Do your efforts to maintain your self esteem cultivate an environment of self worth or defeat for those around you?

Some of the most difficult people with whom to maintain healthy long-term relationships are those who feel that every conflict of opinion is an opportunity to prove that they are “right,” rather than come to a mutual understanding of other people’s points of views. Every disagreement instantly puts them into a “challenge to win” mode, which, unfortunately for the people in the relationships around them, means someone else must first lose. Another person is never allowed to have a different way of doing something because this person’s way is always better, as far as he or she is concerned. We cannot always avoid this type of person, as they may be a required part of the environment at work, home, or other frequented social settings. Today, however, let’s look at this in a more personal way.

Ask yourself, “Am I the type of person whose determination to always win produces an environment of defeat for other people?”

Joel Osteen is well-known worldwide for his gifting of encouragement. I’ve listened to him speak in the past, but had never been to his blog. This morning I felt the unusual impression to make my way there and came across a story on Joel and Victoria’s blog about a counseling session with this type of person. This comment was very insightful:

She didn’t recognize that her desire to be right all the time was driving home the point that everyone around her was wrong. She was creating a losing environment for her husband and children and depleting their sense of worth and value. Sadly, she didn’t even realize it… If you never let your spouse or your children win, you’re creating a spirit of defeat on the inside of them. Eventually, your family will just quit trying and lose that passion to win. (See Footnote)

You do not want to be responsible for creating a spirit of defeat in those with whom you daily interact when you have the power to cultivate a self esteem-building environment instead.

The blog went on to say that if you allow others to have winning moments, building their self esteems, you will live in an environment of winners. This description gives a good mental image for this concept.

You definitely do not want to create a self esteem-destroying environment with your spouse or children. But even in your less emotionally close associations at work or other frequented social settings such as clubs, boards, councils, etc, you do not want to be responsible for creating an environment which defeats people’s self esteems.

To motivate yourself toward change, ask yourself these questions.

1. Do I really want to be responsible for negatively affecting someone’s value of their own gift of life?
2. Do I want to be responsible for anyone being less effective in what they do or not reaching as high a goal as they would have if I had not beat down their self esteem?
3. Do I want to negatively affect someone else’s destiny?

Cultivating an environment of healthy self esteem is a win/win situation.

If you have lived out the feeling of a “challenge to win and make someone else lose” whenever they have a differing opinion, the realization that such action causes you to lose as well by harming your important relationships may be motivational enough to put an end to that game once and for all. By being aware of how your proper responses can build someone else’s self worth, you are becoming a better person, a less self-focused person. Rather than being motivated by a false desire that you “win” when you make someone else “lose,” draw satisfaction from the truth that allowing others the freedom to express themselves and implement their ideas and visions makes you a participant in their personal growth and success. And, not any less vital, cultivating the environment of self esteem will allow your relationships to flourish with life-long benefits!

The first quote was taken from the August 20th, 2009, post on Joel Osteen’s site. If you would like to read their full post on the topic, click here.

Rejection comes to each of us, but we can take steps to heal and move forward with the productive life we deserve and desire.

Many readers have asked for help in dealing with rejection from parents and other relationships. Whether rejection comes from a family member, friend, co-worker, or even a mere stranger, it leaves us with a wide variety of emotions, such as pain and guilt, and questions as to why would someone feel that way about us. Let’s cover several steps that help us to heal and move forward to a happier life.

First, don’t spend a great deal of time questioning why.

Unless the person broke the relationship due to a major personality flaw on your part which they directly communicated to you as the cause of the rejection–and you already know you need to work on that aspect–quit questioning why. If there was no such communication on the offender’s part, speculation will not help you for the following reason. If the cause was a personality flaw on your part and they were not willing to communicate in such as way as to allow for healing and reconciliation in the relationship, the offender is not presently, and may never be, in a mental/emotional state to have a long-term, healthy relationship. As it is, it is much more likely, since they were unwilling to communicate in a way as to provide for reconciliation, that the major emotional issues are on their part.

Second, quit being too hard on yourself.

If you are aware of certain mistakes you made that contributed to the rejection, you can always work on changing those behaviors, even getting profession help if needed. However, you must be realistic in accessing your failures. Usually a person who is suffering from rejection is too hard on him or herself, taking more than their share of the blame. Full blame in a relationship failure is never solely due to one person, even if it is something such as the lack of the other person being willing to communicate in such a way that adjustments in the relationship could have been made.

Similar to overcoming depression, you must replace incorrect, harmful thoughts with positive ones.

Why? Because your thoughts will influence the direction of your life. I referred to a book before by Creflo Dollar which describes the pattern of our lives very effectively. He describes it this way. Your thoughts, whether positive or negative, will create your emotions. Those emotions will then influence your decisions. Your decisions cause you to take action. Actions form habits or your lifestyle. Those habits determine your destiny-the final destination of your life. You can follow the reference to read more about Creflo’s book. Realize now the absolute necessity of not allowing your thoughts of the rejection to continue. If you do, those thoughts will produce self-defeating emotions and decisions, leading to destructive lifestyle habits. You will cause your destiny to be directed by harmful person! Instead, you must choose to change your thoughts to beneficial ones that will direct you to the destiny you desire! (1)

Fourth, realize that negative thoughts cannot be changed without replacing them with positive ones.

To overcome the negativity that is overrunning your thought life as a result of the rejection, you must actively make yourself think on thoughts that will move you forward to the productive life you should be living. There are 3 main ways to replace thoughts of rejection.

1. Base your value on God’s value of you. With all the beauty that exists in creation, with all the billions of people, God still loves you and considers you precious and honored in His sight (Is. 43:4). Scripture describes that God saw your unformed body before you were born, already knew all the days of your life before it began, and that His thoughts of you outnumber the grains of sand-because He thinks so often about you. (Ps. 139:15-18) Throughout the up’s and down’s of life, it is essential that you base your value of yourself on the value God sees in you. This is the only way you’re value of yourself can remain constant. It cannot be based on people because people come and go in our lives, even if it is by death. Your value cannot be based on your career or other abilities because, one day, you will no longer be able to do those things.

2. Be your own cheerleader. This is a self-help tip that I’ve heard Joel Osteen say many times and it is worth repeating. Every day, get up in the morning and be your own cheerleader. Say good things about yourself to yourself! Speak to yourself about God’s value of you. Throughout the day, remind yourself of your value and your abilities. And, it doesn’t hurt to aim high. It is like the Law of Attraction. You speak those positive things to yourself even if you are not there yet so that you will eventually develop those qualities. Here is a sample list that I compiled from a couple of Joel’s broadcasts. “I have unprecedented favor today. I have new opportunities for my career and personal life. God is in love with me. People like me. I am talented. I am creative. I am strong. I have excellence and determination. Whatever I do prospers and succeeds.” You can add to that list accomplishments which you desire that have not taken place yet, speaking them in present tense. Such as, “I have many loving people in my life. I am free from debt. I’m taking my dream vacation, etc.” As in the Law of Attraction, speaking positively to yourself about things that you desire to accomplish will make you more creative and more aware of opportunities to help you fulfill those goals.

3. Think repeatedly throughout day about those who do love you. Most of us have several people in our lives whom we value and who value us, even though it may be at varying levels of love. Even if you are temporarily in a stage where you think the only person who values you is your pet, think throughout the day about those who do love you or who care about your well-being.

Move forward.

The past is never worth staying in. It is time to move forward. In addition to ways we’ve already mentioned, move forward by taking time in your schedule for people who do love or care about you. Maybe the person who rejected you was a former friend to whom you had invested a great deal of time. Move forward by spending time with those positive relationships that may have been neglected while you were focused on that other person, such as relatives, other friends, or even co-workers. Also move forward by accomplishing a project around the house or online course you have put off doing due to time constraints from the past relationship. Or, do something for yourself you have always wanted to do, such as a certain vacation.

Finally, always encourage yourself with God’s unfailing, unchanging love for you.

People’s love may change, people may move in and out of your life, or they may reject you and never even give themselves the opportunity to get to know you. God, however, will never reject you. He says in John 6:37, “The person who comes to me I will never reject.” In James 4:8, He promises, “Come near to Me and I will come near to you.” In other words, God will be responsive to your desire to know Him and have a close relationship with Him. You can trust Him! His love for you will not fail you! “I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever (Ps. 52:8).”

(1) Click here to read the article on Determining Your Destiny which lists Creflo’s 8 steps to direct the course of your life to your goals and restoration.

Other Related Posts:
Handling the Fear of God’s Rejection

Hope for the Betrayed Heart

Table of contents for Free From Self-Condemnation

1. Why Guilt is Unnecessary
2. 2 Simple Steps to Release Guilt

Reading Level: Leisurely

Ever been in training for a particular job? Or maybe you were the one training the other person. In either case, the whole concept of training is that the person does not already understand all that there is to know about the job. The training is a process to provide further education and increase various skills so that one can competently do the job. Even after one develops a level of skill and competence, rarely is he perfect.

There is nothing wrong with aiming for perfection. In fact, scripture specifically challenges us to do so (2 Cor. 13:11). However, when our failures are creating guilt or self-condemnation and hindering our life’s progress, we can encourage ourselves and release condemnation by reminding ourselves of two simple points.

1. Only God is perfect. “As for God, His way is perfect; the Word of the Lord is flawless (2 Sam. 22:31).” Yes, aim for perfection. It’s necessary for personal growth, wellness, and character. As the old saying goes, if instead you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time! Putting the effort into aiming for perfection is what creates our growth, but we balance our attempts with the fact that only God is perfect.
2. You are in training. Life is the training period for your spirit. Every thought, word, action, interaction and relationships with people, all sculpt your spirit. In this life, you are to “continually train yourself in godliness (1 Tim. 4:7MNT).” Just as an apprentice training for a job, your level of skill and competence in your spirit is in a state of training throughout this life. As He stated in the above quote, God realizes you are in training. You need to admit it to yourself as well and realize that no trainee is perfect. You can still do a great job as a trainee, but take the pressure off of yourself; release the self-condemnation!

If you are aiming for perfection in your spirit, you ARE doing the job well that you need to do!

Table of contents for Free From Self-Condemnation

1. Why Guilt is Unnecessary
2. 2 Simple Steps to Release Guilt

Reading Level: Leisurely

Perfectionist that I am, I tend to be very hard on myself for any situation that I, in retrospect, feel I could have handled better for some reason.

Due to the weariness that comes from extended trying circumstances, everyone has an occasional bad day emotionally when they feel discouraged, hopeless, unable to be strong for other people, lose their temper, etc. We make a difficult situation even harder if we then listen to negatives voices in our spirits which bring self-condemnation for not staying perfectly hopeful and strong every day of the trying circumstance, especially when we know we are doing our best to succeed.

I heard a great word of encouragement the other day from Joel Osteen. He said, “Even Jesus fell down under the weight of His cross. He fell on the way to His victory.” He went on to maintain that you don’t have to be strong 100% of the time to see your victory, so don’t listen to the enemy [the condemning thoughts in your mind] when he says that you lost your victory if you don’t stay in faith every minute or that since you are not perfect then you are not good enough. Though Jesus fell under the “weight” of His trial and someone else had to help Him with His burden [another person ended up carrying Jesus' cross to Golgotha], the victory still came a few days later when the resurrection completed the work of salvation.

Even if you are unfamiliar with the concept of salvation, it is still easy to apply this principle of encouragement to your life.

I haven’t met or heard of anyone, believer or unbeliever, who claims to be a better person than Jesus. If His trying circumstance was too difficult for Him to constantly be in a state of appearing hopeful and strong, still able to help others with their difficulties, than we should release our self-condemnation realizing that it is okay when we have an occasional weak day. As long as you get up again, you are still on your way to victory!

I have never been one for being interested in “TV preachers.” However, I have in the recent months developed a good deal of respect for Joel Osteen, pastor of the US’s largest church, with over 30,000 in attendance. Two things I appreciate. First, his preaching is atypical. Second, he is the only pastor I have ever heard that speaks every message, even ones on hardship, failure, correction, etc. in a positive manner. It is an obvious gifting. Surprisingly, or maybe not, he consistently draws a great deal of criticism for being positive. I heard part of an interview with him once where he spoke of all the criticism he had received for not being like his dad (now deceased), a former pastor and healing evangelist. Joel believes his personal calling in life is to give a message of hope and encouragement to the world; I respect that he chose to go against the grain, to be himself, and follow his bliss.

In a message called, “Don’t Allow Criticism to Steal Your Dream,” the following quote released healing for me.

“Your destiny is not tied to what other people say about you. It does not change what God has put in your heart. Let God take care of those who hurt you. Stay focused on the future. Don’t let hurt become the central focus of your life.”

Though his examples, if I recall, were of people who allowed certain hurts to totally destroy them with bitterness or defeat, I realized how much a recent hurt had become the central focus of my life. It was repeatedly coming to my mind throughout the day. The moment the thought came, I could feel it deplete energy from my body. It was diminishing my ability to focus on my work, not to mention stealing the level of joy at which I usually function. I had to take control of this hurt. Though it was not a typical life-altering crisis–there were some of those last year–it had still become the center focus of my life without my realizing it. I had to re-focus on my destiny. I have always been a dreamer, a visionary. I had to re-focus on the joy that is mine because I am a person of destiny! I know there are divine plans for my life that will not be altered just because others don’t believe in them.

You are alive! You are a person of destiny! If there is a hurt that is staying the central focus of every day, draining the energy and focus from your life, re-focus today on the dreams and visions that you know are yours! Focus on the truth you know in your heart!

(The message referred to above is video #337 at www.joelosteen.com . You can push the scroll bar about half way through to get past the music to the 30 minute sermon.)

I began the other week to change my thought processes with regards to the various challenges that come my way during the day. I had heard a message by Joel Osteen on not allowing criticism to steal your dreams. In it, he mentioned a verse from Is. 61:7 which says, “Instead of your former shame, you will receive a double portion.” In other words, God says His desire is that life for you will be twice as good after the hardship than before. Joel encouraged people to rejoice when facing challenges, implementing via faith a forward, blessed progress for your life. I took this idea and ran with it.

Over the course of the next week, when another person took advantage of a weakness in my personality, I caught myself from feeling the pain and rejoiced that this weakness was brought to my attention; now that I am aware of the weakness, I can overcome it, avoid similar situations in the future, and be a healthier person overall.

Another example is the delay in the construction of this site. Rather than staying frustrated by the lost time caused by the initial software not working as we’d hoped, we chose to rejoice realizing that the delay actually caused us to find the present software, which has proved to have far more beneficial website functions.

I have applied this process to various challenges by immediately focusing on how I can be better off since this “problem” was brought to my attention. Choosing this new perspective has freed my mind, body, and spirit from needless stress. The less stress in the body, mind, and spirit, the more the body is free to heal itself of various ailments. I made the following statement about this new process of mine and it was a great encouragement to my spouse so I thought I’d end with it. “The greater victory is not freedom from problems. The greater victory is when I overcome the problems!”