Attracting the favor you need and desire in your life this year is contingent upon believing you will receive it.

Though the “Law of Attraction” may be a contemporary term, the concept is an ageless one. We have discussed at times in the past the concept of the Law of Attraction, of believing that good will come to you and visualizing it. God Himself, in His covenant with Abraham, asked him to believe for the fulfillment of Abraham’s “impossible” dream for a son when Sarah was over 75 and to visualize the stars in the sky as being his numerous descendents. (See the post Visualizing Your Dreams)

A few months ago, I was doing a word study on the concept of favor, as I was in need of favor during an upcoming business transaction. I was truly amazed at how frequently favor is promised by God and how much it is a part of His covenant with mankind.

I want each of you to believe this year for the favor you both need and desire from your relationships/interactions with God and people.

As you read through the quotes below, visualize the favor spoken of as being yours. Put your name into the quotes. Begin the year believing that you already have the favor of God and will grow in your favor with people, regardless of the circumstance. Continue throughout this year to believe and visualize that you are a person of favor and receive the favor that is yours!

I will look on you with favor and make you fruitful and increase your numbers, and I will keep my covenant with you. Le 26:9

O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of this your servant…Give your servant success today by granting him favor in the presence of this man. Ne 1:11

You will arise and have compassion, for it is time to show favor to her; the appointed time has come. Ps 102:13

Now God had caused the official to show favor and sympathy to him. Da 1:9

God says, “In the time of my favor I heard you, in the day of salvation I helped you.” Now is the time of God’s favor, now is the day of salvation. 2Co 6:2 [Remember the Hebrew term for salvation includes deliverance, aid, victory, prosperity, health, and welfare; the Greek term includes rescue, safety (physically or morally), preservation, healing, and soundness.]

…Praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. Ac 2:47

A good person obtains favor from the LORD. Pr 12:2

You will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. Pr 3:4

…Proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor. Isa 61:2

For surely, O LORD, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield. Ps 5:12

He prays to God and finds favor with Him… he is restored by God… Job 33:26

…God’s favor lasts a lifetime. Ps 30:5

The LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold… Ps 84:11

She won the favor of everyone who saw her. Es 2:15

Then he sought the LORD’s favor, and the LORD listened to him, for God saw how severely the king was oppressing them. 2Ki 13:4

The LORD was with him; He showed him kindness and granted him favor. Ge 39:21

You have said, “I know you by name and you have found favor with Me.” Ex 33:12

And the boy continued to grow… in favor with the LORD and with men. 1Sa 2:26

Though most everyone is aware of the old expression, acting on it truly empowers your life.

Like the old expression of whether a glass is half full or half empty, how you daily perceive your life, as either half full or half empty, will determine whether you empower yourself to succeed and be happy or drain the very life force (energy-wise) from your day-to-day existence.

Grasping the urgency of this concept can be a key factor to restoration.

I have been recently talking with a friend who has not yet grasped the urgency of this concept in bringing restoration to his life.  He was in a very abusive family relationship. The controlling, self-motivated spouse lived a destructive lifestyle that deeply affected every member of that family. Eventually, even the children as they became adults began to adopt many of her user/abuser behavior traits. Eventually, my friend’s life came completely crashing down around him with the loss of his physical and emotional health, self worth, career, and financial stability. He has been out of the household for about 8 months, though career issues and financial problems caused by the relationship aren’t remedied by a geographic change. The effects from the amount of time – 20 years – in such a abusive relationship are not easily or quickly corrected. Yet, day after day, my friend beats himself down in his thoughts by focusing on what has not yet been restored, i.e. a healthy family setting, new career, and freedom from debt.

By focusing on the “half full” in his journey to restoration, my friend could be living in a state of joy that would bring energy, creativity, vision, motivation, and awareness of good opportunities to his daily life.

Those of us around him can rejoice in the tremendous healings that have visibly taken place: his physical health is doing well, his personality and sense of humor have returned, he has free time/personal time, he is now surrounded by people who deeply love and support him instead of drain him and abuse him. These aspects alone would bring great consolation to many people who are in situations needing improvement. It could to him, too, if he would only allow it.

The decision to focus on what is not yet resolved will drain the life force from anyone’s day, making difficult any type of effectiveness and clarity of perception. In addition, staying focused on the problem causes you to only see the problem, not the solutions.

Look at these examples of life benefits from focusing on the “half full.”

The decision to focus on the “half full” part of my friend’s life would:

– bring joy resulting in greater physical, emotional, and spiritual energy
– cause him to believe that the unresolved issues can also be overcome
–bring him motivation to change the things immediately within his power to change
–enable him to envision greater achievements than in the present state of mind
– attract other “half full” perspective people to his life who’s creativity and effectiveness would (1) assist him and (2) inspire him
– bring peace that restoration is taking place and will come to completion
– greatly improve his self worth and sense of purpose

To live in the benefits of a life “half full” philosophy, you must decide that your wellness and restoration are more important than self pity.

Self pity is always destructive. Choose instead to love yourself enough to empower yourself for wellness and restoration. A life “half full” perspective enables you to believe that “fullness” will come. Restore to your life now the energy, creativity, effectiveness that will blossom under a “half full” mentality.

Everyone wants to love and be loved; making some small changes can greatly improve your relationships and the quality of your love.

Richard Carlson, PhD, has perfected the art of quick, practical tips to improve your life with his “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” series of books. His books have been bestsellers for years. He and his wife co-wrote “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love.” I would recommend this book to anyone, even if you are single, as it will do wonders for your interpersonal relationships. See the ISBN in the footnotes to read his full book.

Here are a few easy-to-understand, easy to implement phrased points from Dr. Carlson’s book for improving the quality of your love:

1. Don’t Do the Same Things and Expect Different Results: That’s an old saying we are all familiar with but it is the same in love relationships. If you know you react negatively in certain situations — overreacting, lashing out, knee-jerk reactions — and then suffer disappointing and negative responses in return, you have to choose to use new responses that will bring healthy results.

2. Avoid Correcting Each Other: This point is not referring to an isolated incident but the habit of publicly correcting the person you love when it is absolutely unnecessary. It is disrespectful and damaging to the relationship. Are not the feelings of the person you love more important than technicalities? Most all people resent being corrected. Unless it is of extreme importance, keep the correction to yourself.

3. Stop Rehearsing Unhappiness: This tip has the power to improve your relationships almost instantly! “Rehearsing unhappiness” is when a thought comes to mind of a past argument and you start replaying it in your mind; before long, all those feelings swarm back. You can also “rehearse unhappiness” by allowing your thoughts to multiply while dwelling on a suspicion or weaknesses in your relationship. It happens so fast that one usually does not realize it is happening. The self-created frustration then gets taken out on your partner. The solution is simple – catch yourself and drop those thoughts.

4. Be Consistently Grateful: Dr. Carlson says that few things nourish a relationship like gratitude and few things doom it like the lack of it. Gratitude keeps your heart receptive to the gifts of life, keeps you feeling satisfied, keeps problems in perspective, and immunizes you from your partner’s little quirks. Develop your attitude of gratitude by taking your focus off what is wrong and replacing it with a focus on what is right.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love , Richard Carlson PhD ISBN#0-7868-8420-7
Points 1-4 were paraphrased from:
1. p. 156
2. pp. 129-131
3. pp. 121-122
4. pp. 146-147

An important principle of success is staying more focused on the goal than the present obstacles or even the steps to reaching it.

I was reminded of this principle while working toward the completion of all the necessary seasonal responsibilities in my garden. I have quite extensive gardens with a large variety of plants, including over 30 antique rose bushes. Though I have always enjoyed gardening, this time of year’s seasonal requirements get very overwhelming as it takes about 3 months to complete due to other life responsibilities. The care and upkeep is probably too extensive for this time in life, but, when we designed and planted it 15 years ago, it was not possible to foresee the changes in career, family responsibilities, and physical energy in the future. It is a temptation to cause myself continual displeasure by solely viewing all the tasks yet undone rather than staying focused on the forthcoming end result and enjoying the present pleasures my garden during the process of the oiling, fertilizing, pruning, and mulching to reach the goal; it will become a healthy, lush garden that is a delight to the eyes and a joy to share with friends and family.

Here are some results of staying more focused on the end goal than the present obstacles or process:

1. You will maintain a level emotional state of joy and fulfillment, knowing the end of the process will come; you will live the fulfillment of that goal.

2. A clearer focus of your future goals/objectives allows you to be more effective in your present decisions with regard to the future goal.

3. You will maintain a higher energy level when focused daily on the final goal rather than the overall process to achieve it.

Many realms of practical life prove the benefit of staying focused on the goal or end result.

Life coaches, motivational speakers, and business instructors all tell us to “write out” the goals we want to achieve, write out the plan we envision, even the restoration that we need. Writing develops a clear mental picture of the desired end. In turn, this process enables one to notice relevant, beneficial opportunities related to the goal and make wiser decisions to reach the goal all due to staying daily focused on the end picture. It is the Law of Attraction in action.

The benefits of this principle of focusing on the goal flow into more aspects of one’s life than we are usually aware of–personal goals, financial goals, career changes, restoration–but even in the little things. Remember drivers’ education class? When teaching Interstate driving, they instruct you to focus on where the road meets the horizon; if, instead, you only look at the few cars in front of you or a short distance of the open road in front of you, your driving will be unsteady and erratic. You will weave back and forth unknowingly and overcompensate in decisions. It is the same in every aspect of one’s life. Staying focused on the goal will keep you from being unsteady and erratic, wavering from the desired goal, and overcompensating in decisions.

Instruction on one’s spiritual journey also involves a clear, constant focus on the goals.

This principle should be added to your daily spiritual life. Do not settle for where you are. There are greater, unknown aspects waiting to be discovered with your spiritual life and communication levels with God. Grow and benefit by setting goals and keeping them in focus. Here are quotes from Scripture instructing you to approach spiritual life and growth like a runner in a race, free from distractions and hindrances, focused on the clear goal:

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. Phil 3:13-15

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training…Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly…so that I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. 1 Cor. 9:24-27

Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Heb. 12:1

Famous literary authors have encouraged people through generations to “focus on the goal.”

Though Ralph Waldo Emerson is well-known for his quote, “Life is a journey, not a destination,” encouraging people to enjoy each day of life as opposed to only allowing oneself to enjoy achievements, he also promoted keeping one’s destination in view.

To finish the moment, to find the journey’s end in every step of the road, to live the greatest number of good hours, is wisdom.  Ralph Waldo Emerson

Orison Swett Marden, known for his philosophies on one’s thoughts influencing his life and circumstances, pointed out the determining factor in the success of focusing on the goal:

We advance on our journey only when we face our goal, when we are confident and believe we are going to win out.  Orison Swett Marden

Believe that you will reach your goals, spiritually, financially, relationally, or otherwise. Then keep daily focus on those goals. Rather than feeling overwhelmed by the trip or any apparent lack of progress, you can live effectively and experience greater joy knowing that each day is a day closer to your heart’s desires.

Many People are on a Search for Personal Power.

No one wants to feel helpless. It is even common for people involved in spiritual searches through a variety of religions to be motivated by a desire for spiritual personal power. The validity of a search or desire for power is often questioned. Everyone has seen situations in which power corrupts. One may wonder whether power can ever be good. In this post, we’ll discuss that question, as well as the safeguards and motivations for power.

The Validity of Power

There is a type of power that we are all to experience, a power that is to be influential in each of our realms of existence. Though this is revealed through several quotes, I’ll use the most direct one first.

I pray that you will have greater understanding in your heart so you will know the hope to which God has called us…His immeasurable, unlimited, and surpassing power in and for us who believe. It is the same mighty power He used when He raised Christ from the dead. Eph. 1:18-20

This quote is by the apostle Paul, author of the majority of the New Testament and considered by theologians to be the greatest leader in the Early Church. His prayer was that each person would have a greater understanding (some translations “enlightened”) to know that the same immeasurable power that raised Jesus from the dead is a power that is “in” us and “for” us who believe in God. A limitless power that can return a dead, decaying body to life inside us, and for us to use, is beyond most people’s hope or expectations.

In another place, Paul speaks of his own personal search to know the resurrection power of God:

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection. Phil. 3:10

My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power. 1 Cor. 2:4

If these quotes by the apostle Paul do not eliminate your doubts as to whether or not God intended us to have power, here are three quotes  from Jesus Himself.

Jesus replied, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God.” Matt. 22:29

I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions [referring to evil spiritual forces] and to overcome all the power of the enemy [satan]; nothing will harm you. Lk. 10:19

I have glorified You down here on the earth by completing the work that You gave Me to do…I have sent them into the world, just as You sent Me into the world. Jn. 17:4

In the first quote, Jesus was telling religious leaders that they were in doctrinal error due to a lack of knowledge in both the Scriptures and the power of God. In the next quote, Jesus expresses to His followers that His delegated power in them can overcome the spiritual powers of evil forces. It takes power to overcome power. Lastly, in John 17, Jesus is praying to Father God, saying that He completed the work He was supposed to do on earth and is sending people to do the same work that He did, “just as You sent Me…”

The Purpose of Power

The purpose that God intends for His limitless power, resurrection power, to be in us and for us, is in itself a type of safeguard, though we will discuss that in a moment. Power’s purpose is to continue doing for people what Jesus did for people while here on earth. Jesus said,

I have set the example, and you should do for each other exactly what I have done for you. Jn. 13:15

What was the whole course of Jesus’ public life? Healing all that were sick, casting out demons, raising the dead, forgiving sins, restoring ruined lives, healing broken hearts. (Lk. 4:36; 6:19; Acts 10:38; Matt. 4:24;15:30)

Even during his time of public travel, Jesus gave His power to those closest to Him and sent them out to do the same things He was doing. See here:

When Jesus had called the Twelve together, He gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases. Lk. 9:1

They drove out many demons and anointed many sick people with oil and healed them. Mk. 6:13

The Proof of Pure Power

What then is the proof that someone is using power in a pure way, as opposed to a corrupt way? The proof is, first, in their lifestyle and, second, in the consistency of it. Is the person’s lifestyle replicating or reproducing the positive effects on humanity that the power of Jesus did? If so, is the person doing good with consistency as Jesus did?

Jesus made an outstanding statement regarding the opportunity for His power to work through us, but it is conditional.

I will do for you whatever you shall ask in My Name. If you really love Me, you will obey My commands. Jn. 14:14,15

God is willing to let His resurrection power work through us, doing whatever good we ask, as long as we truly love Him, which is shown by living in obedience to His commands. God’s commands are intended for the provision and protection of a happy, fulfilling, and effective life for each of mankind. Any desire, thought, or action that would violate an “abundant” life for yourself or another person would be in violation of God’s commands. Limitless power is not safe in the hands of someone who violates God’s principles; therefore, God makes the stipulation that His willingness to do whatever we ask is based on obedience to His type of lifestyle, one that provides and protects.

The commitment to using power to live in the same lifestyle as Jesus, having the same effects as Jesus on mankind, is in itself a safeguard over the use of power:

For God called you to do good…He is your example, and you must follow in His steps. 1 Pet.2:21

You must “follow in His steps” by following Jesus’ lifestyle example of doing good, not harm, of healing and restoring lives through the use of God’s power.

Power’s Ultimate Safeguard

Finally, the ultimate safeguard over a misuse or corruption of power is the law of love. A motivation of love for mankind is to be the ultimate, guiding principle for thoughts, words, and actions. That is why Jesus said that the greatest commandment is loving God and then mankind, that all the commands of God could be kept by obeying the guiding principle of love (Matt. 22:36-40).

Love is often defined by people in many different ways. However, Jesus made clear how He defines love:

Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples-when they see the love you have for each other. Jn. 13:34

Living by a motivation of love means that one lives the same loving lifestyle that Jesus did, one that was healing and restoring to people’s lives, not destructive.

God desires His limitless resurrection power to flow through us, influencing the realm of each of our existence, just as Jesus did. As we follow His lifestyle through a motivation of love, we can see God’s power in and for us bringing phenomenal healing and restoration to our own lives, and the lives of those around us.

Table of contents for Freeing Yourself from Abusive Relationships

1. Practical Steps to Free Yourself
2. Spiritual Guidelines to Stay Free

Reading Level: Gratifying

Those in abusive relationships frequently live in a state of confusion and hopelessness or blaming God for not helping them because they are unable to identify why continual destruction takes place in their lives.

Unfortunately, one is usually unaware of how his daily choices, lack of boundaries, and violating of spiritual and natural laws open the doors for harm to repeatedly come to him. Today I want to help you identify areas of your life that may be “opening the door” to harm in your circumstances and relationships. If you can begin seeing where you are violating spiritual boundaries or guidelines that God set up for your own protection, you can avoid the pitfalls, protect your life, and fulfill your destiny.

A person who continually faces destruction in his life often feels that he is being loving “like God” by giving in to controlling people and not having boundaries to protect his life and destiny.

This person often becomes bitter and blames God for the hardships he or she is suffering, but it is not God that has caused these things. God is not just “loving,” He IS Iove itself. There is a difference. He is perfect love and His perfect love includes boundaries, natural and spiritual laws, correction, and justice for the sake of our protection and well-being. To have real love and beneficial results in one’s daily life and relationships, you must implement God’s type of love, a real love that has boundaries and protection built into it.

A person would not blame God for self-imposed harm that came to someone who chose to violate the laws of nature. Yet, whether or not you implement spiritual laws for daily relationships is also a decision to avoid or cause self-imposed harm.

Here is an illustration. If someone chooses to violate the natural law of gravity by jumping off a skyscraper and bringing destruction to his or her physical body, you would not blame God for the result of their choice. God did not do it to them. The person chose to violate a natural law and it resulted in personal harm. God lists in Scripture many practical, daily guidelines (I’m going to call them spiritual laws as compared to laws of nature), which are given to help us be wise in our relationships with people, particularly those who are controlling or potentially harmful to us. People often violate these laws for one of three reasons:

–A lack of knowledge. They have never received instruction on the subject.

–They know about them but mistakenly feel that compromise is a loving choice because it is what the controlling person wants them to do.

–The person is so worn out by surrounding themselves with “leech” type people instead of giving people that they do not have the strength to fight for their personal rights, well-being, and fulfillment of destiny.

By stating the following spiritual guidelines as what should be avoided, it will be easier for you to identify if you already have violations of these spiritual guidelines affecting your relationships with people, and make changes necessary to bring restoration to your life. My comments on the spiritual laws will be in brackets and italics.

Avoid Selfish People:
Jas. 3:16 For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. (NIV)

Avoid Strife-Causing People:
Jas. 3:16 For where envying and strife are, there is confusion, unrest, disharmony, and all sorts of evil and vile practices. (AMP) [Notice that self-seeking people and those who cause strife create an environment filled with evil and confusion. As a result, close associations with these type of people will bring destructive circumstances into your life and difficulty in making good decisions.]

Avoid Worrying and Those Who Create Worrisome Situations:
Mr. 4:18-20 Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. [Those whose actions consistently cause you worry and create worrisome situations in your life will also drain you of energy and make your life "unfruitful" or unproductive.]

Avoid Associations or Situations Devoid of Integrity:
Prov. 10:2 Treasures of wickedness profit nothing, but righteousness, moral and spiritual rectitude [goodness and integrity] in every area and relation, delivers from death. [Just as this proverb states that a person whose character contains goodness and integrity in every aspect and relationship of his or her lifestyle delivers from "death," so the opposite is also true. Close associations with those devoid of goodness and integrity in every aspect of their person and relationships will cause death {circumstances destructive to life} not only in their own lives, but in your life.]

Avoid Close Association with Foolish Speaking People:
Prov. 10:10 The lips of the foolish will lead to ruin but he who boldly reproves makes peace. [Speaking foolishly yourself or close association with someone who does results in unnecessary harm.]

Avoid Those who Refuse Correction:
Prov. 10:17 He who heeds instruction and correction is not only himself in the way of life but also is a way of life for others. And he who neglects or refuses reproof not only himself goes astray but also causes to err and is a path toward ruin for others. [Some people live a lifestyle of refusing to accept good instruction. Neither will they take responsibility for the fact that their poor choices are the source of their problems; someone else is always to blame. Notice that God instructs that such a person not only brings ruin on himself/herself, but also causes ruin to come to those around them.]

Avoid Speaking Death over Any Area of Life:
Prov. 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue. [Rather than speak about how bad a situation is, speak how it should be. Even with your physical health, the body responds to your words. When you say, "I am sick," you are commanding your body to be, or stay, ill. Instead, if you say, "I am recovering," you are telling your body to heal itself. Either way, your body responds to your words. According to this proverb, the positive or negative aspect of your words affect the entire outcome of your life, either positively or negatively. To read my post with the information on how your words affect the nerves in your brain, click here to read "Healing Words."]

Avoid “Bad Boy Syndrome” in Relationships:
Jn. 3:16, “For God so loved that He gave…” [God loves, so He gives. Seek relationships of God-like givers, not user/abusers. I have seen friends who choose loving, giving people to be their life-long friends, but always pick controllers, users, or abusers to be romantically involved with as a husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend. Realize that the good, giving-type people you know you need as friends must be the same type of people with whom you choose to have a life-long, intimate relationship.]

Avoid All Decisions Based on Fear and/or Withdrawal of Love:
[If you missed my post on how various fears in your personal relationships can cause poor decisions, click here to read "Motivation Check." ]

Avoid a Poverty Mindset:
Ps. 35:27 Shout for joy and be glad and say continually, “Let the Lord be magnified, who takes pleasure in the prosperity of me, His servant.” [Just as your words produce death or life, so do negative or positive thoughts. What you believe determines your frame of mind and whether you are able to receive good from people, as well as whether you are able to notice beneficial opportunities. God instructs us to continually speak out loud with a mindset of joy that God takes pleasure or delight in our lives prospering in all its facets.]

Avoid Leeches Financially, Spiritually , Emotionally, Time-wise, Sleep-wise, and Energy-wise:
Prov. 30:15 “The leech has two daughters. ‘Give! Give!’ they cry. “There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, ‘Enough!’” [This is an unusual proverb, but it means, if you allow it, there will be people in your life who are like "leeches;" no matter how much you give, they expect more of you and are never satisfied with the amount of your giving. Like a blood-sucking leech, such people will drain all of the life out of you-physically, financially, spiritually, etc.]

Avoid Condoning Violations of Spiritual Laws in Your Household:
2 Thes. 3:10 For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: “If a man will not work, he shall not eat.”

Prov. 18:9 He who is loose and slack in his work is brother to him who is a destroyer and he who does not use his endeavors to heal himself is brother to him who commits suicide. [These 2 verses show that it is morally wrong, a violation of God's standards, for you to support someone who refuses to work even though they are able. This concept is further explained in the next quote.]

Gal. 6:2-5 Bear one another’s burdens… But let each man test his own work, and then he will take pride in himself. For each man will carry his own load. [The word, "burdens," refers to a boulder-type obstacle, something impossible for an individual to handle. It is a situation that needs outside assistance; still, realize that you as an individual cannot handle the other person's overwhelming problem on your own instead of them either. This shows it is not morally acceptable before God for the other person to expect you to solve his problems-or make a living for him. In the same context, verse 5 says, "for each one should carry his own load." "Load" in the original Greek means a difficulty which is comparable to a backpack. In other words, in God's view, every person is responsible for the problems he or she can "carry" or take care of himself or herself.]

Gal. 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. [Do not violate the spiritual law of sowing and reaping in a person's life. It will actually harm both you and the other person. If a person takes responsibility to plant corn, and fertilize, and water, he should "reap" or eat of the harvest--the results of his responsibility. If he was too lazy to plant the corn, or planted it and then gave up on his responsibilities to nurture it, he should "reap" what he did--nothing. When you take over and keep the irresponsible person from "reaping" the discomfort or financial lack from his actions, you cause him to stay irresponsible. God established both natural and spiritual laws of sowing and reaping to protect you from abuse, as well as to protect the irresponsible person from his own harmful tendencies. If he or she "reaps" continual discomfort or financial lack from their behavior, it becomes motivational for him or her to change.]

Avoid Self-Condemnation:
Rom. 8:1 There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus, who live not after the desires of the flesh but the desires of the Spirit. [Due to the weariness that comes from extended trying circumstances, everyone has an occasional day when, emotionally, they feel discouraged, hopeless, unable to be strong for other people, etc. You make a difficult situation even harder if you listen to the negatives voices in your mind which bring self­-condemnation for not staying perfectly hopeful and strong. I heard a great word of encouragement the other day from Joel Osteen. He said, "Even Jesus fell down under the weight of His cross. He fell on the way to His victory." In the Romans 8 quote, God says that He does not condemn the person who has received forgiveness and reconciliation to Him through Jesus; this means the voices of condemnation are never from God and need to be cast out of your thought-life.

Also, just as in any healthy relationship, if the other person realizes an offense and sincerely apologizes, you forgive and go on without harboring bitterness or repeatedly bringing up the offense. Since God desires to exist in a healthy relationship with each of us, when you ask forgiveness, He truly does forgive and forget. Realizing this fact, you must not allow your imagination to think that God is continuing to punish you through your circumstances; neither should you continue to beat yourself down with guilt.]

Avoid Leaving the Sheep Gate Open:
John 10:1-5 [In this passage, Jesus clearly says that there is to be a fence of protection with a protective gate and a watchman that opens it for "good pasture" but closes it to keep out the thief, lions, bears, all that harm His sheep. It is your responsibility to "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (Pr 4:23) Most everything harmful to your body, spirit, mind, emotions, destiny, finances, etc. starts with words and actions from other people that come into your mind and begin harming your thoughts and resulting choices. Not guarding yourself from such people's influence will result in harm to all the various aspects of your life, just as if a shepherd left the sheep gate open or without a watchman to guard it. You must be an efficient watchman over the gate to your life! You must keep the fence intact. God expects you to protect your life from harmful, controlling, abusive people. When you allow harm in and keep the beneficial out, you violate the spiritual law of the sheep gate. Harm will come in all areas of your life if you live a fenceless, gateless life toward people that harm you.]

Avoid Compromise of Righteousness:
Prov. 10:11 The mouth of the [uncompromisingly] righteous man is a well of life. [Not compromising what you know is good and right for you and your God-given destiny brings a fulfilling life. The opposite is also true and must be avoided. Compromising what you know to be wisdom or what you know are healthy spiritual laws will cut off the open doors and paths that lead to your destiny-- the fulfillment of your life purpose.]

Table of contents for Freeing Yourself from Abusive Relationships

1. Practical Steps to Free Yourself
2. Spiritual Guidelines to Stay Free

Reading Level: Gratifying

Have you ever wished for a plan of action to get out of the abusive relationships in your life?

There is a step by step plan in an exceptional article written by Dr. Joseph Carver, Psychologist, explaining how to free yourself from controlling people and/or abusive people. Dr. Carver says that most people fail trying to get out of abusive relationships because “they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources.” Dr. Carver is a reputable psychologist whose articles on Love and the Stockholm Syndrome and the article we will discuss in this post are used by counseling groups across the globe.

Dr. Carver says that there are 3 necessary stages in freeing yourself from abusive and controlling people: The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection. These are only brief, paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Carver’s article. Please use the link here or below to read his article in full so that you have all the practical steps, information, and confidence you need to free yourself and start over on a new healthy path to a life that fulfills the God-given destiny for your existence!

Stage 1: The Detachment

-The abuser will have caused you isolation by methods such as controlling the finances, modes of transportation, etc. Pay attention to methods the controller is using to isolate you from freedom and help.

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, and share less feelings. The goal is to lessen the abuser’s emotional attachment to you.

- Quietly contact your family and friends to determine who can provide a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc. [An added note, only contact those who will keep your plans absolutely confidential.]

- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options.

- Slowly remove your valuables from the home. You may lose some personal items.

- Stop arguing. Stop defending and explaining yourself. Express that you are too stressed or confused to know why you are doing anything anymore.

- Drop hints that you are burned out and confused about your life. The abuser never takes responsibility for problems in any relationship and will feel better about ending it if they can put blame on you.

- Don’t start another relationship. The controller will quickly find another victim and become attached if you “lay low.”

- When the abuser/controller questions your new behavior, continue to confess confusion about your life in as boring a manner as possible. This sets the foundation for getting out.

Stage 2: Ending the Relationship

Since the abuser or controller does not take personal responsibility and would respond with anger to any criticism, your new behavior described in the detachment must continue while ending the relationship.

- While continuing to act burned out and confused, Dr. Carver says to express that “I can’t feel anything for anybody and I want to end the relationship for your benefit. I’m not right for anyone at this point in my life.”

- If “The Loser” panics, and responds acts of appreciation, react to each with a boring word thanks. If you overreact or give in, you’ve lost control again.

- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don’t agree to options for negotiating. The controller will contact you as long as they feel they can manipulate you.

- Realize the abuser/controller will try to make you feel guilty for a large variety of things. Again, do not be moved. Respond in a boring manner.

- Do not waste time trying to explain your feelings. Your feelings are irrelevant to the abuser. Explaining gives more opportunity for him to cause guilt and manipulation.

- Don’t fall for sudden changes in behavior by the controller. You know how he or she is normally and they will always return to the abusive behavior.

- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of family/friends. You will need the assistance but keep it confidential from the abuser.

- Don’t use terms like “someday”, “maybe”, or “in the future” with the relationship. The controller will put more pressure on you. Dr. Carver gives the example of how a slot machine that gives a small winning keeps a person hopeful. Stay stern, stable, [and boring] about ending the relationship with no hope of reconciliation. If you waver at all, the abuser will continue pressure. If there is no “pay off,” he or she will move on.

Stage 3: Follow-up Protection

Remember that the abuser or controller never sees himself as having a problem. He or she may think you are going through a phase and contact you after the relationship is terminated.

- Never change your original position that it’s permanently over!

- Don’t agree to meetings to discuss old times. This is his or her way to upset you.

- Do not discuss any personal information about your new life or relationships. Only mention unimportant talk, as one would with any person on the phone that you don’t want to talk to. Say that his or her life and your life are both private.

- If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad “Loser”, provide only a status report, much like you’d provide to marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else.

- When the abuser or control says how difficult the breakup has been, share general thoughts only, such as, “Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. I’m sure we’ll eventually find someone that’s right for both of us.”

- Keep all contact short and sweet – the shorter the better. Always be “on your way out the door” or cooking something, etc. Wish the person well but again in a boring, emotionally detached manner. Gadgets that produces about twenty sounds – a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. – are a great way to keep the conversation short.

Each of us need relationships that provide us with life-long love and security.

This is an excerpt from Dr. Carver’s concluding remarks in his article. Again, please use the link below to read his full article.

In all of our relationships throughout life, we will meet a variety of individuals with many different personalities. Some are a joy to have in our lives and some provide us with life-long love and security. Others we meet pose some risk to us and our future due to their personality and attitudes. Continuing a relationship with “The Loser” will result in a relationship that involves intimidation, fear, angry outbursts, paranoid control, and a total loss of your self-esteem and self-confidence. If you have been involved in a long-term relationship with “The Loser”, after you successfully escape you may notice that you have sustained some psychological damage that will require professional repair. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counselors are available in your community to assist and guide you as you recover.

Please click here to read this excellent, life-saving article in full, Detaching from Controllers and Abusers, by Dr. Joseph Carver, Psychologist.

Whenever you set goals, the manifestation of the best goals-your goals for the ultimate restoration of your life-are achieved through a very common process: writing it out!

I recently mentioned to a friend about a common denominator that I came across while studying the success stories of people whose lives had endured complete collapse financially, physically, and career-wise. The recovery or life restoration of every person I have studied, both in the secular and religious worlds, resulted from a commitment to writing out a clear list of life goals. It sounds so simple. In many ways, it is. Yet it is absolutely vital to seeing the manifestation of your restoration. Whether the purpose of your goal setting is the complete restoration of a collapsed life, the reaching of some childhood dreams, or accomplishing your destiny, a clearly written list is still an absolute necessity.

This practical illustration reveals why the manifestation of your goals must go beyond just visualization.

Many people have probably seen the photos of the beach communities in Mississippi after Hurricane Katrina. The devastation looked must like that of an earthquake. Nothing could be seen for miles except complete rubble. Among those people who lost their homes, there was bound to be at least one architect or contractor.

An expert home builder may know all that there is to build himself a new home, but he will never begin the rebuilding without “writing it out,” without a blueprint. An expert builder who lost his home in that disaster may be able to see the image in his mind of the new home for the rebuilding, but he will not rebuild without that blueprint, without putting it in writing. And, to further the analogy, the expert builder may not know where all the funds for the rebuilding will come from, he may not know where all the labor for the rebuilding will come from, but he will still write out the plan for the rebuilding; he knows that the written plan is necessary first before any rebuilding can take place in the physical realm. In your life as well, rebuilding cannot take place, it cannot manifest, without the plan for rebuilding being written out.

History even records that the rebuilding of nations came from writing out the plans.

I came across a text the other day that affirmed how even the nation of Israel wrote out a plan and commitment of restoration during the rebuilding of Jerusalem in 430 BC, which we will look at as a pattern. However, even in my own nation’s history, the Declaration of Independence was not just a vision, but a written plan, a blueprint for the re-structuring and rebuilding of a nation. I found several interesting parallels in the rebuilding of Jerusalem that are helpful to each of us in the rebuilding of our lives, i.e. seeing the manifestation of our needs, dreams, and goals. The text is from Nehemiah chapter 9; Nehemiah is one of my favorite historical characters.

1. They took a significant amount of time in study and prayerful meditation. Notice that half of the day was spent in study of the Scriptures, prayer, and worship.

And they stood in their place and read from the Book of the Law of the Lord their God for a fourth of the day, and for another fourth of it they confessed and worshiped the Lord…You found his heart faithful before You, and You made the covenant with him And You have fulfilled Your promise, for You are just and righteous. (Neh.9:3,8)

2. To visualize the plan of rebuilding, made it a point to focus on good times, not just failures.

They admitted their past failures and their present problems (I won’t list that part of the text here.) Though human tendency is to focus only on the negatives while seeing the need to rebuild, they focused on good things that took place, interventions of God in past circumstances, which were a reminder of positive experiences in their relationship with Almighty God. To gain a proper perspective for rebuilding your life, be sure to focus on what good took place in the past, even if it was few and far between. Give yourself credit for good choices as well as thank God for the times you recognized His help.

You saw our fathers’ affliction…You heard their cry…You performed signs and wonders…You divided the sea before them, so that they went through its midst on dry land; You led them by day and …by night to light the way they should go. You came down also … and spoke with them…You gave them bread from heaven for their hunger and brought water for them out of the rock for their thirst; and You told them to go in and possess…You also gave Your good Spirit to instruct them…You sustained them …they lacked nothing…And they … took possession of houses full of all good things, cisterns hewn out, vineyards, olive orchards, and fruit trees in abundance. So they ate and were filled and … delighted themselves in Your great goodness…In the time of their suffering when they cried to You, You heard them …(Neh.9:9-13,15,20,21,25,27)

3. Admit to God about the struggles you are having–in circumstance, emotionally, and spiritually, and ask for His help.

Now therefore, our God… let not all the trouble and hardship seem little to You–the hardship that has come upon us…And we are in great distress…(Neh.9:32,37)

4. Take the results of the prayer, the meditation, the confession to God of what you need, and write out a detailed plan of what God has helped you visualize in your mind and spirit.

The needs and goals may vary and need to be altered or adapted from time to time, so a computer file makes it easy to do this, but I also like to keep a printed version handy that I can look at regardless of where I am during the day. The nation of Israel ended their time of visualization of the rebuilding of the city of Jerusalem, and essentially their lives, by writing out their plans and a commitment to them.

Because of all this, we make a firm and sure written covenant. (Neh.9:38)

Successful results will manifest from a clearly written plan of restoration.

At this point in time of history, the walls of Jerusalem were rebuilt in an amazing 52 days, despite great opposition from enemies outside the city and within their own ranks. The wall of the city, at that time, was a major necessity for the safety of the people during the normal routines of life. Regardless of any opposition you may face, from without or within your close daily associations (people), a clearly written plan of restoration will enable you to have clear, unfailing focus until the manifestation of your life restoration takes place.

Table of contents for Abusive Relationship Help

1. Abusive Relationships: What if You Still Love Them?
2. Abusive Relationships: Situations-Symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome
3. Abusive Relationships: How Friends and Family Can Help

This is Part 3 in the series. If you missed Part 1 and 2, please click the above links to read first.

Dr. Carver states that Stockholm Syndrome develops involuntarily-the victim does not purposely develop these feelings and responses. They are done to survive a threatening and controlling environment and relationship.

The victim’s self-worth and emotional health is so tied to the relationship that they believe that they would mentally collapse if the relationship ended. The more dysfunctional the situation, the more dysfunctional the victim’s adaptation to survive and make the relationship work. When the victim reaches the point of realizing that the relationship doesn’t work and can’t be fixed, they will need to loving support of family and friends to return to a healthy, positive lifestyle.

While each situation is different, Dr. Carver provides these guidelines for friends and family:

-Your contacts with your loved one may be met with anger and resentment. This is because each contact may prompt the abuser to attack them verbally or emotionally.

-It’s often best to establish predictable, scheduled contacts. Calling every Wednesday evening, just for a status report or to go over current events, is less threatening than random calls during the week. Random calls are always viewed as “checking up on us” calls. While you may encounter an answering machine, leave a polite and loving message.

-Remember that there are many channels of communication. It’s important that we keep a channel open if at all possible. Communication channels might include phone calls, letters, cards, and e-mail.

-Importantly, don’t discuss the relationship (the controller may be listening!) unless the victim brings it up.

-The goal of these scheduled calls is to maintain contact, remind your loved one that you are always there to help, and to quietly remind the controller that family and loved ones of the victim are nearby and haven’t disappeared.

-The victim needs to know and feel they are not rejected because of their behavior. They know they are being treated badly and/or controlled by their partner. Frequent reminders of this will only make them want less contact. We naturally avoid people who remind us of things or situations that are emotionally painful.

-Victims may slightly open the door and provide information about their relationship or hint they may be considering leaving. When the door opens, don’t jump through with the Marines behind you! Listen and simply offer support such as “You know your family is behind any decision you need to make and at any time you make it.”

-Try to remain calm and await an opportunity to show your love and support when your loved one needs it. As relatives or friends of a victim involved with a controller or abuser, our normal reaction is to consider dramatic action. We become angry, resentful, and aggressive at times. Any aggression toward the controller/abuser will result in additional difficulties for your loved one.

Click Here to Read the Full Article by Psychologist, Dr. Joseph Carver, Love and the Stockholm Syndrome.

Table of contents for Abusive Relationship Help

1. Abusive Relationships: What if You Still Love Them?
2. Abusive Relationships: Situations-Symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome
3. Abusive Relationships: How Friends and Family Can Help

A reader asked about how to move beyond an abusive relationship when you still feel love for that person.

This is actually a common feeling from people in abusive, or even just very controlling relationships. A prominent pastor’s wife in Atlanta filed for divorce when a relationship involving much emotional abuse evolved into a physical attack. She said that she still felt love toward him but decided to “take her love with her and leave” for her own welfare. A loved one of ours, after having decided some time ago to leave an abusive relationship is now feeling that he loves the other person in spite of the fact that his health, career, and family life have all been destroyed by the other person.

An initial step is to realize the difference between love and concern.

A friend in a bad relationship once had another friend tell him, “You care about her well-being, but it doesn’t sound like you really love her.” There is a major difference between love and concern. It is unlikely that you will feel completely devoid of concern over the person’s well being if you have shared a major part of your life or major events in your life with him or her. However, concern over his or her well being is not proof of the existence of a loving relationship.

People in emotionally or physically abusive situations often suffer from Stockholm syndrome, not just people in hostage situations.

In Stockholm Syndrome, the person in an abusive or controlling situation begins to experience a psychological response of defending the “captor” and showing loyalty to the abuser. (1)

Dr. Joseph M. Carver, psychologist, has deeply studied such situations and written an incredible article on Stockholm Syndrome in abusive and controlling relationships, as opposed to just captive or hostage situations. He says that the syndrome is brought on by a situation in which you perceive a possible physical or psychological danger, feel an inability to escape situation, are isolated from people with other viewpoints, and experienced a small kindness from the abuser. We will go into more detail on Dr. Carver’s article in Part 2 and Part 3 of this post, but listen to this description of his clients who have experienced the syndrome:

In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as “I know what he’s done to me, but I still love him”, “I don’t know why, but I want him back”, or “I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her”. Recently I’ve heard “This doesn’t make sense. He’s got a new girlfriend and he’s abusing her too…but I’m jealous!” Friends and relatives are even more amazed and shocked when they hear these comments or witness their loved one returning to an abusive relationship. While the situation doesn’t make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is – Yes! (2)

As I said, we’ll cover this more in the next 2 posts, but the main point I want to emphasize here is that those feelings of “love” toward someone who consistently mistreats you are likely not love at all but a type of psychological defense mechanism, or a way that your brain begins to think or feel to help you handle the stress of the situation but the feelings are not “real love.” Again, the feelings do not prove a loving relationship.

If you are experiencing such a defense mechanism, you need to study again what real love and a loving relationship is like.

When you have a clear understanding of real love, it is easier to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy relationships. Since you may be experiencing unrealistic feelings of love, I want you not to focus on your feelings or behavior toward the other person. Instead, use the following description of real human love that God gave to us in Scripture as a guideline to evaluate the other person’s attitudes and behavior toward you:

Love is kind. It is never envious, nor boils over with jealousy. It is not boastful or displays itself in a haughty way. Love is not conceited or arrogant. It does not behave rudely, unmannerly, or act in ways that are unbecoming. Real love does not insist on its own way, for it is not self-seeking. Love is not touchy, fretful, or resentful. Love does not rejoice at injustice or unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love believes the best of other people. (Taken from the Amplified Version of 1 Cor. 13:4-7) (For a full length article on Real Love, see footnote 3.)

If the other person does not consistently behave in these ways toward you, you are not in a loving relationship. Even if you feel that you are doing your part to show real love, a loving relationship cannot exist in one direction; a relationship is something that goes both directions.

Next, compare the other person’s value of you to God’s value of you.

It is important to mention here that the other person “saying” they value you or love you does not count or have credibility if they do not live it out in their actions. One of the most famous quotes from Scripture says, “God so loved that He gave…” Love evokes or results in actions that prove the reality of the love.

God’s love for you is based solely on your intrinsic value; in other words, because you exist as a unique person, you are of infinite value to Him. You do not have to do anything to prove your value or to “make” God love you. If you are always attempting to prove to the other person that you have value, trying to earn his or her love and respect, the person doesn’t value you just for being you.

Base your personal value on God’s value for you and then make your decisions.

God says that His thoughts of you outnumber the grains of sand-because He thinks so often about you. (Ps. 139:15-18) You are so valuable that His love for you is unending. Because He values you so much, even when you may not deserve love and compassion, He still chooses to feel and act in love and compassion for you. Because God values the relationship between you and Him, when you ask forgiveness, He says that He forgives and forgets your failings. The list could go on and on. However, it is vital that you base your value of yourself at the same level of value God has for you. This is the only way your value of yourself can remain constant. It cannot be based on people because people come and go in our lives, even if it is by death. Your value cannot be based on your career or other abilities because, one day, you will no longer be able to do those things. Now, valuing yourself as much as God values you, would you allow physical harm to come to you? Emotional harm? Would you allow a lifestyle that keeps you from your dreams? Valuing yourself as much as God values you, would you live your whole life and die, never having lived a life that is fulfilling and satisfying, never being in relationships that allow you to give real love and experience real love?

Lastly, realizing your personal value in God’s sight, you are responsible to yourself and to Him to live a life that expresses that value and fulfills the purposes for which you were allowed to have the gift of life.

When you use God’s description of real love to evaluate your relationships, and decide to live a life that shows you realize your God-given value, the boundaries become much clearer as to what are harmful and hurtful relationships and which are truly loving ones. Choose to make decisions in line with your value and free yourself to commit to truly loving relationships.

(Part 2 will cover 4 main situations which cause Stockholm Syndrome in controlling relationships and the resulting symptoms in the victim. Part 3 will list Dr. Carver’s guidelines for friends and families who want to help. If you realize that you are experiencing Stockholm Syndrome, or people who care about you have made comments that now make you think it is a possibility, you will very likely need outside professional help to get through this. Sometimes churches have free professional counseling available to needy people. Also, city centers for abused people usually have professional counselors if you cannot afford one.)

1. Stockholm Syndrome Definition

2. Psychologist Joseph M. Carver’s full article

3. Recognizing Real Love Part 1 of 2