will never be. (Boundaries, p. 263).” Realizing grieving is part of the healing process, we have to allow ourselves to grieve over the fact that the past cannot be changed; it cannot be the way we wished it would have been. Unforgiveness keeps you involved in the destructive relationship because you are still expecting some form of repayment from the harmful person. Allow yourself to grieve over the past so that you can release it, be freed from it, and live for the present and future.

Though we should desire it when possible, reconciliation cannot always take place because it involves the cooperation of both people.

Other than the Matthew 18 example already given, another example is with Jesus Himself. His spiritual work through His death and resurrection was to bring a “legal” payment in the spiritual realm for our sins so that we can be forgiven of the guilt from them and have restoration and reconciliation in our relationship with God. Yet, though God has offered forgiveness on His part to all mankind, not everyone appropriates or takes advantage of the opportunity to have reconciliation with Him. It takes both people to have reconciliation. Though you forgive someone for hurting you, it does not mean that they are trustworthy; it takes time for them to prove a lifestyle change. In Mattew 3:7,8, John the Baptist, the prophet who announced Jesus’ coming as Messiah to the Jewish people, condemned the religious leaders of his day because of their hypocrisy, pretending to be repentant – changed. He told them that they had to produce a lifestyle that was a proper expression of repentance or proved their repentance. The point for us today is the same; there are people living harmful lives who verbally say they are sorry, but then continue to live the same harmful, destructive lives. Such a lifestyle is so horrendous in the sight of God that the prophet called these religious leaders a brood of poisonous snakes and enemies of all that is good. A changed life is the only proof of a changed heart. The Greek term here for repentance, metanoeo, is a reversal of one’s decision, including the reversal of one’s thinking and feeling–the logical result then being a reversal in one’s actions (Strong’s Dictionary of NT Words).

Whereas forgiveness focuses on releasing the past, reconciliation is a matter of having a healthy future with proper boundaries.

As mentioned earlier, if the harmful person is not repentant and will not change the destructive patterns of his or her life, forgiveness is all you can do. Forgiveness alone will bring you resolution. However, when a true change of heart and then of lifestyle takes place in the hurtful person, reconciliation is the next step. Realize that it takes a passage of time for the repentant lifestyle to be proven. Many therapists suggest that once the social separation has taken place, as mentioned earlier in the Scriptural example, you need to see that a socially appropriate lifestyle-one that is not destructive-is lived out by the person who harmed you for a period of at least 6 months before working toward social interaction again and reconciliation in the relationship. Your part in the reconciliation is to live out proper boundaries in your life, only allowing healthy social interactions and speaking out clear messages when someone violates the rules of healthy social behavior. Proper boundaries also involve resulting consequences for those who violate your boundaries, consequences varying with the situation. If someone dumps responsibility on you that isn’t yours, don’t do their work for them again; let them experience the loss. If someone is verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive, speak out the violation of your boundaries, but, as in the Scriptural example, stopping social interaction with that person is necessary so they experience the consequences of their behavior, i.e. the loss of a relationship with you.

When people fail you, you continue to forgive, even if it is solely for your own benefit. But reconciliation can only take place with people who are honest about their failures, learn from the mistakes, and make changes in their lifestyles. This is the type of social situation that is healthy and one you can work with. As Scripture says, “We all fail in many ways (Jms. 3:2)” Here is the clear difference, though, in a person with whom you cannot work toward reconciliation. When a person continues in dishonesty by denying that they have hurt you, or like the religious leaders of Jesus’ time, by claiming to have changed when they do not live out a real life complete change of direction, your boundaries need to stay in tact, keeping out the harm, even though you have forgiven them.

“Boundaries: When to Say, “Yes,” When to Say, “No,” to Take Control of Your Life” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It is an average reading level and the book gives real life relationship examples throughout to make it easy for you to identify your personality type, weaknesses, personality types of friends, family, co-workers, etc. I believe it was on the NY Best Sellers List for several years. The ISBN on the softcover version is 0-310-24745-4.

As mentioned in a recent post, resentment or bitterness results from you not dealing with past hurts. But what can be done about resentment toward you in the person or persons closest to you?

First of all, remember you can only change yourself.

You cannot make the other person forgive you or reconcile; neither can you make him or her discuss the sources of the resentment, if they are not willing. By being wise and non-confrontational in your approach, hopefully you can create a non-threatening atmosphere that will allow your significant other to be willing to discuss the hurts which bred the resentment. If you are willing to listen to the criticism and accept it in a constructive way, even if the communication toward you is not necessarily in the most pleasant of form, you will have examples to work with to make needed changes on your end. If the person is absolutely unwilling to talk at this time, you have to begin with expressing your sorrow for causing him hurt, and make changes in any areas in which you are already aware that have caused resentment. In other words, begin by not adding to the resentment that already exists, making changes to your habits or personality which you already know are offensive to your loved one.

To more easily identify problem areas, let’s take a look again at what causes resentment.

Not Confronting Boundary Violations – Due to childhood environment, some people have a very difficult time saying, “No,” for a variety of reasons:

-Especially in religious circles, people are often made to feel that they can never say “No;” they are told that a “No” response is always unloving and selfish instead of self-sacrificing. However, in Matthew 18:15 and following, God very specifically says that if someone wrongs you, you are to clearly let the person know so that he can change. Verse 17 also makes it clear that if the person is unwilling to stop the inappropriate behavior or abuse, you should distance yourself from that person.

-Afraid of hurting other people’s feelings

-Afraid of angry responses/conflict resulting from speaking truthfully from his heart

Giving Under Compulsion – The hurting person outwardly complies but inwardly resents giving in to your demands. He resents giving in due to missing out of something important to his own life or because it violates what he personally feels is right to do in the situation. A resentful person usually feels compelled to give for the following reasons:

- The giving is initially out of compassion but then the controlling person manipulates him to give more than what he feels able to or is right to.

- He makes the choice to win your approval and avoid conflict.

- He makes the choice because an “oversensitive” conscience [one that isn't working properly] makes him feel guilty to say “No” and disappoint you.

- Similar to the oversensitive conscience, he gives in based on his own sense of what he “needs” to do, even though it is incorrect, such as taking responsibilities that you were supposed to do and didn’t follow through with.

Give clear, verbal admission to your spouse or significant other that you are willing for him to make needed changes on his end to prevent further resentment, that you will not respond selfishly or in anger to him expressing his boundaries.

Make it clear that the other person is free to:

- Give in to his own sense of what should he should or should not do in a situation, rather than being afraid of disappointing or angering you.

- Give you clear descriptions of what he feels the proper rules of your relationship are and how whatever specific circumstance is taking place at a particular moment is not going according to healthy relationship rules.

- Be in control of his choices in spite of what his oversensitive feeling may be saying internally. Be clear that you do not want him to do something because he feels that he “had to.” In reality, there is no such thing as “had to.” We are in control of our choices regardless of our emotions.

- Say “No” to your wants when he feels you are expecting too much or something that violates his boundaries in another way. You, in turn, need to be willing to quit wanting too much of other people, as is typical of a controlling personality.

As you both desire change, be willing to face the fact that if nothing changes, nothing changes.

That sounds silly, but way too many people go through life earnestly desiring their lives to change but never making any changes.

-You must each identify your own failures. If you are manipulative and expecting too much, admit it and change. If your significant other who is struggling with resentment is compliant, as is often the case, he needs to admit that he should have spoken clear boundaries and done what he felt was right, and now change-speak and act according to his boundaries in the future.

- Be aware that you each must change how you handle situations. For example, you make a commitment to be aware of when you are being too controlling and handle the situation differently by limiting your wants and asking what the other person’s needs are. The resentful person chooses to become aware of when he is feeling afraid to speak or act truthful to his desires and now speak and act truthfully in spite of past fears. He should also take notice of when you are not recognizing his need or boundary in a situation and handle the situation differently than in the past by verbalizing his boundary or his need.

Related Article: Resentment and Anger Management

Resentment not dealt with is a roadblock to emotional and physical healing.

Resentment usually results from a lack of dealing with conflicts. This doesn’t necessarily mean you must resolve the conflict with the other person; sometimes, that isn’t possible, especially if the person is volatile or hostile. However, you must deal with your feelings toward the past conflict in your own mind. As will be mentioned later in this post, emotional and physical ailments result from not coming to terms with past events and dealing with your resentment.

The first step in ridding yourself of resentment is to own up to your own choices.

As the old saying goes, “It takes two to tangle.” By admitting to the mistakes you made in the situation, it enables you to stop the blame game-to stop your focus of solely blaming the other person for your problems. This does not condone the other person’s harmful behavior toward you. This does not mean that you pretend that such behavior is wrong. However, instead of being focused on solely blaming the other person, you take responsibility for your own poor choices. For example, maybe you chose to get into an abusive relationship by ignoring the warning signs. Or, maybe the conflict arose because you insisted on discussing a difficult topic when you knew the other person was too tired or ill. Or, if you are a compliant dealing with a controlling person, you need to admit that you “allowed” the other person to control you and did something that you later resented when, instead, you should have set boundaries by refusing to do what you knew was not in your best interest. If your resentment stems from being over-giving to loved ones or over-involved in a good cause, again you need to admit your own fault in not setting healthy limits instead of feeling resentful that no one else stopped you or tried to help carry the load you chose. When you reflect on the situation causing resentment, do you catch yourself saying phrases such as, “I had to…” or “They made me…” If so, you are ignoring your personal responsibility. You are in control of your own choices, whether you “feel” like it or not. If you make decisions based on winning someone’s approval or due to guilty feelings, resentment will follow. You are the one who lives with the consequences of your decisions, so you must make choices that you are happy to live with.

Decide now what the limits should be from this point on in the relationships that are causing resentment.

Remember that giving is supposed to be a gift of love, not done because of someone else’s insistence, manipulation, temper, or the guilty feelings you get by saying “no” to their unreasonable desires. God reminds us that the principle of giving out of love, not compulsion, is just as necessary in our relationship with Him as with others. “Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver (2 Cor. 9:7).” If it is a friend or loved one who won’t take responsibility for jobs that are theirs to be done, or procrastinate and then expect you to use your time to bail them out, decide now if these are situations you should help with at all and how much help you can give cheerfully so you will live free of resentment. Realize that the person will very likely not be happy about these new boundaries because they have developed a pattern of life of other people doing their responsibilities for them; it is possible that their personality is so controlling that no one has ever said “No” to their unreasonable requests. That person may have wants and needs, but so do you. To have a loving relationship, we must respect each other’s limits. Your limits must be carefully decided by you because you are the only person who knows what you can give-in the areas of emotional support, time, energy, etc.-and still have time for your own mental, physical, and spiritual health, and what you want to give (are able to do and still feel positive about the situation). Only by realizing your limits and living by them can you avoid repeating and deepening already existing resentment.

Other steps to proper anger management are also beneficial to rid your life of resentment.

I’d like to direct you to further reading by Dr. Dorothy Neddermeyer. I’ve referred you to an article by her before. Here are a few quotes from her article and the link below to the full post.

Approximately 70% of people have a tendency to suppress anger. In other words, they bottle it up and lash out later…Given the statistics, there is a 90% chance that you may not be communicating your anger in a compassionate way. What happens when anger is not communicated compassionately? In other words, what is the effect of either suppressive or aggressive anger behavior? Aside from destroying relationships and careers, the physical health affect of inappropriate anger management can be deadly. My review of the medical literature over the past 30 years on the effect of inappropriate anger behavior health suggests a direct link with heart disease, arthritis, MS, high blood pressure, cancer, and strokes to name a few…As you can readily see, anger is not simply an unpleasant emotion. It can have a deadly influence on your health. However, note that anger per se is not the problem. It is what you do with the anger.

Communicating anger compassionately requires a two-step process.

Step I: Communicate with yourself by reframing your anger. Instead of blaming the other person or event when you are angry, ask the question, “What is my anger teaching me about myself?” You need to shift the negative focus off the ‘other’ person or event and direct the questions to yourself…Think of your anger as a doorway to some virtue that you need to learn. It could be that you need to learn personal responsibility, a greater sense of self-esteem, compassion or creativity.

Step II: Communicate assertively with others…Your goal is to achieve a sense of peace at the end of the conversation by having a better understanding of the person and the situation. [The article contains a long list of steps to do this.]

[Step III] If a person has left your life and you are unable to express your feelings, what can you do? In this case, communicate through forgiveness. To forgive means that you erase a negative memory or picture of someone with a positive one. It does not mean condoning someone’s negative actions or letting them off the hook. It merely means that you will no longer hold any anger towards them. Forgiveness is for your healing and your well being…Until you forgive, the blocked energy of resentment will remain within you. Either of two things will happen: it might materialize as disease, or angry events will occur in the future in order that you learn the lesson of forgiveness. This is why forgiveness is so important.

Read Dr. Dorothy’s full article on Anger Management here.

While in a time of prayer and meditation this morning, some thoughts came to mind about God’s mercy. Are we in His mercy or at His mercy?

Many of us have been raised to feel that we are “at” God’s mercy, that God is an uncompassionate authority figure who rules over our lives at a distance, yet He is unmoved by the severity of our situations and we are forced to feel grateful if He acts in our behalf. Such feelings may be due to inadequate religious teaching from childhood or a parent or other authority figure that misused their authority. Feelings of being “at” God’s mercy may even stem from being raised in poverty, which often causes one to feel that you are always at the mercy of others’ whims and unable to help yourself.

As I began to study the topic of God’s mercy this evening, I discovered that God’s mercy is clearly governed by His overwhelming love and concern for us.

The first passages I came across were of people in crises who were writing about God’s response to their cries for help. Take a look at these people’s view of God’s merciful responses:

In my alarm I said, “I am cut off from Your sight!” Yet You heard my cry for mercy when I called to You for help. Ps. 31:22

I love the LORD, for He heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy. Ps 116:1

In all their distress, He too was distressed, and the angel of His presence saved them. In His love and mercy He redeemed them; He lifted them up and carried them all the days of old. Is. 63:9

Notice some of their key points about God’s mercy during their crises.

1. His mercy is great or vast.
2. In a moment of terror, when the person thought he was abandoned, God heard his cry and helped him.
3. His love and mercy caused God to actually empathize and feel the distress of the person in the situation. He then responded in a nurturing way.

In these next quotes, the writers’ express God’s mercy toward someone repentant of evil.

But in Your great mercy You did not put an end to them or abandon them, for You are a gracious and merciful God. Neh. 9:31

Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the LORD, and He will have mercy on him, and to our God, for He will freely pardon. Is. 55:7

Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgressions? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. Mic. 7:18

1. The first writer expresses that, in his experience, he has seen that God’s mercy caused Him not to punish or abandon people though undeserving of His mercy.
2. The second writer says one can have confidence that God will indeed have mercy upon the repentant, because He “freely” pardons. In other words, God is generous with His mercy, not stingy.
3. The last writer says that no one compares with God due to His level of delighting in showing mercy. All these passages reinforce the concept that we are not “at” God’s mercy, or as the phrase implies, at the mercy of an uncompassionate ruling authority.

Another incredible illustration of the mercy of God comes from a prophecy about the birth of John the Baptist.

Luke 1:76-78 says that John would be a prophet to prepare the way before Jesus to “give God’s people the knowledge of salvation through the forgiveness of their sins, because of the tender mercy of our God. The very act of God coming in human flesh to complete our salvation was due to the “tender mercy” of God, not the haphazard good deed of an unkind, unjust judge of mankind.

In Scripture, we are told to seek wisdom. James describes the wisdom of heaven or of God with mercy being a part of His wisdom.

“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere (Jms. 3:17).” First of all, when we are “at” the mercy of someone, they are not the type of person which one would describe as wise, much less embodying all of the loving, gracious attributes described here. Even notice that God’s mercy is described as being full of good results.

The picture should be getting clear now, that we live “in” the mercy of God, not “at” His mercy. A closer look at the root words used for “mercy” complete our portrait of the mercy of God.

In the James passage, the word for mercy in the Greek is eleos, the literal meaning of which is active compassion. Active compassion would never describe someone who manipulates people “at their mercy.” The other Greek word I came across for mercy had the same root meaning, that of active compassion.

The Hebrew words for mercy are even more beautifully descriptive of the mercy of God that we live in. Psalm 103:17 states, “But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that revere him.” The Hebrew word for mercy in this quote is Checed, the full meaning of which includes: kindness, beauty, favor, good deeds, and loving-kindness. A different Hebrew word for mercy, Racham, is used in the passage from Nehemiah earlier in this article. It’s root meaning is just as lovely and complete: compassion, tender love, great and tender mercy, an extension of the womb-as in the cherishing of the fetus.

These few passages from just a handful of writers make it beautifully clear that not only do we live “in” the mercy of God, but God’s mercy is so phenomenally wonderful and beautiful that it is something no one should ever desire to live without.

Let’s deal with your life at the present moment. You may just have a variety of issues you need to deal with, or you may be in a major crisis. Or, maybe you’re suffering from some serious mistakes and feeling repentant. God’s mercy, His mercy that is everlasting, actively compassionate, kind, tender, and loving is available for you today, no matter what your need. I’m going to end this post with one of my favorite passages regarding God’s mercy.

For we do not have a High Priest [referring to Jesus] who is unable to sympathize and have a fellow feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation…Let us then fearlessly and confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of grace–the throne of God’s unmerited favor to us sinners; that we may receive mercy for our failures and find grace to help in good time for every need-appropriate help and well-timed help, coming just when we need it. Heb. 4:15,16 (Amplified)

Definitions are from Strong’s Dictionary of OT Words and Strong’s Dictionary of NT Words.