Table of contents for The Effects of Anger

1. Anger and Its Residual Effects Part 1
2. Anger and Its Residual Effects Part 2

This is Part  2 of a tw0 part post.  If you missed Part 1, please use the series link above to read it. In Part 1, we covered types of anger, anger’s effects on family relationships and your spiritual life, and more.

6. Other Various Negative Effects

Here are some proverbs that express other negative residual effects from anger:

Leads to evil responses. Ps. 37:8 – Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret– it leads only to evil.

Produces strife and reduces the honor of your reputation. Pr. 20:3 – It is to a man’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel. P. 30:33 – For as churning the milk produces butter, so stirring up anger produces strife.

Keeps you from acting in wisdom and self-control. Pr. – 29:11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. Ecc. 7:9 – Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.

7. God Encourages Us to Get Rid of Anger.

It is interesting, here, that the list of things to eliminate from our lives are things are usually all associated with anger, or result from anger.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice (Eph. 4:31).
But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips (Col. 3:8).

When one is in a state of anger, your mind races, imagining all the things you want to say or do to the person or what ill-will you wish towards them. God instructs, as part of anger management, to still your mind and spirit so you can hear direction and wisdom of God for proper response. Stilling your mind is necessary to avoid harmful responses.

In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent (Ps. 4:4).

8. Even the Emotion of Anger Over Injustice Must Eventually Subside.

Even over injustice, you must move past anger because it’s affect on your perspective. The extreme emotions of anger create a view toward revenge, malice, bitterness and unforgiveness. These are harmful to yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires (Jm. 1:19,20).

Anger’s negative effect on your relationship with God causes you not to live as He desires you to live. You will be acting on wrong motivation and wrong emotional responses.

9. God’s Example With His Own Anger

God Himself sets an example of (1) being slow to become angry and (2) quick to get over it. This is even in the case of injustice, because, obviously, God’s anger is only in response to evil and injustice.

The LORD is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion. Yet He does not leave the guilty unpunished (Num. 14:18).
For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime (Ps. 30:5)
He will not always accuse, nor will He harbor His anger forever (Ps. 103:9)

1o. Guidelines for our Responses.

There could be a large list here, but I’ll keep it to a few short principles. First, as anger and all it entails is related to a corrupt mind, as God states in this next quote, He urges us to flee or leave behind that type of lifestyle and run to a life that is characteristic of the nature of God.

He has an unhealthy interest in controversies and quarrels about words that result in envy, strife, malicious talk, evil suspicions and constant friction between men of corrupt mind. But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness (1 Tim 6:4,5,11).

We should make it a personal policy to speak slowly and softly when tempted to respond in an outburst of anger.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Pr 15:1).

Again in this passage below, God urges us to be completely enveloped or “clothed” with His divine nature. (You have to visualize the clothing worn in the culture at the time this was written-covered from head to toe.) This includes forgiveness, so that your own spirit and emotions are not harmed. Forgiveness does not mean giving in to evil people. Forgiveness takes place in your own spirit. If you missed the post on Forgiveness or Reconciliation – Understanding the Difference, follow the link.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts (Col 3:12-15).

God desires peace to rule in your spirit, as well as in your relationship with Him and other people. Free your life from the residual effects of anger. Still your mind, forgive, and envelope yourself in His nature!

Table of contents for The Effects of Anger

1. Anger and Its Residual Effects Part 1
2. Anger and Its Residual Effects Part 2

Anger is an area in which we all can improve. Realizing the residual effects on our spirits and relationships can be motivational.

A reader recently asked about the effects on anger on one’s spiritual life. Let me clarify that we are not referring to the type of anger one feels over injustice, but rather the type that involves fury, rage, bitterness, and malice [ill-will]. As anger effects one’s interpersonal relationships as well as your spirit, let’s take a look at both aspects in this tw0-part post.

1. First, Realize that Anger Over Injustice is not Evil Even by God’s Standards.

Some people feel guilty over any type of anger. This is not correct. We should feel anger over injustice, as it causes us to protect ourselves and those who cannot protect themselves. Jesus Himself experienced anger over injustice. “He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts (Mk. 3:5).” However, even anger over injustice needs to eventually return to a less emotional state of reasoning, but we will discuss that later in the post.

2. The Type of Anger that has Negative Residual Effects is Associated with Rage.

The Greek words used for “anger” in Scripture contain the ideas of being provoked, enraged, exasperated, full of wrath and vengeance, and violently emotional. (Strong’s Dictionary of New Testament Words.) This is the kind of anger that is irrational and so overrun by emotion that it acts without thinking through the consequences of its actions. It includes thoughts of malice-desiring harm or other negative situations to come to the other person.

3. Holding on to Anger Corrupts Your Spirit.

Some people are prone to frequent bursts of anger that are short-lived; however, many of us hold on to anger. The irrational rage-type of anger is harmful to your spirit and relationships either way, but holding on to anger causes a great deal of internal harm, emotionally and to your spirit. Take a look at these quotes:

Be made new in the attitude of your minds…In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold (Eph 4:23,26,27).

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many (Heb 12:14,15).

Holding on to anger has negative residual effects on your spirit. According to these quotes, it “gives the devil a foothold” or keeps an open door in your spirit to evil forces. It causes bitterness which will defile your spirit and can actually harm one’s eternal destiny, as the defiling of one’s spirit or lack of holiness can cause one to not “see the Lord.”

4. Anger Harms Family Relationships that You are Spiritually Responsible For.

Your Children
Scripture says that attitudes or actions that are hard on your children or exasperate your children-depending on the translation, actually break their spirits and bring discouragement.

Fathers, do not exasperate your children, or they will become discouraged. OR
Fathers, do not be hard on your children, so that their spirits may not be broken (Col. 3:21).

Your Spouse
In this passage, God is speaking to husbands, but the principle goes both directions. It specifically says that treating your partner with a lack of respect, which anger does, hinders your prayers. If it is harmful enough in God’s eyes to hinder your prayers, it is obviously a matter that is harming your partner.

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect…and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers (1 Pet. 3:7).

5. Anger Negatively Affects Fasting and Prayer

In part of Jewish history, the people were complaining to God for not answering their prayers even after they had devoted themselves to fasting. God goes through a list of their behavior that caused Him not to respond to their prayers and fasting. Part of that behavior that hinders God’s responses to you is anger, referred to here specifically as “quarreling and strife.”

“Why have we fasted,” they say, “and you have not seen it?”…Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife, and in striking each other with wicked fists. You cannot fast as you do today and expect your voice to be heard on high…Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke [bondage]? (Is. 58:3,4,6)

This is Part 1 of a two-part post.  In Part 2, we will discuss other effects of anger, overcoming anger, and guidelines for our responses.

Fellow SelfGrowth.com expert, Cassandra Lee– speaker, coach, and author– posted an article describing her personal technique of dealing with resentment and anger.  I wanted to share a few excerpts from the article with you as well as give you a link to the full article.

Ms. Lee describes the need to analyze your actions, discover the source, and confront the issue at hand for resolution.

In her article, Ms. Lee describes a situation with a friend that caused her anger and resentment.  The friend was unaware that his actions created these negatives, but in Ms. Lee’s mind, the situation grew until, when she saw him 2 days later, she treated him so coldly that they did not speak to each other for a month.  This is a quote about her technique to deal with resentment and anger:

“Squash and Release” is a technique that allows me to discover the REAL issue at hand; analyze my actions that may have caused the issue to arise; and confront the issue through discussion, apology or whatever steps necessary for me to squash my anger and release my resentment.”

In a self-evaluation, Ms. Lee asked her self these questions:

-Had I done anything to cause the issue?

-Did my attitude make the situation worse?

-Was he really being insensitive?

-Was I overreacting?

Once Ms. Lee decided that she had overacted and strained the relationship due to not feeling secure in her friend’s concern over her well-being, she explained, apologized, and healed the friendship.  The situation did not recur because her friend now knew to respond in a way that made her feel secure and she made sure not to make assumptions.

Here is a summary of the 3 steps in Ms. Lee’s Squash and Release Technique:

 • Identify the issue… behind your emotions; determine actions or situations that have caused you discomfort…

• Assess the problem: analyze your actions; make sure you have not done anything to contribute to the problem; be prepared to apologize and change your behavior,

• Confront the conflict: take the necessary actions… schedule a private moment to address the person that is frustrating you or the right time to handle the conflict head on.

Though Ms. Lee prefers face-to-face resolution, she says that you can work through methods you are comfortable with such as calls, letters, or cards, as long as you deal with the situation head on instead of being overwhelmed by negative energy.

Click here to read Ms. Lee’s full article.

Use these links to read my earlier articles on resentment and anger:

Resentment and Anger Management

Anger and Its Residual Effects

Resentment in Your Significant Other

Emotional Healing Parallels Physical Healing

Table of contents for Relationship Issues Q&A

1. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 1
2. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 2

Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, one of my favorite authors, is a frequent guest speaker for the Family Series event hosted by Bill Hybel.  There are some excerpts of one of his talks. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” and “Safe People.” You can listen or watch the full talk by Dr. Cloud at this link (Part VI on their page).

This is a continuation of a 2 part post. If you missed Part 1, use the above series link.

These are paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s question and answer session on some of life’s toughest relationship questions. Please use the link below to watch or listen to the full video or audio. The insights will greatly benefit yourself, your friends, and family.

5. With regard to blended families and step families, how can a parent continue a close relationship with a child who is living with the other re-married parent and both parental roles are already being fulfilled in the child’s life?

This is a painful scenario and there is no way to go through this without feeling some loss. However, the first important step is to remove from your thoughts the concept of “either/or” because you are both in the child’s life. You don’t have control of when you are not there, but you do have 100% control of the relationship you have when you are together with your child. First, if you are nurturing, warm, and positive and do great stuff together, yet have requirements and expectations that he live by your rules, even if the other parent is a non-structure type, kids deep down eventually gravitate toward structure. You will face fights and some “prodigal son” moments, but continue to be the best person you can be in regards to loving and discipline. The child will develop an attachment to you based on that.

The second important point is don’t poison the other relationship with the step parent or the one with your ex. You want the child to have as many positive relationships as possible.

Third, have a transcendent desire, one that transcends any wounds, and can come together to work on what is best for the kids. It is so easy to get caught up in rehashing old hurts and wants. You can still come together, agreeing that “These are our issues. We will never get along on these points, otherwise we would still be married.” Then carve out a space where you can come together solely to work on what is best for the children.

6. What is your advice for a couple whose interests are so different that they never spend any time together?

Something is wrong if you only spend time pursuing your own personal tastes/interests. There are vital things in life that we all should be interested in, unless we are living a life only to ourselves, an ego-centric life that does not transcend our own interests. You and your spouse should be involved in some universal interests, like reaching out to the poor or extended family, doing activities with your kids, community service involvement, spiritual activities at the church. So, first find universal things to be involved in that have nothing to do with person tastes.

Second, move past your own interests to the interests of others [in your mindset and lifestyle]. Cross the fence and become of student of your spouse’s heart, mind, soul, strengths, and passions. [Dr. Cloud then gave the example of a man who hated art but loved going to his wife’s art exhibits because he realized he was able to see another part of her, a part of her life’s passion and talents that he could not see otherwise; it was another part of her person that he could fall in love with as he immersed himself in watching her in her element.

7. As a clinical psychologist, what are some of the key elements to get right with our families?

If you do the most important one, most of the others will fall into place. Go back to the original design of how God designed marriage to work. The formula God gave of leaving parents, cleaving to your spouse, and becoming one [Gen.2:24] contains life-changing dynamics.

The leaving must take first before the cleaving. When a person doesn’t do the “leave” part, it is because of not wanting to stand up to the parent’s control issues–wanting [the grown child] to stay forever or wanting intrusion rights– or because [the grown child] is still in a dependency relationship with the parent emotionally, financially or desiring approval. The Hebrew word for leave is brutal; it means utterly forsake. This does not mean to abandon your parents, because we are supposed to have intergenerational ties and relationships. However, what you forsake is that child role from your family of origin; be an adult and now cleave to your spouse.

The next step in the formula is two whole people become one. The oneness is created by two whole people coming together. Here is the typical problem, though; if you are not a complete person as an adult, if you are a half person looking for another half person to make a whole, ½ x ½ = ¼! When we bring brokenness into brokenness, we get reduced to less of a person than we were to begin with and we just want out so that the pain will stop.

To make a relationship work, the key is that both spouses must be on a path to become whole, mature, complete people. It does not mean perfect people, but that you’ve worked out the stuff so [when a crisis occurs], you don’t whine like a two year old; you get up and solve the problem. Men need to be in groups of men who will give them the support they did not get from their families of origin, and the same with women, see your [counselor] or whatever you have to do so that both people are becoming whole persons and then establish a family, and pass that wholeness on. This is the best thing you can do.

Last , you’ve got to have a strategic plan for your family and do it with intention. The rule of life is that the urgent will always crowd out the vital. Carve out purposeful times that are going to be reserved for you, and for the support groups. We also have a family meeting every week where we talk about “What can we do better this week? What do we want you to do better this week? What do you want us to do better this week?” We are working on things and we’re growing together. When you do that, if you are getting good information and you are growing, you are going to succeed.

To make full use of the vital information Dr. Cloud has provided, please use this link to watch the video or audio. Click Part VI on their play list.

Table of contents for Relationship Issues Q&A

1. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 1
2. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 2

Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, one of my favorite authors, is a frequent guest speaker for the Family Series event hosted by Bill Hybel.  There are some excerpts of one of his talks. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” and “Safe People.” You can listen or watch the full talk by Dr. Cloud at this link (Part VI on their page).

Here are some paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s question and answer session on some of life’s toughest relationship questions. We’ll do this in a 2 part post.  Please use the link below to watch or listen to the full video or audio.

1. Where do you draw the line between tough love and unconditional love?

There is a problem with this term of “drawing the line.” When we look at God’s personality, His expectations are done in ways that are perfectly loving and honest so He never has to “draw the line” due to having gone too far down an enabling, co-dependent road. With parents, too often we have let the child go too long down a path without consequences until it is at a point where harm will come to them if he (or she does) not get control of himself. It should never get to this point, but if it does, it should be done in a loving way.

As for child discipline, in this culture people often say, “Don’t say ‘No’ to your child; give them choices.” As an adult, one runs into ‘No’s,’ with speed limits, job requirements, etc. Our job as parents is to arrange situations in a way that when they make good decisions then good things happen and when they make bad decisions bad things happen. The goal is to transfer self control to the child. They should grow to the point of being in charge of themselves and feeling, “Oh, I better do it this way so something uncomfortable does not happen.” …we must take a stance that requires them to step into maturity so they are in control and we can finally delegate that job to them.

2. How do you address character issues in marriage? How do you let a spouse know you want more from a relationship without making them feel like a bad spouse?

In response to the first part of the question, most problems are the same in every marriage whether or not it is a good marriage, unless something strange is going on. It is how it is handled that makes the difference. Research shows that you can predict divorce in couples by 90% accuracy if couples (1) are judgmental, critical in giving feedback to each other instead of problem solving and (2) if they have a lot of contempt for the spouse.

To answer the second part of the questions, the best way to talk without making the other person feel bad is to talk about what you both want in the relationship that is positive. Express how their behavior is affecting what you both want…By talking about how the behavior’s negatively affecting what you both want out of the relationship, you are not saying they are a bad person but that the situations are negatively affecting what is important to them. If you’ve been unable to make these changes on your own [as a couple], you should probably talk to a counselor or pastor, too.

3. How do I balance time between work, family, friends, hobbies, etc?

Technology has created more difficulties in this area. Before, work had walls and time boundaries. Now we bring it home. If “life” is not protected, than life will not happen. [Dr. Cloud has a book on this topic, “The One Life Solution.”] A main quote of mine is “Follow the misery and make a rule.”

It is similar to God’s rule for the Sabbath, that there should be a protected, designated time, sometime during the week, for rest. Studies show that your brain needs downtime to grow new neuro-pathways. Couples need to talk about “Where is this not working for us?” and set some boundaries, protect your relationships. Examples, no work at home or no work email at home, set weekly date night with no kids, set weekly family meeting. If you do not put the vital things of life into protective structures, something will always get in the way.

4. How can one trust again after having experienced repeated unfaithful spouses?

First, this is one of the most painful experiences a person can go through. But if you have consistently had this experience, before marrying again, you may want to check your “people picker.” Bad people do “happen” to good people, but sometimes we make it easier for it to happen with our blind spots. Go through a good divorce recovery and see why you choose self-absorbed or unfaithful spouses and why you don’t recognize it earlier on in the relationship. We sometimes come into marriage lacking wholeness. We may have parts of us that are inaccessible to bring into the relationship or we do not have the skills to handle hurts that happen. Marriage needs to be a place to bring all of yourself. When you are hurt, you are able to bring that hurt and resolve it instead of take it someplace else. Or, when your needs are not being met, you also show up with your conflict resolution skills and work it out…When you get something immature from your spouse, don’t be overcome by that. Do not let them regress you..if you don’t have that in you, get a support group so that you can take health into the relationship. (Use the link below to hear Dr. Cloud input on if you want to restore a relationship broken by unfaithfulness.)

We will continue with more paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s relationship question and answer session in Part 2 of this post. To make full use of the vital information Dr. Cloud has provided, please use this link to watch the video or audio. Click Part VI on their play list.

If you missed Bill’s Hybel’s talk on “5 Key Compatiblities” to look for to guide you through easy-to-follow principles for determining your compatibility in a relationship, be sure to read it for your own benefit and that of your friends and family. Good information for everyone! This talk is Part II in their media player list.

When you look at your life, is your lifestyle one of true enjoyment, solely maintenance, or survivable chaos?

I recently mentioned about the need to “plan for life,” especially when life’s responsibilities appear to be squeezing your dreams out of the picture and life becomes solely a process of maintenance.  However, I have been reminded how easy it is for people to believe their lifestyles are intended to be chaotic to be fulfilling.

My spouse has done business in the past with a couple whose lives are in a constant state of chaos — by choice. The one person’s personality lends to feeling that this state of chaos is necessary for a fulfilling life. Both of them, being in a religious environment, either consciously or subconsciously believe that this state of “chaos” is a matter of religious sacrifice or higher calling. Working in religious fields, I’ve seen this concept too often in religious people, and unknowingly lived by that philosophy myself in my 20’s and 30’s. The effects of this barely tolerable lifestyle are already becoming visible in their kids and in poor business decisions, as time for restful meditation is lacking.

If your lifestyle is not one of true enjoyment, the mental perspective needs to be engrained that a healthy, restful way of life is intended by design and necessary for fulfillment.

Jesus expressed God’s design for your life in Matthew 11:28-30, Message translation.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to Me. Get away with Me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with Me and work with Me – watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with Me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.

Several points are interesting in this translation. First, the religious concept of living in a chaotic state of overwork as being somehow spiritual is a false religious concept that will burn you out. Second, living the way God intends for you, a healthy lifestyle with rest and freedom, will enable you to “recover your life,” true life.

Similar thoughts are expressed effectively in the Amplified translation.

Come to Me all you who are…overburdened and I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls…Learn of Me…and you will find rest, relief, ease, refreshment, recreation and blessed quiet…For My yoke is wholesome, useful, good — not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant.

Notice God’s plan of lifestyle is not one that is overburdened. We must remove such religious misconceptions from our minds. His way of healthy lifestyles includes refreshment, recreation, and is not pressing, but wholesome, comfortable, and pleasant.

If your life is one of solely maintenance or what you believed to be “constructive chaos,” it is time to restructure and reorganize. Go back and re-read the Planning for Life post if you have not and make a healthy lifestyle plan. Or, if you made a life plan and you now realize that you created one that is chaotic, take some time this week to re-evaluate and restructure it with refreshment, recreation, wholesomeness, comfort so that you can “recover your life.”

Each of us desires a long, abundant life with our loved ones. Yet, do your daily decisions work for or against that desire?

These past 2 months have been one of those seasons of life that come to all of us. Tomorrow is a funeral for a friend that died suddenly and unexpectedly. Another friend has been in ICU for weeks. The first person had lived a life that was very abusive to his physical health for years, having just made a change in the recent past. The other friend has lived the more typical unhealthy life of too many sodas and mostly processed foods. She has had many health issues that have drastically affected her family and friends for the whole past year and has now been in ICU for a good part of 2 months and still has life-threatening issues going on. Both should have had a good 20 to 30 more years of living an abundant life, loving life and loving family, but the choice of poor daily health habits stole the precious gift of long abundant life not only from them, but from their friends and families.

We need to be reminded of how essential the little daily choices regarding health-food, sleep, exercise-are truly the ultimate decision for a long life.

Every day that you get up, you make seemingly insignificant choices regarding what you eat, whether or not you skip exercise, how you deal with stress, if you get enough sleep. These decisions come so frequently that one usually makes them almost without thinking. Each little decision not to do what is beneficial to your physical health is, in actuality, a decision of whether or not to embrace a long abundant life, with time to live life, enjoying and loving your family and friends, and giving them the gift of that time to love you and enjoy your presence on this earth. Isn’t that what each of us want? Yet it seems so easy to choose otherwise. There is a quote worth remembering,

Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Ps. 90:12

Being aware of your daily health choices is an aspect of wisdom. This quote is a prayer to God asking for the ability to be wise in making choices that affect the number of one’s days on this earth, to value each day with its gift of life enough to be wise in how those days are used and how not to unnecessarily shorten them.

Life events such as funerals are moments that cause one to re-evaluate how wisely he or she is living life.

I, myself, this week was again brought to a point of evaluating how fleeting and how fragile the precious gift of life is, and which daily choices I and my family need to change to so that valuable time together living an abundant life is not lost. What does it take to remind you that your little daily health choices are, in effect, the overriding decision of whether or not you want to live a long abundant life with family and friends? Do you really want to deprive yourself of long life with those daily, thoughtless choices? Do you really want to deprive your loved ones of long life with you-your spouse, children, and grandchildren?

After decades of being a great, effective leader of millions of people, knowing he was about to die, Moses spoke to the Jewish nation about the things that were most important to their lives, guidelines for daily living so that they would live long, prosperous lives with their loved ones. The events in my own life brought these words back to mind. I want to share them as a challenge with you:

See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction.  Now choose life, so that you and your children may live. Deut. 30:15,19

In actuality, all the people you love, those that you have expended yourself to help and sacrificed your own well-being, will be better off after you re-focus on self help! This article by fellow SelfGrowth.com professional, Lori Snyder, covers 10 basic steps for getting back to daily care for yourself.

Lori admits that she herself was so busy with everyone else’s needs that she sidelined her own needs, only to discover that the reality was, by neglecting her own needs and not meeting them first, she was not able to give her best to those she loves. These are brief excerpts from Ms. Snyder’s article. Use the link in the footnote below to read the full article.

1. Start each day filled with gratitude for all that you are…Appreciate the beauty all around you. [I would suggest, at the beginning, to make a list of self appreciation points. If you’ve neglected yourself for a long time, it will be difficult at the beginning to really focus on your own value.]

2. Count your blessings for the people who you love and who love you…They all come, and some go, for a reason.

3. Take a moment of silence for yourself to meditate, and think about what your needs of the day are, and what you would like to accomplish.

4. Be mindful of your health, and incorporate a wellness schedule into your week. Exercise, eat healthy, get enough rest.

5. Look at your goals sheet quickly each week, and evaluate how you are doing with them.

6. Learn new things, research something you have always been interested in. Talk about them with your loved ones.

7. Take the time to give loved ones and friends, a squeezing hug.

8. Come from a positive mindset. This will help you to create a happier state of being.

9. Take time to play. This can be any hobby or activity that you truly enjoy.

10. Do not be afraid to say no to someone…Tell them you still care about their needs, it is just that you cannot do what they ask of you at this time. You can choose to state your reasons for your decision or not.

This ending quote by Lori is both a good summary and challenge:

If your needs are met, you will be in much better spiritual, mental and physical shape to be there for all the people in your life who are important to you. And you will be in a much happier frame of mind to want to support them with their needs.

Please use this link to read Lori Snyder’s full article, Looking Out for Number One. 

You can choose to respond to fearful situations in ways other than panic, being withdrawn, or some other solely, defensive protective mode. You have the option of choosing not to react to your fear, letting it manipulate you, but to think creatively, outside of the box, and discover responses that will actually enhance your life.

A recent study of the economy illustrates that most people react to fear instead of being creatively proactive.

The present economic situation in the US has affected all kinds of businesses, large and small. One of the categories of institutions largely affected is charitable organizations. Statistician George Barna of the Barna Group recently posted 3 articles with the results of his year long study of how the economy affected churches and other non-profit organizations, as well as how the churches responded to the fearful economic situation.

What stood out to me was Barna’s comments that most churches responded, in my terminology, by reacting to the economy, rather than seeing opportunities to respond creatively and actually enhance their situation and the lives of the people in their communities. Many churches adjusted budgets, cut spending, and cut staff. While it is the right thing to do to re-evaluate the budget and eliminate unnecessary spending, Barna notes, “For the most part, church leaders seem to have been in a hunker-down mode, attempting to get through the tough economy…”, a protective fear response. Similar to most people in fearful situations, few organizations set fear aside enough to think proactively and see where the current economic situation was actually providing new opportunities to interact with the community in helpful ways. Regarding this Barna says,

When pastors were asked to identify the changes they had made as a result of the economic downturn only about one out of every eight church leaders (13%) identified what might be described as activities that proactively position the church as a valuable resource to churchgoers and to those in the community.

This included hosting support groups and classes for those with have lost jobs, classes for those experiencing money problems, increasing the amount of prayer, provide financial counseling, and offering special talks on how to handle money problems. This next quote is not to speak negatively of the church organizations in any way, but to notice how often each of us respond the exact same way to crises situations in our lives.

Yet, the surprise is how few churches seem to have clearly and intentionally developed a proactive response to the downturn. Perhaps they have been so busy keeping the programs running that they have failed to see the significant opportunities as well as unique challenges represented in the new economic reality… Like so many others, church leaders have been focused on surviving; now is the time, though, to calibrate ministries and strategies to the opportunities brought by the new economy.

Similarly, whatever your fear situation, you do not want to just survive but thrive by seeing and implementing new opportunities.

Make a new effort to step back emotionally from your present fearful situation. Sometimes it helps to think about it as if it were someone else’s problem and what you would advise them to do, viewing it from the outside. If you cannot do this on your own, you may need to get help from a counselor, pastor, or a trusted, wise friend. Open your mind to the option of thinking creatively; take the offensive and look for ways to be creatively proactive, taking life-enhancing measures that will put you on the road to conquering your fearful situation, or at least living life a level above it.

Quotes are from “The Economies Impact on Churches (Part 2 of 3): How Churches Have Adapted” by Barna Group, Barna.org

• Self Esteem
• Forgiving Yourself
• Balance in Self Sacrifice and
• Rest

Merton on Self Esteem:

We cannot achieve greatness unless we lose all interest in being great. If we pay too much attention to [our idea of greatness], we will be lured out of the peace and stability…God gave us, and seek to live in a myth we have created for ourselves. We are truly ourselves when we lose the futile self consciousness that keep us constantly comparing ourselves with others in order to see how big we are.

We all seek to imitate one another’s imagined greatness….If I do not know who I am, it is because I think I am the sort of person everyone around me wants me to be. Perhaps I have never asked myself whether I wanted to become what everybody else seems to want to become. Perhaps if I only realized that I do not admire what everyone seem to admire, I would really begin to live after all.

Every man has a vocation to be someone: but he must understand clearly that, in order to fulfill his vocation, he can only be one person: himself…What does this mean? In order to be what we are meant to be, we must know Christ, and love him, and do what he did. Our destiny is in our own hands since God has placed it there, and has given us the grace to do the impossible. It remains for us to take up courageously and without hesitation the work he has given us, which is the task of living our own life as Christ would live it is us.

We can either Love God because we hope for something from Him, or we can hope in Him knowing that he loves us. Sometimes we begin with the first kind of hope and grow into the second.

Merton of Forgiving Yourself

It is true that we make many mistakes. But the biggest of them all is to be surprised at them: as if we had any hope of never making any. Mistakes are part of our life, and not the least important part. It is by making mistakes that we gain experience, not only for ourselves but for others.

My successes are not my own. The way to them was prepared by others. The fruits of my labors are not my own: for I am preparing the way for the achievements of another. Nor are my failures my own. They may spring from the failure of another, but they are also compensated for by another’s achievement. There for the meaning of my life is…only seen in the complete integration of my achievements and failures with the achievements and failures of my own generation.

Merton on Rest

We do not live merely in order to “do something” no matter what…We do not live more fully merely by doing more…On the contrary, some of us need to discover that we will not begin to live more fully until we have the courage to do and see and taste and experience much less…There are times, then, when, in order to keep ourselves in existence at all we simply have to sit back for a while and do nothing. And for a man who has let himself be drawn completely out of himself by his activity, nothing is more difficult than to sit still and rest.

Balance in Self Sacrifice

The saint, therefore, is sanctified not only by fasting when he should fast but also by eating when he should eat. He is not only sanctified by his prayers in the darkness of the night, but by the sleep he takes in obedience to God, who made us what we are. Not only his solitude contributes to his union with God, but also his supernatural love for his friends and his relatives and those with whom he lives and works.

All Quotes are Excerpts from Thomas Merton’s book, No Man Is an Island.