Richard Carlson, PhD, has perfected the art of quick, practical tips to improve your life with his “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” series of books. His books have been bestsellers for years. He and his wife co-wrote “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love.” I would recommend this book to anyone, even if you are single, as it will do wonders for your interpersonal relationships. See the ISBN in the footnotes to read his full book.

Here are a few easy-to-understand, easy to implement phrased points from Dr. Carlson’s book for improving the quality of your love:

1. Don’t Do the Same Things and Expect Different Results: That’s an old saying we are all familiar with but it is the same in love relationships. If you know you react negatively in certain situations — overreacting, lashing out, knee-jerk reactions — and then suffer disappointing and negative responses in return, you have to choose to use new responses that will bring healthy results.

2. Avoid Correcting Each Other: This point is not referring to an isolated incident but the habit of publicly correcting the person you love when it is absolutely unnecessary. It is disrespectful and damaging to the relationship. Are not the feelings of the person you love more important than technicalities? Most all people resent being corrected. Unless it is of extreme importance, keep the correction to yourself.

3. Stop Rehearsing Unhappiness: This tip has the power to improve your relationships almost instantly! “Rehearsing unhappiness” is when a thought comes to mind of a past argument and you start replaying it in your mind; before long, all those feelings swarm back. You can also “rehearse unhappiness” by allowing your thoughts to multiply while dwelling on a suspicion or weaknesses in your relationship. It happens so fast that one usually does not realize it is happening. The self-created frustration then gets taken out on your partner. The solution is simple – catch yourself and drop those thoughts.

4. Be Consistently Grateful: Dr. Carlson says that few things nourish a relationship like gratitude and few things doom it like the lack of it. Gratitude keeps your heart receptive to the gifts of life, keeps you feeling satisfied, keeps problems in perspective, and immunizes you from your partner’s little quirks. Develop your attitude of gratitude by taking your focus off what is wrong and replacing it with a focus on what is right.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love , Richard Carlson PhD ISBN#0-7868-8420-7
Points 1-4 were paraphrased from:
1. p. 156
2. pp. 129-131
3. pp. 121-122
4. pp. 146-147

Visualize the level of comfort that a fearful child receives from being held in the arms of a loving father. Visualize the comfort a grieving person receives in the arms of a loving friend or spouse. Now visualize the comfort that a newborn baby receives when placed in the arms of its mother so that he can hear her heartbeat and know that safety and loving nurturing is still there.

This is the same visual picture God gives of Himself in His relationship with us.

Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him. The one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders. (Deut.33:12)

Where is your source of comfort and what is its depth?

God desires that we receive whatever comfort possible from our human relationships, but whether that is available to you or not, nothing can compare to the comfort you can receive from resting in the arms of your loving Father God, resting between His shoulders — a level of closeness in which you can “hear His heartbeat” and know that all His nurturing love and safety is there for you. God does bless our lives with His love through other people, but He also provides a level of comfort that does not exist anywhere else other than by taking time alone with Him in undisturbed meditation, allowing His Spirit to communicate to your mind and spirit His thoughts of love, wisdom, encouragement, comfort, and inspiration. Remember, you can hear His voice. Jesus said, “My sheep know my voice.” He would not have said that if God did not speak. Also, He said that God’s Spirit would reveal or disclose to you things of God, things only God knows (Jn. 16:13,14; 1 Cor. 2:9.10)

Comfort and/or peace are a rarity in these days in which we live, yet something most people are desperately longing for. Slow down, listen, take time to hear God’s heartbeat and allow Him to speak comfort to you!

A few years back, the focus of several weeks of my life was split between normal life responsibilities and the planning of a reception for my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. The final week was particularly full with the finalization of all the food, decorations, and communications. The event was a great success in many ways. There were the initial, typical visible ways, such as the food and decorations which everyone enjoyed. However, the aspect of lasting impression from the event on my brother, spouse, and myself were the responses of people, expressing their love for the impact my parents had on their lives.

Some people, though elderly and feeble, traveled long distances to be there. Others were involved in leadership of major community events, yet slipped away for a little while because they, too, did not feel it was an option to miss the opportunity to say, “Thank You,” and honor my parents for the way their lives have been forever changed by knowing them. My parents have expended the energy of their lives befriending, comforting, encouraging and carrying others through the good and bad events of life and it showed through people’s amazing responses.

This event is a good example for us of the importance of being aware of the people in our lives who pour into us a lasting, positive impact .  It is a heritage that changes us and then allows us to impart that change to others.

Our lives are changed forever by the small kindnesses that a few, key people stop to impart to our lives.  Similarly, it is often the small kindnesses we choose to do, the type that can so easily be missed opportunities, which change the lives of others. 

-The first person to arrive was an elderly widow. She had hand written and framed a letter expressing her love to my parents for the kindness shown to her and her late husband. My dad had visited him repeatedly at their home while the man was dying of cancer. The lady has ceaselessly recalled my dad singing to her husband to bring him comfort in those final days.

-Another person had a letter enclosed in a gift, expressing how my parents had laughed and cried with them during the ups and downs of her life.

-One man traveled from leadership responsibilities at a regional event in a neighboring town just to be with us for a few moments because he did not want to miss the opportunity to express his love for my parents; he told them how his life was a complete wreck before he met them, but now it has been restored.

Person after person expressed thoughts of incredibly deep love and the experiences which developed it. Each one was the type of expression rarely voiced to another person while he or she is still alive; many times, such thoughts are only articulated at one’s eulogy. My parents were blessed to hear first hand the lasting impression they have made on people’s lives, changing the course of those lives and of history by the love and character they have shown.

A priceless heritage gained is one that must also be given.

Encarta English Dictionary defines “heritage” as character acquired by being born into a particular family; a way of life passed from one generation to the next. My parents have left indelible impressions upon people who now live around the world. Their “persons” are forever changed by the life interaction they had with my parents —  the love, concern, support, etc.  It is no wonder that my brother and myself were naturally drawn into careers which focus on meeting the needs of people, lifting them up, supporting and encouraging them, working to make their lives better in lasting ways. The heritage of loving lives from family member is a gift.  For many other people, it is not family members who imparted a lasting heritage, but a teacher, school counselor, pastor, mentor, or friend of the family.  In either case, we are responsible to impart the heritage we’ve gained from the character of others into the lives of those with whom we come in contact. 

The lack of a memorable heritage does not keep you from beginning one.

If you have not had such a heritage poured into you, do not feel that you have nothing to impart. A heritage that changes the masses has to begin somewhere. Be the person who begins a heritage of character, who begins a way of life that is passed on to those around you by forever making their lives better.

Today we’re going to go through 7 Reader Submitted Questions and give you the links to the articles provided to  bring healing to those life issues.

1. How to Forgive Yourself
   Healing by Forgiving Yourself
   Hold on to Forgiveness Instead of Failure
   
2. How to Deal with Emotional Pain from Betrayal
   Hope for the Betrayed Heart
   Not Allowing Hurt to Stay Central Focus
   
3. Recognizing Love or When a Person Truly Loves You
   Recognizing Real Love Part 1
   Recognizing Real Love Part 2
   Defining Harmful Behavior
   A Love that Isn’t Earned
   
4. How to Follow Through on Goals
   Break Out of the Rut
   Make Room for Restoration
   
5. How to Overcoming Fear and Negative Thoughts
   Practical Ideas for Overcoming Fear
   Relinquishing Fear Video
   Take Charge of Your Thoughts, Take Charge of Your Life
   Better Thoughts for a Better Life
   Making Real Change to Thought, Feelings, or Behavior
   The Necessity of Strength and Courage
   Enforcing Hope in Your Thought Life
   
6. How to Deal with Emotionally Destructive Relationships
   Healing through Overcoming Family Past
   Defining Harmful Behavior
   Responding to Abusive Relationships
   
7. How do You Release Guilt
   Forgetting What God Forgets
   Why Guilt is Unnecessary
   2 Simple Steps to Releasing Guilt
   Healing by Forgiving Yourself Video

Please note that since these are past posts, the Listen Now feature that appears for you to listen on your laptop/desktop or download these archived articles to your iPod or MP3 will not be available as the company only offers it for 1 month after posting.

Today I am going to share with you excerpts from an article by mental health therapist, Jennifer Jones.  Jennifer is a fantastic writer and has a couple of extremely popular relationship sites on the web with practical, beneficial insight.  I encourage you to use the link below to read her full post.

Excerpts from Ten Simple Ways to Fall in Love Again by Jennifer Jones 

1. Enjoy memories together. When we reflect on good, happy memories we recreate the emotions and feelings in our body/mind that went along with the experience…

2. Plan for the future and share your dreams. Having something to look forward to is one of the keys to living a happy life…

3. Live in the present. Don’t let even one minute of joy, laughter, or pleasure be taken for granted…Look for those moments of quiet peace, or vibrant joy, or wild excitement…

4. Demonstrate appreciation. Do everything you can to make sure your beloved knows that you adore and cherish him or her…

5. Look for the good in your partner. Remember when you first met? You saw nothing wrong with your significant other…Of course in time…that impression may fade just a tad so consciously find for the great qualities…

6. Engage in new activities. Humans tend to thrive on new experiences… we often get into ruts…put some vibrancy into the relationship is to get out and do something new.

7. Have lots of fun. It is so much to laugh together. I’m thinking it is nearly impossible to not love those who make us laugh…

8. Work on projects together. …When a couple is working in unison to bring forth something beneficial to their family, their neighborhood, their community, the world, or even animals, they can create a bond that is incredibly powerful…

9. Remember what is truly important in life. Think about what is important in the long term, not what will give you a moment of pleasure…Remind yourself of your core personal values or morals…

10. Give attention and support your beloved. It sounds strange but we know that the more we give, care, or serve another the more we love them…

Please Click Here to Read Jennifer’s Full Article.

Do you appear to choose compatible dating and marriage relationships only to see them fall apart? Some basic points can ensure your compatibility in your long-term relationships.

I came across a link to a video feed (audio only also) of Bill’s Hybel’s talk on “5 Key Compatiblities to look for to guide you through the tricky process of finding a lifetime partner.” I’ve already shared it with a friend and he benefited immensely. Bill covers such incredibly practical yet easy-to-follow principles for determining your compatibility in a relationship that I wanted to share the basic points and link with you, our readership.

This is a brief summary of the 5 Key Compatibilities but I encourage you to watch/listen to the full talk (link below). You will not be disappointed!

1. Spiritual Intensity and Purpose – Do you seek after God with a similar level of passion? Are your spiritual life — purposes similar? Faith permeates a person’s being and has massive implications in their inner world, changes how they think, behave, love, how they spend spare time, etc. It is a person’s core identity and defines them.

2. Character – You must match equally with your commitment to the same level of character or you set yourself up to face a lifetime of trust-shattering incidents.

3. Emotional Health – There is a long complicated story to each person’s past which must be uncovered thoroughly before you can have any idea of who the other person is. Have each of your you’re your past pains been processed enough to be able to make forward progress in a relationship? If not, it is not the time to feel sorry for someone and try to rescue them.

4. Communication Ability – The extent to which two people can engage each other in truthful, gracious communication is the single greatest determiner of the health and sustainability of a relationship. Pay attention to each of your abilities to resolve arguments and differences. Are you both able to handle intense arguments properly?

5. Mutual Physical Attraction – Though dismissed as unnecessary in some fields of thought, it is an important element of a lifetime relationship. There should be a physical spark that flows through you when the other person enters the room, though this is not the most important element.

Bill Hybels is running a series called, “The 2010 Family.” This talk is the January 9/10 session in the media player list. Click here to go now.

Check back for an upcoming talk by one of our favorite relationship psychologists, often quoted on this site, Dr. Henry Cloud.

On February 6/7, Bill Hybers is having Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, as a guest speaker in “The 2010 Family” series. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” “Safe People” and will tackle your toughest questions on relationships with those you love. Use the above link to go back to the site around February 9th or so to hear the session by Dr. Cloud.

The course of people’s lives are forever changed by both the heritage we receive and impart.

The focus of the past several weeks has been split between normal life responsibilities and the planning of a reception for my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. This week was particularly full with the finalization of all the food, decorations, and communications. The event was a great success in many ways. There were the initial, typical visible ways, such as the food and decorations which everyone enjoyed. However, the aspect of lasting impression from the event on my brother, spouse, and myself were the responses of people, expressing their love for the impact my parents had on their lives.

Some people, though elderly and feeble, traveled long distances to be there. Others were involved in leadership of major community events, yet slipped away for a little while because they, too, did not feel it was an option to miss the opportunity to say, “Thank You,” and honor my parents for the way their lives have been forever changed by knowing them. My parents have expended the energy of their lives befriending, comforting, encouraging and carrying others through the good and bad events of life and it showed through people’s amazing responses.

The event was a rare opportunity to catch a glimpse into the heritage we have received and the lasting cords of positive impact that have been woven into the communities in which my parents have lived.

The first person to arrive was an elderly widow. She had hand written and framed a letter expressing her love to my parents for the kindness shown to her and her late husband. My dad had visited him repeatedly at their home while the man was dying of cancer. The lady has ceaselessly recalled my dad singing to her husband to bring him comfort in those final days. Another person had a letter enclosed in a gift, expressing how my parents had laughed and cried with them during the ups and downs of her life. One man traveled from leadership responsibilities at a regional event in a neighboring town just to be with us for a few moments because he did not want to miss the opportunity to express his love for my parents; he told them how his life was a complete wreck before he met them, but now it has been restored. Person after person expressed thoughts of incredibly deep love and the experiences which developed it. Each one was the type of expression rarely voiced to another person while he or she is still alive; many times, such thoughts are only articulated at one’s eulogy. My parents were blessed to hear first hand the lasting impression they have made on people’s lives, changing the course of those lives and of history by the love and character they have shown.

A priceless heritage gained is one that must also be given.

Encarta English Dictionary defines “heritage” as character acquired by being born into a particular family; a way of life passed from one generation to the next. This definition aptly expresses what my sibling and I felt after yesterday’s event. My parents have left indelible impressions upon people who now live around the world. Their persons are forever changed by the life interaction they had with my parents — , the love, concern, support, etc. It is no wonder that my brother and myself were naturally drawn into careers which focus on meeting the needs of people, lifting them up, supporting and encouraging them, working to make their lives better in lasting ways. The heritage of loving lives from my parents is one that we have been gifted with and are responsible to impart into the lives of those with whom we come in contact.

The lack of a memorable heritage does not keep you from beginning one.

If you have not had such a heritage poured into you, do not feel that you have nothing to impart. A heritage that changes the masses has to begin somewhere. Be the person who begins a heritage of character in your family line, who begins a way of life that is passed on to those around you by forever making their lives better.

Everyone wants to love and be loved; making some small changes can greatly improve your relationships and the quality of your love.

Richard Carlson, PhD, has perfected the art of quick, practical tips to improve your life with his “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” series of books. His books have been bestsellers for years. He and his wife co-wrote “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love.” I would recommend this book to anyone, even if you are single, as it will do wonders for your interpersonal relationships. See the ISBN in the footnotes to read his full book.

Here are a few easy-to-understand, easy to implement phrased points from Dr. Carlson’s book for improving the quality of your love:

1. Don’t Do the Same Things and Expect Different Results: That’s an old saying we are all familiar with but it is the same in love relationships. If you know you react negatively in certain situations — overreacting, lashing out, knee-jerk reactions — and then suffer disappointing and negative responses in return, you have to choose to use new responses that will bring healthy results.

2. Avoid Correcting Each Other: This point is not referring to an isolated incident but the habit of publicly correcting the person you love when it is absolutely unnecessary. It is disrespectful and damaging to the relationship. Are not the feelings of the person you love more important than technicalities? Most all people resent being corrected. Unless it is of extreme importance, keep the correction to yourself.

3. Stop Rehearsing Unhappiness: This tip has the power to improve your relationships almost instantly! “Rehearsing unhappiness” is when a thought comes to mind of a past argument and you start replaying it in your mind; before long, all those feelings swarm back. You can also “rehearse unhappiness” by allowing your thoughts to multiply while dwelling on a suspicion or weaknesses in your relationship. It happens so fast that one usually does not realize it is happening. The self-created frustration then gets taken out on your partner. The solution is simple – catch yourself and drop those thoughts.

4. Be Consistently Grateful: Dr. Carlson says that few things nourish a relationship like gratitude and few things doom it like the lack of it. Gratitude keeps your heart receptive to the gifts of life, keeps you feeling satisfied, keeps problems in perspective, and immunizes you from your partner’s little quirks. Develop your attitude of gratitude by taking your focus off what is wrong and replacing it with a focus on what is right.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love , Richard Carlson PhD ISBN#0-7868-8420-7
Points 1-4 were paraphrased from:
1. p. 156
2. pp. 129-131
3. pp. 121-122
4. pp. 146-147

Checking the often un-noticed motivations for one’s decisions and actions can reveal the source of either success or failure.

I recently re-read an example on the source of motivations from Cloud and Townsend’s “Boundaries.” It refers to a man who was burned out physically and emotionally and came to see them for help. The man’s explanation for the source of his problem was “loving people too much.” The authors’ response to him was that it could not be love, as love would not cause him to end up in the negative situation he was in. It was discovered that the source of the problem was his un-noticed motivations.

Here is a list from “Boundaries” of types of unhealthy personal motivations for decisions and actions of which we are often unaware. I’ll provide a definition of each motivation.

Fear of a Loss of Love: If, during childhood, a person frequently experienced a withdrawal of love by a parent whenever that parent was displeased with him or her, it creates an emotional pattern or habit in adulthood to base decisions and actions of the fear of a losing people’s love. One acts or decides out of compulsion, not because it is an action or decision that is in his own best interest; he is compelled to do whatever the other person wants due to fear that, if the person is displeased or disappointed, they will no longer love him.

Fear of Others’ Anger: Because of past boundary violations which caused emotional hurts (people mistreating a person as a way to manipulate his or her behavior), a person can feel instant fear when another person shows anger, or when he is in a situation which he believes will cause the other person’s anger; as a result, he immediately decides a course of action to appease the person and avoid their anger, rather than doing what is best for him personally.

Fear of Loneliness: This is similar to a loss of love. A person with this motivation will give in to other people’s unreasonable or unhealthy demands because he is trying to win the other person’s approval; he fears that the other person will end the relationship and he will be alone if he does not continually give in to win their approval.

Guilt: A person’s decisions and actions can be motivated by guilt from the past. Rather than confessing the past to God and being free of the guilt, and admitting to himself that God will no longer hold the past against him, he makes decisions to compensate for past failures; instead, his past needs to be submitted to God for forgiveness and then left in the past. God counsels us in Phil.3:13 to “Forget what is behind and strain toward what is ahead.”

On the other hand, a person with an unhealthy guilt motivation can–instead of acting on past guilt–be easily manipulated into choices by other people who purposely attempt to make him feel guilty. The other person expresses their extreme displeasure at the possibility of him refusing their demand and adds to their complaint an explanation of how his refusing their demand will “harm” them. In reality, refusing to give in to the other person will not harm them, but the controller is skilled enough in their conversation to convince this person that it will do so and makes him give in because he is overcome by feelings of guilt that the choice he truly desires would “harm” them.

Fear of Losing the “Good Me”: God is love; being created in the image of God and being a reflection of the divine nature, each person has the need to exist in loving relationships. Sometimes a person is motivated by a misunderstanding that to be loving means he must always say, Yes” to others. This perspective causes his emotions to “lie” to him and believe that he is unloving when he says, “No.” He feels emotional pain as if he were not being the loving person he was created to be, losing the “Good Me.” Instead of being motivated by fear, to make healthy, wise decisions, a person must feel free to express and act on the concept that “I love you, but I do not want to do that.”

Payback: This person has people in his life who manipulate him into decisions by insisting that he has it better in life than they do and implying that he does not deserve to have a better life than them. Or, it could be a parent who insists that all they have done for him, the time and money invested into him, is a reason for him to give in to their demands. They insist that he “owes it to them” to give in to their demands, as opposed to the past help being given out of love with no strings attached. The person with this unhealthy motivation feels sorry for the other person, usually unworthy of any good in his life, and makes decisions based on such motivation.

Approval: A person who, during his childhood, had a parent (or other authority figure) whom often expressed displeasure at his behavior, withdrew their love during disagreements, or complained about the child being born, will continue to be motivated in adulthood, not only to please that parent, but any authority figure. Rather than basing decisions on his destiny, goals, and what is best for his present life and future, his decisions are based on the unhealthy motivation of winning other people’s approval at his own expense.

Overidentification with Others’ Loss: This motivation begins as a result of a person not dealing with the emotional hurts of his own disappointments and losses. As a result, he has an excessively emotional response to any other person’s loss. He will frequently act with unreasonable responses in an effort to “rescue” or fix the other person’s problem or loss. Additional harm comes to his life, however, by those who realize that they can manipulate his over-emotional response, and thus his decisions, by their expressions of disappointment, hurt, or loss. In reality, the other person’s hurt or loss may not even be as extensive or may be issues of their own choosing, but this person’s overidentification will invariable evoke such an overwhelmingly emotional reaction that his decisions are based more on emotion than what is best for him or the other person.

Rather than being motivated by unhealthy fears which lead to decisions of failure, a person needs to live by truly loving motivations which bring a state of freedom and positive results.

If your motivations are based on unhealthy fears, the results will be negative in your life-failures, exhaustion, unhappiness, etc. Remember the example of the man at the beginning of this post? Decisions and behavior based on love would not have brought the destructive results he was experiencing. Decisions based on love instead of fear bring results of healthy relationships and fulfillment of personal, God-given destiny. Cloud and Townsend have an incredible quote that sums up this entire concept of healthy motivations:

Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure. Let God work on the fears, resolve them, and create some healthy boundaries to guard the freedom you were called to.

List of unhealthy types of motivations and quote from pp. 91-92 of ” Boundaries: When to Say, ‘Yes,’ When to Say, ‘No,’ to Take Control of Your Life” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. ISBN # is 0-310-24745-4.

I was reminded today of a quote that clearly describes the Fatherly comfort God desires to bring us.

Visualize the level of comfort that a fearful child receives from being held in the arms of a loving father. Visualize the comfort a grieving person receives in the arms of a loving friend or spouse. Now visualize the comfort that a newborn baby receives when placed in the arms of its mother so that he can hear her heartbeat and know that safety and loving nurturing is still there.

This is the same visual picture God gives of Himself in His relationship with us.

Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him. The one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders. (Deut.33:12)

Where is your source of comfort and what is its depth?

God desires that we receive whatever comfort possible from our human relationships, but whether that is available to you or not, nothing can compare to the comfort you can receive from resting in the arms of your loving Father God, resting between His shoulders-a level of closeness in which you can “hear His heartbeat” and know that all His nurturing love and safety is there for you. God does bless our lives with His love through other people, but He also provides a level of comfort that does not exist anywhere else other than by taking time alone with Him in undisturbed meditation, allowing His Spirit to communicate to your mind and spirit His thoughts of love, wisdom, encouragement, comfort, and inspiration. Remember, you can hear His voice. Jesus said, “My sheep know my voice.” He would not have said that if God did not speak. Also, He said that God’s Spirit would reveal or disclose to you things of God, things only God knows (Jn. 16:13,14; 1 Cor. 2:9.10)

Comfort and/or peace are a rarity in these days in which we live, yet something most people are desperately longing for. Slow down, listen, take time to hear God’s heartbeat and allow Him to speak comfort to you!