In continuation of our series, this is another reader provided question. I wasn’t sure if the person was asking about God’s love or human love, so I thought we’d cover both aspects.

First, let’s focus on a general principle of love. Love, whether given freely or earned, can be damaged or destroyed depending on our responses to it.

Someone can choose to love you completely unearned or unmerited, such as with new emotional love, which is based on the person they hope you to be, since they haven’t been acquainted with you long enough to actually know what you are like so as to commit to the relationship rationally. If your actions are unloving, selfish, and/or inconsiderate, obviously that will damage that relationship and eventually destroy the unmerited love as you demonstrate more and more that you are unworthy of it. Emotionally or physically harmful behavior will destroy it even more quickly.

Love that is earned in human relationship is actually, per say, more stable.

It may begin as emotional love or acquaintance or friendship and develop into a stable, lasting love as your attitudes and behavior show over time that you can be trusted to be a loving person through the variety of life’s circumstances. This is what I term rational love, a love in which the person has a sound basis of long-term experience with you which has developed a high level of trust. This trust based on experience then provides his or her heart the assurance that you are a person worthy of long-term commitment; they then choose to love you for life. Though you both go through various strains on the relationship due to life crises such as illness, job stress, tragedy, etc., the love remains in tact regardless of emotions. The love is a commitment based on experience and trust. This rational love is more stable and lasting because it is based on a trust that is, in effect, earned.

God’s love operates on a much different basis than human love, though it is necessary to note that the relationship can still be damaged based on our attitudes and behavior.

God’s love is unearned, even undeserved. The Scriptures say that while we were still enemies of God and alienated from Him due to our evil behavior, Jesus’ death reconciled or restored our relationship with God to one of life, peace, and salvation (Col. 1:21;Ro. 5:10). Why would God choose to suffer loss on behalf of those who lived as His enemies? Why would He choose to be the one to suffer loss so the broken relationship could be restored? He explains it this way, “But God proved His love for us beyond all doubt by the fact that Christ died on our behalf while we were still sinners (Ro. 5:8).” More well known is the quote from Rom. 6:23, “For the wages paid by sin are death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

In contrast to the concept of a cruel taskmaster that many were raised to believe that God is, God says that “He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities (Ps 103:10).” On the other hand, if by our choice we continue to harm the relationship by behaving as His enemy or having attitudes destructive to a loving relationship, consequences will result similar to those in any relationship: communication between us and God will be hindered, a continued breakdown in communication will bring distance into the relationship, and eventually the relationship will die because of the continued harm you brought into it.

Now let’s look at the reverse. Since God made the first step and the personal sacrifice to restore the relationship between you and Him, even though you (we all) are undeserving of such love and favor, our positive efforts will grow the relationship.

If you are actively putting effort into growing the communication and developing loving responses between you and God, the relationship will continue to grow and deepen because you are nurturing it-just as it would with any healthy human relationship. Not that it grows on God’s end necessarily, since He is already perfect, but our abilities relationship-wise with our attitudes, communication, and behavior continue to grow and develop. Then, because God does not treat us as our sins deserve, His mercy (undeserved kindness and favor) treats us with compassion and forgiveness when we fail.

Though our own consciences may bring self-condemnation, God repeatedly describes Himself as a “compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness (Ex. 34:6).” Notice the aspects that we normally think He does not have-compassion, a slowness to anger, abounding in love, abounding in faithfulness (He won’t abandon you.). God also promises to do what we expect to happen with failures in a healthy human relationship. He says that if we confess our sins and failures, He will forgive them as anyone should in a loving relationship; however, God has the ability to do even more and actually cleanse our spirits from the failure (1 Jn. 1:9). In addition to all these unearned aspects of God’s love, He says that we should even come to Him boldly to receive not only mercy during our failures, but help “for every need–appropriate and well-timed help (Heb. 4:16 Amplified).”

(Important Note: This article is speaking of adult-level relationships in which one chooses whether or not to love another person. It is of vital importance to note that children should never feel that they have to earn the love of a parent or other family member. A child may have to earn the restoration of privileges after poor behavior but should always feel that your love for them is unearned and consistent, just as God’s love is toward you and them. Children are born with the capability to love but also with the capacity for extreme selfishness; being children, they have not yet learned the discipline of self-control to curb selfish desires. That is obviously a growing process taught by you as the parent. Those of us who were made to feel by parents that we had to earn their love-that love was based on our behavior-usually have many struggles to overcome in relationships as adults due to the lack of secure, consistent parental love.)

In summary, human love is more lasting and stable when it is earned, when it is a commitment based on trust via experience. God’s love, with its many aspects, is totally undeserved on our part, yet He gives it freely, desiring a loving relationship between Him and us. That loving relationship will grow and deepen based on our own level of commitment to it, just as it would with any human relationship. The relationship between a person and God can reach levels far beyond that of human love because God is far more capable of loving than any human being. It will then result in making us more capable of loving relationships with those around us because we’ve learned it from experience with God.

In my life experience of working with people who are seeking after God, there has been a noticeable characteristic of people’s responses to God being affected by past parental relationships.

I have seen children from abusive family situations that felt great apprehension at the thought of even talking to God, fearful of His rejection or of some sort of mistreatment by Him. I have known women who were making an effort to seek after God, but because of past abusive relationships with fathers and ex-husbands, could not emotionally handle the intended positive analogy in Scripture of paternal characteristics in God. Though Scripture makes clear that spiritual beings are neither male or female, since God often uses the analogy of a Father to illustrate to us certain positive characteristics that can be seen in earthly fathers, people can, without being aware of it, project bad attributes particularly from fathers (but also mothers and any other person seen as an authority figure) onto God. Throughout my career, I have made it a point to remind people that God’s fatherly characteristics are those of, not just a good father but, a perfect one, since God is perfect and that concept has been helpful to them.

There is a term in psychology when dealing with boundary violations that is called a withdrawal of love. An example of this emotional violation is when a parent who is displeased with the child, whether for poor behavior or even just behavior against the parent’s personal preferences, responds with anger.

Even if the child’s behavior was ethically unacceptable and needed some form of discipline, the discipline included more than just corrective action; it was carried out with types angry behaviors which portrayed that the parent no longer loved the child due to his behavior. Parents like this, often unintentionally, also display behavior that conveys to the child that his actions were a personal insult to the parent. This results in a performance-based relationship. “If you do what I like, I’ll love you. If you actions/choices displease me, I’ll withdraw my love from you.”

I have been eternally grateful that I did not have the extreme negative experiences with parents as did many of my peers. It appears from the stories of my peers, my parents were, though no one but God is perfect, above average in their positive treatment of myself and my brother. A friend who returned with me to my home several times to visit my parents joked about how unbelievable it was that my family actually liked each other; he insisted that I was raised in “the Cleaver” household, a reference to the 1960’s program, “Leave it to Beaver.” However, it has been amazing to me the more I study psychology, how much, even in a situation with fairly positive family history, past parental interactions affect my present relationships, even my relationship with God.

Thankfully, in spite of negative parental relationships like what is described above or those that have been physically and/or emotionally abusive, God makes it clear that His relationship with us is love-based, not performance-based.

Romans 8:35,37-39 describes it this way, “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” This passage illustrates that no negative circumstances can separate us from God’s love. Since it is so adamant that no circumstance in all creation can separate us from His love, I believe it stands to reason that this level of security is still the case whether the circumstances are caused by those who do not love us properly or even by our own failures. For those who still fear that their own imperfection will bring about a loss or withholding of God’s love, especially when it has proved to be the case with parental love, these next two verses bring great comfort and relief. Psalm 27:10 says, “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” And in Isaiah 49:15,16, “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.”

Being a perfectionist by nature, it is difficult for me to overcome anything that I view as a personal failure.

Yes, Scripture does exhort us to “Aim for perfection (2 Cor. 13:11),” for moral and spiritual excellence. However, after talking to my brother some years ago about a situation in which I was emotionally “beating myself up,” he said to me, “Who are you trying so hard to be perfect for?” He rather shocked me, and, realizing the grace of God didn’t give license to my feelings, I stumbled out, “Myself, I guess.”

In addition, I became aware of the “withdrawal of love” boundary violation from my own childhood during some study this past year.

During a recent series of crises, I sincerely felt that some of the issues were either caused or enhanced by my own mistakes. While seeking God’s wisdom and assistance to work through these situations, it was apparent that there was an emotional struggle which was affecting my faith in His responsiveness. A passing remark in a sermon about performance-based relationships caused me to realize that I was indeed, rather subconsciously, applying the “withdrawal of love” boundary violation experienced in childhood to God’s response to me in my time of need. I was feeling that any mistakes of my own in this situation would cause God either to respond unenthusiastically to my need or not at all. It is almost beyond belief how these emotional situations from the past hold on, to the point that one can rationally know something is not the case, (i.e. know that I am under the grace of God and that He responds to me with mercy) yet the past emotional baggage still keep him or her from a state of actively believing/having faith in God for help. While contemplating this issue, God reminded me of a passage that I had come across in the Amplified translation of Hebrews 4:15,16.

“For we do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize and have a fellow feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning. Let us then fearlessly and confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of grace–the throne of God’s unmerited favor to us sinners; that we may receive mercy for our failures and find grace to help in good time for every need—appropriate help and well-timed help, coming just when we need it.”

Now let me abbreviate the above verse, and slightly paraphrase for the purpose of sentence structure, so the main points beneficial to us are easier to focus on.

“We have a High Priest [referring to Jesus’ in His work of salvation] who sympathizes with our weakness and the assaults of temptation. Let us then fearlessly and confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of God’s unmerited favor to us [unearned, not performance-based] that we may receive mercy for our failures and find help for every need—appropriate help, coming just when we need it.”

As mentioned in some prior articles, it takes repeated, conscious effort to replace the recurring thoughts that are less than truth (from deep-seated, past emotional experiences) with rational, actual truth.

This passage was a starting point for me. I have been repeating it, pondering it, and quoting it out loud to eventually override my incorrect emotionally driven thoughts—thoughts that God won’t help me out of problems due to my own failures–with the truth with which He describes Himself in Scripture.

Using Hebrews 4 and the other 2 aforementioned verses, these are the truths I am working to establish in my mind and spirit.

1. No circumstance separates me from God’s love.

2. He has promised to never forsake or abandon me.

3. He does feel sympathetic toward my struggles.

4. Because the relationship is love-based, not performance based, I can let go of the false fears.

5. I can confidently seek and expect His favor and perfectly timed supernatural help even during times of failure.

Breaking free from projecting the relational difficulties between our parents and ourselves onto God is a major step for anyone in experiencing either physical or emotional healing.

Many physical ailments are caused by emotional hurts. Even if the physical ailment has solely physical origins, overcoming the habit of projecting onto God the image of a performance-based relationship between yourself and Him frees you to accept His unfailing love for you and be receptive to His help. You can believe yourself “worthy” of receiving because God’s loving responses to you will always be based on His unfailing love, not your perfection.