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Tags: boundaries, boundary violations, compliant personality, emotional baggage, family, love, relationships

Heritage: Character Gained and Given

October 18th, 2009

Reading Level: Gratifying

The course of people’s lives are forever changed by both the heritage we receive and impart.

The focus of the past several weeks has been split between normal life responsibilities and the planning of a reception for my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. This week was particularly full with the finalization of all the food, decorations, and communications. The event was a great success in many ways. There were the initial, typical visible ways, such as the food and decorations which everyone enjoyed. However, the aspect of lasting impression from the event on my brother, spouse, and myself were the responses of people, expressing their love for the impact my parents had on their lives.

Some people, though elderly and feeble, traveled long distances to be there. Others were involved in leadership of major community events, yet slipped away for a little while because they, too, did not feel it was an option to miss the opportunity to say, “Thank You,” and honor my parents for the way their lives have been forever changed by knowing them. My parents have expended the energy of their lives befriending, comforting, encouraging and carrying others through the good and bad events of life and it showed through people’s amazing responses.

The event was a rare opportunity to catch a glimpse into the heritage we have received and the lasting cords of positive impact that have been woven into the communities in which my parents have lived.

The first person to arrive was an elderly widow. She had hand written and framed a letter expressing her love to my parents for the kindness shown to her and her late husband. My dad had visited him repeatedly at their home while the man was dying of cancer. The lady has ceaselessly recalled my dad singing to her husband to bring him comfort in those final days. Another person had a letter enclosed in a gift, expressing how my parents had laughed and cried with them during the ups and downs of her life. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: blessing, character, compassion, love, relationships, respect

Improve Love

October 7th, 2009

Reading Level: Leisurely

Everyone wants to love and be loved; making some small changes can greatly improve your relationships and the quality of your love.

Richard Carlson, PhD, has perfected the art of quick, practical tips to improve your life with his “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” series of books. His books have been bestsellers for years. He and his wife co-wrote “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love.” I would recommend this book to anyone, even if you are single, as it will do wonders for your interpersonal relationships. See the ISBN in the footnotes to read his full book.

Here are a few easy-to-understand, easy to implement phrased points from Dr. Carlson’s book for improving the quality of your love:

1. Don’t Do the Same Things and Expect Different Results: That’s an old saying we are all familiar with but it is the same in love relationships. If you know you react negatively in certain situations — overreacting, lashing out, knee-jerk reactions — and then suffer disappointing and negative responses in return, you have to choose to use new responses that will bring healthy results.

2. Avoid Correcting Each Other: This point is not referring to an isolated incident but the habit of publicly correcting the person you love when it is absolutely unnecessary. It is disrespectful and damaging to the relationship. Are not the feelings of the person you love more important than technicalities? Most all people resent being corrected. Unless it is of extreme importance, keep the correction to yourself. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: love, personal growth, positive thinking, relationships, restoration, Richard Carlson

Motivation Check

March 11th, 2009

Reading Level: Gratifying

Checking the often un-noticed motivations for one’s decisions and actions can reveal the source of either success or failure.

I recently re-read an example on the source of motivations from Cloud and Townsend’s “Boundaries.” It refers to a man who was burned out physically and emotionally and came to see them for help. The man’s explanation for the source of his problem was “loving people too much.” The authors’ response to him was that it could not be love, as love would not cause him to end up in the negative situation he was in. It was discovered that the source of the problem was his un-noticed motivations.

Here is a list from “Boundaries” of types of unhealthy personal motivations for decisions and actions of which we are often unaware. I’ll provide a definition of each motivation.

Fear of a Loss of Love: If, during childhood, a person frequently experienced a withdrawal of love by a parent whenever that parent was displeased with him or her, it creates an emotional pattern or habit in adulthood to base decisions and actions of the fear of a losing people’s love. One acts or decides out of compulsion, not because it is an action or decision that is in his own best interest; he is compelled to do whatever the other person wants due to fear that, if the person is displeased or disappointed, they will no longer love him.

Fear of Others’ Anger: Because of past boundary violations which caused emotional hurts (people mistreating a person as a way to manipulate his or her behavior), a person can feel instant fear when another person shows anger, or when he is in a situation which he believes will cause the other person’s anger; as a result, he immediately decides a course of action to appease the person and avoid their anger, rather than doing what is best for him personally.

Fear of Loneliness: This is similar to a loss of love. A person with this motivation will give in to other people’s unreasonable or unhealthy demands because he is trying to win the other person’s approval; he fears that the other person will end the relationship and he will be alone if he does not continually give in to win their approval. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: boundaries, boundary violations, compliant personality, destiny, emotional healing, emotional health, emotional pain, family, goals, guilt, love, relationships

Intimate Comfort from Father God

February 3rd, 2009

Reading Level: Leisurely

I was reminded today of a quote that clearly describes the Fatherly comfort God desires to bring us.

Visualize the level of comfort that a fearful child receives from being held in the arms of a loving father. Visualize the comfort a grieving person receives in the arms of a loving friend or spouse. Now visualize the comfort that a newborn baby receives when placed in the arms of its mother so that he can hear her heartbeat and know that safety and loving nurturing is still there.

This is the same visual picture God gives of Himself in His relationship with us.

Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him. The one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders. (Deut.33:12)

Where is your source of comfort and what is its depth?

God desires that we receive whatever comfort possible from our human relationships, but whether that is available to you or not, nothing can compare to the comfort you can receive from resting in the arms of your loving Father God, resting between His shoulders-a level of closeness in which you can “hear His heartbeat” Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: comfort, compassion, emotional health, encouragement, Father God, God's love, love, meditation, peace, personal growth, spiritual health

How to Love

August 28th, 2008

Reading Level: Leisurely
Most Everyone Enjoys Hearing Some Practical Ways to Make Your Relationship More Loving.

Quick, practical tips on how to love effectively is something we all appreciate. And when it comes to writing styles, Richard Carlson, PhD, has perfected the art of quick, practical tips to improve your life with his “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” series of books. His books have been bestsellers for years now. Any in that series are well worth reading. They are small, easy-reading books. He and his wife co-wrote “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love.” I’m putting some excerpts from the book below and the ISBN info at the end of this post. If you want some info on his other book, click on Richard Carlson in the Tag Cloud in the left column.

Here are 4 great tips on How to Love Effectively:

Wake Up and Think About 3 Things You Love About Him/Her - I’ve found that it’s nearly impossible to get too uptight or to sweat the small stuff with your partner when you have recently reminded yourself about why you love [him/her] so much. [The author describes seeing an irritating habit by his spouse on the way out the door in the morning.] What would have been my reaction to the unlocked door had I awakened and failed to think about such positive things? Or worse yet, what would have happened had I awakened and immediately began to fill my mind with my many responsibilities, to the point of putting myself in a stressful mind-set?…I would have become upset and irritated.

Make the Fresh Start Commitment – It doesn’t matter whether you’ve just met or whether you’ve Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: love, personal growth, positive thinking, relationships, restoration, Richard Carlson

Love Is…

August 27th, 2008

Reading Level: Gratifying

Everyone has lived through believing they were experiencing real love only to discover, in spite of all the feelings, that it was not genuine love at all.

Too often we base the all-important decision of choosing the relationship closest to us on something so completely deceptive as our emotions, or even more foolish, solely on appearance. We then put time, effort, and our very souls into building the desired lasting relationship when there is not a real foundation for it to be built upon. The relationship is like a sandcastle at high tide, doomed to disintegrate.

Fortunately, we can gain wisdom and discernment that will enable us to find and commit to genuine love.

Dr. Dorothy Neddermeyer, Phd, a professional therapist and counselor, has posted a fantastic article called, “Love is Not a Feeling.” In this article, she explains what is happening when we experience euphoric feelings for another individual, why these feelings are not proof of genuine love, how to give genuine love and how to recognize whether the other person has genuine love toward you, being committed to your emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being.

Here are some portions from Dr. Dorothy’s article, “Love is Not a Feeling.” It is one of the most effective discussions on this topic that I’ve seen. Be sure to follow the link to the full article at the bottom of the post.

Love is Not a Feeling. What? You exclaim, of course, love is a feeling. I feel it in my chest, stomach and my body tingles sometimes. Yes, those are the physiological manifestations when one has the sensation of ‘falling in love.’ Falling in love and love are two different phenomena. Falling in love can be either a flash of emotions-the giddiness or euphoric feelings-or a first step towards genuine love. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: Dr. Dorothy Neddermeyer, emotional health, love, personal growth, relationships, success

Posted in Personal Reflections | 1 Comment »

Healing Broken Hearts

August 14th, 2008

Reading Level: Leisurely

Time spent with God creates in you the healing qualities that exist in God Himself.

In my last post, I used a quote contrasting human love and Divine love, showing the differing effects on our relationships. The more time one spends seeking God, the more His character becomes evident in your relationships with others, just the same as spending time in the presence of evil people adversely affects your character. With life’s busyness, it is easy to miss otherwise clear opportunities to bring healing to people’s broken hearts via the aspects of God’s nature that He has poured into us through our time spent with Him. I wanted to share with you a personal experience for the purpose of encouraging you to be aware of those opportunities.

During a particular year, there was a great deal of additional stress due to my parents having been in a severe auto accident. A couple of weeks into that accident, while they were still hospitalized, God spoke this verse to me while in prayer one morning, “You will be called, ‘Repairer of Broken Walls.’ (Is.58:12)” I didn’t even remember where the quote was located at the time. It was only vaguely familiar, so I looked it up in a software search so I could meditate on the meaning. I didn’t even have much time to meditate as we were about to leave again for the hospital. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: compassion, emotional healing, God's love, Law of Attraction, love, personal growth, relationships, spirituality, wholeness

Human Love Contrasted with Divine Love

August 12th, 2008

Reading Level: Leisurely

Sometimes our lack of satisfaction with the love we are giving and receiving results from operating solely in the human level instead of the Divine.

I want to share with you a quote I had kept that aptly describes how operating solely in human love instead of Divine love affects the quality of our relationships. The quote is from the late Kenneth Hagin. It is in his book, Faith Food.

Natural love is selfish. Divine love is giving, unselfish. Natural love can turn to hatred when it doesn’t get its way. Divine love, when it is reviled [treated hatefully], reviles not again. God’s divine love is not interested in what it can get but in what it can give. After our new spiritual birth, it is natural for divine love to flow through us and dominate how we live our lives.

As husbands and wives, God’s divine love must dominate us, not natural love, for it is too shallow. Not only can we love our spouse with natural affection, but with divine love that seeks other’s welfare, and never seeks its own. Reciprocate in always putting each other first and outdoing one another in love.

Love is patient and kind; sometimes we endure a situation but we are not kind about it. It is the flesh that is haughty, rude, boastful, arrogant, conceited or unmannerly.

When temptation comes [to respond in a natural love that turns to hatred when you don't get what you want], speak this confession: I am born of the love of God. I will allow the love of God within me to dominate this situation. God loves those who are undeserving and unlovely. Because of the nature of God in me, I now love those who are undeserving and unlovely and do not respond out of my natural affinities [natural likes and dislikes]. Faith Food, February 13th post.

For a related article with a description of God’s type of love, read my post “Recognizing Real Love.”

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Tags: God's love, kenneth hagin, love, personal growth, relationships

A Collection of Your Questions Answered

June 18th, 2008

There were several questions submitted by readers which have helpful replies and discussion already made available in previous posts. Today we’re going to go through 7 Reader Submitted Questions and give you the links to the articles provided to help bring healing to those emotional or spiritual life issues.

How to Forgive Yourself
Healing by Forgiving Yourself
Hold on to Forgiveness Instead of Failure
How to Deal with Emotional Pain from Betrayal
Hope for the Betrayed Heart
Not Allowing Hurt to Stay Central Focus
Recognizing Love or When a Person Truly Loves You
Recognizing Real Love Part 1
Recognizing Real Love Part 2
Defining Harmful Behavior
A Love that Isn’t Earned
Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: betrayal, controlling thoughts, fear, forgiveness, goals, guilt, love, relationships

How to Show Love to Those in Crisis

June 17th, 2008

Reading Level: Gratifying

This is the fifth article in our series in answer to Readers’ Questions.

First, since God is the source of love, focus on demonstrating His characteristics to those in crisis.

For some of us this will be easier than others, depending on your knowledge of God’s character. If you grew up in a religious culture of misinformation that portrayed God as unforgiving, unkind, basically inhumane, you may not have as much knowledge in that area to draw from. You may want to read through or listen to some of my previous posts on that topic, such as, “Healing by an Understanding of God’s Love” and “A Love that Isn’t Earned.” God describes Himself as compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, having mercy (undeserved favor) that is everlasting, forgiving, patient, comforting, encouraging, protective; this is just a partial list. These characteristics of God are all traits that each of us need in our lives. We were created with the need to receive these emotional, spiritual, relational exchanges with God. In the same way, we were also created with the need to share or live out these character traits with each other. Usually, life is so busy that pouring these traits of God into each other’s lives gets set aside. It is worth mentioning that most all of us need to restructure our lives so as to have the time to consistently invest in this valuable and necessary exchange with each other, but we most certainly must focus on expressing God’s loving aspects with those who are in crisis. If you are already in the habit of living this way, it will be easier, but if your life has been too busy and you’ve neglected fine tuning these traits, God will still help you and honor your efforts to bless the person in crisis by living out His loving characteristics to them in their time of need. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: compassion, crisis, emotional healing, emotional pain, love, personal growth, relationships, restoration, wellness, wholeness

Does Love Have to be Earned?

June 10th, 2008

Reading Level: Impassioned

In continuation of our series, this is another reader provided question. I wasn’t sure if the person was asking about God’s love or human love, so I thought we’d cover both aspects.

First, let’s focus on a general principle of love. Love, whether given freely or earned, can be damaged or destroyed depending on our responses to it.

Someone can choose to love you completely unearned or unmerited, such as with new emotional love, which is based on the person they hope you to be, since they haven’t been acquainted with you long enough to actually know what you are like so as to commit to the relationship rationally. If your actions are unloving, selfish, and/or inconsiderate, obviously that will damage that relationship and eventually destroy the unmerited love as you demonstrate more and more that you are unworthy of it. Emotionally or physically harmful behavior will destroy it even more quickly.

Love that is earned in human relationship is actually, per say, more stable.

It may begin as emotional love or acquaintance or friendship and develop into a stable, lasting love as your attitudes and behavior show over time that you can be trusted to be a loving person through the variety of life’s circumstances. This is what I term rational love, a love in which the person has a sound basis of long-term experience with you which has developed a high level of trust. This trust based on experience then provides Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: failure, forgiveness, God's love, love, personal growth, relationships, trust, withdrawal of love

Defining Harmful Behavior

June 6th, 2008

Reading Level: Leisurely

A reader asked, “Define harmful behavior.” There are many ways one can define or recognize the harmful behavior of others in your life, or even behavior of your own that is harmful to others or yourself, but the easiest way is to evaluate the results.

God says that real love does not do harm to another person, so living according to real love causes a person to completely obey all the laws of God due to living a loving lifestyle (Rom. 10:13). Thus, a person who truly loves you will not consistently live a lifestyle that brings harmful results in your life. Granted, we all lose our tempers at time and say or do things that later we have to apologize for, but the key difference is whether or not a person brings more harm than good.

Let’s take a look at how to evaluate behavior by the results. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: bitterness, boundaries, boundary violations, emotional baggage, emotional pain, fear, love, personal growth, relationships, resentment, self worth

A Love That Isn’t Earned

April 3rd, 2008

Reading Level: Leisurely

The most basic desire of every heart is to be loved solely for your intrinsic value. Though it may be difficult to consistently find people who will fill this void, God’s love can fill that need for true, consistent love on a permanent basis.

People’s attitudes, actions, emotions, and commitment levels toward us vary greatly depending upon physical attributes, personal perspectives, illness, stress, hormone fluctuations, and on and on the list goes. It takes a person who is fairly self-disciplined and firmly committed to the relationship with us to demonstrate consistently positive responses in spite of outer stimuli or inner health variations. If one does not have such a person, or a good number of this type of people, in his or her inner circle, it creates the feeling of a great void in the need for love, often affecting one’s self-worth, peace, joy, and even job effectiveness. However, God’s love for us is based solely on our intrinsic value; in other words, because we are, we are of infinite value to Him. We do not need to feel pressure to earn His love, favor, kindness, or help. This realization can bring great relief from the guilt and lack of closeness that many people carry in their relationship with God Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: emotional health, Father God, God's love, guilt, joy, Kenneth Copeland, love, peace, rejection, relationships, self worth

Recognizing Real Love Part 2

March 4th, 2008

Table of contents for Recognizing Real Love

Recognizing Real Love Part 1 of 2
Recognizing Real Love Part 2

Reading Level: Impassioned

Please read Recognizing Real Love Part 1 before continuing this post. It contains all the foundational points for the illustration I will be covering below.

It is not God’s desire for any person to come to the end of his/her life having never experienced truly loving relationships on a consistent basis. However, many times religious beliefs or a compliant personality cause many people to endure long-term, emotionally unhealthy relationships because they suffer from an unrealistic guilt about getting help and/or getting away from the abusive relationship.

The abuser frequently tells the submissive person that he/she loves them, but then lives a lifetime of behavior that causes emotional and even physical harm to the other person. For a compliant personality type, the extreme contradiction in words and behavior is not enough to compel them to get help or make a change to bring the necessary healing to their lives.

Again, let me emphasize, infrequent, low-level hurtful behavior does take place in healthy relationships. However, allowing another person to treat you with consistent, immensely hurtful behavior will have lasting effects, deepening harm to one’s emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being the longer it is allowed to continue. If you are having difficulty in dealing with such a relationship in ways that will bring definite healing to your life, finding a reputable counselor is must. As the boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable behavior are not always clearly defined in our minds, we utilized a detailed definition of real love in Part One. A good starting place for distinguishing between acceptable and unacceptable behavior, between healthy and destructive relationships in your life, is using Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

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Tags: boundaries, boundary violations, compliant personality, emotional healing, emotional health, emotional pain, family, God's love, guilt, love, physical health, relationships, spiritual health