Restoring Joy to Giving

November 26th, 2013

[With the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday here in the US, I thought it would be good to re-focus on giving and gratitude in the articles over this next week.]

People with religious tendencies are often profuse givers. Depending on your personality, the desire to give can be so compelling that it easily gets out of balance, causing feelings of resentment when receivers respond with a lack of gratitude.

Many of us are easily moved with compassion for people in need, desiring to respond with help in whatever way possible. When you are a personality type that is easily compelled to give, it is not uncommon for this desire get out of balance, causing feelings of resentment when receivers respond with a lack of gratitude. These feelings of resentment are compounded when you still feel compelled to give though you yourself have come to a point of being in need, from either stressful and exhausting circumstances or the void that has developed from those you give to rarely giving in return.

Compulsive givers frequently feel guilty when they try to back out of getting involved even though their own exhaustion is necessitating it, or when they allow someone to help them with their own needs. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

<b>Print This</b> Print This
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Getting Back to a Self Help Priority

November 22nd, 2013

[With the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday here in the US, I thought it would be good to re-focus on giving and gratitude in the articles over this next week.]

If you are a giver and your giving has left yourself in need, it is time to re-prioritize.

In actuality, all the people you love, those that you have expended yourself to help and sacrificed your own well-being, will be better off after you re-focus on self help! This article by fellow SelfGrowth.com professional, Lori Snyder, covers 10 basic steps for getting back to daily care for yourself.

Lori admits that she herself was so busy with everyone else’s needs that she sidelined her own needs, only to discover that the reality was, by neglecting her own needs and not meeting them first, she was not able to give her best to those she loves. These are brief excerpts from Ms. Snyder’s article. Use the link in the footnote below to read the full article.

1. Start each day filled with gratitude for all that you are…Appreciate the beauty all around you. [I would suggest, at the beginning, to make a list of self appreciation points. If you’ve neglected yourself for a long time, it will be difficult at the beginning to really focus on your own value.]

2. Count your blessings for the people who you love and who love you…They all come, and some go, for a reason.

3. Take a moment of silence for yourself to meditate, and think about what your needs of the day are, and what you would like to accomplish.

4. Be mindful of your health, and incorporate a wellness schedule into your week. Exercise, eat healthy, get enough rest.

5. Look at your goals sheet quickly each week, and evaluate how you are doing with them. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

<b>Print This</b> Print This
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Anger and Its Residual Effects Part 2

May 12th, 2012

Table of contents for The Effects of Anger

  1. Anger and Its Residual Effects Part 1
  2. Anger and Its Residual Effects Part 2

This is Part  2 of a tw0 part postIf you missed Part 1, please use the series link above to read it. In Part 1, we covered types of anger, anger’s effects on family relationships and your spiritual life, and more.

6. Other Various Negative Effects

Here are some proverbs that express other negative residual effects from anger:

Leads to evil responses. Ps. 37:8 – Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret– it leads only to evil.

Produces strife and reduces the honor of your reputation. Pr. 20:3 – It is to a man’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel. P. 30:33 – For as churning the milk produces butter, so stirring up anger produces strife.

Keeps you from acting in wisdom and self-control. Pr. – 29:11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. Ecc. 7:9 – Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.

7. God Encourages Us to Get Rid of Anger.

It is interesting, here, that the list of things to eliminate from our lives are things are usually all associated with anger, or result from anger.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice (Eph. 4:31).
But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips (Col. 3:8).

When one is in a state of anger, your mind races, imagining all the things you want to say or do to the person Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

<b>Print This</b> Print This
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Anger and Its Residual Effects Part 1

May 9th, 2012

Table of contents for The Effects of Anger

  1. Anger and Its Residual Effects Part 1
  2. Anger and Its Residual Effects Part 2

Anger is an area in which we all can improve. Realizing the residual effects on our spirits and relationships can be motivational.

A reader recently asked about the effects on anger on one’s spiritual life. Let me clarify that we are not referring to the type of anger one feels over injustice, but rather the type that involves fury, rage, bitterness, and malice [ill-will]. As anger effects one’s interpersonal relationships as well as your spirit, let’s take a look at both aspects in this tw0-part post.

1. First, Realize that Anger Over Injustice is not Evil Even by God’s Standards.

Some people feel guilty over any type of anger. This is not correct. We should feel anger over injustice, as it causes us to protect ourselves and those who cannot protect themselves. Jesus Himself experienced anger over injustice. “He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts (Mk. 3:5).” However, even anger over injustice needs to eventually return to Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

<b>Print This</b> Print This
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Releasing Resentment and Anger

April 29th, 2012

Not only identifying but also releasing underlying causes of anger and resentment are a necessary part of personal growth.

Fellow SelfGrowth.com expert, Cassandra Lee– speaker, coach, and author– posted an article describing her personal technique of dealing with resentment and anger.  I wanted to share a few excerpts from the article with you as well as give you a link to the full article.

Ms. Lee describes the need to analyze your actions, discover the source, and confront the issue at hand for resolution.

In her article, Ms. Lee describes a situation with a friend that caused her anger and resentment.  The friend was unaware that his actions created these negatives, but in Ms. Lee’s mind, the situation grew until, when she saw him 2 days later, she treated him so coldly that they did not speak to each other for a month.  This is a quote about her technique to deal with resentment and anger: Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

<b>Print This</b> Print This
Tags: , , , , , ,

Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 2

April 22nd, 2012

Table of contents for Relationship Issues Q&A

  1. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 1
  2. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 2

Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, one of my favorite authors, is a frequent guest speaker for the Family Series event hosted by Bill Hybel.  There are some excerpts of one of his talks. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” and “Safe People.” You can listen or watch the full talk by Dr. Cloud at this link (Part VI on their page).

This is a continuation of a 2 part post. If you missed Part 1, use the above series link.

These are paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s question and answer session on some of life’s toughest relationship questions. Please use the link below to watch or listen to the full video or audio. The insights will greatly benefit yourself, your friends, and family.

5. With regard to blended families and step families, how can a parent continue a close relationship with a child who is living with the other re-married parent and both parental roles are already being fulfilled in the child’s life?

This is a painful scenario and there is no way to go through this without feeling some loss. However, the first important step is to remove from your thoughts the concept of “either/or” because you are both in the child’s life. You don’t have control of when you are not there, but you do have 100% control of the relationship you have when you are together with your child. First, if you are nurturing, warm, and positive and do great stuff together, yet have requirements and expectations that he live by your rules, even if the other parent is a non-structure type, kids deep down eventually gravitate toward structure. You will face fights and some “prodigal son” moments, but continue to be the best person you can be in regards to loving and discipline. The child will develop an attachment to you based on that.

The second important point is don’t poison the other relationship with the step parent or the one with your ex. You want the child to have as many Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

<b>Print This</b> Print This
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 1

April 20th, 2012

Table of contents for Relationship Issues Q&A

  1. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 1
  2. Relationship Issues Question and Answer Part 2

Dr. Henry Cloud, PhD, one of my favorite authors, is a frequent guest speaker for the Family Series event hosted by Bill Hybel.  There are some excerpts of one of his talks. Dr. Cloud is a noted psychologist and author of “Boundaries,” “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping,” and “Safe People.” You can listen or watch the full talk by Dr. Cloud at this link (Part VI on their page).

Here are some paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Cloud’s question and answer session on some of life’s toughest relationship questions. We’ll do this in a 2 part post.  Please use the link below to watch or listen to the full video or audio.

1. Where do you draw the line between tough love and unconditional love?

There is a problem with this term of “drawing the line.” When we look at God’s personality, His expectations are done in ways that are perfectly loving and honest so He never has to “draw the line” due to having gone too far down an enabling, co-dependent road. With parents, too often we have let the child go too long down a path without consequences until it is at a point where harm will come to them if he (or she does) not get control of himself. It should never get to this point, but if it does, it should be done in a loving way.

As for child discipline, in this culture people often say, “Don’t say ‘No’ to your child; give them choices.” As an adult, one runs into ‘No’s,’ with speed limits, job requirements, etc. Our job as parents is to arrange situations in a way that when they make good decisions then good things happen and when they make bad decisions bad things happen. The goal is to transfer self control to the child. They should grow to the point of being in charge of themselves and feeling, “Oh, I better do it this way so something uncomfortable does not happen.” …we must take a stance that requires them to step into maturity so they are in control and we can finally delegate that job to them.

2. How do you address character issues in marriage? How do you let a spouse know you want more from a relationship without making them feel like a bad spouse?

In response to the first part of the question, most problems are the same in every marriage whether or not it is a good marriage, unless something strange is going on. It is how it is handled that makes the difference. Research shows that you can predict divorce in couples by 90% accuracy if couples (1) are judgmental, critical in giving feedback to each other instead of problem solving and (2) if they have a lot of contempt for the spouse. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

<b>Print This</b> Print This
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Enjoying Your Holidays

December 20th, 2011

Do holiday family gatherings bring joy or difficult memories and painful feelings?

I came across a helpful article by fellow SelfGrowth.com author Laurie McAnaugh; here are some excerpts from it to help you overcome the negativity and enjoy your holiday experience. Use the links in the footnotes to read her full article(This is one of the classic holiday “help” articles– a good reminder for each of us each Christmas/New Year’s season.)

Ms. McAnaugh discusses that if holidays are emotionally draining to you rather than a time to enjoy remembrances of all you have to be thankful for, you may need to ask yourself the following questions:

-Why do I behave that way when I’m around certain members of my family?

-I don’t always like who I am when I am around that person.

-What is it about that person that they constantly say things that hurt my feelings?

-What is it about me that I allow that person to get under my skin?

If the holidays cause you to have the above thoughts, Ms. McAnaugh encourages you to ponder these questions:

-How would it feel to spend the holidays with each of your family members and still feel good about yourself, Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

<b>Print This</b> Print This
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Freedom Through Responsibility

February 10th, 2009

Reading Level: Impassioned

To some, this title sounds like an oxymoron-complete opposites-yet taking responsibility for your actions and decisions can actually set you free.

A large portion of the balance of our lives is dependent on what we are and are not responsible for. Becoming aware of where we have or have not drawn boundaries with our chosen responsibilities can bring some startling realizations as to the sources of needless stress, irritation, and resentments. Two recent situations drew my attention to this concept.

The initial way to Freedom through Responsibility is to be content with the decisions you make as to your level of responsibility.

The first situation that made me aware of this principle was taking place in my own life. I was feeling resentful and becoming quite negative about a particular organization with which we work at times that was not being well run by the leadership. I would probably have released my frustration by sitting down and giving them input on a few key things that were affecting their effectiveness, as I had knowledge in that area. However, this past month was so hectic that I chose not to invest my personal time into that situation, deciding the people could probably learn from their own mistakes. I realized this week, however, that I was not taking responsibility for my own decision. Since I had chosen not to take from my time the volume of time needed to give input to that organization’s leadership, I needed to be content with that decision to let them learn from their own mistakes, and choose not to be irritated by the lack of effectiveness of the present leadership.

People often clutter their lives with irritation and resentment either by (1) choosing to take on too many “extra curricular” responsibilities in what would otherwise be their free time and then resenting the people involved or (2) not choosing to be content with the boundaries they set. The first often happens with people in any type of rescue work or those with a co-dependent personality who feel they always need to be “rescuing” something or someone. The wise decision is to Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

<b>Print This</b> Print This
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Healing Words Part 2

September 9th, 2008

Table of contents for Healing Words

  1. Healing Words
  2. Healing Words Part 2

Reading Level: Leisurely

Recent events in the US Open were a good illustration of the harm that quickly comes to people on both ends of a conversation through a careless moment with one’s words.

It made headlines the last few days of the US Open (tennis) when a few careless words in an attempt to joke brought great offense to another athlete, visibly hindering his play in the quarters and semifinals. We began following the sport a few years ago when we watched Wimbledon with a visiting friend. Commentators mentioned that medical staff for the players avoid giving many details on injuries; this seems logical as it would give an advantage to the opponent. When Andy Roddick was asked in an interview about his strategy for an upcoming match with Novak Djokovic’, he made a careless remark implying that Djokokvic’ had so many injuries that he would be easy to beat. We, ourselves, were startled at the words, as one of the things we’ve appreciated about the sport is an apparent higher level of conduct than in most sports; in pre and post games interviews that we’ve seen, it is standard that the athletes always compliment their opponents. Though Roddick later stated that the remark was only a joke, the offense soon made international headline news.

Most of us are fortunate enough that are words are not publicized by the press, but the results of such a remark paint a clear portrait for us. It was an opportunity in which immense character could have been displayed by the offender.

Djokovic’ and his family were deeply offended by the remark and his normal, fighting spirit was no where to be found in his last match of the Open; one could see a visible oppression on his spirit. We all fail, at times, with our words. Scripture says that, otherwise, we would be perfect people–meaning if we were so disciplined as to perfectly control our words, we would be perfect in all other areas of our lives as well. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

<b>Print This</b> Print This
Tags: , , , , , ,

Resentment in Your Significant Other

August 20th, 2008

Reading Level: Gratifying

As mentioned in a recent post, resentment or bitterness results from you not dealing with past hurts. But what can be done about resentment toward you in the person or persons closest to you?

First of all, remember you can only change yourself.

You cannot make the other person forgive you or reconcile; neither can you make him or her discuss the sources of the resentment, if they are not willing. By being wise and non-confrontational in your approach, hopefully you can create a non-threatening atmosphere that will allow your significant other to be willing to discuss the hurts which bred the resentment. If you are willing to listen to the criticism and accept it in a constructive way, even if the communication toward you is not necessarily in the most pleasant of form, you will have examples to work with to make needed changes on your end. If the person is absolutely unwilling to talk at this time, you have to begin with expressing your sorrow for causing him hurt, and make changes in any areas in which you are already aware that have caused resentment. In other words, begin by not adding to the resentment that already exists, making changes to your habits or personality which you already know are offensive to your loved one.

To more easily identify problem areas, let’s take a look again at what causes resentment.

Not Confronting Boundary Violations – Due to childhood environment, some people have a very difficult time saying, “No,” for a variety of reasons:

-Especially in religious circles, people are often made to feel that they can never say “No;” they are told that a “No” response is always unloving and selfish instead of self-sacrificing. However, in Matthew 18:15 and following, God very specifically says that if someone wrongs you, you are to clearly let the person know so that he can change. Verse 17 also makes it clear that if the person is unwilling to stop the inappropriate behavior or abuse, you should distance yourself from that person. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

<b>Print This</b> Print This
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Resentment & Anger Management

August 1st, 2008

Reading Level: Gratifying

Resentment not dealt with is a roadblock to emotional and physical healing.

Resentment usually results from a lack of dealing with conflicts. This doesn’t necessarily mean you must resolve the conflict with the other person; sometimes, that isn’t possible, especially if the person is volatile or hostile. However, you must deal with your feelings toward the past conflict in your own mind. As will be mentioned later in this post, emotional and physical ailments result from not coming to terms with past events and dealing with your resentment.

The first step in ridding yourself of resentment is to own up to your own choices.

As the old saying goes, “It takes two to tangle.” By admitting to the mistakes you made in the situation, it enables you to stop the blame game-to stop your focus of solely blaming the other person for your problems. This does not condone the other person’s harmful behavior toward you. This does not mean that you pretend that such behavior is wrong. However, instead of being focused on solely blaming the other person, you take responsibility for your own poor choices. For example, maybe you chose to get into an abusive relationship by ignoring the warning signs. Or, maybe the conflict arose because you insisted on discussing a difficult topic when you knew the other person was too tired or ill. Or, if you are a compliant dealing with a controlling person, you need to admit that you “allowed” the other person to control you and did something that you later resented when, instead, you should have set boundaries by refusing to do what you knew was not in your best interest. If your resentment stems from being over-giving to loved ones or over-involved in a good cause, again you need to Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

<b>Print This</b> Print This
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Handling Controlling Behavior by Realizing Your Compliant Personality

July 23rd, 2008

Reading Level: Very Impassioned

By the most basic definition, a compliant person melts into the demands and needs of other people to avoid the conflicts that would arise if he stood up for his own needs and desires.

We had a post a few weeks ago in answer to readers’ questions called, “Recognizing a Controlling Person.” Since then, readers have asked for clarification on the opposite personality type/boundary problem called compliant personality/compliance. There are obviously more than 2 personality types in the world, but among family, friends, and acquaintances, these 2 types seem to be very apparent, especially since opposites attract.

A compliant personality often leaves a person feeling defenseless against the demands of others and frustrated by the lack of fulfilling his own desires. A compliant person is unable to say “No” when a controlling person’s demands are unreasonable, against his own conscience, or hindering the progress of his own goals and the fulfillment of his own needs. Controlling people recognize a compliant person and easily manipulate him to conform to whatever the controller’s demands are by the use of guilt, manipulating circumstances, or even verbal or physical abuse.

When a compliant needs to say “No” to someone, a large number of fears typically make him incapable of doing so. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

<b>Print This</b> Print This
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Recognizing Controlling People

July 1st, 2008

Reading Level: Very Impassioned

How do we recognize controlling people to stop the infringement of personal boundaries?

This is in response to a reader’s question. People with compliant personalities ( basically a personality that feels guilty for standing up for itself) are often “run over” in life by people with controlling personalities. Often the compliant person doesn’t even realize why he, or she, struggles with so much guilt and resentment, guilt for not wanting to do what the controller says and resentment for giving in and doing what is against his own conscience or goals. Since a compliant personality feels compelled by guilt to give in to the aggression or manipulation of the controller, he doesn’t always even realize that the other person is creating these problems. Other times a compliant does realize it, but just doesn’t have the emotional strength to stand up to the person. A compliant person must learn to deal with his or her own weaknesses and the lack of determination to stand up for his boundaries; he must determine to be true to the person that he is and how he wants to live his life, making his own decisions and taking responsibility for them. I needed to give you that background on the compliant personality to understand the relationship between a controller and a compliant. However, since the reader question was on identifying controllers, that will be the focus today. My definitions of the 2 types of controlling people and other illustrations are taken from Cloud and Townsend’s “Boundaries” book, pp. 54-55. Full book information is at the end of the post.

Controllers are people who cannot hear a “No” answer.

The example Cloud and Townsend use is of the phrase common to sales training, “No” means “Maybe” and “Maybe” means “Yes.” This attitude can make an effective salesman, but it is quite harmful to personal relationships. The primary problem of a controller who refuses to accept another person telling him, “No,” is that he is refusing to take responsibility for his own life. He is continually controlling others in various ways to convince them to take care of responsibilities in life that he should be taking care of himself. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

<b>Print This</b> Print This
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Defining Harmful Behavior

June 6th, 2008

Reading Level: Leisurely

A reader asked, “Define harmful behavior.” There are many ways one can define or recognize the harmful behavior of others in your life, or even behavior of your own that is harmful to others or yourself, but the easiest way is to evaluate the results.

God says that real love does not do harm to another person, so living according to real love causes a person to completely obey all the laws of God due to living a loving lifestyle (Rom. 10:13). Thus, a person who truly loves you will not consistently live a lifestyle that brings harmful results in your life. Granted, we all lose our tempers at time and say or do things that later we have to apologize for, but the key difference is whether or not a person brings more harm than good.

Let’s take a look at how to evaluate behavior by the results. Immerse Yourself in the Full Healing Contemplation Here »

<b>Print This</b> Print This
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,


Web Informer Button