• Self Esteem
• Forgiving Yourself
• Balance in Self Sacrifice and
• Rest

Merton on Self Esteem:

We cannot achieve greatness unless we lose all interest in being great. If we pay too much attention to [our idea of greatness], we will be lured out of the peace and stability…God gave us, and seek to live in a myth we have created for ourselves. We are truly ourselves when we lose the futile self consciousness that keep us constantly comparing ourselves with others in order to see how big we are.

We all seek to imitate one another’s imagined greatness….If I do not know who I am, it is because I think I am the sort of person everyone around me wants me to be. Perhaps I have never asked myself whether I wanted to become what everybody else seems to want to become. Perhaps if I only realized that I do not admire what everyone seem to admire, I would really begin to live after all.

Every man has a vocation to be someone: but he must understand clearly that, in order to fulfill his vocation, he can only be one person: himself…What does this mean? In order to be what we are meant to be, we must know Christ, and love him, and do what he did. Our destiny is in our own hands since God has placed it there, and has given us the grace to do the impossible. It remains for us to take up courageously and without hesitation the work he has given us, which is the task of living our own life as Christ would live it is us.

We can either Love God because we hope for something from Him, or we can hope in Him knowing that he loves us. Sometimes we begin with the first kind of hope and grow into the second.

Merton of Forgiving Yourself

It is true that we make many mistakes. But the biggest of them all is to be surprised at them: as if we had any hope of never making any. Mistakes are part of our life, and not the least important part. It is by making mistakes that we gain experience, not only for ourselves but for others.

My successes are not my own. The way to them was prepared by others. The fruits of my labors are not my own: for I am preparing the way for the achievements of another. Nor are my failures my own. They may spring from the failure of another, but they are also compensated for by another’s achievement. There for the meaning of my life is…only seen in the complete integration of my achievements and failures with the achievements and failures of my own generation.

Merton on Rest

We do not live merely in order to “do something” no matter what…We do not live more fully merely by doing more…On the contrary, some of us need to discover that we will not begin to live more fully until we have the courage to do and see and taste and experience much less…There are times, then, when, in order to keep ourselves in existence at all we simply have to sit back for a while and do nothing. And for a man who has let himself be drawn completely out of himself by his activity, nothing is more difficult than to sit still and rest.

Balance in Self Sacrifice

The saint, therefore, is sanctified not only by fasting when he should fast but also by eating when he should eat. He is not only sanctified by his prayers in the darkness of the night, but by the sleep he takes in obedience to God, who made us what we are. Not only his solitude contributes to his union with God, but also his supernatural love for his friends and his relatives and those with whom he lives and works.

All Quotes are Excerpts from Thomas Merton’s book, No Man Is an Island.

How much does guilt and self rejection hold you back from what is most important to you in life?

Do guilty feelings keep you from confidence, happiness, and success? Feelings of guilt or self rejection will usually hold you back from most of what you desire out of life unless you choose to change those mindsets, restoring your confidence and self esteem.

I have been enjoying a book by Brennan Manning called, Abba’s Child; it was a recent gift from a friend. In the beginning of the book, he discusses his own path to overcoming shame and self rejection. He is aware that his own past experiences are so common in the human experience that many people will benefit from the results of his journey to self acceptance and value.

One of the main behaviors that cause a person to live with guilt and self rejection is the habit of projecting his or her feelings of self onto God.

The emotional weight is great when one feels shame or self disapproval of past choices, decisions, or just the person that you are. How much greater is that weight when one convinces himself that his Heavenly Father, his Creator, the most phenomenal being in the universe thinks all the same negative, condemning thoughts about him? Yet, this is a typical thought pattern in the human experience, though we are usually unaware that this is what we are doing.

Usually included in these projected thoughts is the idea that life’s good and bad times signal God’s approval or rejection.

As Manning says, it is easy to feel loved by God when life is going well, all your support systems are in place, and hence, your self acceptance is good; however, when dreams are shattered or failures take place, your guilt and self rejection are often projected onto God. In your mind, He appears “fickle and unpredictable.” When something good takes place, you feel that you have His love and approval. When a bad event happens, you think it is a sign of His disapproval and rejection of you as a person worth being loved. (1)

Manning has a beautiful, rather tongue-in-cheek statement about projecting one’s own self image onto God’s view of you:

We cannot assume that He feels about us the way we feel about ourselves unless we love ourselves compassionately, intensely, and freely…God is relentlessly tender and compassionate toward us, just as we are, not in spite of our sins and faults, but with them. Though God does not condone evil, He does not withhold His love because there is evil in us.” (2)

Choosing to come out of hiding in your spiritual relationship opens the doors to endless possibilities in spiritual intimacy.

Manning brings to the forefront 2 demonstrations of God’s own desire that failure and guilt not keep a person from a loving relationship with Him. One illustration is that of the father character in the Parable of the Prodigal Son; he ran to welcome home the son who returned after ruining his life. Jesus told the parable to illustrate God’s own view and subsequent actions toward us of redemptive love. The other example is historical. In the fall of mankind, Adam and Eve were hiding in shame and guilt from their daily time of loving relationship and conversation with Father God. God, even knowing their failures, came seeking Adam and Eve to continue a loving relationship with them. (3) Manning paraphrases the thoughts of God to end our self hatred:

Acknowledge and accept who I want to be for you: a Savior of boundless compassion, infinite patience, unbearable forgiveness, and love that keeps no score of wrongs. Quit projecting onto Me your own feelings about yourself. At this moment your life is a bruised reed and I will not crush it, a smoldering wick and I will not quench it. You are in a safe place. (3)

Releasing yourself from the need of perfectionism results in a blissful state of safety with self and God.

Like many religious people, Manning says he proclaimed God’s unconditional love for years, convicted in his head but never convinced in his heart. He only felt safe in his relationship with God when he saw himself as successful in being generous, noble, loving—perfect! Once he chose to end the negative projections onto God and release the need for perfectionism, Manning was able to internalize and finally feel God’s unrelenting love. Here is a great quote on his new sense of safety:

To feel safe is to…feel liked and accepted, not having to hide anymore and distract myself with books, television, movies, ice cream, shallow conversation…no need to impress. Unself-conscious, calm, unafraid, loved, valued. (4)

Rather than carrying guilt, one can strive to echo the apostle Paul’s feelings in 2 Cor.12:9, “I shall be very happy to make my weak nesses my special boast so thaqt the power of Christ may stay over me.”

Manning’s conclusion is that a “sense of safety with God results in a sense of safety with self,” with all your noble points and failures, strengths and weaknesses. Knowing you exist in a safe loving relationship with Father God, the most phenomenal being in the universe, realize there are now no limits to confidence, happiness, dreams, and success you can achieve!

Synopsis of concepts are from Brennan Manning’s “Abba’s Child,” ISBN-13: 978-1-57683-334-6
1. pg.21,pg.19
2. pp.19-20
3. pg.22
4. pg.27

If you are a giver and your giving has left yourself in need, it is time to re-prioritize.

In actuality, all the people you love, those that you have expended yourself to help and sacrificed your own well-being, will be better off after you re-focus on self help! This article by fellow SelfGrowth.com professional, Lori Snyder, covers 10 basic steps for getting back to daily care for yourself.

Lori admits that she herself was so busy with everyone else’s needs that she sidelined her own needs, only to discover that the reality was, by neglecting her own needs and not meeting them first, she was not able to give her best to those she loves. These are brief excerpts from Ms. Snyder’s article. Use the link in the footnote below to read the full article.

1. Start each day filled with gratitude for all that you are…Appreciate the beauty all around you. [I would suggest, at the beginning, to make a list of self appreciation points. If you’ve neglected yourself for a long time, it will be difficult at the beginning to really focus on your own value.]

2. Count your blessings for the people who you love and who love you…They all come, and some go, for a reason.

3. Take a moment of silence for yourself to meditate, and think about what your needs of the day are, and what you would like to accomplish.

4. Be mindful of your health, and incorporate a wellness schedule into your week. Exercise, eat healthy, get enough rest.

5. Look at your goals sheet quickly each week, and evaluate how you are doing with them.

6. Learn new things, research something you have always been interested in. Talk about them with your loved ones.

7. Take the time to give loved ones and friends, a squeezing hug.

8. Come from a positive mindset. This will help you to create a happier state of being.

9. Take time to play. This can be any hobby or activity that you truly enjoy.

10. Do not be afraid to say no to someone…Tell them you still care about their needs, it is just that you cannot do what they ask of you at this time. You can choose to state your reasons for your decision or not.

This ending quote by Lori is both a good summary and challenge:

If your needs are met, you will be in much better spiritual, mental and physical shape to be there for all the people in your life who are important to you. And you will be in a much happier frame of mind to want to support them with their needs.

Please use this link to read Lori Snyder’s full article, Looking Out for Number One. 

Though most everyone is aware of the old expression, acting on it truly empowers your life.

Like the old expression of whether a glass is half full or half empty, how you daily perceive your life, as either half full or half empty, will determine whether you empower yourself to succeed and be happy or drain the very life force (energy-wise) from your day-to-day existence.

Grasping the urgency of this concept can be a key factor to restoration.

I have been recently talking with a friend who has not yet grasped the urgency of this concept in bringing restoration to his life.  He was in a very abusive family relationship. The controlling, self-motivated spouse lived a destructive lifestyle that deeply affected every member of that family. Eventually, even the children as they became adults began to adopt many of her user/abuser behavior traits. Eventually, my friend’s life came completely crashing down around him with the loss of his physical and emotional health, self worth, career, and financial stability. He has been out of the household for about 8 months, though career issues and financial problems caused by the relationship aren’t remedied by a geographic change. The effects from the amount of time – 20 years – in such a abusive relationship are not easily or quickly corrected. Yet, day after day, my friend beats himself down in his thoughts by focusing on what has not yet been restored, i.e. a healthy family setting, new career, and freedom from debt.

By focusing on the “half full” in his journey to restoration, my friend could be living in a state of joy that would bring energy, creativity, vision, motivation, and awareness of good opportunities to his daily life.

Those of us around him can rejoice in the tremendous healings that have visibly taken place: his physical health is doing well, his personality and sense of humor have returned, he has free time/personal time, he is now surrounded by people who deeply love and support him instead of drain him and abuse him. These aspects alone would bring great consolation to many people who are in situations needing improvement. It could to him, too, if he would only allow it.

The decision to focus on what is not yet resolved will drain the life force from anyone’s day, making difficult any type of effectiveness and clarity of perception. In addition, staying focused on the problem causes you to only see the problem, not the solutions.

Look at these examples of life benefits from focusing on the “half full.”

The decision to focus on the “half full” part of my friend’s life would:

– bring joy resulting in greater physical, emotional, and spiritual energy
– cause him to believe that the unresolved issues can also be overcome
–bring him motivation to change the things immediately within his power to change
–enable him to envision greater achievements than in the present state of mind
– attract other “half full” perspective people to his life who’s creativity and effectiveness would (1) assist him and (2) inspire him
– bring peace that restoration is taking place and will come to completion
– greatly improve his self worth and sense of purpose

To live in the benefits of a life “half full” philosophy, you must decide that your wellness and restoration are more important than self pity.

Self pity is always destructive. Choose instead to love yourself enough to empower yourself for wellness and restoration. A life “half full” perspective enables you to believe that “fullness” will come. Restore to your life now the energy, creativity, effectiveness that will blossom under a “half full” mentality.

Do your efforts to maintain your self esteem cultivate an environment of self worth or defeat for those around you?

Some of the most difficult people with whom to maintain healthy long-term relationships are those who feel that every conflict of opinion is an opportunity to prove that they are “right,” rather than come to a mutual understanding of other people’s points of views. Every disagreement instantly puts them into a “challenge to win” mode, which, unfortunately for the people in the relationships around them, means someone else must first lose. Another person is never allowed to have a different way of doing something because this person’s way is always better, as far as he or she is concerned. We cannot always avoid this type of person, as they may be a required part of the environment at work, home, or other frequented social settings. Today, however, let’s look at this in a more personal way.

Ask yourself, “Am I the type of person whose determination to always win produces an environment of defeat for other people?”

Joel Osteen is well-known worldwide for his gifting of encouragement. I’ve listened to him speak in the past, but had never been to his blog. This morning I felt the unusual impression to make my way there and came across a story on Joel and Victoria’s blog about a counseling session with this type of person. This comment was very insightful:

She didn’t recognize that her desire to be right all the time was driving home the point that everyone around her was wrong. She was creating a losing environment for her husband and children and depleting their sense of worth and value. Sadly, she didn’t even realize it… If you never let your spouse or your children win, you’re creating a spirit of defeat on the inside of them. Eventually, your family will just quit trying and lose that passion to win. (See Footnote)

You do not want to be responsible for creating a spirit of defeat in those with whom you daily interact when you have the power to cultivate a self esteem-building environment instead.

The blog went on to say that if you allow others to have winning moments, building their self esteems, you will live in an environment of winners. This description gives a good mental image for this concept.

You definitely do not want to create a self esteem-destroying environment with your spouse or children. But even in your less emotionally close associations at work or other frequented social settings such as clubs, boards, councils, etc, you do not want to be responsible for creating an environment which defeats people’s self esteems.

To motivate yourself toward change, ask yourself these questions.

1. Do I really want to be responsible for negatively affecting someone’s value of their own gift of life?
2. Do I want to be responsible for anyone being less effective in what they do or not reaching as high a goal as they would have if I had not beat down their self esteem?
3. Do I want to negatively affect someone else’s destiny?

Cultivating an environment of healthy self esteem is a win/win situation.

If you have lived out the feeling of a “challenge to win and make someone else lose” whenever they have a differing opinion, the realization that such action causes you to lose as well by harming your important relationships may be motivational enough to put an end to that game once and for all. By being aware of how your proper responses can build someone else’s self worth, you are becoming a better person, a less self-focused person. Rather than being motivated by a false desire that you “win” when you make someone else “lose,” draw satisfaction from the truth that allowing others the freedom to express themselves and implement their ideas and visions makes you a participant in their personal growth and success. And, not any less vital, cultivating the environment of self esteem will allow your relationships to flourish with life-long benefits!

The first quote was taken from the August 20th, 2009, post on Joel Osteen’s site. If you would like to read their full post on the topic, click here.

Your level of confidence is usually directly proportionate to the intensity of drive or motivation to reach your dreams.

We each have probably seen movies in which a main character discovers that he or she has a terminal illness and suddenly chooses to overcome any intimidation or other hindrance that has kept him from fulfilling all those dreams he had of things he wanted to experience in this life. 

Think of all the dreams you would like to achieve between this moment and the conclusion of your life on this earth.  What has held you back?  Sometimes there are financial considerations in play, but many times the hindrance is something as simple as a lack of self esteem; either you fear what other people would think if you did those things or you have fears regarding your abilities.

There is a good historical illustration how major life dreams can be accomplished in spite of one’s self esteem not being at its best.

Most of us are familiar with the account of the Jewish people’s exodus from Egypt during the time of the Pharaohs.  Moses was a Jew that had been raised in Pharaoh’s household as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter.  When he reached adulthood, the suffering of his nation, who was serving as the Egyptians slaves, greatly distressed him.  He desired to deliver his people from slavery.  However, Moses took the matter into his own hands during a moment of anger, murdered an Egyptian who was mistreating a Jew, and had to flee for his life.  For the next 40 years, this man who had been raised in royalty with the best education and all the wealth of Egypt was living a nomadic life herding sheep in the desert.  At that point, Moses evidently never believed that his life would amount to anything spectacular, much less that he would be the deliverer for his people as he had once dreamed.  Then he had a message from God,

“I will send you to Pharaoh, that you may bring forth My people, the Israelites, out of Egypt.”  And Moses said to God, “Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”  God said, “I will surely be with you.”  Ex.3:10-11

Notice that Moses self esteem was not up to the challenge, “Who am I that I should go?”  There is a record in the books of Exodus of the lengthy discussion in which Moses talked about the fear of his lack of abilities.

Moses said to the Lord, “O, Lord, I am not eloquent or a man of words, neither before nor since You have spoken to Your servant; for I am slow of speech and have a heavy and awkward tongue.”  And the Lord said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth?…Is it not I, the Lord?  Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and will teach you what you shall say.”  Ex.4:10-12

As we all know from history, Moses left his sheep-herding days behind him and became the deliverer he had once dreamed of even though Moses’ self esteem was not what it needed to be to achieve that dream.  What made the difference?  How did Moses accomplish such an outstanding dream in spite of a lack of self confidence?  The difference came when Moses realized that God was with him (Ex.3:11;4:12,15) in accomplishing his destiny, the dream of his life. 

A positive change in the levels of your dreams being fulfilled comes once you realize that your dreams are God-given desires related to your destiny.

Your destiny, your purpose for existence on this earth, is God-given. Your personality with its dreams and desires, if you are staying focused on your destiny, are also God-given.  When this realization takes hold in your spirit, you self esteem gains a new unlimited level of confidence due to the knowledge that God is with you to enable you to accomplish those dreams.

Leave behind whatever has hindered you from going after your life dreams.  Any lack of self esteem will be overcome as you stay focused on that fact that nothing can stop the fulfillment of the dreams that are a part of your destiny because God Himself says, “I will be with you.”

Concept inspired from an article in Faith to Faith, April 28^th post, c.1992, by Gloria Copeland.

Table of contents for Freeing Yourself from Abusive Relationships

1. Practical Steps to Free Yourself
2. Spiritual Guidelines to Stay Free

Reading Level: Gratifying

Have you ever wished for a plan of action to get out of the abusive relationships in your life?

There is a step by step plan in an exceptional article written by Dr. Joseph Carver, Psychologist, explaining how to free yourself from controlling people and/or abusive people. Dr. Carver says that most people fail trying to get out of abusive relationships because “they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources.” Dr. Carver is a reputable psychologist whose articles on Love and the Stockholm Syndrome and the article we will discuss in this post are used by counseling groups across the globe.

Dr. Carver says that there are 3 necessary stages in freeing yourself from abusive and controlling people: The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection. These are only brief, paraphrased excerpts from Dr. Carver’s article. Please use the link here or below to read his article in full so that you have all the practical steps, information, and confidence you need to free yourself and start over on a new healthy path to a life that fulfills the God-given destiny for your existence!

Stage 1: The Detachment

-The abuser will have caused you isolation by methods such as controlling the finances, modes of transportation, etc. Pay attention to methods the controller is using to isolate you from freedom and help.

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, and share less feelings. The goal is to lessen the abuser’s emotional attachment to you.

- Quietly contact your family and friends to determine who can provide a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc. [An added note, only contact those who will keep your plans absolutely confidential.]

- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options.

- Slowly remove your valuables from the home. You may lose some personal items.

- Stop arguing. Stop defending and explaining yourself. Express that you are too stressed or confused to know why you are doing anything anymore.

- Drop hints that you are burned out and confused about your life. The abuser never takes responsibility for problems in any relationship and will feel better about ending it if they can put blame on you.

- Don’t start another relationship. The controller will quickly find another victim and become attached if you “lay low.”

- When the abuser/controller questions your new behavior, continue to confess confusion about your life in as boring a manner as possible. This sets the foundation for getting out.

Stage 2: Ending the Relationship

Since the abuser or controller does not take personal responsibility and would respond with anger to any criticism, your new behavior described in the detachment must continue while ending the relationship.

- While continuing to act burned out and confused, Dr. Carver says to express that “I can’t feel anything for anybody and I want to end the relationship for your benefit. I’m not right for anyone at this point in my life.”

- If “The Loser” panics, and responds acts of appreciation, react to each with a boring word thanks. If you overreact or give in, you’ve lost control again.

- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don’t agree to options for negotiating. The controller will contact you as long as they feel they can manipulate you.

- Realize the abuser/controller will try to make you feel guilty for a large variety of things. Again, do not be moved. Respond in a boring manner.

- Do not waste time trying to explain your feelings. Your feelings are irrelevant to the abuser. Explaining gives more opportunity for him to cause guilt and manipulation.

- Don’t fall for sudden changes in behavior by the controller. You know how he or she is normally and they will always return to the abusive behavior.

- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of family/friends. You will need the assistance but keep it confidential from the abuser.

- Don’t use terms like “someday”, “maybe”, or “in the future” with the relationship. The controller will put more pressure on you. Dr. Carver gives the example of how a slot machine that gives a small winning keeps a person hopeful. Stay stern, stable, [and boring] about ending the relationship with no hope of reconciliation. If you waver at all, the abuser will continue pressure. If there is no “pay off,” he or she will move on.

Stage 3: Follow-up Protection

Remember that the abuser or controller never sees himself as having a problem. He or she may think you are going through a phase and contact you after the relationship is terminated.

- Never change your original position that it’s permanently over!

- Don’t agree to meetings to discuss old times. This is his or her way to upset you.

- Do not discuss any personal information about your new life or relationships. Only mention unimportant talk, as one would with any person on the phone that you don’t want to talk to. Say that his or her life and your life are both private.

- If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad “Loser”, provide only a status report, much like you’d provide to marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else.

- When the abuser or control says how difficult the breakup has been, share general thoughts only, such as, “Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. I’m sure we’ll eventually find someone that’s right for both of us.”

- Keep all contact short and sweet – the shorter the better. Always be “on your way out the door” or cooking something, etc. Wish the person well but again in a boring, emotionally detached manner. Gadgets that produces about twenty sounds – a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. – are a great way to keep the conversation short.

Each of us need relationships that provide us with life-long love and security.

This is an excerpt from Dr. Carver’s concluding remarks in his article. Again, please use the link below to read his full article.

In all of our relationships throughout life, we will meet a variety of individuals with many different personalities. Some are a joy to have in our lives and some provide us with life-long love and security. Others we meet pose some risk to us and our future due to their personality and attitudes. Continuing a relationship with “The Loser” will result in a relationship that involves intimidation, fear, angry outbursts, paranoid control, and a total loss of your self-esteem and self-confidence. If you have been involved in a long-term relationship with “The Loser”, after you successfully escape you may notice that you have sustained some psychological damage that will require professional repair. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counselors are available in your community to assist and guide you as you recover.

Please click here to read this excellent, life-saving article in full, Detaching from Controllers and Abusers, by Dr. Joseph Carver, Psychologist.

States of mind or life perspectives are developed in one’s childhood environment and passed down from generation to generation.

I came across a great article on overcoming a poverty mindset by fellow SelfGrowth.com author and business professional, Melissa Zollo. The points in this post are excerpts from a lengthy article. She is a secular author (not religious) but makes many valid points. Please use the link here or below to read Melissa’s full article.

A poverty state of mind will cause you to see, hear, think, feel, and act in alignment with lack.

The Law of Attraction states that your thoughts and feelings create a force field of energy that radiates out from you and draws back into your life people, things, and situations in tune with them. In other words, you become what you believe and feel to be true.

8 Choices You Can Make Today that Will Change Your Habits and Influence Your Life:

Since the direction of our lives is primarily determined by the choices we make each and every day, I am offering you a selection of choices you can make — choices that will assist you in walking the road … the fulfillment of your dreams.

1. Choose a new mental diet. One of the most powerful activities you will ever participate in is uplifting self-talk. Instead of talking about what you are afraid of or worried about, decide to consciously choose words that are consistent with your financial goals.

2. Choose to activate your imagination. [Imagination] assists you to reimage/refocus/rebuild/rethink/ receive!

3. Choose to focus on your dreams and empower yourself. This sounds simple but many people only wish to experience wealth and success. They rarely choose to change their money habits.

4. Choose to plant seeds of hope, happiness, and harmony. You can opt to treat yourself as a valued, accepted, appreciated person. Decide to plant seeds of high self-esteem no matter how others have treated you in the past or try to mistreat you now.

5. Choose to break one financial bad habit. Decide to tackle your debt, spending habits, or something associated with money and give yourself the right to succeed.

6. Choose to become balanced spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, and socially. Our lives work best when we feel balanced. Invest quality time re-training…

7. Choose to make time for fun and self-renewal.

8. Choose to spend quality time with those important people in your life. Heal those relationships that need mending — be they with your parents, siblings, significant other, beloved spouse, friends, or children. Choose to forgive and watch your energy, self-motivation, and enthusiasm soar.

The most powerful antidote to self-doubt is self-confidence.

Successful people have high levels of self-confidence. They have an attitude that they are unstoppable and will achieve their goals…Remind yourself daily that externals showing up in your life are effects; they are not causes. Decide to change your thought-seeds (causes) and you will change your harvest (effects).

Excerpts are from Are You a Prisoner of Poverty or a Producer of Wealth? by Melissa Zollo, imagination and self motivation author

Comparing yourself with others can be a slippery slope into a life of envy, inferiority, and intimidation.

When you fail to recognize your value as a unique person with a divine destiny that affects this world in ways that no one else ever can or will, it is easy to fall into the comparison game. I came across a great article by Norma Schmidt on this topic.  The points below are excerpts from her article.

Norma is an accomplished Ezine article author; her articles can be viewed on many Ezine sites across the Internet. Norma provides 5 guidelines to overcoming the temptation to compare your personal value to that of others and avoid the resulting envy, intimidation, and other negative feelings it produces. A link to her full article is footnoted below.

Whether comparing yourself is an extreme habit of yours, or an occasional one, we can all benefit from Norma’s points on Breaking Free from Comparisons:

1. Give Yourself More Credit.

This strategy is preventive. Look inside, and give yourself credit for your accomplishments and positive character traits… recognize the heart, intelligence, imagination and integrity you bring to living life your way.

2. Count Your Blessings

This is another preventive tactic to build your comparison “immunity.” Cultivating an awareness of all the blessings of your life can take the sting out of seeing how others are blessed

3. Exhale

When you notice that you’re comparing yourself to someone else, bring your attention to your breathing. Then, on an exhale, let the comparison leave your … create space for serenity and perspective.

4. Recognize Losses

Maybe you’ve deferred or even given up hopes and dreams from earlier, simpler times in your life…take time to acknowledge these losses. Create a ritual… to give voice to your grief so that you can move forward.

5. Shift into a Perspective of Gratitude.

Practice this strategy by bringing to mind a “comparison trigger” from the past [Think of a specific person who frequently evoked negative comparison emotions. In contrast, now] Notice how relaxing and healing the perspective of gratitude feels.

Click this link to read Norma Schmidt’s full article, If Only I Could Stop Comparing Myself to Other People. Norma Schmidt is a parent of two and a former Lutheran minister. She offers workshops on parenting and on living with serious illness.

Joy is usually defined as a lasting contentment or fulfillment in life. It is something we all want. The question is, where do we find it?

Most people would agree that joy must be a matter of the spirit.

Happiness is usually defined as short term enjoyment that comes from positive, surrounding events. This is in contrast to joy, which is considered lasting because it is not derived from circumstances but from your inner self, your spirit. The meaning of the common Greek word for joy–chara-consists of calm delight and exceedingly joyful. The Greek word for complete-pleroo-is usually combined with the term for joy; it literally means to “cram full a net,” or figuratively to “satisfy, fill up, fulfill, supply.” This gives us the visual picture that joy is lasting like a calm delight, yet excessive, like an overflowing fishing net, bringing complete satisfaction and fulfillment to our lives. It supplies completely what we desire most in life, yet it comes from within.

You can find your spirit’s source of joy.

Your spirit, the eternal part of you, comes from the eternal Spirit of God. Since your spirit was created by God, did God intend for your spirit to exist in a state of joy? Absolutely. God describes His desire for your joy this way:

I say these things…so that My joy made be made full and complete and perfect in you and you may experience My delight fulfilled in you, that My enjoyment may be perfected in your own soul, and you may have My gladness within you filling your heart. Jn. 17:13

What is significant in this quote is that God states that He desires the source of our joy, delight, enjoyment, gladness to be derived from His joy, delight, enjoyment, gladness.

What aspects of your spiritual existence are the source of joy?

This is in no way a complete list, but it should give you several points to ponder.

Joy from Receiving

One usually thinks about the joy of giving to others, but God desires that His giving to each of us evokes joy.

Now ask and keep on asking and you will receive, so that your joy, gladness, delight may be full and complete…For the Father Himself tenderly loves you. Jn. 16:24,27

Joy from Interaction

Seeing God’s interaction in one’s life is a source of joy. Remember, in the quote prior, that God does expect you to ask Him for what you need and/or desire.

For you make me glad by your deeds, O LORD; I sing for joy at the works of your hands. Ps. 92:4

Joy from a Loving Relationship

Joy comes from the knowledge of God’s love for you. This knowledge should also be your basis for a healthy, unchangeable self-esteem. This quote below uses the same 2 Greek words again for “joy” and “complete.”

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. Jn. 15:9-11

Joy from Trust

The ability to trust in the relationship existing between your spirit and God’s Spirit is another source of joy. The word here translated as trust is the same one usually translated “faith.”

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him. Rom. 15:13

Joy from Guidelines

Even as children feel more safe and secure when raised within a set of guidelines, the guidelines God provides for your life is intended to produce a successful, abundant life, thus being a source of joy.

The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes. Ps. 19:8

Joy from God’s Person

Just as you derive joy from spending time in the presence of an earthly person whom you love, spending time in God’s presence (or with His person as this Greek word implies)-your spirit communicating with His Spirit-also evokes a lasting joy. Two points to notice from this quote: First, it again mentions the benefit of His guidelines as being the paths of life and, second, the phrase “fill me with joy” are the same Greek words mentioned above which are usually translated “complete” and “joy.”

You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence. Acts 2:28

Joy from Comfort

Amid all the struggles that exist in this life, comfort is necessary to continue in a state of joy. God refers to Himself as the “Father of compassion and the God of ALL comfort, who comforts us in ALL our troubles…(2 Cor. 1:3,4)” In the greatest times of anxiety, look for His comfort to bring continuity to your state of joy.

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Ps. 94:19

Greek definitions are from Strong’s Dictionary of New Testament Words.